She sounds like a teen?

As different as night and day. My oldest SK is mtf trans and identifies as communist...my oldest son is in the military. My SD20 is married with a baby, living with BM and not at all able/willing to provide for herself. My daughter is working and going to school, itching for independence.  

I think some kids/young adults experiment with life until they figure out who they are.

Oldest SK, because their views are radically different from ours, can be difficult sometimes,  so we try to leave out topics we already know we disagree on. With SD20,  DH just tries to encourage her to at least work on getting a driver's license.  She has no independence and no skills and it seems her white trash husband likes it like that and just just tries to make him happy.

Our hope is that all of them manage to find their way in life. We help the ones that make an effort to help themselves along the way.  The first steps are up to them.

Sometimes just being an ear to listen and not lend comment is all a child needs.  Sometimes letting them know they are enough and you love and support them is all the child needs.  Your choices and expectations in life are just that, your expectations.

much seamless in his adult life since jumping from the burning platform into the USAF at 18.  He did struggle a bit with launching but... due to his mom and I continuing to feed the flames on the burning platform designed to get him to launch he has nailed adulting ... with the recognized guidance of the USAF professionals who make their career leading and motivating young people to be contributing members of an effort bigger than themselves.

We offered him the mom and dad full meal deal university opportunity anywhere in the world he wanted to go and could get accepted.  After a number of months of our incessent inquiries on his applications he sat us down and shared that he would finish his Bachelor's degree, understood the importance of it, but that he was not then ready to focus enough to be successful.  He was clear with us that it would, at that time, have been a waste of his time an our money.

Though we were frustrated and disappointed, in hind sight we are very proud of how self aware he was as a 17/18yo and respect that he was assertive enough with us to not force him into a situation he would not have been successful in. 

He was far more self aware and assertive than I was at that age.  Because of that, I ended up following my parent's assertive guidance though I knew I was not capable at that time of providing the structure and self motivation to be successful at my university studies. Hense my 11yr undergrad career. I was in class, every semester, for 11 years until I finally graduated with my BS in Engineering. After 7 colleges/universities and 5 majors. I paid for the middle 7 years. My parents paid for the first 2 and helped significantly with the last 2.  When I finally graduated with my BS I had nearly 250 Semester Hours of credit. More than enough for two full Bachelor's degrees.

Our son has finished his AS in Computer Science, is working on completing his BSCS, and has completed 11 years of service in the USAF. He has 5 years left on his current commitment.  He will likely retire after 20 years in the USAF about the same time that I fully retire.  His mom and I are extremely proud of our son.

His major epiphanies have come as an adult. As a young child then through he teens he was really not much trouble other than when his Spermidiot reared his idiot head and facilitated SS teen boy brain farts.  Nothing a nearly 2year experience at a Military boarding school for his last two years of HS did not mitigate ... mostly at least.  He came out to his mom and I as gay when he was 20.  He has truly thrived as an since he figured that out. 

His mom and I have his back. Though with that comes occassional parenting as well.  The three of us have remained extremely close.  We are proud of the man we raised.

I suppose different kids need different guidance and different parenting at various times in their lives.  Which makes parenting, particularly SParenting, the toughest job anyone can have.  When the BKs are more mature, stable, and capable than the Skids, SParenting is just that much harder.

Good luck.

When you say "non-conventional", what do you mean?

Are you saying that she is a free spirit-type who loves the arts, doesn't value commercialism, not religious, etc. Basically, is she non-conventional in things she CHOOSES to be non-conventional in?

Or is she "non-conventional" because of things she DIDN'T choose, like her sexuality?

Choosing to be non-conventional in a more traditional area is rough, even when you are confident in your choices. Especially if you feel that your parent raised you or pointed you in that direction but has since become more traditional in their thoughts and ideals. Being a young adult (I'm assuming late teens/early 20s) means being both bold in action but questioning whether you've done the righr thing. It's a vulnerable time overall, and if your beliefs are at odds with what you've grown up with or what is predominantly around you, it takes a hot minute to become comfortable in those beliefs. I don't find it odd that she would seek her mother's approval, especially if she sees her mom as the one who planted the seeds for her beliefs/actions. This becomes something SD and her mom need to have a conversation about (and as someone who has been there with her own parents, it's not a fun conversation to have).

Now, if we're talking about her doing life-destructive stuff like doing drugs, drinking until she blacks out, jumping from abusive relationship to abusive relationship - you don't have to be supportive of that. In fact, it might be worthwhile to have an intervention.

If, though, you and your wife are having issues being supportive because the "unconventional" is something that SD can't change, like she's a lesbian or bisexual or trans, then that's your problem to deal with and figure out how to be supportive of SD with. It's unacceptable to not accept a child you ( or in this case, your wife) bring into this world because their being is at odds with your beliefs. Sort your internal BS out and don't take it out on SD if that's the case.

Every kid is different. Some need or want more guidance and support than others. While it looks good from the outside when a young adult has their act together and keep on a straight and narrow path, I can tell you from experience that it also comes with a lot of anxiety and fear of failure. While it means making good decisions early on, it can create someone who is risk adverse and who doesn't challenge authority or the status quo. Basically, it comes with its own set of problems, and those problems are only compounded when people praise them for doing the "right" thing when that "right" thing may not actually be right for them. It's what breeds the stereotypical midlife crises in men and Wine-and-Xanax Wednesday in women.

Kids are a combination of their unique genetics and environment.  Everyone's personality is different too.  

While your kids may appear more normal to you... that may be the normal that you project.. while someone else's family.. kids could appear different.  

You can't ignore the impact of the parenting.. of which your DW had a clear hand in.  She may have set up that somewhat codependent dynamic with her daughter.. I'm not sure when you married.. but perhaps they were closer post divorce.. and they rely on each other more?

If you care for her.. you can encourage her to make decisions that are best for her.. but she may not appreciate people tearing down the BF.. which could lead to her clinging to him tighter.