Disengaging until which point exactly?
Hello everyone,
It will be a long one. I am fairly new here and previously i started a thread asking advices for my situation. I had very kind replies from nice people, talking to me about disengaging. I read the article about it and began disengaging myself over the past few weeks. My question is, till which point i should disengage? It was nice for me in the beginning but i begin to have a hard time by feeling like a stranger in my own house. We have 50% custody of SS11, he stays here every other week. Maybe disengaging would be easier if he was here EOW, you know, just could arrange myself to go out and make plans for myself outside of home. But one week is too long to do it. The weather sucks in Belgium, it's being cold and rainy, cant go to backyard every day for hours. Sometimes i just want to stay on my couch watching tv.
He comes back from school at 4pm. By the rules of DH, he has 1h of screentime during the week, and 2h for weekends. DH repeats the hell out of it to him that if he wants to sit and watch tv with us in the evenings he must keep his 1h screentime for it (dont spend it on your videogames).
Last week he was here, he played his video games, me and DH were on the couch watching our favorite tv show. SS11 comes down, puts his ass on the couch and watches tv with us. DH warned him saying "no tv before sleep, you'll be in bad in 30min, you are welcome to come sit with us if you'd like, but take a book and read it not watching tv". SS11 rolling his eyes goes to get a book to read, comes back, sits his fat ass, opens the book but keeps watching the tv. DH did the throat cleaning thing to get his attention back to his book, he just looked at his daddy's face and turned his head back to tv. After 10 min, DH askes with an angry sarcastic voice "do you want us to change the channel, is there another tv show that you'd like to watch?"
SS11 rolling his eyes getting up in anger towards the door, mumbling. DH says "i dont understand mumbling, talk like human beings". SS11 says pointing his little finger at me "but whaaat? she opens my favorite tv show and then i am asked not to watch it" (this wasnt coming out with a nice tone, it was really really ugly). I couldnt help it and said "so little king, should i ask you which tv show i am allowed to watch? In what kind of fantasy world you are living in your head?"
DH angrily tells him to go up to his bed directly. SS11 slams the door, saying things in the hallway behind my back (didnt hear all but i've head the part with "she's mean")
Well, i raised my voice from the living room saying "it is not nice to talk behind people's back, if you have something to say come here and say it to my face". He slams the door of bathroom. DH has a red red face about to explode from anger, went up to talk to SS for 15min, saying "you dont have to love anybody here but you have to respect, you cant decide where she sits or what she watches, she is my wife and everytime you disrespect her you disrespect me." That was a serious talk with an angry tone. DH comes back to the living room apologizing for his son's part, saying he doesnt tolarate this kind of disrespect. I thanked him truly but i was sure that the speech did zero effect on ss.
I went up to my room to change, well, i have to pass by the door of bathroom, the little king is singing and whistling with joy, 2min after his father shook him from the shoulders, i mean, i dont find it normal.
Next morning he came next to me, gave me a cold "sorry for last night" because his father asked him to. I replied with a cold "thanks". That was about it. Moments like this make me confused about disengagement. Should i keep guarding my space and rights? Because i feel that if i go into my room every evening, i would feel locked up in my own house. I cant find an activity every day, especially in the evenings cause one:it's freezing cold, two:everywhere is closed after 18h.
I need your ideas and thoughts. How do you feel about this part of the disengagement process?
I'm always at home, so i do the cleaning and keeping the house neat. DH comes back from work in the evenings. I think i should have the right to have a word when it comes to places everybody use, like bathroom, kitchen, livingroom.
If he doesnt flush the toilet, i mean, i cannot shut my mouth up and wait until daddy comes back from work? Can i?
Or if ss is sitting on the couch with his underwear till evening, i find it quite disturbing + i would be embarassed if a friend just passes by and steps inside my house, should i just let him go around the house with underwear all day? (It was 3C° when he was doing that so he doesnt do it because it's hot).
It's been a loooong one, once again. I really need help about where to set my boundries while disengaging. Thank you all.
