Serious Resentment Towards Adult Male Adult Man-Child
Hello...Good Day to All...and Thank You for any Advice/Feedback. It's priceless. I need it desperately. I'm ready to leave my marriage and relationship altogether. Even though my wife and I get along swimmingly and have lots of love and fun together. Unfortunately, my step son is causing a serious problem.
Problem: Adult Step Son (25) living at home (as per my suggestion for his benefit of maturing and saving money), who has psychological issues (no drug problems, etc). He is extremely intelligent and funny, but immature and thinks EVERYONE is attacking him, judging him and he resorts to hatred, resentment, antagonistic behavior, and holding unrealistic grudges and resentment towards anyone who disagrees with him. I have been his #1 target to take it out on, even though he looks up to me. His insecure behavior is affecting his work to a point where his female boss said, "Hey 'John', are you busy?" and he took it as 'You don't trust me, you think I'm doing nothing, I can't stand you' and lashed out on her. He admitted later this to us when things were 'good'. He thinks everyone is against him and thinking negative thoughts about him. I expressed to him this constant lashing out at bosses is going to lead to you being written up and/or fired." I told him, "Listen you need to stop assuming others' thoughts about you.
I understand his angst, resentment, and antagonistic behavior towards me because of what the 'poor boy' has been through. Now, he has to share his mother with someone else. I have tried IMMENSELY giving him space with his Mom and being his cheerleader giving him pep-talks constantly, expressing my strong beliefs of his potential, giving him life advice, my adoration and respect for him, my support and love for him, paying his health insurance, providing his first car, etc.
His biological father has never been in the picture...at all. His stepfather was verbally abusive with him saying "All you do is eat and sh*t here". Because he never left the house and just sat in his room playing video games and only leaving his room, once he heard his stepfather close the bedroom door, which he would open his door and go and cook his food, which he is *extremely particular about food*. It has to be Organic or nothing (which is awesome and inspiring in my book). If food is not provided as he wants, he throws a passive-aggressive fit. During a heart-to-heart he admitted he has an issue of eating only organic and he will obsess over food habits to alleviate psychological issues. He admitted doing so makes him feel more empowered. It breaks my heart. He also thinks he has an STD with any body issue; a rash for example.
Additional:
My wife and I met at work as professional massage therapists 6 years ago, but only got together 2 & 1/2 years ago. We've been married for a year and a 1/2; together for 2/2 years. I saw her being negative and 'catty' and never wanted to involve myself with her, but attraction won. But even though she has chilled out and become quite a wonderful wife, her son is a mess just like she was before me. I'm really laid back, super giving, loving, accepting, freedom-giving, etc. I respect people's freedom, because I expect the same. I stopped his mother from invading and cleaning his room. I told her, "Listen, his personal space has been invaded most of his life, leave him alone, in his peace." It turned into an almost hoarder/pest-control situation.
I am born and raised American (1/4 Japanese, Cherokee Indian, Irish, German) that learned from my American grandfather at a very young age about working ethic and being a good-hearted person. He taught me as a young girl how to chop wood and didn't inhibit me because I was female. He joyfully taught me baseball when my abusive father federal government official did not. He was a great, great man who inspires me beyond 'death'. Everyone in the town knew him and were so drawn to his personality and his business ethic.
My wife is a Latina who (naturally) baby's her 25 year old Americanized Latino male. She looks to me to lead the way. I wanted to provide that comfort for her and him I didn't have in a divorce dynamic childhood. I was completely on my own. I wanted to be the 'good guy' and I saw pain in him and wanted to help. I administered rules that he would have his own room, his own tv, he asked his mother for an Xbox, which she paid for and pays for all his bills.
My background:
I am a go-getter individual, with a huge heart towards everyone. Always have been. I give and give and give until someone kicks me in the face, so to speak and then I gather enough pain and back away. I grew up with dysfunction, why would I deal with this later after I've free'd myself?
I come from a military family (mother and father, both grandfathers). My father was extremely abusive physically and mentally towards anything in his way; (me, my sister, my Mother, animals).
At this point in my life, I will not allow anyone to hold me back. I have so much to accomplish. I'm trying my best now to just go to my room (at 40 years old) and wait until he finds a job so that my wife and I can have peace and as a normal loving couple.
Any Advice?
Thank you,
Jess, LMT
i feel for you jess. i
i feel for you jess. i really do.
its hard to stand by and watch a young person make such mess of his life. i suspect he may be depressed or have serious mental issues.
https://psychcentral.com/disorders/avoidant-personality-disorder-symptoms/
its good you have moved past your own emotionally unhappy childhood and have the perspective to see clearly now.
you can only give and accept for so long. overlooking bad behaviour in itself can be a problem. that points toward co dependency.
at a certain point you must accept things are not going to change and move on. there are happier relationships out there for you.
make a decision and move on. learn from your mistakes. you sound like you have a bad situation but are optimistic are moving on.
i wish you the best.
