1)…Im on the fence here about the corsage. Not sure I would expect that.
2) … Oh hell naw! Why did your DH not have you sit with him. Spineless wimp.
3)… Meh, I don’t care about being ignored by people that I don’t really know.
4)…Again…where the heck was your DH? He should have called you down himself for a photo. It would not have killed anyone to have a photo taken with the brides dad and wife.
5)…OMG! You have got to be kidding. Now that was uncalled for, for sure. And again…your DH should have never allowed this to happen. He should have pulled up a chair and plopped you down in it.
6)…It sounds like your DH treated you like you did not exist.

People learn how to treat other people. It sounds like you have more of a DH problem than a SD problem. Your DH allowed you to be treated that way. UGH, I cannot even imagine my DH allowing that to happen.

I don’t think I would require a face to face with the SD. Not sure if you were treated like this on purpose but I also know that planning a wedding can be hell and so much stuff gets overlooked. Maybe she did not mean to ignore you and maybe she was not the one that planned all of this. Your DH should have been the one to make sure you were included.

I think I would have just told DH that I did not want to have dinner with him since he treated you so bad at the wedding.

I would not block them. I would just unfollow and live your life. And I would make sure not one RED cent of MY money goes to any of his kids.

One thing you must remember when you draw up your list of all the horrible things/ways you were treated to at SD's wedding. YOUR PARTNER. He paid for all this, he could have put a stop to it at any point...he chose not to.

He enabled, actually by funding without some input, encouraged the ill treatment you received. Would you like to know just how much of a financed by Daddy wedding my stepkid would have got if she/he planned in treating anyone, alone me, the way your SD treated you? Not a dime. Pay for your own wedding, Princess.

You are in a 'not going to win this one' as long as the grown *ss monsters father continues to support and enable this behavior and treatment.

Don't go to the dinner *shrugs*, the skids don't want you there to begin with. Or go and be miserable. Your choice. Just know that the skids will manage to use the upcoming dinner as 'see, Daddy, she's just evil, we tried and she shut us down'.

You'll be getting an earful of nasty from your Dh on how 'you don't like my kids, they try and they try with you and won't try with them and give them a second chance, you're trying to keep me form my grandchild too by rejecting the birthday party invite'.

I've got no advice for you, as you've been at this for years and the games just keep going because YOUR PARTNER ALLOWS IT. And you fail to put the cause and blame where it goes. These adult children are only doing what their father , one way or the other, puts his seal of approval on.

Yes, block and unfriend them on social media. But you can't block and unfriend your husband.

:jawdrop: seriously - you are angry because you where not treated like BM... I'm sorry but you are wrong here, you are not her mother and you can not sit at the top table, and you can not get anything meant for parents.

Your husband was wrong ditching you at the reception, he should've told them before hand he has no interest in sitting at the top table, he will be sitting with you. This is on your husband and not the SD.

I would simply go to dinner, no need to become best buddies afterwards, SD is trying, you are not giving her a change, yes they do not deserve it, but we are mature ladies, see it as the same as going to dinner with the office people and not liking them.

You seriously are placing the blame on the wrong person here.
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I agree.

I simply would block and un-follow anyone who treats me like this. Also, would not give them the time if day and not waste money on presents for their spawn, nor would I go out to dinner with the daughter. I would have a chat with my DH and set down ground rules on how I expect to be treated, at least as a person, and ask for his support on this. How would he like it if the same thing happened to him, right?

If my DH allowed me to sit at a different table, and sit in the back at the ceremony, I would of said something to him right then and there, and trust me I've had to. After 11 years your partner should of made some kind of effort to include you in a photo too. No man should sit back and allow his longtime partner to sit at a different table at a wedding.

Can tell you very similar things happened to me at skid weddings: from sitting in the back at the ceremony while my DH was made to sit with a photo of late ex-wife and stuffed doll made from late ex-wife's clothes - seriously, to not being invited, to being completely ignored and not allowed in pictures or rehearsals, and given an ice cold meal 1/2 hour after everyone else finished eating.

