Co-sleeping, bedwetting, attachment issues, not feeling optimistic
I'm getting married next month to a wonderful kind attentive man who really loves me. He has a son who is 8 years old. He is on full joint custody where his BM has him for one week, then we have him the next week. Him and his Dad moved in with me (at a house I built while dating him) 2 months ago since my house is new, has more property, etc.
SS has never had his own room or his own bed before moving in. At his BMs house he still sleeps with her. He has transitioned remarkably well to sleeping in him own room/own bed at the new house BUT he still wets the bed 1-2 times/week.
FH gets up every night at 2am to wake him so he can use the bathroom, then he goes right back to sleep, but he still somehow wets the bed. What bothers me is everyone's lackadaisical attitude about this: SS will wet the bed, wake up, and then secretly play videogames sitting right next to his pee spot for the next hour. He will not bother to change his pants or anything. FH will just change his pants and send him to school even without a shower. No one seems to care about this. At his BMs i'm sure he wets the bed next to her and they both just sleep in the pee. I have never seen him change his own clothes, clean anything, think about sheets needing to be cleaned or anything like that.
The bedwetting is not a new issue since moving into new house. It has apparently remained relatively consistent for his whole life. I feel like I cannot marry this man who would sleep in his child's pee and his lackadaisical attitude towards it completely baffles me (he is a clean person in all other ways). After reading this forum I feel incredibly depressed, as many of you all have stories that are the same or worse. Is there any hope?
Some kids take longer than
Some kids take longer than others for night training. Get him some Underjams or Goodnites and just let him grow out of it. You might spend a little money, but you'd have less nasty laundry.
You also need to have a serious sit down discussion with your stbDH about the whole parenting situation (and really married life in general--finances, future children, etc). No attacking, just lay out how you feel, and what your expectations are, and see where you and he differ. Then you have to decide are the differences major enough to call things off.
Oh I know she does. She
Oh I know she does. She doesn't believe in soap or washing hair either, but that's a whole other issue.
He didn't believe in his son needing his own bed because he felt guilty & the kid had always co-slept with them --since birth. Never had a crib --whole other issue. sTBDH was happy for SS to get his own room & bed when I came into picture.
DH should assist child in
DH should assist child in cleanliness ... FFS. If he is knowingly sending his child out smelling of urine and unsanitary, that seems running upside the idea of "neglect."
Some children take much longer due to biological development than others, so I agree with the poster that you have the child sleep in pull-ups or small sized adult Depends. He may be an incredibly deep-sleeper. Take the shame out of that. (Incontinence can have many sources.) Expensive but cheaper than washing clothes, bedding, mattress pads etc and less humiliating. Changing a pair of "underwear" is much, much different than the full lights-on, strip the bed, stand awkwardly while clean sheets are placed embarrassment.
My BS was weird and was sleep-trained very early on which was good for me. But he was not trained during the day for several more years, since he was involved in Life and missed the signals to go to the bathroom.
When lying in a wet bed is the child's "normal" he has no other measure. DH/BM sending him off unbathed and the lack of understanding is the most horrific part of this post.
My SS had a relapse at about
My SS had a relapse at about 8yo too. He had one at 6 also. First we took him to the Doc to eliminate any physiological issue as the cause. Nope, nothing wrong with him.
The solution we arrived at .... put him in diapers and nothing else for the entire next day. Usually we could make this align with a Friday night relapse and he spent all day Saturday in a diaper. No pants, just a diaper. He of course would refuse to leave the house but I would periodically throughout the day open the front door and call him over and tell him "Go outside and play with your friends." Then the tears would start and he would freak out. I would also put him in the car to go with me to run errands and of course he would refust to get out of the car.
By Monday AM he would get the point and come to the breakfast table in his school clothes. He would then look his mom and I in the eyes and say "I understand. I will not wet the bed again." And he wouldn't.
On one occassion we sent him to school in a diaper and sweat pants as his usual jeans would not fit over the diaper. That really got the message across.
So, don't tolerate the crap from him if there is no physiological issue. If he is going to wet the be bed like a toddler, treat him like a toddler. No video games, etc... He performs appropriately for his age or he gets none of the priveledges of that age.
Diapers, sippy cupts, baby spoons, and all.
I think that is awful, truly,
I think that is awful, truly, to shame a child over something they may have no control over. I feel horrible for that child knowing he was put thru that.
One of my male cousins had
One of my male cousins had the same issue into high school. I think your FH and his ex have gotten used to the problem and that is why you don't see any aggressive (or should I say, motivated) way of dealing with the issue. Can you talk to husband and tell him your concerns for cleanliness?
Yeah I dont understand that
Yeah I dont understand that one.
SDstb5 has occasional accidents, the majority of the time shes fine. I think we've had two accidents so far this year.
Shes totally out of nappies (diapers) but we do have a bed mat on, basically a diaper for the mattress but its not as hot and sweaty as a plastic sheet.
But, if SD has an accident she will come through to us and tell us. She strips her bed (usually with our help), then its bathroom for a wash, change of pjs and remaking the bed. We do the douvet but she does the sheet and the pillows.
It doesnt matter to me if its late night, early hours of the morning or an hour before normal wake up time, if you pee then you need to wash.
At 8 I would be taking the kid to the Drs and ruling out if there are problems but also to explain to SS that its not normal and its not ok.
Im not saying shame the kid but my god these days its a wonder we are still allowed to teach the no word to children since anything remotely negative can be seen as neglectful or even abusive. (dont even get me started on medals for taking part)
AND give your other half a kick up the backside, at 8 years old the kid should be having a wash before school every morning, if hes peed himself the night before he needs shower or a bath! Thats just plain nasty