Should We Marry??

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I recently became engaged to a wonderful, kind and loving man with two adult daughters; ages, 26 & 32. I will try not to make this too long but wanted to give background. I went to work for the company he was employed at nearly three years ago. I was starting my life over! This work involves "living on the road" 99% of the time. Our relationship started slow and gradually progressed. He at the time had a home in the town the girls live but sold it last year. They were used to moving in and out and basically have the place to themselves except when he came home on weekends or between jobs. At the time we started seeing each other neither one was living with him. I am a fairly quiet,observant person so I have watched their relationship over the past 2 1/2 years. They are used to Dad catering to them; money, meals, work around their homes. They don't seem to consider the long hours he works, the hours driving home. I have learned when they lived at home the oldest who is "messy" never would clean or pick up, so the youngest got feed up and stopped and he would come in and do the cleaning! I have never once seen them offer to help when fixing meals or offer to clean up afterwards. I was appalled to learn on the 1st Father's Day that he always either cooks or takes them out to dinner. He also pays for both their automobiles (which are in his name), auto insurance and frequently "transfers" money into their accounts when they call and need to "borrow" money. They of course never pay it back. The oldest has a small child and live-in boyfriend/father of child.

A month before we became engaged we talked about our future and expections. We were looking for a home to buy together, either at the beach or on a lake where we could go between jobs, weekends when close enough and it would be our retirement home. We agreed barring a natural disaster none of our children would live with us (I also have two grown children who have their own homes and who are self-reliant).

A few weeks ago we bought our home, a lake cabin that needs alot of TLC which is one hour from his daughters and one hour from my son and three hours from my daughter and grandchildren. We really like the location (kinda remote) and look forward to going there. The last few weeks have been spend, cleaning, and getting ready to move. This past weekend we moved both of our furniture and belongings in. My daughter came last weekend and helped me clean all weekend (my son works weekends). His youngest has helped a few hours on two different days and the oldest has come to complain (it's to far and there is not pool) and eat.

What I have seen over the last couple weeks is the youngest thinks it is going to be her and her friends "hangout", food and beverages furnished. I also would not be surprised when her lease is up she will want to move in.

After giving it alot of thought this weekend I talked with fiance regarding my concerns, our agreement, our need for some alone time. The fact that it is a 30 minute drive to grocery store which I did not want to make every time we were there. That I was not going to cater to them by cooking and cleaning with no offer of help. The fact that although I have always been friendly and tryed to make conversations with them, they rarely will say more than Hey or goodbye and will rarely do more than answer a question in more than a word or two. I see them regarding it as his house, not mine also. I will inject here that I will also be contributing to the payment for this home, it's upkeep, etc.

I have made it a point over the last two years, to decline going to visit them on certain weekends so they can have "alone" time with their father, on father's day this year I declined to go so they could spend it with him alone. I respect their close relationship.

He listened to my concerns, agreed with them and said that he loved his girls and would do anything for them. He did say he would talk with them about not being there every single minute we are there. I also remember in a past conversation him saying he was afraid to make to many changes, ie: money etc. because they might not talk with him again.

Am I setting myself up for heartache? It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I even considered remarrying, I don't want another failure.

The home is both of yours, so

The home is both of yours, so both of you need to be in agreement about who visits when and for how long. He does NOT have the right to let his kids stay there if you object. If one of the daughters wants to visit, they need to ask permission, and he needs to discuss it with you. "No" is a reasonable answer when you don't want them there. If he won't agree to that, then I'd say you are in for trouble sooner rather than later.

Would also suggest that he transfer title to the cars to his daughters. If he is the legal owner of the automobiles, he can and will be sued should one of the cars be involved in an accident. Guess how I know this.

I agree 100% w/winehead. .

I agree 100% w/winehead. . Especially get DH to get of the title for the cars. My deceased Sister-in-law left her car to SD about 10 years ago-DH was on title. When tickets started coming to our house in DH & SD names, I told him to get off the title. This was years ago. Now, car is seized and DH (and thus me) are on the hook for over $3000 in tickets and fines. 27yo SD refuses to get a job because she & husband are "hustlers" playing around in real estate, and can't "work for the man". Also on hook for her student loans that DH co-signed for and she won't pay. DH just doesn't deal w/it. We have 2BC, one in Jr. year University & 1 in private elementary. I have worked since hs & up until 2yrs ago when I was laid off. Arranged budget to be a SAHM. DH has good job, but we are struggling now because SD can't get it together. I understand DH guilt, but thats life. Limit your exposure & DH's. I know this is complicated, but get DH to take his name off those cars. You cannot imagine the trouble this could cause.

Good Fortune to you.

