Ss 20 blames dad for everything wrong about his life and threatened to runaway from home if pushed

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DH suffered for 14 yrs before divorcing ex who had 3 kids. Hubby turned a blind eye and ran away from the issues instead of confronting them thinking time would heal but eventually realised it wasn’t healthy living likr this

exwife used hubby to justify her actions instead of accepting responsibility for her cause of breakdown of marriage, they both had a part to play in the downfall and lack of active parenting and nurturing

I told hubby i do not feel respected or valued as a wife and i really don’t want to be married to him anymore and he admitted his son was the worst and that hubby had after divorce and marrying me try to educate son on his ways, behaviour and it was disrespect and excuse after excuse to the point hubby has argued and fought with him over this and ss had the nerve to say to his dad that its all his fault that he’s this way because he neglected them and that if hubby pushes ss to change, be respectful loving in our house, be an active member of this household and not a disrespectful little shit that ss would run away to guilt dad.

hubby now just told me this and that he feels guilty enough and what happens if ss runs away, gets into crime or becomes a criminal, its his fault. I simply told hubby your 3 kids with ex have lived a life seeing their mum scheme her way, manipulate and emotionally blackmail you to get her way and accepted no responsibility for anything wrong she did. So your kids cannot empathise yet allone accept responsibility for their actions. They can’t see there comes a point where as adults they need to accept responsibility for their actions. Are they gonna blame daddy at age 30-40? Thats absurd!!

hubby has seen the big difference in our 2 kids aged 1.5 and almost 3 in helping our around the house with chores, being very affectionate and his kids with ex are an embarrassment to hubby and nothing he can do since they were teens till now as young adults will change them, they’re set in their ways

they lack empathy and compassion, typical everyone else in the world is to blame for their behaviour and attitudes. Honestly i can’t wait for my 2 kids to grow up and tell them to “grow up”.

plenty of us come from broken homes or divorced parents, alot of us aren’t a bunch of arseholes!!

i told hubby him buying their love isn’t helping, he needs to be a parent first. Thats his mistake thinking well if he gives money so they have an easy life they will respect him but they haven’t. They just became greedy inconsiderate little buggers.

this isn’t a healthy life for hubby to live and not normal and hubby shouldn’t continually be accepting this attitude forever. Meanwhile, bio mum who was a major source of the issues and hubby was too afraid to confront her all those years of marriage, she’s absolved of responsibility for anything. These kids do not know how to stand up for themselves one bit, just bully and guilt others and in ss case, laugh if his behaviour is rude and people tell him off basically saying he can’t give a stuff.

The day my 2 kids grow up and call this ss out on all those bad behaviours and that he’s basically a bum thay needs to grow up and deal with the real world needs to happen now. Such a shame we need to wait a few more years

I'm afraid I'm stunned by the

I'm afraid I'm stunned by the idea that a 20 (TWENTY) year old would threaten to run away. How can you run away when you're an adult? Seriously? And he'd do that why? Because he's expected to behave like a human being? Oh PUHLEAZZ!!

As for your DH fretting about his baby boy getting into trouble if he does run away ... can you get it through his thick skull that any subsequent problems will be of his son's doing not his and that he can't whir around him 24/7 for the rest of his life. How long does he intend to continue to helicopter parent him and will there ever come a time when he accepts to believe that his son might just be able to make his own life decisions?

Hubby feels guilty that he is partly to blame for this screwing

up.

he knows this can’t be a life to live. Hubby is asian and so in those cultures kids live in parents home and usually move out when they marry.

my dads advice was hang in there and hope some stupid woman buys his bullshit, married him and his they move away coz hell no would ss say daddy i’m getting married but living in family home “f*#k no!!”

hubbys suggestion is move overseas back to my country as our 2 kids also have my citizenship too. That way hubby doesn’t feel guilty and has a legitimate excuse to not fork out money maintaining them (which 22yr old daughter and 20 yr old ss) expect to be paid. I have explained they need tough love and when they guilt you for cutting off the funds when they’ve finished their degree, tell them the real world isn’t nice and majority of adults get jobs when finishing high school to survive

the nerve of these bloody stepkids, makes me boil inside and say hell no, it gives me pleasure to make life hell for them that the basics of showing respect and appreciation to a parent who copped so much shit from your useless incompetent mum, worked his ass off while she did nothing, not care for the home or kids, your dad sacrificed valuable time with you thinking if he could muster up a solid savings that you wouldn’t struggle and these little shits act like this to dad...

