When skids trash BM ...
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What do you say if one of your skids complains or bad-mouths their BM/BF?
Now that they are adults, I think the skids are starting to discover their mother is a piece of work. The most recent example is that BM did something to SD this holiday which was pretty lousy and SD complainted to both SO and me about it.
Usually, we keep out mouths zipped and just make non-committal "Hmm's" or "That must have been difficult" or something like that. Of course, we both want to say what an ass her mother is but certainly can't.
How do you respond when a skid tells you something about their BM/BF?
My husband just says, "Well,
My husband just says, "Well, that's your mom."
SD is 21 and we never bad mouthed BM but SD now knows what a psycho she is. It doesn't keep SD from letting BM in her life and that is fine, but my husband knows that SD will dislike her mom one day and think she is the greatest the next, so he pretty much just listens and keeps his mouth shut.
Sometimes, I think SD just wants my husband to dish the dirt on BM so she can report back (to get in BM's good graces), but he won't play.
I also would worry that the
I also would worry that the kid is still playing sides and continue to keep my mouth shut. Once they are in their 30's I think you can usually be more candid.
My ss14 trash talks everyone.
My ss14 trash talks everyone. Has since he's been able to string a sentence together. Seriously. At first I took him seriously-he was just a little kid, surely a small child wouldnt make up all these things about his own mother? I realized that he was probably not always accurate but I felt there must be a grain of truth in what he said. Little did I know he was talking up a storm about dh and I as well. When he was about 8 or 9 I finally caught on to all the lies and trash talk. Started telling him things such as, "If you have an issue with your bm you need to discuss it with her" or at other times I would just tell him that It was disrespectful and wrong for him to talk about anyone in that manner.
I ditto the not trashing her.
I ditto the not trashing her. But also wanted to add - do not defend her either.
Some of these skids have real legitimate beefs with their worthless mothers. For you to defend her and pretend that all is roses and rainbows is marginalizing the skids real concerns.
When a BM does something truly atrocious a better response than "yeah she's a POS" is "I'm sorry that happened."
I guess we're on the right
I guess we're on the right track of just not getting involved in these kinds of discussions.
Once the skid leaves my SO and I will discuss what a nutjob BM is! I can tell it really does bother him that BM can be so self-centered and do such insensitive things to her own son and daughter.
But I also understand that skids can "color" events to make themselves appear the victims, and the reality may be very different from what they are portraying. Another good reason for keeping our opinions to ourselves.
If skid is saying crap about
If skid is saying crap about BM to you chances are excellent skid is saying crap about you to BM.
Keep your mouth shut. Be cautious.
It may be possible, but
It may be possible, but honestly, I doubt she says anything much about me to BM.
SD really has never made an effort to get to know me. She doesn't even know my last name, let alone anything I do or am involved with! Never asks me anything personal. Not much fodder for discussion.
When DH and I first got
When DH and I first got married SD would put down BM. I did not comment. But I found later it didn't matter anyway. A couple of years ago we ran into BM and it was obvious she was mad at me. The only way she could be mad at me would have been for SD to tell lies about me. So you have to consider the source. Most times when we meet someone who talks bad about other people we always wonder what they say about us to others. Best to stay away.
Whenever DH's kid trashes
Whenever DH's kid trashes Uberskank I tell her the same thing, "I understand you're having conflict with your mother, however you shouldn't speak badly about her to your father or me."
She's 17 now and I've been repeating this line for over two years.
DH will allow her to blather on about her, but I generally cut her off and request she vent to her friends and not to us.
There have been times Uberskank has called her when we're on the way to drop her off. The conversations over the last few months have been tense and she expresses frustration. While I get the mother/teenage daughter issues, I generally just ask if she's okay but I don't say anything about Uberskank.
I believe you're doing the right thing. The non-committal hmmmmmmmms are okay, and even a "how does that make you feel?" is okay too. But if it gets too awkward, it may be wise to be straight with the skids and let them know it makes you uncomfortable for them to speak about their mother to you.
ETA - I'm not unkind when I ask that she vent to her friends, but Uberskank isn't a subject we can be objective about with her.
Yes indeed, there is NO
Yes indeed, there is NO objectivity when it comes to BM!
Thanks for your perspective,
Thanks for your perspective, SA. I never even thought about it being a compliment that she mentioned it to me. But ... I am also not foolish enough to encourage further such discussions!
I guess the best response is what I am basically doing - expressing a bit of general concern/sympathy in a non-judgemental way without making any statements about BM. And then change the subject!