Thanks Sally. I'm doing like
Thanks Sally. I'm doing like you say, so i'm in the good path. We have only one bathroom so the first thing i see in the morning when i wake up is what he left in the toilet, just eww! When i ask him to flush, he says "it's just pee". Sometimes he doesnt flush because it's only per, sometimes he goes to the toilet mumbling and flushes. It depends really.
I feel that DH is getting more and more supportive each say. Since i began disengaging, he became more aware of all the sh*t attitude of his son and he is much less tolerant to bulls*t now. (Yayyy!)
I dont cook, ride, help w/school, no laundry. I just open my mouth if there is something that bothers my living space too, like, if he does a sandwich and doesnt clean after, normally i dont care, but if i have to use the kitchen counter later in the day and it is a mess, i call him to clean up (he doesnt, or does it hours after when he feels like it, or does it right away with hate flowing out of his eyes). He's really not happy with all of these simple rules and he hates to be here. Well, not my problem.
Oh and sometimes inside my head i just want to bang his head on the wall, is that normal?
Thanks for your help
LOL Sally you made me laugh,
LOL Sally you made me laugh, that's excellent! Feels so good to know that there are other people out there who went through the same sh*t
Thanks for your help
@tommar i really dont fat
@tommar i really dont fat shame my ss. He is a little overweight but i dont slam that on his face ever. before disengaging i was trying to encourage him to go out to play with friends to make him move a little bit (on an average day, the maximum movement he ever does is from his chair -where he plays his videogames - to his bed, which makes 150 cm, or to the toilet which makes 400 cm.) Or i was trying to get him eat healthy cause all he eats is pasta, french fries, candies. Now it's not my problem if he eats zero veggies zero fruits, i gave up trying. He askes me to cook broccoli, and when i do, he just makes a gesture as if he's vomiting when he has it on his plate saying that i didnt serve it hot enough. This was when i didnt known that disengagement is a bliss.
"sits his fat ass" Is this
"sits his fat ass"
Is this what you're calling fat shaming?
Kids with screen brain are
Kids with screen brain are contacted by only one thing. Turn off the screen. My SS used to have the same probme. He would meander through the family room and become mezmerized instantly by the television. Never when he was doing something he wanted to do but if he had chores or homework, etc... he would zone out on the screen. I found that snapping at him solved nothing. His mom and I just adopted the if he zones out on the television instead of doing what he should be doing we turned it off. The beauty is that if you leave the box on and only turn off the screen you can rewind to the point you had to shut down to break the screen brain connection.
I do have a question though. WTF was DH thinking instructing SS-11 to sit down and read in front of the TV? Not the sharpest tool in the parenting shed is he?
Rather than expose everyone to that rediculouse extremely predictable drama it is better to just turn off the TV. Skids get really irritated and harumph off all pissy about it but they do leave... quickly.
Quit tolerating the games between your DH and your StepSpawn.
Hello rags, well I insist to
Hello rags, well I insist to watch tv in the living room in the evenings. Me and Dh has favorite shows to watch and i dont accept to escape to another room to watch it alone. SS is doing his homework on dining table and it takes him forever to finish them. If he is distracted, he can go up in his room where he has a nice place to study. I dont know how many times i and dh told him that dining table isnt the place to do it, but he just insist. And when he's doing hw most days dh is at work. So, i refuse to turn off my tv just because the little king chooses to be in the livingroom for hw.
And i dont think children must stay up until late hours especially if there's school the next day. He has the biggest room of the house, a tv, a sound system, a playstation, a bed, a desk, a leather chair, tons of toys, a desk, a library (and i find it exaggerated, no surprise that he is never happy with anything). He doesn't come downstairs until we open the tv, so no, he's trying to get me close the tv and make me miss all my favorite shows every evening, trying to touch to my nerves (and he does), but no. I did it once last month and i saw the crooked smile on his face, just no.
When dh tells him that he cant watch tv and stay on screen, he uses his "little cute baby love" card and says "but i wanna be next to youuu"(with a whining babyvoice ughh). Dh doesnt buy it, says if your only reason to stay here is to be next to me, take a book and read it or come lay down on he couch next to me, i will play with your hair till you fall asleep. Ss doesnt choose the second option ever, chooses the reading option because like that he can continue to watch tv. He is just a little manipulator i tell you.
