In 5 weeks my life has been destroyed by a stepdaughter and a guilt driven mother. Thank God I found this site. I've been in a living hell for 5 1/2 weeks. Any help or words of wisdom would be great. I love Annette unconditionally and we were incredible together for 3 1/2 years prior to 5 1/2 weeks ago.

Here are the facts:

Annette: 54, married once for 8 years, to an physically abusive spouse. Had three children with this man. Remarried a couple of years later to an older man whose kids were out of the house with the exception of his youngest son. This man passed away approximately 6 years ago. Annette had her grown adult son, 25 living at home after her husband passed for the first 3 years. Owns a roofing company and is a roofing contractor

Mike: 58, married once, for 19 years. Relatively amicable divorce. No children, no personal experience with children. Annette and Mike have been together for 3 ½ years and consider ourselves married. Best friends and soulmates and we realize that we have found in each other our imperfectly perfect mates. Able to talk about anything openly and honestly, with love, for hours on end. Mike moved into Annette’s home 3 years ago and her son, moved out, under good terms, a few months later. The house is the same house her children grew up in. Worked for Annette as a project manager when she needed help after a few hurricanes. Diagnosed with type 2 Diabetes and peripheral neuropathy in April, 2017.

Ashley: 31 married to Evan 35 and as of 14 months ago, living in Annette’s house with her husband of 8 years. Annette and Mike had talked it over and decided that they would be welcomed into the house for 6-12 months while they found another place to live, after Ashley quit her job as an apartment manager. Ashley is rather moody and unbeknownst to Mike, harbored resentment towards her father, step father, any man in general and especially any man Annette chose to date. Decided to work in the family business and to seek to get her roofing contractor license eventually. Plans on taking over the business in the future.

Sean: 29 Lives with his girlfriend several miles away, works sporadically for Annette.

Katie: 25 “Mom, you KNOW how irresponsible I am, so why do you expect anything different”. Has been pregnant 5 times in 5 years, with 2 miscarriges, the last being in March of 2017. Has produced 3 children.

Lawrence: 38 Baby father of Katie’s 3 children and responsible for the other pregnancies. Current occupation, dealing drugs or credit card wire fraud. Has a co-dependent relationship with Katie. They fight constantly and then make up. They live together and then apart in cycles over the last 5 years.

Kaiden: 5 1/2 Bi racial child of Lawrence and Katie, grandchild of Annette. Eager learner, well behaved for a 5 year old, suffers from stuttering. Had severe anger management issues a year ago do to being emotionally and probably physically abuse by his parents.

Laila: 4 1/2 Bi racial child of Lawrence and Katie, grandchild of Annette. Suffers most likely from fetal alcohol syndrome as well as possible autism (still going through diagnosis) Has severe developmental issues and lacks good communication skills. Well behaved during the day, but typically gets up 1-6 times throughout the night and comes into parents room. Seems to have no recollection of her nighttime actions the next day.

Annabelle: 1 ½ Bi racial child of Lawrence and Katie, grandchild of Annette. Apparently a healthy, well developed child to this point.

In late February of 2017, Annette was willfully given Laila and Kaiden for an unspecified amount of time. This had happened the previous year for a period of 2 ½ months. During that time, very little contact from the parents. This time, Annabelle was an infant, and the family was facing eviction from their apartment. Mike and Annette witnessed filthy living conditions, poor nutrition, loud and abusive shouting between the parents as well as directed at Laila and Kaiden. Annette and Mike decided that the kids deserved a happy, loving, safe and healthy place to live and the parents seemed eager to give them to us. In late April, Annette petitioned the court for legal custody and the court granted the petition. The parents did not show, but had given a notarized letter to Annette approving her having custody in March. They were not present at the court hearing. Neither parent fully involved with the children, few telephone calls and fewer visits. Oftentimes parents make the commitment to take the kids and then fail to show. It is at the point where the kids are not told ahead of time that the parents may be taking them, so as not to disappoint or confuse the children.

Ashley event: In June of 2017, Ashley had been consorting with Lawrence’s brother, Mel (married) behind Evan’s back and had snuck him into the house at 1 am while Evan was working. Mel and Ashley were confronted by Annette in the bedroom. Evan is unaware of what happened and Annette demanded Ashley seek counseling or she would tell Ashley’s husband of the event. Ashley is involved with counseling.

