Speaking to your Spouse about their Adult Kid's attitude and behavior
I just have a question. There are so many things I want to tell my DH about his BD behavior. She really thinks she is a princess and she has rubbed so many people the wrong way with her attitude and behavior when we have events. I know he knows that she is not perfect but I don't think he knows the extent. I tried to hold off because I don't want to come off that I dont like her ( I really dont want to be around her). My sister and another relative told me to be careful and be mindful because people are funny when it comes to their children. I just get tired of when something goes down she runs to her father and plays victim when its not the case and she lies. I actually had to let him know due to recent issue why I don't include his daughter when I plan events. I was not sure how much to tell but I can't hold back emotions especially when I am fed up. His BD and I used to be close in the beginning and when we all ended up living together, I saw a side to her that I did not like which is spoiled and entitled. Most people who came to our home saw that. I am glad she does not live with us now. Honestly, I wish I could have a talk with her but I know how that would turn out. My oldest BD has tried have a relationship with her but not successful. My BD actually have way more interaction then my SD's own biological sisters. I am not one to be fake around people who have done things to me. Is there a boundary of how much you can speak on in regards to SK's attitudes and behaviors to your spouse? I don't know if this makes sense or not. I guess maybe it has to be the delivery of the message when speaking on their kids? Thoughts?
I think you need to let him
I think you need to let him figure it out. You can ask critical thinking questions that might help him figure it out, you can ask pondering questions about her behaviors and see if he answers but deep down inside he knows. Having your child grow up with failures like this is not an easy thing to accept. I would make sure she isn't financially hurting you. Separate finances if needed. He can see her outside of the home for now. You can put limits around the drama interfering with your home but you are looking for a huge fight if you spell it out. Letting him experience it full force can be a powerful way to expose reality.
Thank you for your response.
Thank you for your response. This is helpful. I just basically said in our last conversation to be more observant next when he's around her especially with her fiance. She is the worst when she is around him. Like unbearable.
Don't do it
If your DH is like mine, he takes any negative remarks as an attack so don't do it. The only time I've gotten thru to him was when I approached the topic as helping her, like, "Don't talk about (SD's misdeeds), people will get the wrong idea about her" (when DH had his rose-colored glasses on and thought everything she did was admirable) or "I'm worried about SD cuz xyz". Sometimes they are just blind but also so defensive so you have to phrase things carefully.
I'm going to back off. I feel
I'm going to back off. I feel like everytime I mention anything about his kids he gets on the defense. Especially when his 28 yr old son was living with us . He finally moved out and what a breath of fresh air. I started realizing my husband will say " I feel like you dont like my son" or I hate that all of this is effecting the relationship I have with his kids". I have to explain I don't have a problem with them but I am not the Stepparent that will tolerate anything while living under my roof.
Bio parents rarely realize
Bio parents rarely realize how annoying their kids are and can be.
Disneyland Dads struggle to provide structure and when a new partner provides much needed organization to the dysfunction they lived while single parents the new partner gets accused of being "evil"
Honestly, over the years my
Honestly, over the years my observations is that he is like this with his children because their mom has mental issues and have them in so much drama. I feel like he overcompensates with allowing them to get away with so much.
Exactly
That's exactly what he's doing. My DH did the same, I guess it's understandable. That's why my "helpful" suggestions were more acceptable than criticism.
Most bio parents think their
Most bio parents think their kids are "perfect innocent angels"
I would just disengage and ONLY bring up the challenges you have with his daughter if he asks and keep it to pure facts
Otherwise you risk looking like "the bad guy"
Play up the good when giving any and all advice
And suggest dont "tell". Give them the room to decide and be the parent.
If you notice a trend with others as well, you can organize convos where others state things.
The thing is, they have these really large bio goggles on and dont see reality. They cant. Because these dna samples running around are direct reflections of THEM, they cannot possibly have ANY flaws.
Also, guilty daddy syndrome. Since they did not actually and directly give birth to them, they are considered deadbeats.
Entitled Kids = Entitled Adults
Some parents simply confuse loving their children with meaning you do not set boundaries and allow them to make decisions they should not.
I stay neutral and let biodad be the dad, handle his adult child. When children are not given loving boundaries, they will eventually show their true colors all on their own!!! The entitlement gets worse as they become adults and that is what bio parents will have to deal with as that's what they created.