I'm not sure what the problem exactly is with the wedding. Is it the thought of attending with all the drama makers? If so, I would just ignore them and enjoy the day (drink a little bubbly:). Weddings have so many people that you can generally steer clear of the drama queens. I know, I did this at my SDs small wedding, it can be done believe it or not. It's much harder at a graduation where you have to talk to the small family that comes to see the graduation. At a wedding there are many distractions between you and the BM, skids.

Is there a problem w/finances or is it that Dh is being asked to do too much in terms of planning?

I can relate to this, save for the fact that my stepkids mother has passed on and is relegated to sainthood, which just leaves all the day to day dealing with their constant BS to us sinners. My SD24 is about to have the Wedding of the Century (to her) and we have gone above and beyond to help her, paying for the hall and half of her very expensive (and gaudy) dress, only to be dissed and treated with the utmost disrespect from her in ways too lengthy to catalogue here. My advice is to follow what one of the previous commentors posted; leave the wedding to the SD. If she's old enough to get married, or feels she is, then she's old enough to pay for it herself or find an alternate way. Neither you nor your DH should have to pay for a thing when you are both being treated with disrespect or being used/unappreciated. I understand setting boundaries can be hard but it is a necessity in blended families or you will continue to be walked on and strained to the limit, like I have been. It's hard to enforce the boundary setting at first but once you do, you feel better and better, even though there is a mourning period for those lost ideals (which I am currently going through). Best of luck with this, I truly do feel your pain!

I agree with any moments, both you and he need to come to an agreement on how much you can afford to contribute to this wedding and then tell SD that's it. This is how much we can afford. End of story.

It intrigues me in this day and age that the father is still supposed to pay for the wedding. This idea came about in times when women didn't work, they were a burden on the men as men had to fully support her all her life, so daddy was more than happy to pass on the burden to someone else, and along with throwing the wedding went the 2000 cows etc., These days women are no longer necessarily a burden on their husbands, they are able to work, they are able to contribute to the family finances, they are educated and employable and often earn more than the man they marry, so daddy has no need to pay someone to take her off his hands. In fact perhaps it's time things turned around to were the future husband should be paying daddy to take this money earning daughter off his hands, as the new husband is going to get all the benefits of the education her daddy paid for.

SD and her fiance' should pay for their own wedding, and if parents, inlaws etc., wish to contribute that should be seen as a privellage, not a right.

Yasadora-sorry for your troubles. Is your DH a guilty Dad usually? I agree with previous posters to just tell SD the dollar amount you can contribute and let her decide what to do with it. If she is anything other than grateful for the assistance then shame on her. It is too bad that what is supposed to be a joining of two lives to make a (legally bound) union has turned into just another ritual of excess spending.

Sounds like time to get your tough skin ready and perfect the art of disengagement to survive this. I dread it myself, hope to offer $ for the new couple to elope when it is our turn!!! But we'll see about that. I could never suggest it. Anything I suggest is shot down and torn apart by especially one of my SDs.

Wishing you the best!

More and more couples are paying their own way.

The brides parent(s) paying was simply a tranfer away from paying a dowery. Dad explains that telling the girl she is not so much of a burden that he needs to pay to get rid of her.

If the girls doesn't understand well that's the way of todays world. She needs to get with it.

Elope - go to the courthouse - etc etc.

I know these adult step kids feel entitled to absolutely everything that daddy has. I know they think that his second wife is nothing now, and never will be anything, and that when daddy dies, every single thing he and his second wife every worked hard for will all be theirs, if second wife has children, well so what, they mean nothing either and all the assets will go to daddy's precious children. However, after years of seeing this first hand, I still don't get it. Sure, they are brought up to be "special" they are taught that the world is their oyster, mummy and daddy believe they can do no wrong, and if a teacher or a policeman or any other human being dare to say they have, daddy and mummy will defend them to the hilt. Now, this kind of upbringing reaps adults with a distorted view of reality. However, I don't get how they go out to work, they see how other people behave, they certainly get a knock to the head when a new wife comes into the picture and says, hey! don't pull that crap with me. So why don't they ever catch on that their behaviour is not normal and is in fact obnoxious. When boyfriends, fiances, employers, step parents say, okay that's enough I'm done with you, how is it they never stop and think that "they" have an attitude, how can they think time after time that it is everyone else's fault. How can they possibly believe when they are 30 and upwards that they are never wrong.

More importantly why can't daddy see that no matter how much he gives it will never be enough. My husband's ex wife it appears was very similar to the daughter she raised. Seems she only saw her father once a fortnight on pension day and she always came away with money. This old man lived in Government Housing, had nothing and yet she put out her hand to take part of his pension every fortnight. Apparently her mother had left her father when she was 3. Despite the mother trying to contact her on numerous occassions, this woman would have nothing to do with her. When the mother died she received a letter from a solicitor which she ignored, as she was not going to pay one dollar to bury her mother. Long story short, 12 months later she finds out that the mother had left her $20K, which she accepted. Maybe this is in the DNA and the upbringing just enhances it. My DH cannot see the similarities between his ex and his daughter but the rest of the family sure can.