Thanks, ESMOD.

Not 100% in agreeance with what you are saying. Maybe I did read a bit too much into the phone conversation, but it all screamed too familiar with how the SDs have always been treating me in all these years anyway (that dismissive tone and treatment, particularly from SD16 and occassionaly SD18). Treating me like as if I don't belong, I'm excluded, and I'm not family. 

Just to be clear, I'm not looking to forgive and forget. I just want to move past it all and be in a place where we can all be civil for the sake of my DH. In the future I don't want to put DH in a difficult position of having to choose between me or his kids (particularly in attending events, etc.). And I see all these posts from stepparents whose partners/spouses are struggling to draw the boundaries and letting their kids call the shots and be mini wives, all well into their 60s and 80s, and I don't want that to happen to us. That is my priority, hence why the need to draw the boundaries now than later. 

For the past decade, Father's Day for me, DH & the SDs have always been celebrated as a family unit. If not just us 4 then it involves DH's family or my family. For DH's family & my family it has also always been celebrated as a family unit (with all our siblings), as both sets of parents are still together. And SDs have always been welcomed & involved in either events (whether it be BBQ lunch with DH's or lunches out with my family). 

Also, there was really no particular reason for the breakdown of the relationships. IMO SDs completely blew everything out of proportion. It went from 'we need to have one on one time' to 'I am never ever seeing you again and blocking you'. And it wasn't like DH didn't want to grant their wishes of having the one on one time. 

And TBH I don't want to push for this, if I could I would honestly rather not have a relationship or contact with SDs at all. But DH's family is all over it, particularly his parents; they keep pushing for him to make up with them and they want SDs attending the family events again. I'm not going to be one of those people who act 'if she's there, I'm not going.' I am DH's wife and I have all the rights to be at family events and I'm not going to tiptoe around SDs. And the way I see it is that the sooner we get this over and done with, the sooner I can get my ILs off our backs. I don't intend to be chums with SDs and give it my 'full-hearted effort'. I have given it my full-hearted effort in all these years and they have never failed in treating me like I'm sub-human. They never even wished me happy birthday. SD16 ignores me and always failed to say hi and bye whenever she came around. Everything that I did for them in this past decade (helping with school, organising their birthdays & Christmases, buying them presents, taking them out during school holidays, organising the end of year family holiday trips, etc.) have been taken for granted and they have never appreciated any of it. I honestly don't care about them now. But I do care about DH. I know he will be tormented if SDs don't attend important family events and if our relationships are still strained. I know he will be devastated if he has to attend events on his own without me, and is already devastated that his kids aren't attending these events anymore. 

And honestly it has been nearly 10 months. We fought and argued over heated moments and I think it is really time to move past everything. I'm OK with DH spending some one on one times with SDs without me, but at the same time SDs shouldn't be the one getting to call the shots as to which events they don't want me in. My parents and DH's parents never ever say to us that they only want to see one of us and not the other. If DH is invited, then I am invited. So if our parents never do this, why should we let his kids do this? And also, the sooner we draw this boundary, the sooner SDs will understand that we won't put up with such exclusionary behaviours (which I have been putting up with this past decade, BTW). If we let this happen this one time, I trust that there will always be a next time. There will always be another occasion where they don't feel comfortable with me showing up. And it will become harder and harder to draw that line. The next occasion may not be Father's Day. It might be their 21st, it might be their engagement, it might be their wedding. I know I'm probably thinking too far ahead into the future. But I think everything that I was worried about has come to fruition. 

Trust me, there is a lot of hurt on my end. I resent everyone, including my DH, because he has never addressed any of these exclusionary behaviours early on. To me, it has gone beyond repairs and I don't intend to forget past hurts, all because I know it will keep occurring in the future. They are never sorry, they are just sorry they got caught and that I'm calling them out on their poor behaviours. If they are truly sorry I would expect a change of behaviours. In my dictionary, 'don't be sorry, just don't do it again.' But oh, they will do it again. A million times and over. So no, there is no forgiveness in my heart for now.

Sadly there would always only be those 2 choices you mentioned. I certainly hope the DD chip will fall in place. 

I have high moral values and always strive to do the right things by others, and that's why my conscience was questioning this decision. But last night I had the realisation; why should I always try to do the right thing by others when those others don't even bother doing the right thing by me? As apparent in the way SDs have always treated me in all these years.

I agree 100% with you and I also think that we should make it known that it is SD's choice to everyone. But the problem I know I will have is that my ILs (esp. my MIL) will judge us so badly for DH not seeing SD on Father's Day, EVEN IF SD is the problem and the one to refuse to join in. My ILs have the tendency to be people pleasers (that's where my DH get it from), and they want to always keep the peace and they have this constant sickening principle of 'putting the children first', regardless of the situation. They will not give a damn about what DH and I want, they will only think that DH should see her no matter what and that they will judge DH to be doing the wrong thing for not seeing her (and they most likely would think that it was me who has a problem with DH seeing her). Hence why I said it is just a lose-lose situation for me... 

