Trying to Stay Married
first post. married 10 yrs ....sk boys are 20/22 ME 52, wifey 43.
Oldest (22)sk just out of rehab and clean (90 days) after 9 yrs of drug/alcohol abuse including several jailtimes and dealing, He is also a new daddy, gf is a brainless pc o trash. 9th grade dropout. He was out of the house for a year and went wild (while she paid all his rent, bills, legal, etc)NOW HE IS BACK....
My prob is I love my wife, she is a great woman in many ways, we are both succesful and $ secure.... but after almost 10 yrs of this, I am finding it hard to hang around. Oldest SK is a $$$$ pit and tho he is not drinking/getting hi, he is back home with us a and a complete pig. He can do no wrong in her eyes, and gets his way almost always. He has to have friends over, loud tv or music, making messes etc....she just says he is not hurting anybody....she spends $$$ on gifts for him to 'make him happy' I hate the kid as he takes over the house, noise, friends, mess and we cannot trust him. She of course....worships the ground he walks on.
Part of this attitude of hers that everything is OK and she refuses to own up to any real parenting I'm afraid is making me loose respect for her and sadly...loose my love for her.
Also second SK age 20, a little slow, sleeps 12-14 hrs a day, works 15 hrs a week 9th grade dropout. useless at best but a hrmless slug...may be there forever tho...
She is very happy they live with us, just wants to 'love them'. I'm worried I can't take much more of this. I also worry they may be there well into the years.... as nothing is expected of them to improve, they have taught to believe "they can't") and that trying to retire will be hard or she will spend all retriremnet $$$...ideas, advice, suggestions on a new attitide?
She needs to understand that she is handicapping them.
Parents are supposed to encourage growth and teach their children to become self-sufficient. Those two things are just as important as giving your children love, food, water and shelter. What your wife is doing is enabling her children to be failures. Ask her who she thinks is going to take care of them when they are dead if she does not teach them to fend for themselves now.
~ Anne ~
"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook
Totally Agree with Anne
Enabling was my first impression. You might even ask her who's going to "take care" of them when she's not there anymore because at the rate she's going she's going to give herself a heart attack being the caretaker for all these adults.
I have a tragic story about parents setting limits too late. My aunt and uncle are an extremely hard working couple with a daughter and a son. They lived in the same house since they first got married over 40 years ago. Their son got involved in drugs and was constantly in trouble, stole everything he could from them and what money he couldn't steal, they spent on lawyers and bonds and rehab until there was nothing left. Their son is in and out of jail and halfway houses on the other side of the country. He's allowed to call home once a week. My aunt and uncle lost everything, their home and their life savings, they rented a tiny apartment and both have to work every day even though they should be cutting back and easing toward retirement. My uncle died suddenly on Halloween this year leaving my aunt alone and with nothing. She had to move out of the apartment where they were living because she couldn't afford the rent. AT the time of the funeral, their son hadn't called home that week so he didn't even know his father had passed. It just breaks my heart to know that she's lost her soulmate and has to struggle financially after working so hard all their lives.
Some questions to consider - how many of us are so financially secure that one major illness, one tragic accident or lawsuit wouldn't wipe out everything we have? How far do we go for our bio-children and/or step-children before we declare that we've done everything we can?
Your wife sounds like she thrives on feeling needed and these boys fulfill that for her. My mom is exactly the same way and when she gets low on the "needed" scale, she creates some huge drama so she can generate need.
I love my children but I look forward to watching them create their own lives as adults because that, to me, will be the measure of my success as a parent. Maybe that's a component here...maybe your wife feels responsible for where her boys are at this stage in their lives and while she thinks she's helping them what she may not realize is that she's encouraging dependency.
Just some thoughts.
"Bitter? Table for ONE..."
Let her support them herself...
What would happen if your wife had support them all by herself? Having your income also makes it easy but what if you guys were separated? If you are considering separation, make sure she is the one moving out and she takes the slugs with her. I predict that after a couple months of supporting them on her own it might look like a different situation to her.
I agree with English that seeing your kids create their own lives is very wonderful.
Nellie
Only a 9th grade education?
Why does her son only have a 9th grade education?? Even if he is as you said, "slow" that doesn't mean it's OK to drop-out. Loving and caring for a child also means you want them to have the best education possible. My grandparents have ruined my father and his siblings because they never made them responsible for anything. My father is now a 49yr old nothing and has no motivation to become anything. She is enabling her children, and the two of you share a home TOGETHER.... You 2 need to be in agreement with the living situation, and how the kids are supported. Don't allow her kids to take over the home and life you 2 have worked so hard for.
I can relate
Anne hit it on the head - your wife is enabling them into their graves. I have a similar problem with my DH and SD - though without the drug twist thank goodness.
SD ended up returning home last March, pregnant, unemployed, and fully entitled (in her and my DH's opinion) to my life and resources. (I am bread winner in the family) My personal goal is a self sufficient young lady with a wonderful, healthy child that I can visit and a caring relationship with my DH - where we can eventually buy white leather belts and tour the country in a winnebego and leisure suits...
I have had to have many long and painful conversations, and sometimes fights, with DH. Unfortunately, I no longer can trust him as I once did - very similar to how you are feeling about your wife. (Tho, I've only been married a year and half). I finally laid down the law with him last August. I am a mean ogre with no real understanding of what it is like to raise a kid. Really - just ask him. However, the folks on this site have helped me develop ten points that I keep returning to with my DH. Both SD and DH have come to realize I am totally reliable about them. I have started to see a change over the last month. I am hoping it continues in the right direction. We'll see...
