Unconditional love or denial
So dh is totally estranged from his daughters, now in their 20's. I won't rehash what they and their mother have done to him, and me over the years. Icing on the cake was last year his oldest daughter actually took back her first payment on a college loan dh co signed for her! And has refused any and all contact with him. He meanwhile has been making monthly payments.....
So dh has started calling younger daughter every few months.....never gets a call.....birthday and Father's Day passed.....silence. So he called last night. She is enmeshed with oldest sister and knows exactly what her sister did to their father with this loan.
I was present for part of it. Lasted an hour! Narcissists love talking about themselves! Lol. She started out by saying she had meant to call him.....
Now why did this call really get me going??? Dh asked how her sister was doing and then says he planned on calling her too. WTF??? I wanted to take the phone and tell his daughter, " see how crazy this guy is? You guys can beat this man up time and time again and he just takes it."
He ends conversation as usual' " you have my number, don't be a stranger".
As usual begging for something he never gets.
I have to imagine the relationship between him and them was very disturbed....like a sadist and a masochist and it is still being played out.
He is doing exactly what he did with his ex at the end of their marriage.....she was off having one affair after the next and he was begging her to return over several years...
He's going to keep trying, in
He's going to keep trying, in hopes that one day they will grow up and want a father-daughter relationship.
I don't see anything wrong with him calling and talking to them but he needs to be done giving them money and doing things for them, he needs to be done being used by them. He's just trying to keep the lines of communication open, which is fine as long as he keeps his wallet closed and he doesn't let them abuse him.
My SD goes in spurts as far as calling her dad, he's used to it and usually doesn't take it personally. People with messed up BMs, often have messed up relationships with the other people in their lives, especially the other parent.
I completely agree with
I completely agree with alienation of a parent being generational. BM's mom did this with her and her siblings and now BM is doing it with DH's girls.
As my DH would say "The only way my daughters would come to my funeral is by me providing airline tickets and hotel accommodations."
I used to tell him, your daughters love you, just give them time!! After watching 11 years of alienation unfold, I no longer believe those girls will come around to wanting an authentic father/daughter relationship. It's only when he has his wallet open that they "come around." And that's about once a year.
That is the one good thing I
That is the one good thing I can say about my SD, she is not continuing the pattern with her own kids and ex-husband. She knows what BM did to her relationship with DH and is determined not to do that to her kids and their dad.
However, she is not willing to admit her own part in sabotaging her relationship with her dad so that keeps them from moving forward.
Great post!! So
Great post!! So true....these kids have been taught to abuse their father, which is why I have little hope they will ever see him in a different light. And yes, they will go on to make a royal mess out of their future spouses and offspring.
I am happy they are not a part of my life, but I would be a fool to think that could not change. Seems this daughter is applying to grad school only a few hours away, so see??
I even cringed when dh told me she asked about my kids, and he happily filled her in on them. I so recall this very daughter using my personal info to give to her mother to attack me years ago......so I was a bit perturbed that dh gladly provided info on me and my kids.
If he wants to talk to them,
If he wants to talk to them, he should keep you and your family out of it.
Luckily, my DH knows better than to trust his daughter so although he talks to her on the phone, that is about the extent of their relationship. She is 24 but still up BM's ass.
My SD18 just started cutting
My SD18 just started cutting off communication with DH and I, about 2 months back. She has related that she just needs time to think about things, but meanwhile, BM is continuing the 12 year long brainwash game that got us to this point. So while SD is taking time to think (with BM whispering in her ear), DH and I are not allowed to defend ourselves, not that we ever have been. But we both still hold out hope that SD will do what she says she is going to do, just take some time and then give DH the chance to speak with her about whatever it is that is bothering her. I, on the other hand, have recently decided to disengage. I'm just tired of the backstabbing and the cold glares every time I walk into a BM family event, like a graduation, wedding, etc... I refuse to accept the level of discomfort, anxiety, and downright rudeness that is aimed at me every time I go to one of those things. So no more events for me. I am focusing on my own three children and DH. For DH's sake, I do hope SD comes around, he is one of those that was abused for years by BM. But realistically, I know it may never happen. And in part, my disengagement will not help. But gotta look out for #1 and the little ones that depend on me. Just hope my hubby doesn't become the permanent Fall Guy.
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