Ashley / Mike relationship: Mike believed that he and Ashley were problem free and had a healthy relationship. He was under the impression that there were no issues. Ashley on two separate occasions, went into Mike’s facebook postings and selected any and all postings to female friends of his (many of whom were friends for 6-40 years), none of which were suggestive in any way. She presented this “evidence” of Mike’s “disrespect” to Annette and Annette found that there was nothing at all to be upset over. Mike was shocked and angered by her actions, but let it go quickly, with no long term resentment. No outward indications of continued issues with Ashley. 2016 timeframe

Sean / Mike relationship: Friendly with no indication of any underlying issues.

Katie / Mike relationship: Frosty. Mike resented what Katie’s daily drama’s was doing to Annette, and what her continued total irresponsibility had done to Kaiden and Laila. He had a difficult time in engaging her in pleasantries when she visited, and her visits were often loud and disruptive in the home. Oftentimes the children were not well behaved under her care in the home.

Event: Early in the morning of Dec 17? (2am) Laila, slammed the door open, waking the small dogs in Mike and Annette’s bedroom and proceeded to scream and cry. Annette, the usual person to deal with Laila, was so exhausted that after almost a minute of dogs barking and her screaming and crying, did not awaken. Mike then got up in order to allow Annette to sleep and escorted Laila, who was still crying and screaming, back to her bunk bed where Kaiden was sleeping above. Laila, continued to scream and cry and Mike, in a split second, pushed her down and told her to keep quiet and not wake her brother. The push, was with less force than when the two kids and Mike wrestled and played together but it was witnessed on a camera that usually alerted Ashley or Annette of Laila’s getting up. Mike went back to bed and then heard her screaming again. As he went back towards the kids rooms, he met Ashley in the hall who said that she would take care of her.

The next day, Ashley showed the video to Annette, who got very upset with Mike. Mike felt badly about getting awoken in pain and allowing himself to get frustrated to the point of shoving Laila down. Annette and Mike spoke for several hours and worked out how to deal with things like this in the future. Mike had never touched the kids in any rough way prior nor did Annette ever feel he would again. That morning, Laila and Kaiden came into Mike and Annette’s bedroom as usual, and Laila, said good morning in her usual happy way to Mike and showed no memory of the nights events. There were no bruises or physical indications of injury. Kaiden had no recollection of the event as he never woke up.

Ashley and Evan were not seen by Mike until later that evening and after Mike and Annette discussed what to do in the future and resolved the issue, it was suggested that Mike speak with Ashley, who was visibly upset. When Mike attempted to apologize for his behavior, he was verbally assaulted by both Ashley and Evan and not given a chance to apologize. When he got up to exit the room, he was violently shoved down by Evan. He then picked himself up, left the room, and Annette asked him to leave the house for the night. He did.

The next evening, Ashley berated her mother loudly, for her choice of men in her life, and a number of other things that Mike heard through a door in another room. It was loud enough to be heard through a couple of doors. She said that Mike was a loser and that he’s a lousy parent and would never be a good parent. She said that Annette made bad choices in her marriages and a number of other things. Annette was overwhelmed and did not put up much resistance to Ashley’s verbal assault.

Annette suggested that Mike go to California for Christmas in order to allow Ashley to “heal” and let things cool off. Three days later he flew to California where he awaited word when Annette felt it was a good time to come back. For three weeks he was in CA, facing the prospects of losing his job, his family, and his wife over that incident. He had written a letter to Ashley demanding that the anger cease prior to leaving, and reminding her that she was not as pure as she acted. The letter also included an apology. It was not well received. After 3 weeks, Mike made the decision to come back to Florida, but had no home and no job to come back to. Annette said that she still loved him dearly, but there needed to be peace in the house. Annette knew and admitted that she and Mike were good, the kids and Mike were good and that our family unit was good, but there would be disharmony in the house if I were allowed back in or even seen in the house by the kids or by Ashley and Evan. Annette made the decision to let Ashley “heal” with no deadline or timeframe. She has hopes that she will. Ashley, made it clear in a letter to Mike that she has no intentions to heal any time soon, and apparently is under no pressure to do so. She is happy with the fact that Mike is gone and it would be counter to her interests to accept an apology.

Ashley and Katie have both manipulated Annette for years with guilt and in this case, used her “hurt” to manipulate Annette into having to make a choice between her daughter and her husband. She choose her daughter at the expense of Annette’s happiness, and probable destruction of her relationship, and at the expense of the kids losing a father figure and at the expense of Mike. Because of guilt over the younger children, she has made them the top priority over all else in her life, and then Ashley above herself and Mike.