I even thought that maybe we should just book a getaway and run away from all of this, because I'm just dreading it so very much. But it is not adult-like to run away from problems, SIGH. I wish I could just disappear into thin air sometimes. 

Yes, I'm glad that DH is finally opening his eyes and realising everything, and that particularly I'm right about how his kids are. Thank you.

What you are saying is 100% how I feel & think now and it is good to know that you have made this same decision and have applied it for decades and that it is working for you. I hope it will work for me, too. I 100% don't want a relationship with my SDs anymore and have come to accept that everything that I have done for them in the past have gone down the drain. I no longer wish that they will become 'better' as they get older. I no longer wish that they could be the children that I will grow to be close to, whom I never had. And I no longer wish that they will finally open their eyes and see that BM and her family are Crazy with a capital C. 

And phony civility is what I aim for between me and SDs from this point onwards. Like you said, we don't have to sit next to each other, heck I don't even have to talk to her in the whole event except for politely saying hello and goodbye. I couldn't care less. Everything that I do is for my DH only, and the only reason I will put up with them is because of my DH. And you are 100% right that they will have to learn to tolerate people that they may not like in their lives, like their colleagues. I have said this to SD16 numerous times, as she would act vile to people that she didn't like. I would tell her that she would need to learn to tolerate and remain polite to others even if she doesn't like them. But she doesn't care for what I advise her. 

In the decade that I have been in their lives, they have never ever called or texted DH or myself to just say hello. They only called/texted when they wanted something and when they did, they would call numerous times to the point of spamming and would only stop when they got what they wanted. And when they didn't get what they wanted, DH would immediately be vilified and verbally abused. They are exact clones of BM. I used to think they will open their eyes and see that we're not the bad guys when they are older and wiser. But heck no. Now I don't wish for anything but only for my DH to be happy. My priority is my DH and he's the only one that matters to me, not his kids, not his family. 

The dilemma I would have though is that his entire family is this toxic, 'family is everything', 'family comes first' kind of people. And I truly don't know how I'm going to ever deal with it. And because DH is inherently a people pleaser (just like his parents), he is so afraid of confrontation. He must also have been raised to never defy his parents and to always oblige to them, so he still has this guilt whenever he has to draw the boundaries with them. Don't get me wrong, I was also raised to always respect the elders, but I'm not that afraid of confrontation and if I think my parents crossed the line I will let them know and tell it as it is. But I still feel like it's not in my position to be telling his parents how it is; it should be his job, and not mine. After all, he is an adult capable of defending himself. I have also recently learned to stop defending for him and to let him fight his own battles. 

And as for the grandkids, OMG you are totally right and thank you for that insight. Especially this bit: "I don't need to go through a second generation of being excluded, treated as less-than or other insults with grandskids." I can already feel this in my bones. I already know SDs won't even have the decency to even the slightest consider me as their children's step grandmother (they don't even consider me as their stepmother, so why would they consider me as their children's step grandmother?), and so you are 100% right, the cycle will start again and I will be excluded once again. 

I don't plan to spend anymore time, money or emotional energy on them ever again. I have done that in the past decade without ever getting anything out of it. And I was constantly vilified and excluded, and so I will never ever do that again. I won't even bother helping DH buy presents for them (he never did, I always did even though sometimes it would be his money spent and not mine, but the effort was still mine). He won't buy any presents for them, and I know it. Even if he does, he'd probably just get laughed at and told that his presents are shit and why can't he buy them better presents seeming as he has the money to do so? These are the kind of kids they are. They constantly tell him that he's a shit father and that he's inadequate. And honestly, good luck to their future husbands. Their mother is divorced (has 4 kids from 2 different men), their auntie (from the mother's side) is divorced twice and their grandmother (from the mother's side) is also divorced. When I look at my DH, I question myself as to how could she have divorced him? He is a decent man, he is a hard working individual, certainly not lazy, he is good with his money and he doesn't have any unhealthy addictions to anything (doesn't even drink or smoke). He loves and cares for his children and me and he shares with me household chores and responsibilities. He was raised in a very traditional family with his mother SAHM and his father working more than usual, and yes I do admit that at times he isn't the most helpful around the house, but he always tries his best. He is of course not perfect, but neither am I. But my point is that he is all in all, a good man. And he even told me that my SD's auntie's second husband (whom my DH went to school with and was friends with), is a good man. They have 3 kids, she was a SAHM and he worked 2 jobs to afford her high needs and expectations. But all in all, a good man. But she still divorced him. SD's family from their mother's side seems to have this unreasonably high expectations of men and constantly projects their own insecurities and put them down (nothing the men do would ever be enough) whilst they put themselves in pedestals thinking they are it and a bit (trust me, they're not). Anywho, I'm quite convinced that my SDs won't have healthy relationships with men, given these toxic female figures in their lives... Not much I can do about it though, as I'm the wicked evil stepmother!

Once again, thank you so much for your insight and sharing, I love it. I am at the start of the path where you are at now, following your footsteps and I hope it will continue this way and I hope it will be smooth, at least for me and my sanity. I am healing, slowly, and I shouldn't let his toxic spawns slow down this healing process.