I think many of us and our DH's go to these skid events not expecting this treatment, and bingo the disrespect begins. After rounds and rounds of this bs, a lightbulb went on and I just don't go to these skid events anymore. DH can go, but not me. Even after DH lectured all skids that he would not allow the disrespect to continue, it doesn't stick. The skids are still as nasty as ever and I don't care, nor does DH. DH doesn't deal with skids anymore unless he absolutely has to. The skids are adults. They know exactly what they are doing. I don't have to sit back and put myself in a position where I am treated like dirt, and the man I am married to better have enough kahunas to not just sit back and allow his spouse to be treated like a leper.

I understand why you are upset BUT are you just as upset with your SO? Because he allowed all of this.

My SD26 is not the brightest nor the most mature, and I'm probably not her favorite person, but she damn sure knows better than to pull crap like this. My husband would never allow it and she knows it.

Your step daughter knew she could get away with such rudeness...and that is on your SO.

You have been with him for 11 years and said you have had a decent relationship with her, why do you think you were seated in the back and treated like you didn't exist?

Why do you think your SO didn't care where you were sitting?

I get it that you are hurt; you would expect that after 11 years of partnership that sitting next to your SO and having some inclusion would have been appropriate. Especially because you feel you have not been reciprocated for efforts you have made towards them in the past.

You need to decide where you want this relationship with your partner to go in the future. If he has remorse for this situation, then I would recommend trying to patch things up with his DD. Even if you feel it is not sincere, you show good faith to your partner and then you can scale back your unreciprocated efforts in the future.

But if you are going to have trouble moving past the anger (this is not a criticism - many of us are in that spot) or if your partner is not understanding of your feelings, you probably need to rethink this relationship.

I will say that if you sit down with his DD and list the things individually you feel snubbed for, it is not going to be well received (as evidenced by the explosion of posts that popped up here in a hour). But if you say you weren't aware of details of the wedding plans, and that you were hurt and surprised there wasn't a small amount of inclusion - at least being able to sit by your partner - you might get more understanding.

Maybe I should have just got up, kept walking, gone back to the hotel room, got changed and left, I think that would have been a better option
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Oh I so wished you would have done this. There is no doubt that you were blatantly pushed aside at the wedding. And I would be extremely angry also. I see now that DH sees his part in this mess. I think I would just tell him that you don’t want to deal with people who think so little of you.

And again… make sure that none of YOUR money goes to any of those little turds.

You have the same kind of wimp husband that I have, unfortunately. I got some great advise here on ST when I first signed in, "You have to protect yourself." Nobody will do it for you and that includes your doormat DH, and you have to accept reality, you are odd man out--most of the time these men do not change so.... move on, block all, accept he is who he is and will never change and create your own happiness without people in your life who do not like you; you can do better with your time and emotion.

But, remove yourself from every single thing regarding them...they no longer exist in YOUR life....you get it, and thank them for being clear to you about it. No more time, money and resources wasted. The sooner they let you know this, the better...:-).

It is not a perfect solution, but the best one for women who live with perfectly sculptured doormat daddeeees.

Stay on ST, and keep reading....we are far from alone....

Forget about the f***ing wedding. No use in arguing (especially with total strangers here) about what should have been done.

Net result - you do not want these people in your life. So just put them all on ignore and block them every way you can. And then go live your life without their intrusions. You are an adult - you get to choose who you associate with or not.

I have totally erased my ss32, his GF, and their child from my life. DH is free to see them, but just not with me. I do not badmouth them to DH nor do I spend time justifying my actions. It is just a fact that I live my life without them. It's great!

Pay absolutely no attention to what these people that you are going to have absolutely nothing to do with say or think about you. It doesn't matter. My SS and the babymama think I am a horrible and selfish bitch. Yawn. It so does not affect me one bit.

A polite "no thank you" to the dinner invitation is all that is needed.

Ignore the whore - SM mantra.

Pretty much exact same way MSD treated me at her wedding. But here's the difference.

I knew I wouldn't sit on the first few rows so I brought my daughter with me to the wedding as my +1 since DH was in the bridal party walking her down the aisle. This helped me avoid sitting alone instead I was a regular guest.

DH was included in bridal pictures I was not. Dh wanted pictures with me so he grabbed the photographer and had her take pictures of just me and him. It was a nice gesture and of course MSD never gave us a copy of the picture.

During reception DH made the choice not to sit with the wedding party. When the bridal party came in after pictures he went directly to me and sat with me. No alcohol was allowed at the reception except a bottle of champagne for the bridal party to toast with. DH wasn't with the bridal party but MSD brought it to him. He prompted handed it to me. He hates champagne.