Thank you, You named it.
Thank you,
You named it. Upon research of behaviors, I've realized that he exhibits behaviors of "Avoidant/Paranoid Personality Disorder". I don't want to label anyone...especially him. But, it is what it is. He avoids anything challenging, avoids everything really.
When we went to the car dealership, he said, "Jess, will you do all the talking??" and I said "Sure, of course."
As soon as I started talking, he came with force and threw his hand in my face saying, "she doesn't know what she's talking about".
He ended up with a horrible car dealership experience and a higher priced bill.
I was the one that started his resume and he was pacing like an animal in the background saying : "Jess do you believe in superstitions?". I answered, "I do not." I ended up starting his first resume and he found a job, an internship.
As a female, I went via YouTube how to tie and tied his first Tie as a young male.
He admires me and hates me at the same time.
I naturally don't want to bail on my my relationship to him, but most importantly with my wife I'm at my wits end. Seriously.
What would you guys/girls do?:
Thank you,
Jess
Hi welcome to the site. You
Hi welcome to the site. You have given a lot of information here- but basically you are concerned about your relationship with your step-son? You say your SS doesn't do drugs, but my first impression is a deeply paranoid character. Does he smoke weed? Some people don't realise it can cause extreme paranoia, especially in young people.
If it isn't weed then I have to say he has mental health issues which I think need treating in order for him to have any chance of functioning in a work environment. Sounds as if you may also benefit from counselling?
I hope you are genuine- if not I've made an idiot of myself again but I get in trouble if I think posters may not be real...
Thank you for the welcome.
Thank you for the welcome. I've been reading posts on this website and thought I'd post my own situation to get some clarity.
He has no friends, his last friend physically attacked him at a college party over a girl. I called the police and made sure he was alright.
He's never had a girlfriend, they tell him he 'needs to grow up', that he needs a 'filter'. He's socially awkward.
He only leaves the house to go to his internship, which is now over.
So I know what he's doing almost at all times. It's annoying, but I've just been waiting and watching him mature since I've been in the picture and he has! I'm waiting for him to blossom out and mature.
He doesn't do drugs and is obsessive about being healthy - he says that's what makes him feel more confident and his anxiety diminishes
Therapy has been mentioned a million times and his mother never follows up. She's great about telling he needs therapy, but she never makes the call.
I NEED counseling after this. I'm ready to bail on this whole scene. Leave the wife and him and they live together. I'll be happy single entrepreneur.
Why would I not be real??????????
...I'm real
Thank you for the feedback
You are in a very tough
You are in a very tough situation, because your SK's shortcomings (for a lack of a better word) were all set in place long before you entered the picture. Regardless, you will be blamed for those shortcomings. This comment struck me, " I'm really laid back, super giving, loving, . . . I stopped his mother from invading and cleaning his room. I told her, 'Listen, his personal space has been invaded most of his life, leave him alone, in his peace.' It turned into an almost hoarder/pest-control situation."
Two lessons are right there looking you in the eye with this. First of all, it doesn't matter how "nice" you are to the SKs. Nice has nothing to do with it, contrary to popular belief (unless you are a raving lunatic, which fewer SPs actually are). There are studies that show the nicer a SP tries to be to their SK, the more resentful and angry the SK can become. They don't want you on their turf. So, you could be married to this woman for 20+ years, and her adult child could still be giving you the evil eye, no matter what you do. So don't kid yourself about this.
Also, the bio-parent needs to heavily take the lead on parenting, even if the SK is living with you. The SK has two parents, mom and dad. Even if dad is out of the picture, then the responsibility goes largely to mom. Don't get me wrong, if bio-dad or bio-mom is remarried, they have the right to set the rules for their home; however, such things as "his room is a mess," should clearly be handled by mom. In this case, mom should have been making sure years ago that her son took responsibility for himself, but clearly she let that narrow window of opportunity pass.
And, like most SPs, you are stuck dealing with the fallout from someone else's divorce or oops-moment. Yes, I know divorce or separation can be incredibly hard on children and even adult children, but this is the choice their parents made. It was THEIR choice. It was not your choice. Your choice was to marry someone with children from a previous relationship and thinking you were getting bonus children or at least okay-children. Little did you or the rest of us ever realize.
