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Stories of Hope

CandyLou's picture

Submitted by CandyLou on Tue, 02/15/2011 - 9:32pm

Forums: 
Adult Stepchildren

Hi everyone - I've been reflecting on my situation and wondering what it is I need in being a part of this forum. For me, I really do want to work on my relationship with my partner. I have been divorced once and I really do believe I have found a really great man. So what I am hoping is to hear from others about whether you have stories of success. I'm not looking for "happily ever after" but more stories of how you have worked with step-issues in a way that has led to a more peaceful and happy life. It seems a common theme is detaching, I would like to know how to actually do that. My main goal is to have a good relationship with my partner despite the pain and exclusion I feel about his children. So long as my partner is working towards us having a good relationship too I think that will help and right now he seems very committed in doing that.

So from anyone who can share anything that will help me get through this difficult period I would really love to hear your words of wisdom. I'm seeing a counsellor and that has been helping, it's just that some days are more difficult than others. I feel scared of getting hurt. But I also know realistically if I leave this relationship there is a good chance my next partner will have children and I will have to start all over. I want to resolve these issues within my current relationship.

I read statistics that 70% of second marriages end in divorce BUT, of the marriages that do stay together, these marriages have a higher chance of success than first marriages because the couple has had to work through some really difficult stuff and have come out the other side in a very solid way. How do I get there???

Thanks guys.

greengold423's picture

Submitted by greengold423 on Tue, 02/15/2011 - 10:07pm

I'm working on the same thing. We've had to do some marriage counseling and to some degree, it helped. One thing our counselor told us in our first meeting is "Take divorce off the table right now." It's no longer an option. Decide that you will find a way to work it out, no matter what. Does your counselor have experience working with blended families? Already, you have made important decisions. You know he's the right one for you and that you will work hard to keep the marriage together. I know what you means about "the pain and exclusion I feel about his children." I sometimes think my DH's kids despise me. Sometimes I think the in-laws do too. I also struggle with him putting them first, before me. That's not what I was raised to believe within a marriage. I was taught that the wife is supposed to come first. I've dreamt of running away from the whole situation. But the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I know I have a good guy. I'm going to stick with it and if anything, outlast the kids. Someday soon, they'll go on with their own lives.

CandyLou's picture

Submitted by CandyLou on Tue, 02/15/2011 - 10:37pm

Thank you greengold for you reply. We sound similar, having been in counselling, etc. I really believe that no matter what, the stepmother always struggles. I'm not married, but still feel like I am in that role. Have you read Stepmonster? It was a good read and validated what we go through, the author herself is a stepmother.

Yes my counsellor works with blended families and is one herself so I find her very helpful. She suggested that my partner just continue to ask the kids to do things and apart from that, don't let them ruin our relationship.

I like what your counsellor said, "take divorce off the table right now" I think if we did leave our relationships it would give the kids great satisfaction. My partner is fantastic with my kids (15 & 13) and I am grateful for that so at least one side is working.

I just find it sad that just by the nature of us being a SM we are put into a situation where we are instantly disliked. Very sad indeed.

In what ways does he put his kids first?

Thanks for your words of hope.

momof5_1969's picture

Submitted by momof5_1969 on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 12:53am

I'm glad you put this post because I was getting very discouraged. I find many of these posts very helpful because it helps me know I'm not alone, but I also felt very discouraged in thinking this is never going to get any better.

I want some hope too. I have a good husband who loves me very much too -- I guess I need to get it out of my head too that divorce is off the table. I hadn't thought divorce, just separation until the kids had moved out, or at least the 21 year old monster (SD) that he let move back in.

I'm thinking after reading your two posts that maybe counseling for us might be a good idea. I also need advice on how to disengage too -- I am on anti-depressants and take xanax for anxiety when needed. I don't have to take it at all when I'm not home, such as when I go on a vacation away from the kids or like now when I'm housesitting for a friend. I just wish that this calm feeling could continue even when I'm home.

Three of his kids live with us full-time with no contact from the BM. There is a full restraining order that prevents her from having contact with them, except the oldest daughter (21 year old) who has contact with her mother even though she is not supposed to. I'm sure that it messes with her mind because BM has bipolar undiagnosed and untreated. Long, sordid, horrible story.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.