While SD was wrong for the way she treated you your DH is also to blame too. He made the choice how to respond to her behavior. After my SD's wedding she ramped up her behavior and even uninvited me to their Christmas get together. DH's response was not to go. After him refusing to go to enough stuff she has started to calm down and pretend to be friends now. I am not openingly hostile but I am also not overly friend. I treat her just like I would any friend of DH's I'm not crazy to visit. I go to dinner when invited and I will even go to her baby shower but I am not tripping over myself trying to make her happy and win her approval. My focus is on DH and being a partner to him.

Odd that your story is unbelievably close to soccermom. Almost exact except you have been with your SO for 11 years rather than 3 months. So I repeat: It is your SO, not the SD that you have issues with. If he has apologized to you for his tacky and disrespectful behavior to you at the wedding then let it go. If you can not get beyond the hurt his actions, or lack of, caused maybe you should rethink this relationship. If you do not like SD, don't go out to dinner with her.

I also would suggest you go for counseling because you don't seem to be getting it that it was your DH rather than your SD. I will also repeat: If my DH did not come to sit with me after he gave the bride away and at the reception I would quietly walk out of the wedding and leave him a note of where I was if he wanted to apologize and go home.

I am sorry you were treated this way. I personally feel if adhering strictly to proper etiquette will be disrespectful or unkind to someone (lots of etiquette was established before step families became more common), then then it's not such proper etiquette after all. It was rude and disrespectful of your SD to expect you and your partner to NOT sit together. It was even more rude and disrespectful of your SO to not have explained that to his daughter and that he will sit with you, his partner. Of course his explanation to her should probably wait until after the wedding is over unless his daughter were to raise a stink about a grown man sitting together with his partner.

General William Tecumseh Sherman, coined the phrase "War is hell," Sherman was renowned as a fierce-some would say tyrannical-military leader, and in September 1864 he gave orders for the city of Atlanta to be evacuated and burned.

Being a SM is hell too. I think we all could learn something from General Sherman. Etiquette and Wedding don't belong in the same sentence for SMs any more than Etiquette and War do. There is no such thing, so, please, don't even try to act like there is any kind of etiquette re: treating SM like a non-existent being at weddings. Usually, neither DH nor SM has any clue what is coming their way. They are just both going to the wedding expecting to be treated like a married couple because they are a married couple (or long-term SOs). There is no brochure out there for neglected dads or SMs entitled, "You Will Get Screwed at Weddings and Other Family Events." Maybe there should be? I agree, it cannot be helped if adult SKs accidentally on purpose forget that SM exists. Is DH supposed to just get up and move at the beginning of the ceremony and/or reception, maybe even doing a soft-shoe dance on his way to the back of the church to sit with his wife or SO of 10+ years? Perhaps? Some seem to imply this should have been done.

What SM can do, however, is control her own and future actions. If adult SKs can accidentally on purpose forget you exist, then you can do the same. DH may have an obligation, but you do not. I told my DH there was no way in hell I was going to go to SS's wedding after what went down at SD's wedding, and it was entirely my right to do so. DH chose not to go to his SS's wedding, mainly because he didn't want to fly to a Caribbean country on his own (it was a destination wedding), and he didn't want to have to contend with being his ex's or kids sole lackey either.

Borrow a few pages from General Sherman's playbook, not to be mean or out for revenge, but because being a SM is hell, and you are sick and tired of playing nicey-nicey games with adult SKs. You thought they accepted you and everything was fine. Now you know otherwise.

See. . . . Being a SM is hell. And, we are all married to spineless partners. DH is a douche-bag and SM is douche-bag's ho. Adult SKs and BM can do whatever they want and it is all DH's doing, even if DH had absolutely no clue what was coming. I'll write that on a post-it note and stick it on the bathroom mirror. It may make me feel empowered.

Screw everyone and do what works for you, because no matter what you do, I guarantee you every time there will be someone--a counselor, friend, co-worker, a minister, another SM even--telling you it is wrong. Sayonara.

