Strange Holiday Dynamics
Does anyone else have a similar holiday dynamic going on between stepkids and DH?
My SS, who is in his 30's, has always been resentful of DH and my relationship (married 17 years) and even the fact that we have dogs, I think. Since I have no biological children, I have always had at least one dog, and as many as three, as companions. He has made comments that DH likes our dogs more than he loves SS. SS basically ignores his father for months on end, only accepting contact from DH on his own (SS's) birthday and for Christmas and Thanksgiving. My DH sends texts and leaves voice messages to SS throughout the year, which SS generally ignores.
There have been 2-3 years where DH doesn't try to contact SS, due to being ignored. When that happens, SD calls and texts DH to ask if he has contacted SS. She inserts herself and tries to force contact between DH and SS. This happens before Thanksgiving and Christmas. Otherwise it is possible they would both go about their lives. SS has a SO who has been very rude and insulting to DH, because SS has blamed his problems (lack of employment, laziness, depression, lack of motivation) on DH. I was there years ago; I saw how SS was as a teen, and DH tried to get him help to no avail.
So SD invariably interferes enough with SS and DH around the holidays that SS comes to our house for holiday meals and a gift exchange. It usually ends on a depressing note, because it is implied that DH and I don't do enough for SS.
I have told DH to just let SS initiate contact with DH when he is ready, on his own, not using SD as a crutch to do it. But DH seems to fall for SD's requests, and it isn't healthy.
Quite honestly your DH should
Quite honestly your DH should tell his son "You're an adult-time to start acting like it. i'm not responsible for your short comings."
And tell SD to mind her business.
I have had a shit childhood/teenage life but you won't ever see me blaming my parents because of my actions as an adult.
I'm going to tell him this
I'm going to tell him this when he gets home later today. I think he is as fed up as I am of having SD pulling all of our puppet strings to manipulate us into a holiday that works for her and no one else!
I had just joined this forum yesterday, when I posted about my SD's Christmas gift antics, and DH stopped trying to gaslight me about her intentions when I shared some other step parents' responses to that post. It is amazing how this forum helps me not feel so isolated and manipulated.
This is an age old game Skids
This is an age old game Skids play when they are jealous and insecure; it does not go away unless daddeee can man up. And, good luck with that one too--because most of these men morph into jello to hear dadddeeee drawn out into 9 syllables, and refuse to make their kids act reasonably to anybody.
I understand these are your
I understand these are your husband's kids but they are also adults and need to be treated as such.
SS is not a child and SD is not his mother. The contact between your DH and SS is none of her business and your DH should tell her so. He is still her father and does not need her as a go-between, she needs to respect that. I would never dream of telling my dad how he should conduct his relationships with any of my siblings. I'm not his mother, I'm not his wife.
Your SS is in his 30's, time for HIM to do something for himself, instead of expecting you and your DH to.
My DH goes through this crap with his daughter (25), with her trying to put a guilt trip on him. Haha, good luck with that, his mother was the queen of guilt trips and he is pretty much immune, in fact, it just pisses him off. He has TRIED to put her on the track of making her life better (we both have) and she would rather take the easy, lazy way out. Not our fault she has nothing.
She pissed him off so bad the other night, he almost told her to never call him again. He really doesn't need an ungrateful, angry, resentful woman treating him like crap and making him feel like dirt, even if it's his own daughter.