I feel so bad for you. I can

I feel so bad for you. I can kind of relate. I recently moved in with my boyfriend. He has three adult children, ages 18, 19, and 22. While he cannot afford to financially provide as much as your fiance does to his daughters, he has always enabled his children by giving them what he could as per their demands. He worked many hours when they were growing up, and his ex raised them to believe that the world revolved around them, and that they can do whatever they want. They are horribly selfish, manipulative and just so disrespectful. The way they treat my bf makes me cry.

I would not move in here until he agreed not to ever let them in. I don't trust them, and they are constantly making more and more bad decisions. My bf agreed to that, and good thing, bc 2 months after we were in here, the daughter was banging on our door demanding to move in. His son is dropping hints now. The other son won't talk to him "ever again until he dumps me." I am referred to by vile names. It is so sad, bc if they had given me a chance, they would have liked me. But, I do know they will never change. They just get worse.

I am so proud of my bf for FINALLY starting to see the light. He is no longer allowing them to think they are in control. However, just because they are not here, does not mean it is easy. He gets constants texts and emails, ONLY when they want money or things. Since he is not providing anything now, there is major guilt on his part. I have to deal with horrible moods when his daughter (the worst) demands something, he says no and feels bad. Her latest is that she she will be moving into her car bc she has no place to go. Oh and she had been dropping by unannounced until I emailed her and told her to stop (very nicely). She will start again soon, bc she basically told me she can do what she wants.

I dont know if your fiance will have the guilt trips. He may, however, begin to indulge his daughters more. That will affect your finances if it gets out of control. The money he is spending on them now is ridiculous. And believe me, they will think this is their home, and come by when they want, UNLESS he puts a stop to it the first time. He needs to explain that this is the home shared by you two, and they are welcome to visit, but this is not a hangout.

This is the part of your post that scares me:

This may really not go well for you. This may turn into a shared home with 2 adult women who want complete control of their dad. Sounds like they have a lot of control now.

I agree about the no key part-that was also something I told my bf. And no overnights. Our home is so small, and also, I dont trust his children at all. I just dont know how much your fiancee is willing to do to make it your home and his, and not the home he and his daughters will have.

I send you much luck and good thoughts.

I did shut the door the third

I did shut the door the third time she did it. I then emailed and told her very nicely that she needs to call before she comes over. I also told her that her dad is entitled to a life, and that I will not tolerate her disrespect. The other day my bf told her that she needs to grow up and stop making bad decisions. She knows I am not a pushover, and I think that my email made her mad (GOOD), so that she will stay away for awhile. I just am amazed at how entitled she is. It is unbelievable.

Good luck. I have been

Good luck. I have been married almost 10 years now and it has only gotten worse. Oldest SS didn't speak to us for 5 years, SD on and off -- she is off now because we didn't have $10,000 to give her for her wedding, and SS28 is now the thing that won't leave -- comes in eats whatever he wants uses my toiletries, but I say ONE WORD about him not closing the top of something and I get a five minute lecture of what a mean hateful person I am and if I am going to be happy then I will be the cause of DH not having a relationship with any of his children.... it is all my fault... Right :jawdrop:

Ask your DH for specific

Ask your DH for specific incidences that you are supposed to apologize for. I was yelled at and accused of making SD and her clubheaded husband 'uncomfortable'. I then said, "I want specifics." DH could not come up with anything. Then I told him they make ME uncomfortable and I CAN come up with specifics. DH had to deliver the message (and I don't care how he delivered it) that they are not welcome in my home until I get a personal apology and will be respected in our home. And quite frankly, SD is such a narcissist she will never be able to bring herself to do it so hopefully I won't have to be bothered with the twits anymore. YEAH!!!

Yet, I guess I have to add a

Yet, I guess I have to add a but... if you can communicate with DH and he understands your needs and desires and you are on the same page and HE will communicate these things to Skids .... well
and thanks novemberm... that is a good article!

Thanks for all the

Thanks for all the responses....it does help to vent!!! I was amazed when I starting reading this forum on the amount of people that has similar problems, many continuing years after they were married. That is scary..I am 54 and way past wanting the "drama"!! We are not planning on getting married until early spring. I think that will give me time to see if anything improves or if the pattern is set! This weekend was a improvement. He told both girls we needed a weekend to ourselves. No one visited and only one phone call!! We worked on getting settled in the house, met our new neighbors and had a nice dinner at local resturant with them...So nice!! I don't want to appear selfish, to him or them but I do want bountries. I starting putting out accessories this weekend and made a conscience effort to put equal amounts of family photos of both of our familes out.

He did have the talk with both girls about a month ago that they were to start making their own car payments and that he was out of the car business. I doubt that he has seen any month but we will see.

It is a fine line, how to you know what to be firm on and what to "let go"!! Do you just "pick your battles"!!

dlf, I am around your age,

dlf, I am around your age, too.... I had some success yesterday with my SS28... Although I didn't know that he was coming over and planned to spend the night, DH communicated my concerns to him and DH was very caring toward me and my boundaries. SS28 even offered me his chair (ha "his" chair)and respected the privacy of our bathroom space. Set boundaries and have the discussions now... easier than resetting them after they have been too loose. I am reading a few of the books suggested here and they are great! Stepmonster and Dealing with People You Can't Stand are both very helpful. You deserve your time and happiness!!!