Here's how it works with genders REVERSED:

At my bio son's wedding (Chef and I have been together at the time almost 12 yrs--not married)

1: Not given corsage (Chef got a boutonniere)
2: Sat at the back in the ceremony (Chef was in the ceremony--walked me down aisle)
3: Alienated by her and partner's boys (nope--Chef included in all ceremonies/festivities)
4: Not called down for photos (Chef in all applicable photos)
5: Sat on a different table (not on the top table with my partner) with my back towards the top table (nope--Chef sat with me near the bridal party's table)
6: Treated like I did not exist (Chef included in everything)

It's good to be a stepDAD and not a stepMOM

I love this "well you're not married blah blah blah"
I beg to differ.

Would one say the same if this was BEFORE gay marriage was officially sanctioned and a gay couple, as a domestic partnership of 11 years, was a relation in the pending marriage? I think not. JMO.

This is what I would have done after noticing the first slight at the wedding -- being intentionally(?) seated in the back. I would have gracefully left the wedding and taken a cab. When your SO noticed you were not seated with him, and then did nothing (I'm assuming he didn't ask you to sit by him).... its seems to me you have a SO problem and not a SD problem.

And please, lose the exclamation points and the xxx's. Overuse of them leads me to believe you are somewhat dramatic.

Welcome to Stepptalk!

Wedding is over. They (SD and SS who moved you)showed you that you don't have the relationship you thought you did.

You now have to understand that what you do next sets the status of the rest of the relationship with your partner. If you cut all contact, will your partnership survive? If they invite you and you don't go, will he see you as the unreasonable one? After all, he'll say they are trying.

In my case, after almost 20 years, they still don't consider me a relative. My thing is that if invited I go with DH. They do invite both of us as DH won't go without me. I don't buy gifts. Gifts are only from DH. I don't have to worry about holidays and vacations. They have told us they only do holidays with relatives (father's don't count apparently). No vacations as DH can't afford to treat.
Once or twice a year they will show up on a weekend afternoon. If they are here around mealtime DH goes for take out. I don't cook for them anymore.

It took DH a few years to see what they do. He's the parent, the dad. Parents try hard, very hard, not to see their child's flaws and tend to let things slide until they can't. But, once he caught on, he never put his blinders on again. And at his worst, he would never have sat separately from me at the wedding.

As to the timing of the dinner. If it's only been a month since the wedding it's not a long time. Wedding, two week honeymoon, back to work, writing thank yous, etc. Not a long time by my thought. Not a long time to see all parents. Although your partner is probably last on the list, someone has to be so it's not worth getting upset about.

I'd go to the dinner, smile, and not say much. I'd be polite and no more. I'd go because my DH would want me with him and won't go without me.

I did my time with crap-acting SDs, and my DH would try to placate everyone. It doesn't work that way. I disengaged completely when YSD was 16 and DH just about had a heart attack being upset. But he also knew how much I did for his kids and saw how they treated me and he didn't blame me.

I wasn't mean or dramatic- just told him I wasn't going to be put in situations where I'm disrespected anymore. I told him that I know he can't control how his near-adult kids act, but he sure as hell CAN control the level of support he gives me. If he wanted me to be part of the action, he needed to be by my side, period. Otherwise, he visited alone because there were 100 things I could've been doing that were more enjoyable.

I can't picture myself in that wedding scenario you described because I would have told DH we sit together if he didn't make the move himself. If my DH hemmed and hawed, I'd walk out. I'd go get a drink, a massage, and either renew my disengagement- or contemplate divorcing a guy who doesn't see respecting his wife a priority.

'Etiquette' is simply graciously doing what it takes to make people feel included- NOT a weapon or an excuse to be shitty to others. The concept is as fluid as it needs to be. I would only go to this dinner if DH understands what he did wrong at the wedding and promises to have your back. Otherwise, why bother?

"You now have to understand that what you do next sets the status of the rest of the relationship with your partner. If you cut all contact, will your partnership survive? If they invite you and you don't go, will he see you as the unreasonable one? After all, he'll say they are trying."

That is utter bullsh*t. If the survival of my partnership/marriage is dependent on my accepting adults in my life that make my life hell - then I have the wrong partner.

I do have a spine. If my DH thinks I am being unreasonable, and that they are trying - well he's welcome to that opinion. Does not change my actions one bit. He can just live with that - or not. I refuse to bow to aholes.

