Reminding your husband that his grandkids birthday is coming up by putting that date on a family calendar and bringing it forward every year caused you some sort of problem?

I don't remind DH of his kids' or grandkid's birthdays. If it's important to him, he'll remember. Or put it on his calendar himself.

I figure it this way.. My step children do not remember my birthday, do not give me any personal gifts, give their dad photos of the grandchildren as a gift in the ugliest frames you have ever seen for Christmas...ONLY get together with us when they want us to buy them all a dinner at a nice expensive restaurant etc... why should I care about reminding their dad of their birthdays. He is a grown man and if he thinks that is important then put it on his fancy phone he carries...The older I get I realize it is all about surrounding yourself with people that really care about you.. Been there, done that trying to get these stepkids to act like nice people. No longer care anymore. They are adults and can act anyway they want to. I just don't have to participate in the craziness...

OCC, I appreciate you think this is an unimportant and harmless duty for a woman to undertake in her man's life and shouldn't be complained of, but you are rather missing the point. It's women who make the social fabric that ties kin together, women who celebrate birthdays, remember thank you letters, hold parties, and so forth. You can say this is a sexist situation and try to train men to become more caring and memorious, or you can say it's simply to be applauded as in everyone's genes, but what you can't do I'm afraid is suggest that it's not a big deal. Without women doing these little communication jobs throughout the history of families and cultures, men would be nowhere emotionally. They would ultimately lose their sense of belonging, intimacy, even community.

Then there is the pretence of it all, which is getting so-o-oh tired-looking to the modern woman. Those guys who would rush out late on the last night to buy characterless Christmas presents at the last minute or forget their mothers' anniversaries are endlessly shored up and protected from the consequences of their acts by wives. Now normally wives might not have minded this in the past because they were not the family breadwinners so they devoted themselves to home and family making, and even today wives might not mind doing this sort of thing for their own children or extended family whom they love, protecting their husbands from hurting the feelings of loved ones by their neglect and being better loved by the loved ones in return, because this builds bonds. But in a step family -- or even a modern nuclear family -- women are just not going to protect men from their own neglectfulness in this way for many decades longer. I believe that it's not just stepfamilies where this disengagement from the fake facilitating role is happening. For example, long before I was hurt by being a SM I was objecting in my mind to caretaking the relationship between DH and his mother by remembering her dates for him. I'm not his secretary, I earn more than him, I do more about the house than him, I'm more involved with the children, and I'm not going to do even more emotional work and continue to protect him from the consequences of his neglect of his mother just because I'm his wife. I do think it's time for the modern man to get a bit of a wakeup call on this subject and stop treating it as a trivial, almost humorous matter.

Serena, my experience was this. I kept the dates for my adult skids til this year, after this history. I stopped giving them separate presents as kids in the early years when I realised they were not even acknowledging the gifts. I then simply had DH put my name on the tag alongside his. I was still picking many of the gifts though. I replaced my own gifts with smaller gifts which I got my sons to wrap and give the skids, in order to continue to forge a half-sibling bond between them all. There was only once or twice reciprocation, but I didn't let that bug me. There was equally rare reciprocation from them to DH for his presents. After a big scene made by OSD when she was 16, after which I disengaged from her, and she didn't come to our home for a few years, I did not do even this sibling gifting for her. This year I have decided to completely stop it with my other two adult skids with whom I am cordial but as part of a process of detaching so that my OSD cannot use her 2 sibs to influence my two children.

I don't think my DH needed much reminding about the skids but in the last couple of years gifts are usually money and therefore I have discussed with him the amount to be given and have had my name attributed on the bank transfers. I have decided not to do even that this year but simply watch the bank account and see that the amount is acceptable (it goes out to their names under an online banking system). If nothing appears to go out, so much for him. He can explain himself to them, not my issue.

The effect in my case is nil. DH and his children are so mutually neglectful that my role in trying to facilitate things turns out to have been a complete waste of space. So, I've reduced my emotional workload and there is no price to pay. The effect regarding the in-laws is a little significant, in that I know they hold it against me that I do not perform the role of communication facilitator and see it as my wifely job. They resent me for allowing their darling prince to be seen in all his warty reality for the serial neglecter he is. In fact, this does not actually impact on me since, if they bitch, it will only be to my SIL and Skids whose opinions I am not really interested in anyway.

I think it is actually useful if in a marriage a DH does get affected by your disengaging from this job; negative effects are probably better for the time being than no effect; as at least that leads to discussion and hopefully positive working on problems between the couple.

hereiam....no you had it right the first time. Ex-wife support just about sums it up. You will do a happy dance when that day comes, trust me. I love that my DH's money can now stay where it belongs.

OP....I couldn't tell you when my skids birthdays are. Don't really care. It's liberating, isn't it?

wow, my step-daughter actually gives us a calendar every year for Christmas, it has EVERYONE's birthdays, anniversaries, dates of death... she's really good like that and I am truly grateful, because I am horrible at remembering dates

(though I wish she'd leave her Mom's family stuff off of it, I know it's to remind her brother, even though he could care less and doesn't pick up the phone to call his only surviving grandparent on her birthday!)

Whay is your DH expecting you to do stockings for his kids? He can do it himself just a easy as you can.

The last get together we had for a birthday my hubby and I were informed WHERE we were to meet the skids for 1 of their birthdays. Of course it was at an expensive restaurant..I mean really... they don't normally go to these type eateries when they are paying for it. My skids barely spoke to my children...in fact sat around giving them the stink eye...Did I mention I was paying for this meal? Barely spoke to me and basically grunted replies. Ordered an adult meal for a 1 year child - so they could take it home for later - WTH.... Then gave their Dad a big hug and said thank you...not even looking my way. Well I can tell you one thing, we have not been out for a birthday dinner with the skids since. Don't give a rats ass and cannot even tell you when their birthdays are. All erased from memory. If you can get to the point of disenaging...you will see how wonderful it feels...