Thank you for your answer
I would be very uncomfortable
I would be very uncomfortable with any 11 YO that wasn't directly related to me in their under ware. Have you told DH that this is happening? DH needs to tell him that he shouldn't leave his room without being dressed.
I am disengaged but I do not hole up in my room, I do exactly as I please right around the skids. If I am watching something on TV geared for adults I do take that in my room and leave the living room for SO and skids but I refuse to hole up in my room, to me that means they are winning.
As far as the pee thing, I would tell DH that he needs to cure the issue. Fight fire with fire- leave a big poop in the toilet and say well, it is just poop, LOL. We had an issue with poop and not flushing for one summer and it was disgusting but my SO dealt with the shi* right away and it stopped.
It sounds like you do have DH's support which is good so at least you're not fighting that battle as well.
Being disengaged doesn't mean
Being disengaged doesn't mean you have to hide in your room or completely change your routine around skid. I fell into that trap too when I first tried disengaging and found myself sitting in our bedroom the majority of the time he was here meanwhile he had the run of the place.
No, you do what you want to do and skid works around you not the other way around otherwise you're giving him way too much power in your home. My ss10 didn't show much interest in watching tv until dh and I would sit down to watch something together then he'd squeeze himself between us on the couch or he'd be climbing all over the place making a noise or try to change the channel - basically anything to make it unpleasant. We started switching the tv off and would tell him to go read in his room. This usually happened about an hour before his bed time. Telling your ss to read in front of the tv makes no sense, isn't reading supposed to be quiet time, no distractions?
When you heard him whistling and singing after sounds like he was pretty happy with himself for causing trouble. He managed to ruin your time with dh relaxing in front of the tv, he got his dads attention AND he made you blow up. This is what happens when you disengage, skid tries everything possible to get a rise out of you and it drives them crazy when they can't but really satisfies them when they do. My ss10 went nuts when I first disengaged and tried everything he could think of to wind me up but I just ignored him and instead he ended up making dh angry and dh started to see what a brat his kid was being. If you're disengaged you let dh handle it, at least that's what has worked for me.
The underwear thing should be addressed. We had this problem too. SS would wake up and walk around all day in his underwear. Finally I said to dh you need to tell ss that when he gets up in the morning he has to get dressed. I wasn't comfortable with it. If I had my own kids I wouldn't let them do that either, it's lazy. Imagine him in his teens doing that, nip it in the bud now.
Had the toilet issue too. Dh just has to come down hard on all these little annoyances. My ss10 likes to leave his clothes lying everywhere, he just takes them off and dumps them wherever. Once you come down hard on one issue they'll come up with something else for you to complain about, dh just has to stay on it.
It's different for everybody but I found it was easier not taking the bait and just letting dh deal with everything. Before, I would jump on every little thing and go running to dh complaining and then he'd blow up at ss then ss would play the victim card and I'd look like the wicked witch. Now I leave it all to dh and skid isn't as passive aggressive as he used to be, think he got bored of it when he realised he couldn't get to me.
Pick the boundaries that are important to you and leave the rest to dh would be my advice
When you heard him whistling
When you heard him whistling and singing after sounds like he was pretty happy with himself for causing trouble. He managed to ruin your time with dh relaxing in front of the tv, he got his dads attention AND he made you blow up.
Kwok,that's exactly what he does, every time. After i felt bad because i'm disengaging and shouldnt have let him to get me like this.
On saturday (it was his mother's week) we asked his mom if we can take him just for the daytime because his two cousins had their bithday party. She agreed with condition that we drop him off in the evening. Agreed.
Party begins, children screaming and playing in the backyard, not to mention that he has many cousins between age 9-13. 1 hour later he comes to dh asking for the keys of our house (we live on the same street). When dh asked why, ss said he will go to play videogames with one of his cousins. Dh got mad, replied with a strict NO. Explained that he is here for the birthday party, all cousins and family is there and all he can think of is to go&play videogames and he is the only child who dares to demand such a thing (meanwhile all children are in the bckyard playing soccer or other stuff joking around).