So does my DH - enough that he ignores skid attempts to berate me into "behaving" - i.e. giving them access to my assets.

savvy, i feel very sorry for you. step mothers get every thing as an after thought. you will feel much better when you disengage fully.

i agree that as the partner of one of the wedding party you should have been given a corsage and a place of honor and not treated like an unwelcome guest espcailly after 11 years..

in my skids wedding all the main guests were given colorful gift bags with stenciled names on them. my bag simply had a smile face. and no i dont have a wierd name or too long or one that is hard to spell. the bride and groom did not take the time to even stencil my name on.

i agree that your dh was part of the problem. when he saw the low status you got he should immediately have said and done something to correct it.

my dh might be a spine less wimp in many ways but at least he insisted i be given a place of honor at the marriage of one of his children.

Your husbands loyalty is to his wife first.

He missed the mark on this one.

JMO

Let them spend money on you! Order a large steak and a few glasses of wine. You deserve it.

Oh my. Your partner throws things at you?

I was just reading comments you wrote in an older post of someone else's .

https://www.steptalk.org/node/186451#comment-2042695

If I managed to link that correctly, it should start where you came in and continue down.

I'm going to sprinkle some fairydust here- you're not very savvy, SavvyKim.

Glad it helped- I was married to a basically decent man who would fly off into unpredictable rages for no reason. I stood it for a long time before I'd had enough. Now I'm with a man who is completely the opposite but can't stand up to his kids. You need to put yourself first and raise your self-esteem. It isn't all about the money either- it is never really about the money.

i'll be honest I did not read all of the comments - but I will tell you that the same thing happened to me recently with my BF's daughter. we have only dated a little over a year though. doesn't matter though - it's an issue of respect, character and proper etiquette. you don't treat the father of the bride's date (be she a wife, long term gf, etc.) like a stranger. you treat her like a family member because she was invited and wanted there by the father. she is his date, and did not come by herself.

BUT, my bf did finally speak up for me to his daughter and "get it" a few weeks afterwards and now she is barely speaking to him. I thought they were again but we had a dinner for his dad (her gpa) and bf invited her. she never responded to him and showed up and didn't speak to him. I guess he didn't say anything either to her about her behavior. she is mad now because she said she heard from a few people there that we were in the bathroom together. oh no! the horror!!! haha I had been crying and he was in there with me while I was reapplying my makeup and I guess it was assumed we were having sex. you know cause that's what you do at your daughter's wedding. geeez! I'm offended she would even think that and so is her dad. she told him he was rude and disrespectful. turned the tables on him. what a little brat! needless to say, I did not go to the dinner - don't like to be around people that ignore me. my choice. she actually called her gpa during to see if her dad was there and came anyway. maybe since I wasn't there, it was ok. I don't know really.

AND what I was getting at was - there will never be an apology from her to either one of us I'm sure but he will forgive her and go on like nothing when she finally comes around and I will be expected to also I'm sure. sometimes you just have to let it go I guess. some people will just never grow up and are selfish nasty people. you have to be the bigger person or you can avoid her I guess. your choice. not letting it go though will only affect you, not her. maybe just give it some time. maybe she will see how rude she was. good luck. I know how you feel. believe me.

so how's it going? anything changed?

This is odd- because Savvy posted about the meeting- saying it was basically a set up to get her to agree with SD and her friend having her holiday villa for a week. There were a lot of responses so I'm very puzzled why they have disappeared. Odd things happening on this site recently...!

I understand what you mean about 'moving on' however my situation is ongoing and long term, similar to many others. I feel I still need support whilst I have taken on board advice given, mainly regarding disengagement. I find it frustrating when people seeking advice don't seem to want to take it, but I know that is part of the process of self-realisation, it takes time.
When that trust is gone, though, it often doesn't come back.

Savvy when will you really be done? A few weeks ago you were so desperate, ready to leave but having no where to go and almost suicidal. Now you just seem to be going round in the same old circle. Have you made any plans to sell the place in Florida? Have you contacted anyone in the UK to see what your options might be?
In someways I agree you need to be the bigger person and tell DH you really have done, with him- not his horrible kids!

Savvy I'm not caught up with the background of your situation, so I'm a little late here, but I can sense the utter desperation and torment in your posting today.

