You are here

Should I go with SD and DH?

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Submitted by 20YearsAsAStep-Mom on Wed, 03/07/2012 - 6:19am

Forums: 
Adult Stepchildren

I have an issue that is coming up real soon. DH and I bought land with an old cabin on it 15 years ago from another family member. Well, we recently sold it and we need to go and get a few personal items out. SD used to go there with her first family (DH and BM) a lot so she felt that it was partly hers anyway. As a young adult she also spent time there with her then boyfriend - now hubby. She is angry that we sold it and laid a big guilt trip on DH about all the memories etc. But truly it is the inheritance issue again. She hasn't been up there in over 7 years! Anyway, DH told SD that we were going up sometime before it closes to get a few momentos out of the cabin. SD wants to go of course, and now I am not sure if I want to go. If I dont' go I am giving her the control to take what she wants from there, but if i do go, I may get snarly and it could cause more trouble than we already have. Thing is I am working on a disengagement and have been avoiding her, so this also throws a wrench into that. Don't know what to do....Any advice???

Sweetnothings's picture

Submitted by Sweetnothings on Wed, 03/07/2012 - 6:44am

I think you should just arrange for you two to go..... Don't tell her and go soon !!! Surely she is big enough to organise her own trip there, after you ???? What precious things has she left there for all these years anyway? If she hasn't been contributing to the cabin's upkeep and bills, etc, then I'm sorry she doesn't get a say, as far as I would be concerned.......

Sweetnothings

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Wed, 03/07/2012 - 8:49am

I agree with the other posters. You and DH should go soon, and don't tell her when you're going. DH can get the items that mean something to SD and give them to her if he wants.

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Wed, 03/07/2012 - 8:56am

why do you all have to to together. You and hubby should go first, then she can go with whoever she wants. And NO I would not go with her at all.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Wed, 03/07/2012 - 8:56am

I would tell her that you will collect any momentoes she would like and would she please give you a list. Chances are she has forgotten what the items are and you could give her a piece of wood form the outhouse and tell her it is a floorboard and she would never know.

As a gesture of you being a MUCH better person than her (and this will reflect as such to your DH) give her some photos of the place and a coffee cup circa 1975 because she is SURE to remember it. }:)

I remember when my grandfather had to sell their home where I spent a LOT of my summers. it was by a beach and we practically LIVED in the water all summer. But my grandmother was killed in a car accident and it was too rural for the rest of the family to take care of my 84 yr old grandfather. Logically it was his place to sell but I still miss that place.

Make the trip asap. Tell DH this is a special trip[ for the 2 of you and don't even mention your SD. If he suggests she comes along remind him how 'special' you can make it with just the 2 of you...

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Submitted by 20YearsAsAStep-Mom on Wed, 03/07/2012 - 8:32pm

LOL about the floorboard from the outhouse! Would love to do that. Perhaps the outhouse toilet seat would be a good momento, ha ha.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Submitted by 20YearsAsAStep-Mom on Wed, 03/07/2012 - 8:06pm

I wish I had the balls to say no. If I try to change this now DH and I will have the biggest fight ever. I think I want to save it for something else... Like the boundaries I plan to set at OUR cottage. I just wish he wasnt' soooo dumb about SD.

BLUEEYES's picture

Submitted by BLUEEYES on Wed, 03/07/2012 - 9:55am

I feel like this should not bother you too much I unnderstand your position though... but you could make the best out of it while it lasts anyways- if you have a good relationship with your sd it should not be a problem at all for you sweetie, take her up ther and make a day out of it... she will love you for your support during this difficult time for her... remember she has memories that may be good from her parents and nothing to harm or hurt you but she still has those... I know how hard this is trust me---i dea lwith this sort of thing every dauy every minute of my life with my husband and his kids... I know you are feeling yuckie about it... but just go and get it out of the way it will show her you have pride and can be the bigger loving person that you have been for her.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Wed, 03/07/2012 - 10:40am

You and DH go and do it soon. Take pics of some things she may want and send her a text while you are there. Give her the option on some things. That is all I would do for a kid that hadn't been there in 7 years.

Boudicca's picture

Submitted by Boudicca on Wed, 03/07/2012 - 4:21pm

I can only agree with everyone else. Don't take SD on the trip - go with your DH alone. As Vibes mentioned - it hasn't bothered her for the last 7 years so why should she worry about it now?

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Submitted by 20YearsAsAStep-Mom on Wed, 03/07/2012 - 8:20pm

Right after I wrote I wish I had the balls to say no... well guess what I just did it. 10 Minutes ago. I told DH that I think it is important he and I do it alone as it is a big step forward in our life and I want it to be an intimate time just the 2 of us. He agreed and said OK. Woo hoo. I said I would feel uncomfortable and like a third wheel if she was there. I told him if SD wants to go and reminisce or say good bye to the cabin she should go with her DH - more appropriate. I also said she can go stay there all she wants until it the deal closes. I don't have a problem with her going, just not with us. Thanks to all you ladies for giving me the courage I never would have had before reading all the support and encouragement! Love you all!!!(( hugs )))