enjoy being taught the real world brats, you’re such an embarassment and i’m sure plenty of younger kids are way more mature than you.

on the weekend hubby actually told his kids they can’t expect to meet up and exclude me and the kids. They message daddy saying we’re free and not one word or care about me and kids but for safe measure the girls buy so called over the top presents.... hmmm buying me much ?? So hubby put his foot down it will be at home.

so next time ss is a lazy shit and dumps his trash on the floor or overflowing in rubbish bin, it will be put on floor in front of his bedroom door, he will be told to empty trash properly and mop floor afterwards. Pretty sure a few bits of this he will crack to daddy and say how unfair it is and threaten to move out. Meanwhile my 3 and 1.5 yr old daughter and son love to vacuum and fight over the broomstick.... what an embarassment for ss

A 20 year old

A 20 year old by definition can not run away. He just moves out like he should be doing. Someone needs to tell him to go ahead and leave but don't let the door hit him in the ass. What is with these helicopter parents?

Lol 2 yrs ago we were getting ready to go out for dinner

To ss favourite restaurant. He wanted to buy phone credit from petrol station and we were leaving in 15 mins and it was on the way so hubby told ss just be patient. He was so angst needing to go and left. Next thing a call after he never got back home, he’d hit a car with his motorbike. Dad asked how did it happen? Car came out of nowhere he said. I laughed as i worked in motor insurance for 7.5 yrs, i said the car was always there he was just so impatient he crashed into it.

kid asked dad to come to police station as he’d never been in situation before and hubby said ok and he’s leaving in 5-10min and police station is not even 5 min drive away meaning hubby would be there in 10-15 mins. Ss tells his dad to hurry up and what time will you arrive?? His dad just hung up.

afterwards hubby paid the fine for him and damage to 3rd party vehicle so no need to go through insurance. What hubby should have done? He should have sat ss down and said you crashed because you were impatient, then you absolved yourself of any blame so now you can get a job to pay for the fine and damages to 3rd party car. When he guilts dad saying he’s in college full time and can’t get a job, hubby should have said well then i’ll guess you’ll go to jail huh?

weeks later at a family holiday with inlaws ss drove his motorbike into a pothole the width and length of 2 spas. Claimed he never saw it! He copped it from hubbys family so bad it was so hilarious and ridiculous this kid and hubby had enough he told his kid to see an optometrist and surprise, he needed glasses

Lol 2 yrs ago we were getting ready to go out for dinner

I don't know how in the world

I don't know how in the world you can respect this pathetic man. He just avoids dealing with any problems in his life and now he wants to move overseas to avoid yet another problem. Leave the country, rather than man up and deal with the mess you've made out of your children.

Ugh. I couldn't stay married to him.

I’m pushing him to address the issues which is happening slowly

He feels so guilty but i’m one of those people with no remorse, if you’re being an arsehole, i’m gonna be an arsehole 10 times worser

He's neglecting his kids so

He's neglecting his kids so he can feel loved and avoid things that make him anxious. He's not doing them any favors. I get that it's scary to risk them refusing to speak to him, or "running away", because they will probably do those things to manipulate him. But right now, he's making himself feel better at their expense.

Yes thats pretty much been my issue too.

Except they don’t love or respect him if they manipulate and guilt him for money and behave this way to him

i have told him he isn’t doing his kids any favours and isn’t preparing them for the harsh real world and screw upsetting feelings and the bio mum. They’ve messed up these kids from day 1 and they need to be told the harsh truth.

hubby is really struggling with upsetting ss because he’ll leave but thats him manipulating dad and dad needs to see it. Otherwise our kids will resent dad for allowing this behaviour to continue

So you married a pathetic

So you married a pathetic excuse for a parent who failed miserably at batch #1 and now he's onto batch #2 with lots of baggage in tow.