1. We are here to support SD through a hard time
2. Our goal is to help her be self-dependent
3. Our job is to provide a safe and healthy basic living space
4. Our job is NOT to keep her comfortable or happy - that is her job
5. We are not supporting BM, SD's BF, SD's BF's family, BF visits, or SD's friends - we are ONLY supporting SD (and now grand daughter, but we expect SD to support her)
6. DH is NOT her boyfriend, he is her FATHER
7. A CHILD's job is to grow up and stand on (his/)her own two feet
8. We cannot and will not bankrupt ourselves for her whims - that is actually NOT helping - it is a slow form of killing
9. A quicker nicer way of handicapping your kid is to hamstring them, then at least they qualify for more public assistance
10. This is MY house. My rules will be followed
DH is not always happy with this. I think that SD actually has found that she is MORE happy when she is following the rules. huh. imagine that.
Oh - here is a favorite line - "don't make me choose between my daughter and you". HAHAHAHAHA - I can see your wife going there based on your description. yes - well, the deal is - they aren't choosing between you and their kid. They are choosing to destroy their kid and loose you. A fine no win situation. To establish rules that everyone can live by means they are actually choosing both their kid AND you. Then the choice really devolves to the adult child. Amazingly enough, my SD has chosen to work with the rules. well, so far, this month, mostly...
Sorry for the long reply, but really, writing this out really helps me too. Dh and I just had a blow out on Tuesday, and this helps me get back in the groove. Thanks
Thanks, friends!
Of course I need to vent, but seeing others on here with problems is of course, helpful (co-miserating?) Seeing others on here reiterating what I have said and known all along is also depressing--- it brings back the reality of the situation.
We have been down all the roads mentioned, her counselor she went to told her she was enabling and she even has a book on it she read a bit. All of these choices are tough for both of us. They have actually gotten BETTER than they were a few years ago.....(which she interpets as they are doing GREAT!!!)
I just got home from out of town and found cig butts on the porch, the trash piled in the driveway for 3 days, and he had grease all over the stove from cooking. I think it's fair to say that I CAN look for the negative and can be a perfectionist, her sons- and her to an extent, can be a slob, and I can be a clean freak - I may need some help in that dept honestly. his room was clean.... I called and forwarned my wife -- I was not going to tolerate coming home to piles of trash dishes and laundry.. she can be a little messy herslf.
My first wife was pretty, succesful, great cook, could sew anything, and you could eat off the floor of our house. But we turned out to be like oil and water eventually..I'm only saying THAT because NOW I am with a great woman now with many good qualities, who I did not know was going to turn out to be a mom who was so weak and unauthoritive... maybe you can't "have it all?" Current wifes kids were 8 and 10 when we got married, and also current wifes father raised them the same way, so she thinks thats "right" to do. He told told her after we had a big fight once, things will take time....well I agree with that too, but I don't see change happening with time alone, and no teachings or impetus to change. Add to that, i think she loves having them here at home with her, I travel a bit for work, so she loves babying them and having them home.
SO WHAT DO I WANT IN A WIFE AND A HOME LIFE? How much can I put up with for this woman....? Is this a 'lesser of two evils' choice?- being single/alone again, less of a lifestyle, and the things that go with it....and I just started a great new job, I'm not sure I could survive the stress mentally or physically of a divorce, without loosing this job. She has a great family butn they all look at this and wionder what the he** she is doing....and ask me how I can stand it )!!!???
But REALLY , this is better than before....it was WAY worse than this. I think everything everyone says is true, but maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel???? Really, I am trying to figure out if I have this is hard to say...."lost my love for her", and if my disgust of these kids is so deep rooted it will poision us for years to come.... thoughts welcome....BUT......I am TRYING to find some good here!
I'm letting everyone know
I'm letting everyone know that I had a calm adult and man to man talk with 22 tr old ss last night and told him his mom and I have a lot of stress and that he is also a good part of that and that I need his HELP to stay married to his mom. He responded well when I told him it was disrespectful of him to trash our house (I once threw his cigarette butts he left on our driveway in his car, they landed on some new clothes in his car and he was VERY upset. I reminded him that that's EXACTLY how I feel about him trashing up our house every day, and that I was not going to clean up after, him....would he PLEASE take 10 minutes to clean up after himself...I DID try to talk to him about his workouts, and told him his room looked better first, so I didn't start out with a negative.
So far so good, he did clean up after himself. Don't know if this is helpful to anyone.......?
*eye raises* Ahhh....
Her family notices, comments to you, but do they ever questioned her about it? You may have some allies in this...
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
In same boat, kindof
Let her support them herself... Your marriage is just that - your marraige. You must be an awful good person to handle this. I have compassion for you. You need to make it clear that that the marraige is between you and her. These kids are a product of part of her past, not yours, and certainly not part of your future together. I am sure you did not marry her cause you were in love with her kids. I think you need to make a list of priorities and lay down the rules with 50/50 compromises and sacrifices. Make a list if necessary. She has to realize you were not a solution for her to support and breed their dysfunctions lifestyle. The kids have problems and may need their father, if he is absent then she must give in, allow you to run the household with a set of rules for them and they must repect you or leave. If she is so intent on baby-ing them then I think she can't let go of her prior life and is treating you like a monetary replacment. You must really love her and I feel for you. This is a difficult situation. As far as the kids go maybe they need a tough father image and a lot of rules from the man of the house. I think kids greatly benefit from structure, security, a set of rules and displine and hopefully will grown them into responsible adults. You are a good man.