Anyone else pull the MIA move?
Forums:
I'm new here, and was wondering if any of y'all have just said eff it and gone MIA during a visit?
A little background: married to a man I adore for 5 years, I have no bio-kids, and he has two, a boy-14 and girl-12. Tried like h*ll for 3 years to be "good Stepmom". Disneyland Dad + 2 hellions who disrespect me (Disney Dad does NOT stand up for me) = me getting the eff outta dodge.
My marriage is more important to me than a relationship with his children.
I've had moments like that
I've had moments like that with my own kids through the years.... generally after they have spent an extended period of time with their dad...
If you're going to leave like that, do you tell him why you're taking off?
"If you won't make them stop being disrespectful to me, don't expect me to stick around to take it "
When my SS21 was in his teen
When my SS21 was in his teen years my spa days "with my girl friends" (sometimes really with my girl friends and sometimes with myself) conveniently coincided with kid's visits. Funny how that worked.
I don't usually leave the
I don't usually leave the house, but I do become extremely busy when SD visits. All that housework that needs to get done? I suddenly have the motivation to do it when SD is around. No one bothers me while I'm cleaning, haha. When my little ones are napping, I do go MIA because "errands" or "need to return such and such to the library..." Which grants me a few hours.
When I don't feel like doing all that stuff, I sit at my desk and write. I've found that DH (and SD) don't like to interrupt me while I'm writing. I'm told that I glare a lot while I'm writing, lol, and interrupting me in the middle of writing is generally not advisable.
I get some great writing done when SD is here.
I never had to go MIA on
I never had to go MIA on purpose, my SD was a pretty good kid (and DH was not a Disney Dad), but I never let her visits stop me from doing what I wanted, whether it was going out with friends or doing my own thing at home. She was, after all, here to see her dad. I did plan, and do things, that included all 3 of us sometimes, as well. She is now 26, which is why I use past tense.
You can "can out of dodge" when they are there, that still doesn't get to the root of the problem, which is that your husband does not stand up for you.
Psh sometimes I go MIA from
Psh sometimes I go MIA from skid, my own bio, or even DH. I think it's common to take a time out for yourself when you've hit your limit. It's better than sticking around being mad about everything.
When I have discussed the
When I have discussed the need to be respected with my DH, it's like talking to a brick wall. We were in counseling for over a year for this, getting absolutely no where, with 3 different counselors.
Mind you the number of situations in one year's time that I would be around the stepkids is on average, FOUR.
Because this is "so little", my DH sees absolutely no reason in wasting so much energy on fighting, disciplining, or offering structure to these teenagers. It's easier for him to pull the Mickey Mouse Gang BS.
I think that in general, especially after reading so many posts on this site, I have it really good. As in, we live 600 miles away. He drives to see them for a long weekend once a month, and I "hang back". Being a shift working nurse really provides an excellent excuse.
But every summer, we get them for a week. This is not in the decree, it's just how it's always been. I've been the ring leader for two of them and after I consider these practically tearing my marriage apart, I decided to go on my own vacation (with the girls, my sister, my mom, etc) while they are visiting.
Although many may see is as a cop out, I see it as saving my own sanity. I even hire a cleaning lady to come before I return home. It works for me. BUT, my husband does tell me that he wishes things could be different.
While I wish I could stand his children for HIS sake, I don't desire a relationship with his children, at all. I have a lot of kids in my life. Who respect me, who treat me like a human being, whom I love and treasure. His two have brought me nothing but pain and despair (literally, I don't have one moment of joy to grasp onto).
I feel comfortable letting out my true feelings in this forum. These are things I can't even say to my family or friends without fearing judgment.
By the way, it was determined
By the way, it was determined that my DH's and I's definition of respect varies widely. We come from very different families of origin with mine being military and his being hippie-commune, so right off the bat, I knew finding a middle ground was going to be a challenge.
Common decency is huge to me. At 14 and 12, rummaging through our house without asking permission, well that's just showing no respect for our property, in my mind.
Whenever I discuss this with my husband, he's even gotten to the point of saying....
"If you had kids, you would understand."
It only took about two utterances of that load of BS for me to show him the door.
But, I let him back in, on my terms. Being married to HIM...is pretty darn awesome. We have a great life with JUST US, and our dog. I rarely think about the kids, but when I do, it comes on like a Category 5 Tornado....because under it all, I know there is a crapton of dysfunction, and I'm worried these kids will end up in orange jumpsuits and after they are let out on parole, come knocking on our door.
I did once but found that I'd
I did once but found that I'd be better off to garden or clean around the house. This way I could keep an eye on guilty daddyesque wanton spending.
Because Chef was purposely OVERpaying CS to the Girhippo, my income that paid all the household expenses became fodder for skid spoiling. Chef would also not keep an eye on the extremely destructive and wasteful skids so if I didn't want MY house to burn to ashes, it was best I hang around.
I'm doing it right now. Just
I'm doing it right now. Just a few weekends left where SD is still here before turning 18 and I am avoiding the house as much as possible. I am even going out of town for one of these.
I'm asking because although
I'm asking because although my DH doesn't razz me like he once did, the distance/disappointment/lack of intimacy when this is "fresh", is the price I pay, for my freedom. It may be that this will always be the price I pay. I'm not the time of person that can just brush that off, give myself a fist-bump, and move on with my life. I'm a disappointment to him, maybe even to this kids (or maybe they are celebrating too), and my MIL even gives me her 258 cents every time a visit comes up and "You are not coming AGAIN? For your husband? My precious son?" Ummmmm no lady. This isn't 1952. Women choose THEMSELVES now, we don't let tractor trailers roll over our souls over and over again if we can help it!