"they lack empathy and compassion, typical everyone else in the world is to blame for their behaviour and attitudes. Honestly i can’t wait for my 2 kids to grow up and tell them to “grow up”.

You're saying that skids lack empathy and compassion yet you're waiting for your small kids to school their older half sibling and tell them to "grow up"? Before you judge skids because of their sh*t parenting you may want to look at what you're teaching your own kids.

There comes a point that despite the neglectful parenting

These kids can’t blame forever their parents. Their dad is trying to step up but gradually because he has alot of guilt he allowed this to happen and enabled it by staying married to their mum and allowing the cycle to continue. He’s struggling to parent this child. He has done a great job with our 2 generally in managing discipline and nurturing them from day 1, but he’s in a way torn between what feels like 2 different worlds. Hubby was raised similar to me so we get that style of parenting and discipline but he’s spent 15yrs plus of manipulation by the exwife and kids, thats stuff thats been ingrained in him as normal and he’s struggling to get past that. I have to talk reason with him using examples so that he actually questions what i am saying makes sense otherwise he will go on the defensive and shut down.

also the sk are old enough to know right and wrong, they are just used to this manipulative behaviour and guild everyone, lack of responsibility, there comes a point they need to grow up. Or do we baby them for life? They aren’t getting the message when hubby lectures them or explains to them their behaviour is unacceptable and give attitude of i can’t give a stuff or answer back continually and when hubby pushes them further they go in playing guilt the father mode by always blaming him or making excuse for everything. The country i come from, people don’t tolerate this behaviour and if sk excuse is i am rude/disrespectful because of my dad and mum, question would be did both your parents teach you to disrespect, did they tell you it was ok to be rude? Did they say you could behave this way to people and blame mummy and daddy for it? My kids will question their half siblings that way and sk won’t have anything good to justify how they behave, it will fall back on them

of course not and they would be told to grow up. Thats the harsh truth.

whats your suggestion on trying to fix these kids because they won’t go for therapy, they’ve closed up and blame everyone for everything and think they’re behaviour is fine to behave towards family and if daddy gets angry, well its all your fault??

You can't fix your husbands

You can't fix your husbands adult children, what is done is done and manipulating your toddlers to "school" their older half siblings won't help either. You married a broken man with broken children and are now training up a brood of young self righteous narcissistics. It seems like your husband chooses the same kind of women over and over.

How am i anything like my husbands exwife and how

are my kids narcissists? They will grow up to be individuals who see half siblings being rude, disrespectful and inconsiderate and i expect in their home they can freely tell people to show basic manners. DNA doesn’t make this any different

Your husband needs therapy

Your husband needs therapy STAT. He needs to work through his misplaced guilt and accept that he tried his best, but probably made mistakes like 100 percent of human parents everywhere.

That, or he ends up like my 75 year old father who accepted the blame for all of my 40-year old brother's terrible choices. The man baby has been living in my dad's basement...forever.

I’m sorry, but I cannot stop

I’m sorry, but I cannot stop LOLing about a 20 year old threatening to runaway.

I’d offer to help him pack.

He’d probably steal my security lock for his suitcase

lol

Thank whatever higher being

Thank whatever higher being you believe in...and pray he is NOT threatening, and just goes; in fact open the door and help pack his bags (give him enough gas money to get into the next state or country; or a one way ticket).......this would do everybody involved a huge favor.

Hubby actually has several properties he bought after the divorc

one for his daughters and exwife to live in because ex moved in with her dad and hubby didn’t like the girls not having their own room or privacy. Ex wife did nothing to get back on her feet, everything was expected from hubby but he did it out of what he felt obligation and responsibility and that house he intends for his daughters. An apartment he has he wanted to give to his son from ex so if it gets to a point he threatens to move out or hubby agrees and moves past his guilt that ss needs to grow up and be independent and fend for himself just like the rest of us, then hubby will likely tell him to move in apartment and he is responsible for all utilities.