SS began whining and pushed dh's hand on his shoulder, made a scene.
So, monday which is the day that we change over the weeks, yesterday, he was punished for his lack of respect, no screentime for monday.
After school, finished hw, DH got a serious talk with him about saturday and about ss's attitude in general, school grades etc. Dh got even more mad when he saw the teacher's note on his notebook "instead of talking you must study more". He got bad points for mathematic and french.
Meanwhile ss is crying (without tears), after stopped when he realized that it didnt work to stop daddys speech. And during all of dhs speech, he stayed mute and yawning at the top of his lungs nonstop. I was in the kitchen to stay out of all this but to watch whats going on.
Again, 10 min later ss is walking in the house singing with full joy like nothing happened.
30 min after all this, ss comes and askes if he can play videogames. I was like WTF!!!
Dh said no you're punished, you dont remember?
SS wasnt even listening while DH was talking, my God! SS askes "but whyyy" whining. DH just rolled his eyes, repeated "no screen today that's all".
Ss wanted to go up in his room reading.
2030 we open the tv and the moment he hears it he comes down, sits down with a book in his hand, and guess what? watching tv!
Dh waited 5 mins, shocked how ss can dare to do it knowing that he's punished. After he said "you know you're punished right?"
Yeaaah *whining tone*, but doesnt move, keeps watching. DH screams go brush your teeth and sleep. Ss does so. (singing in the bathroom and on stairs)
Just seeing it all happening in front of my eyes is getting me angry. Wow, ss, just wow.
He's trying to wind you guys
He's trying to wind you guys up and it's working. It sounds like your dh is pretty good with discipline and consequence but he has to be consistant. My dh is really inconsistant so ss manipulates him. I know how it feels to sit there and watch all this going on, it makes you so mad. Just keep telling yourself keep quiet, keep your calm, no matter how tempting it is to let rip. A few weeks ago something happened here and I broke my disengagement because ss manipulated a situation that really ticked me off and my goodness you should have seen the look of satisfaction on his face. It even caused an argument between me and dh, all in front of ss. He was over the moon and spent the rest of the day talking in his baby voice and hanging all over his dad. I did absolutely NOTHING wrong yet I looked like the bad guy! Disengaging is the only thing that has worked for me. Just ignore him completely and let dh handle it all and if he winds you up take a few minutes out, go in the yard or to the bathroom and count to ten take a deep breath.
In the evening he doesn't need to be in front of the tv, he's not there because he wants to watch it he's there because he wants to mess with your time. Funny how they show no interest in it until it's bedtime and dad and sm are relaxing together!
The thing is even though you
The thing is even though you are disengaged you are still being controlled by shi* skid bc your DH keeps allowing him to intrude on your TV time even when he is being punished.
I had this happen to me ONCE. I only have a few "shows" I watch and they can't be watched around the skids. SO must have been drinking when he thought during his "say good night to the skids for two hour nightly ritual" that I would wait on him to watch our shows. He walked in, I was mid way through the show and he was all butt hurt that I started the show without him. You know what SO? You want to say good night to your kids for 2 hours every night and on the one night the show we watch comes on and you expect me to be sitting in here like a fool waiting on you while you Disney dad it up down the hall? NOPE-- I will NOT do it. My life is as close as it can be to when they aren't there. I refuse to alternate my schedule for him bc you know what?? I do NOT have any kids for a reason, he does and that is great for him and BM but my life just keeps on a rocking and rolling. You aren't in the room with me when the show comes on, looks like you need to watch it when you have time. Try watching the show alone, not bc of skid but because of DH and when he wonders where you are and see's that you are moving along without him then watch, he will cure the issue. On Sundays at our house now, SO wraps up his "you're the best kid ever" routine really fast now and books it to the room with me to watch our show bc he knows I will leave him behind if he doesn't. This is also the only alone time we get during the summer but hey, it is once a week, Sunday night and it gives me something to look forward too and skids know not to bother us bc SO makes it clear we are busy and not to be disturbed.