Thinkthrice, my husband tends
Thinkthrice, my husband tends to overspend too, and he has a slush fund just for kids expenses (with money made from his hobby), so I never "see it" come out of our account. With visits here, I do set up the bedrooms (with kid-friendly linens), and put out a small basket with toiletries essentials. I then, LOCK ALL THE SH*T up that I don't want them to eff with. In a keyed-lock room. Stuff that's near and dear to me, our financials (SS has been known to snap pictures like a freaking Russian Spy and send stuff to his mother), ALL Sharpies, you get the point. I am actually heading on vacation with my mother, so I'm even boarding our dog, which is my child. Yep, I can't even trust them not to hurt her, let her out on purpose, etc...because they know she's my everything. A cleaning lady comes the day before my mom and I return, and after the tazmanian devils, have left.
Praise the Sweet Baby Jesus this is just a once a year thing.
We have 50% custody and I'm
We have 50% custody and I'm MIA more than I'm not when it's kid week. My issue is that he's Disneyland Dad and indulges his kids any way they want whether it be his time entertaining them or spending money. He lives paycheck to paycheck because he spends every last dime (after living expenses) on them. Saves nothing for a rainy day. I'm a saver. I have to disengage or I'll go nuts. I'm very independent and kid week gives me a chance to do what I want or need to do. He would like it if I was there for everything, but accepts that I'm not. Seems to work for us. I am not at every family event either (his family) and I don't know what they say, but I don't care. I invite him to my family events and although he usually goes, I would never get mad if he chose not to.
I have noticed that there are a lot of Disneyland Dads referenced in this forum. I don't understand that??? Is that the easy button for men or are they really just being a pushover? I grew up with my single mom and brother, so I grew up with responsibilities and consequences. If I wanted more than food, clothing and shelter I had to get a job. Kids today don't even get their own drink at dinner time. Don't know how they are going to cope when they are on their own when they find out they have to do for themselves.
I'm thinking it's one thing
I'm thinking it's one thing to physically leave during visits and another to mentally and emotionally leave. I have horses to care for so I haven't left the farm during SD30's time here but this next visit (July 14-19) I will be mentally and emotionally out of dodge. She wants time with her dad - not me - so really, she would relish me going MIA...hell, I think she would like me to be missing at sea!
Hi, Just read these posts,
Hi,
Just read these posts, and trying to juggle thoughts in my head.
Would you agree?.. I am having a relationship with my partner and don't have to have a relationship with his daughter or have a duty to care for her? Part of me thought they were a package and wanting to have a relationship with him meant needing to have one with his daughter?
Thoughts and opinions please welcome - a struggling 'step mum' turning into a monster...
Fumblebee, just to answer
Fumblebee, just to answer your question, I have been MIA for pretty much three-quarters of my relationship with my partner. (And coming up this Christmas, we will have been together for 8 years). Like you, I did EVERYTHING.UNDER.THE.SUN to be the World's Greatest Stepmother. And like many, my disobedient SS just breezed through life, as if doing what he was told was purely optional. And my partner was a total Disneyland Dad too. So..... early on, I went through phases of just 'taking time out', by staying at my parents house every time he stayed. I would do this for a few months at a time, and then, give things another try. As always, he never failed to disappoint. So I would keep on alternating between being there, and taking time out. By the time the start of 2015 came, I decided to be MIA non-stop. My partner and I got married in the October of 2015, and I did not speak one word to my SS the whole day. I have never seen him since. He continues to see his Dad every-other-weekend. I have stipulated that he can now only stay once-a-month at OUR house (long story), and every other time at Grandads. When he DOES stay at our house, I continue to stay at my parents, each and every time. I actually recommend it. I can do what I like, see friends, and work on my own hobbies and pursuits. Having said that, things will change if I have my own baby. Then, he can never stay at our house.
By the way..... Someone mentioned on here, that we should all question and examine this 21st Century phenomenon of Disneyland Dads. I agree. I believe that it is a new way of being that never existed pre-1950. Someone needs to write a book about it.
Oh, and one last thing: if Echo is still on here, then, I have one thing to say: "Echo, you suck".
Sounds like we are living the
Sounds like we are living the same life. Except I have two SS. I started doing the MIA thing this year. I feel you.
My SS32 has been a legal
My SS32 has been a legal adult since I met DH almost a decade ago. My DH is so not a Disney Dad, and SS had burnt some pretty big bridges before I even met DH. Like DH had to evict him from his home with police escort for being extremely violent. Something BM and her DH and several girlfriends have also had to do. SS is a drunk (6'3" and about 250 lbs) who goes into RAGES and destroys everything in sight and tries to beat up anyone who disagrees with him.
DH asked if I could try to accept SS - and I did - but he was never living with us under ANY circumstances (including being homeless). Being homeless most often because some GF kicked him out for being violent with her.
But now - and I realize my situation is different since SS is not a minor) - SS is not allowed to cross my doorstep - even if I am miles away from home. DH has agreed to that, but I also have cameras up in the house that would "tell" on DH if he faltered.
So my advice is to avoid any cretins in your life even if they share DNA with a loved one. If they show signs of being a decent adult human being you can open the door a crack. But if not when they are legally adults just totally ban them from the premises.
I have to get my car's oil
I have to get my car's oil changed this weekend and hey, I'll go to x and y store too!
...all by myself. To help you.
Nope, never done that, never on a SD weekend!
I struggle with the concept
I struggle with the concept of the importance of a marriage to an abject failure as a parent. :? That denotes a serious lack of appealing character at many if not all levels.
I am not one to be able to separate character voids from the overall situation or find much value in a yes but marriage. My wonderful spouse sucks as a ... yes but.... they are amazing otherwise. I lose the plot at the "sucks as" point.