if however he did get abusive and threatened any of us, hubby is a large man and strong enough to overpower him but i’m sure he wouldn’t allow him in the house

so far ss just raises his voice rudely like about to shout at hubby even in front of family purely because he was annoyed hubby knocked on his door while he was sleeping asking to borrow an extension cord to do repairs at home. When hubby told him off after family left how embarassed he was and that behaviour was unacceptable, ss made above excuse. I would have told him to shut the hell up and stop making excuses which i told hubby later in private

last yr he at 2am started screaming hysterically downstairs and had run up to our bedroom door upstairs panting out of breath just as hubby opened our door and asked what the hell was going on. He spoke in some made up language and started laughing then walked downstairs. 15 mins later knocks on our door apologising then says there are bad spirits in his room. Hubby goes downstairs and sees cats acting fine and nothing wrong about his room. Thats what happens when a then 19yr old locks himself up in his bedroom all day and night, no interaction with anyone and just sleeps and plays computer games

i prayed to god hubby didn’t have to go interstate for work because if that scenario happened again me alone with a 1.5yr old and newborn, i’d be scared shitless and whack him with hubbies golf club in self defense if he came on aggressively and wouldn’t stay back. Then i’d call the cops on him and ask he be evaluated by a psychiatrist and then message hubby with the news....

i thought that would have been a wake up call to hubby which he did start slowly addressing the issues but there are so many hubby has to deal with its a long process

"whats your suggestion on

"whats your suggestion on trying to fix these kids because they won’t go for therapy, they’ve closed up and blame everyone for everything and think they’re behaviour is fine to behave towards family and if daddy gets angry, well its all your fault??"

1) you cannot "fix" them. They are adults. You don't try.

2) you disengage from his kids. You cannot solve this. Do and ask nothing of them.

3) disengage from discussion of them with your husband. Make it clear they are his to deal with.

4) either they move out (run away LOL), you and DH come up with move out plan for them, or you move on.

You have choices, but you likely will not be working with DH on them.

I'd look him dead in the eye,

I'd look him dead in the eye, and say, "Run, Forrest, RUUUUUNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I met my DH after his

I met my DH after his pathetic worthless son was an adult. And DH had evicted SS for being violent. They had been estranged for almost a year - with zero involvement from me as I'd not even heard of SS.

If ss got violent even if hubby were at work

Hubby knows he’d have to evict ss for the safety of our younger kids as he’d know home is no longer safe and that his kid is out of control and has no basic respect.

Some suggestions to push ss to this point easily is bombard hubby that everytime ss is here, he empties trash, he looks after kitty litter and their biscuits everyday and he vacuums the house everyday. If he doesn’t hubby will confiscate his computer... massive hissy fit erupts, ss then decides he will do housework followed by a brobe he gets next day off and hubby has to man up and say no. Eventually ss argues to dad thats my job as his wife and why am i not doing it but him. Hubby explains i have 2 toddlers around the clock and i do other things at home and he needs to help out. Ss threatens he’ll “run away” and hubby says he’s being immature and go right ahead but where will you live anf have you got money for rent? Oh guess you’ll need to get a job just like the rest of us.

If only this could happen soon!!

Hmm? How exactly does a 20yo

Hmm? How exactly does a 20yo adult run away from home?

One of those things that makes me go Hmmmm?

Makes me wonder so when or if he manages

to get married, will he threaten dad with running away from home if he asks can he live at home after wedding just so he doesn’t need to pay bills like the rest of us do...

hmmmmm no you move out and grow up which is what marriage is about. We need our privacy as a couple and no way hubby wants to have children in laws living with us and grandkids permanently because he knows ss expects us to be babysitters.

i wonder when his wife has a baby, is he gonna tell dad he’s moving back home so we can help out her... yeah not happening and hubby isn’t gonna be a babysiter and you can take care of your own kids on your own as a couple just like the rest of us did our time. You aren’t gonna be babies into parenting

Dysfunction breeds

Dysfunction breeds dysfunction.

We all make mistakes in life. And just as a recovering addict must come to terms with and accept responsibility for their actions and choices, your H needs therapy to help him do the same. He needs tools and coping strategies so he can learn how manage the guilt, own his part, and stop contributing to the crazy. In order to do that, he has to first save himself.