I am reading Setpmonster, it

I am reading Setpmonster, it is very good. Glad you are having success. How long have you been married?

Sorry for mispelling - I

Sorry for mispelling - I should proof.

We have been married almost

We have been married almost 10 years. DH and I were high school sweethearts that parted and lived separate lives for 29 years. I don't have any children of my own and his children were barely children as youngest was 16. Oldest son didn't have anything to do with us for 5 years. Now he has a relationship with his father, but not much of one with me... cordial, but doesn't refer to me as grandma or anything when it comes to their toddler. SD ran hot and cold, on and off again for several years... a year or more at a time, but broke off relationship about a year and a half ago when we didn't have $10,000 to hand over for her wedding (after spending over $20,000 on a private college we were not obligated to pay)... she cussed me out and stormed out. Middle child, SS, now 28, has always had a relationship with "us." Although it has been a mixed bag of what I feel has been betrayal, entitlement and unhealthy boundaries -- from letting BM into DH apartment to go through paperwork to demanding $ amount of college graduation gift to now over stepping boundaries in our home. I still love my husband and am happy we are married, but the major struggle in our relationship has been because of his children -- and the fact that his ex still asks for money even though she remarried and has been married for about 8 years or more. We are committed to our relationship... as long as I feel heard and respected by DH!!!!

I don't know why I thought it

I don't know why I thought it would be easier with "grown" children! I guess because of my own relationship with my children, who have busy lives and don't run to me with every problem. My children always at the end of a phone conversation say tell ___ I said hello. I know his girls never say that or would even think to ask about me! It's a shame such wonderful men have such spoiled, entitled children.

Saffron, It makes me wonder

Saffron, It makes me wonder if DHs look for sensitive women without much confidence or self worth - a woman they know will question themselves first and even accept blame before immediately defending their rights. Seems a lot easier than marrying one of those hard-skinned women you refer to. The marriage would never last. Many of us on this site share a common thread of being sensitive, caring, hopeful individuals who want to do the right thing and be loved. Too bad sometimes this is taken advantage of and we become bitter. Shannon wrote in another post that she is planning to get back to the happy person she once was before SD. This will be my goal also. Every time I start thinking of the negative situations that have bombarded my feeling of well being, courtesy of SD and DH, I will try to remember how fortunate I am to have some totally wonderful people in my life whom I see a hell of a lot more than SD. I will work on convincing myself that I have as much value as anyone else on this earth.

I see the points in both the

I see the points in both the last two comments. I am not hard-skinned nor do I want to be, I am sensitive but also very independant, I make a good salary and I have and can support myself. I have not changed that pattern since we have been together, I don't want him to pay for everything nor do I let him,. That is one of the things early on he said he liked about me though he was not used to that - I know why now. As hard as it was for me to talk with him because I know how delicate a subject this is, I did let him know (1) I do not want anyone else living with us (2) I do not want anyone else having a key to our home (3) I do not want his daughters at our home every day we are there, there are other family members and friends I would like to see and entertain. (4) I will not cater to them, if they want to come they can offer to help cook, clean up etc. (5) I want my own checking account so we each have our own individual accounts and a joint account where we transfer household money into. I told him that he was not helping his daughters by not allowing them be responsible adults, they have manners like children (well,I didn't say that although I said they were very spoiled) and when the day comes he is not around they will not be able to function in this world on their own.

We have not set a date for a wedding although spring is what has been mentioned. I am very glad that I will have that time to see how things unfold. His youngest daughter's lease is up at the end of Feburary, so the moving in issue will come up. That will also allow enough time for me to see if he has enough respect for me to handle the above issues if/when they come up. On point #6 he is only hurting himself and them by continuing the financial support. He will have to delay his retirement if he continues, that will be his choice.

I think it really boils down to respect on every ones part.

To add to above, I will not

To add to above, I will not spend the rest of my life in resentment nor will I raise "adult" children. I have raised my own and although not perfect they can function in this world without me!

Sounds like you have some

Sounds like you have some good plans and communication going, dlf123. I don't think I am hard skinned... I have been sobbing and shaking in the last week... but I have learned that my reactions are signs that something is not right with the situation -- not with me. I also lived a long time of my adult life on my own -- alone, even though my parents lived in the same state. So... I do believe that no relationship is better than a bad relationship and communicated that to DH. I also try very hard to communicate with him without criticizing the skids directly as I know he takes it as an attack on him. Of course there will be growing pains, but hopefully things will work out.

I can relate...it is nice to

I can relate...it is nice to be able to "talk" with people in similar situations..hopefully we can help each other get through the growing pains!

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