A counselor that is Christian based has been involved in this (the counselor that Kaiden, Annette and Ashley had all been seeing for 6 months). He refused to speak with Mike and made the statement that the marriage was not under the eyes of God and as such, he was not really Annette’s husband. (Annette and Mike had not gotten married because if she did prior to the age of 60, she would lose her deceased husbands social security survivor benefits and the piece of paper between them was not important enough to warrant that loss). The counselor also said that it was almost impossible for a man with zero parenting skills, at the age of 58, would ever be a good parent. All of this was said without allowing Mike to even speak with him privately or with Annette. It was his counsel then, to send Mike out of the house “until” Ashley “healed” and said that it was unlikely that Annette’s relationship would survive, but it was more important for the kids to have peace and harmony in the house. Annette is hurting terribly, and is under so much pressure that she is willing to lose Mike because she has little to no time for him in the course of a day or a week. She feels deep sadness and remorse for firing him, refusing to let him see the kids, making him move out (she hired movers rather than let Mike move his property out) and for the probable loss of her best friend and soulmate. Mike is devastated and is fighting to try and convince Annette that the issue at this point is not about that event, but instead, Ashley’s longstanding issues towards men and her focus on me for all of her anger. Ashley merely needed to acknowledge and accept Mike’s apology and act as an adult and let the anger go, but instead she refuses to do so, refuses to “heal” and is under no pressure at all to do so. The counselor, when asked by Annette how long this process should be allowed to take, said “Until…” with a completely open timeline. He did not care how it affected Annette, only that Mike be out of the house and that the kids would not face disharmony. Ashley, other than claiming to “hurt because her mother hurts”, has shown zero remorse or “hurt” and acts exactly as she has done prior to the events of 5 weeks ago. She sent a hate filled sanctimonious letter to Mike after he begged her to accept and apology, for the sake of her mother’s wants, needs and desires, and for the sake of the kids.

So this is where we stand. I have been living in a hotel since returning to Florida, and have seen Annette one early afternoon for several hours and we enjoyed ourselves like we always did in the past. I have been to the house on several occasions but never when the children were home. Annette does not want to confuse them with my presence and my moving out. I was there briefly when Ashley was there, greeted her warmly with a good morning, and in tern was greeted with pure hate. Ashley had promised her mom that she had no problem with her seeing me (as long as it was on Ashley’s terms and I was out of the house) and that she would babysit whenever asked to. Ashley rarely babysat when I was there so expecting her to keep her word is a huge stretch, and so far, my predictions are correct. Our relationship has been deeply damaged as I feel that I was completely tossed under the bus and am disposable in order to have “peace” in the house, yet only Annette and I have suffered deeply and Ashley has gotten exactly what she has wanted. I feel that in a marriage, the husband and wife make each other the top priority in order to have a strong foundation on which to build a family. Annette feels that she must sacrifice herself, her wants, needs, desires, marriage and those of mine, for the children. Annette and I had worked out the idea that I would engage with the kids more often and that I would get counseling on being a better parent, but now that I am persona non grata around the house, those plans that we made within hours of the initial event are impossible for me to fulfill. We had very little time to ourselves on a daily basis between work and the kids and with me not there, she has more responsibility and barely crumbs for us. She hopes that we will come out of this stronger, but puts no pressure or demands on Ashley to grow up or move out and take her issues else ware if she can’t act mature and not angry with me in the house.

Annette has said repeatedly that I’ve bent over backwards to do everything possible to be a better parent, and to resolve any and all issues and that I can and should do nothing further at this point other than accept things for what they are, and that we try and find happiness when we can. She just wants “peace” and yet realizes that I am not the problem, just the most expendable, relying on my unconditional love for her to somehow survive almost no time together in hopes of things getting better in the future so that we may resume our marriage. I tried to explain to her that when the pain of change is less than the pain of continuing the same behavior, only then will a person change and that Ashley is not suffering ANY pain so therefore the likelihood of her “healing” is almost nil. Annette has willfully given her future, our relationship and the kids opportunity to have a good father figure in their lives to someone who is an emotional wreck and trusts that things will eventually turn out fine. Obviously, I disagree. I don’t want to lose my wife or my kids and actually, I see that caving to Ashley’s sanctimonious self righteous selfishness doesn’t help her be a better, healthier person in the long term and instead just emboldens her further in her manipulating Annette.