The kids he and his ex screwed up are adults now. If he wants to help them, he should apologize for not being a better father, offer to pay for therapy, and stop enabling the crazy.

And cultural mores aside, you really, really need to require better parenting from yourself. It's obvious that your H is a weak parent, but what about you? Why are you subjecting your bios to this mess? Think about what they are witnessing, absorbing, and being influenced by. They are not immune to the sick dynamic your DH has going on. You really need to step back from the drama and consider what is in their best interest. We can talk all day about what your H should do, needs to do, etc but that's on him. Your duty is to protect you bios, and anyone standing between them and a peaceful home needs to go! If your SS is hearing voices and waking you up in the middle of the night because of evil spirits, then maybe it's time to develop an exit strategy.

I have addressed this with hubby many times & it isn’t fair on

our 2 kids. It breaks my heart wverytime they see him and they’re crying screaming hysterically because he’s a stranger to them instead of a brother

i sent hubby an article to read about helicopter parenting and he read it which had really great tips to move on past the guilt, in hubbys head he is protecting his kids but what he didn’t realise (which the article stated) is that he’s actually destroying these kids from being able to be fully functioning adults equipped to handle all the stresses and disappointment of life.

i explained everytime he bends over backwards and goes out of the way to accomodate kids in order to avoid ex controlling them or putting more crap in their heads and risk them not wanting to see daddy anymore, then he’s given power to the ex and he’s still emotionally married to her because he cares what she’s telling them to do

i also explained remove the guilt, everytime you tell your kids off, discipline them for bad behaviour or expect they do better and make an effort and they do a whole drama that they’ll run away and act more disrespectfully, thats the reassurance these kids need help from you because that behaviour is unacceptable so don’t fall prey to the guilt

i told hubby many times this isn’t fair we are expected to behave this way and be on our tippy toes. Next time ss is home, hubby is getting a list of chores he will be doing and with clear instructions if ss tells daddy he’s off duty next day to play computer games, daddy says no instead of ok and stands his ground. I’m not closing my eyes anymore, we all deserve better and he needs to pull his weight.

i’m telling hubby if he refuses to do above, i’m taking ss PC out of his room and locking it in the car where he can’t access it. Wait for the shitstorm to happen and him get angry and disrespectful to me. If he makes any threats on me or tries to get physical, i’m calling the police but he’s all talk really, he doesn’t have the balls to fight someone.

Shallow and polluted gene

Shallow and polluted gene pools seem to eternally perpetuate themselves ..... unless some extraordinary influence can break the chain by bringing some quality to the gene pool and rescue the progeny they contributed to with intellect, application of behavioral standards, application of effective parenting and application of effective consequences for idiot behavior.

For your children you must be that extraordinary influence. The odds of your DH being able to break his proven history of parental failure are slim and none.

Do whatcha gotta do to protect your kids from the influences of the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool.

I truly hope that your DH can step up and deliver. Regardless, you have to step up..... for the sake of your own children.

Good luck.

Thanks for your reply rags

I agree totally but there comes a limit where i parent my bios properly with empathy or consideration of others, be expected to pick up after themselves, do chores that it will get to a point where they question why bio son gets away with everything and being on his own and showing total disrespect for others.

I actually contemplated taking ss20 pc out of his room and locking up in spare car, then hiding keys and when he starts going crazy agro asking for it and threatening daddy, i will say that kid needs to understand the concept of behaviour and consequences. When he earns the right for his pc he will get it back and i expect you as my husband to support me on this matter

hubby won’t go for therapy so i need to approach things in a firm u confrontational manner. So when hubby says ss is on his way home from uni, i’m thinking of taking the pc and locking it in the caramd sending a pic to hubby at work this is whats being done. He can chuck a hissy fit, he can smash open the car door but if he threatens me physically or verbally or smashes car door to get his pc, i will call the police.