What are your thoughts on staying home tonight, and dealing face to face with SS, like Sacrificiallamb suggested. Is this a impossibility in your mind, like you would rather hit yourself in the head with a hammer? I already think I know the answer to that question though. Personally I would feel humiliated that I could be treated like this, especially at this stage of my life etc. It's disheartening to think about you having to slink away by yourself, while your DH entertains his family, on your territory, without a care in the world for your mental state of mind. I'm so sorry you are dealing with so much rejection.

I don't need to tell how horrible of a husband yours is being. I know you already know this. Like I said, I don't know what your part is in your situation, but nothing could warrant this kind of disregard from your DH. As imperfect as my relationship is my with DH, one thing that is mandatory for our marriage to exist is that we are each others soft place to fall in the world. That we strive to protect the feelings of each-other, as much as we would our own. In other-words we have eachothers back above all else. Neither one of us would even consider attending a social event where the other isn't welcome. We wouldn't be together if that was the case, our marriage wouldn't survive.

I wish you would stay home tonight and gain some of your power back, while you continue to work out your next move? Is there someone you can invite who can stick with you tonight and support you? If not you can imagine us here on Steptalk, rooting for you and wanting better for you.

It is a shame you have to go through all this. Good for you for standing your ground. I hope there are no repercussions from putting your foot down.

Your partner really should be backing you up on all this and not just sit there with his head in the sand and allow you to be excluded from family events and always putting his children's needs above yours. Exclusion is a game my adult skids play and my DH is sick of it and really has no relationship with them now because of that and their hatefulness and disrespect. If your partner cannot respect you enough to at least have your back and defend the person he loves, if it were me, I would think about leaving him and going on to enjoy the rest of my life with someone who appreciates me if we could not work it out.

Good luck

Your relationship is dying. You should end it and get some peace. Otherwise it's just going to be fighting and more fighting. You better start figuring out how your going to live on your own.

Five and a half hours is a long time to sit in a car- I would have driven somewhere nice, treated myself and probably not gone back...

This will ll end in tears- they may be mine...

This will all end in tears- they may be mine...

You are surrounded by a whole load of crazy people Savvy! New Year's Eve??? We're still in August- at least for a few more hours! How can he insist? I would definitely have planned to be well gone by then. In fact,you have time to sell your Florida places and be spending New Year's Eve somewhere nice away from these nutjobs!
How can you 'make up' with them? It can't be forced against your will.
No matter how many times he tells you it is his house- you really don't have to live there. I know you have horses- is there anyone at the stables may be able to help you out? Weren't you going to see a lawyer at some time? There are people who will help Savvy, just go find them and get yourself free!!

Apparently, he told his son yesterday he was wrong - really - after letting him disrespect me

Yeah, I don't believe he told his son he was wrong. He wouldn't have let it happen in the first place if he thought it was wrong. I think he is telling you what you want to hear, while saying something completely different behind your back.

Dump all of these people and take yourself out of their games. You CAN do better.

He doesn't hold all the cards, he just wants you to think that he does.

Weren't you going to go see a solicitor to see what your rights and options were? What happened with that? You maybe thought that things were going to be okay after all so didn't go? Don't do that. Go.

He will, at least, have to buy you out of the villa in Florida or sell it so you can get your half.

Get your ducks in a row and get the hell out. And not until he "comes to his senses", that will just be another act and a lie. The relationship has only lasted this long because, like you said, you have never challenged him before, just gone along with the life he planned for you.

I have read quite a bit of this.
Yes your partner was at fault for allowing the wedding fiasco. Based on what he said he was a clueless man on it. The daughter was also at fault because women "know"! We just know. i cannot imagine the daughter feeling good if she went ot someone's wedding and was seated away from her partner.
I mean folks, partners are seated together - end of story.
As for house etc, if your relationship has gone that far south, then make him leave. Posession is 50% of the law. Don't leave. I am assuming you guys have joint ownership of the house and even if you don't, it's likely half yours anyway. So you don't have to leave. He is the one in the wrong. Throw his ass out.
There you go!
Z

What did the solicitor say? Did you go see them- although you may have no property rights out of marriage you are entitled to something. Do you work? Have you ever worked in the UK? There are ways of getting yourself out of this even if you are in the UK. What happens to your horse when you go back to the States?
And if I were you I wouldn't wait until next year- I would get on the first, cheapest flight to Florida and put that place up for sale. However, if you want to to stay and suck up the bullshit...