this kid needs to understand things real quick that his current behaviour is always unacceptable and will not be tolerated at home. Problem is the daddy divorce guilt and not following through on consequences. Ss knows daddy will say blah blah blah and do blah blah blah and ss remains silent and ignores and knows as per history, daddy does nothing

i think maybe when i remove the pc and he starts going aggro at dad, thats hopefully a wakeup call how ridiculous and petty his kid is being. If ss tried coming into my bedroom to look for car keys he’ll be asked to leave immediately or his dad is being called to address it immediately

why does it need to get to this point with divorced parents and stepkids, its so pathetic and ridiculous it often gets to this point

Let him run away be rid of

Let him run away be rid of him finally.

honestly, your post sounds like my dh. And yep, same thing. Years twenty years of his hell hound ex wife treating him like dirt. Even when the kids got older they’d gang up on him . He’d blow and say why is everything a huge pissing match with arguing ? They’d sarcastically say oh we aren’t arguing we are just debating .

‘Oh please , seems like these baby momma kids like being like the BM. Switching places and belittling fathers til the point of breaking. He said they drove him crazy. Before he knew it he had a crazy BM and the kids were becoming just like her. These skids use to guilt trip him so bad. I swear Dh and world wide think if they ignore it , it goes away.

i still catch dh slipping. I’m like wait a minute isn’t this what got you in so deep to begin with ? I’ve never met one skid yet who loving supported a dad.

Idk I don’t care what anyone says in a dh situation like yours , mine. Those kids are just showing direct disrespect. I’m always telling dh his kids think he owes them. They are 27 now and 24 They have had their greedy hands stretched out. And you bet the BM is pushing that agenda. I’ll never forget her writing him a 8 page letter demanding money and for what. I thought child support should pay for butt wipes and she included that on her list. Where was the money going if not for food and butt wipes ? Food was also, on the list in her letter.

My skids have 0 empathy, 0 compassion. You are not alone.

if I was the one and heard step son squeal about moving out , I’d start clapping then say let me go get some garabage bags I’ll help you right now.

I really will never understand why steps can be so evil so twisted !!

Thank you for understanding and that is how me and hubby feel

Now bio mum came in the picture 4 months ago after kidnapping the daughters since 6 yrs prior, apparently to protect them against their evil father (despite doing nothing evil), she’s used her kids as a guilt trip against hubby to milk her way further. Hubby has always done his best to be financially responsible and pay child support. The 3 kids are too dumb and blinded to see their mum using them against dad for her own revenge tactics.

Hubby has had enough, but despite all this shit, he has a bond to all of his kids, even the 3 with his ex so he feels guilty, angry, upset, loving, and a whole range of emotions which understandably makes things complicated.

in my other post its just shocking there are a few saying i’m being harsh. one of the members here Rags always says you parent all kids irrespective of biology the same, they get the same expectations and discipline so they are not treated unfairly.

Trying to guilt game and say oh poor kids of divorce they had a rough life, they had a shit/both shit parents who screwed up etc and thats an excuse for us to be super gentle makes me furious. They have had it way easier than some of us have. My stepkids have had it way easy their whole life until now.

i’m a child of divorced parents that divorced right after i finished high school, mum had a severe stroke a few years later when i’d cut off contact with my dad many years prior. Me and dad are on great terms but being thrown into the deep end, being taught the harsh truth of life and this harsh world, made me grow up with a sense of responsibility, empathy for others doing it tough and compassion.

Like you said alot if not all these stepkids lack that. Hubby told me his eldest daughter despite still being brainwashed by her mum, she was forced to grow up, be responsible so she has that empathy and compassion to a degree and when hubby gives advice or says look from now on its not fair i do what you and your brother want because you are knowingly excluding my wife and kids with her and they are a part of this family too, she said she understood.

i fee we’ve done the whole baby steps thing far too long and been taken a ride for, now we just gotta be real strict and drop it on them like a hurricane.

If ss or hubby want to use the fact he is 3rd semester as an excuse to go easy on basic things that do not take long (he spends all day and night on he computer/ps4), we aren’t asking alot or unreasonable things but there will always be others guilting us and judging us as being harsh on ss. I think we’ve been far too easy and gentle on him far too long and he has abused that generosity and taken it for a ride.

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Ss 20 blames dad for everything wrong about his life and threatened to runaway from home if pushed