You sound like a wandering, artistic soul, with many good points, but I think one of the bad points is that you do not want much ongoing distress or buckets of responsibility in your life and tend to want to move on when the pressure gets too high and stays there for too long. I think you need to have a long talk with your wife and see what she thinks of her man-child (which he is). Is she defensive of him or is she willing to admit he has issues. And, it does sound like he has issues. Who would be wiling to employ him? If all your wife does is defend him, then you pretty much know it will never change, and you can make your decision based on that.
If she recognizes there are some issues, work out a plan with her, if you are willing. A plan to launch your SK, whatever that may entail: Counseling, tough love, disengaging, etc. You are dealing with what a lot of us wind up dealing with: Adult SKs who were never really taught by either of their parents how to properly behave and how to be respectful, so it sure as H- just isn't going to magically happen now that they are adults. But, keep in mind, this is your partner's responsibility. Society likes to remind SPs that they have no authority; so, if we have no authority, we have no responsibility either.
Geez, everything you said,
Geez, everything you said, you hit the nail on the head.
You are right, I have very little patience/tolerance for petty; from anyone. I have so much to do, professionally and this is taking away from my creative energy, from my businesses as a professional Bodyworker. I thought I won the lotto when I had got the trophy beautiful Latina wife and already adult, step son. Meaning, 'He's all set! Ha, no responsibility on my part!' WRONGGGGG
But I lovingly and enthusiastically started his first resume, had a sit down with him in the beginning (him at 23 years old) that disrespecting his mother, yelling at her was not okay and that one day he'll wish he had just 30 seconds with her; one day she won't be HERE (my mother died when I was 29) - their relationship has blossomed - so I GOT THAT ONE RIGHT!, I tied his first tie, I've always had his back, defending him from his own mother! I have showered him with nice watches ("Jess! That watch is SO nice; that's my interview watch!"and gift cards to clothing stores, hi-speed internet now that he's matured some and had an internship = he deserves fast internet for Xbox after a long day of facing the "real world".
I don't think anyone (healthy) wants on-going distress and or buckets of responsibility. I do have buckets of responsibility, but professionally.
I don't have time for his hissy fits, his particularness, his innuendos, excuses, disrespect, yelling at me, talking down to me, aggressing me, talking down to his mother, my wife!
She *knows* he has problems/mental issues. She claims she was the very same way. Thinking *everyone* was thinking negatively about her, judging her and she lashed out on everyone who she *imagined was thinking negatively about her. I've seen it myself. People thought she was crazy and erratic at work. She always thought people were stealing from her or she would shoot some verbal viciousness to some innocent remark. It was paranoia and everyone including myself could see it.
She has openly admitted he has psychological issues. The only hope that stands is that after the last "blow-out"; because there have been quite a few. The car dealership where he threw his hand in my face and rudely interrupted the flow and respect I was getting from the salesman because he was taught women are stupid, men are better (even though, he was too afraid to talk himself; so he asked "Jess will you do all the talking??" - of course I will and you can learn by my actions; that failed. It landed him a huge car payment. And strife between us.
He (at 23) for 2 or more weeks straight, (I let this go on) he played Xbox until 9am and slept in until 6pm. It was boiling my blood. If the fine men and women I was raised by saw that they'd be rolling over in their graves and the ones alive would be saying "Jess! Do something!" So I did and he threw the biggest hissy fit telling me he didn't know "what century I was living in, but you can apply for jobs on the computer at night".
I said, they can see the submission time and you can't answer a job interview call asleep, correct?
I have given him so much freedom to be in his own creative energy. I allowed him to live in a disgusting room and told him "You have to sleep in it, not me, so do as you please; I'll handle your mom." He loved that and I think respected me; not sure now.
I vehemently refuse being a co-dependent abuser as I see it. No, I will not allow someone to fail right in front of me. Especially when I care about their welfare. I pay for both of their healthcare and it's COSTLY out of my paycheck!
The last straw was last week: Internship over, he went for bro-drinks in Miami. We live in West Palm Beach Florida. 1 1/2 hour drive with no traffic. His mother called to see what was going on and he sounded drunk and she asked. He said he only had a couple; stop freaking out. She started to freak out.
While the freaking out was going on, I made reservations at a local well-reviewed motel, La Quinta right down the street from his work.
HE REFUSED. He said to his mother over the phone: "MOM, there's COPS across at the motel! You KNOW that makes me NERVOUS! I'm going to get coffee and come home."
She started to saw off her fingernails with her teeth. He could have died. And so would she spiritually.
When his little arrogant ass showed up I went out with guns blazing and told him how selfish he was; that we both had to get up early in the morning...
He screamed, "AM I IN A HOSPITAL???!?!?!" I said, "YOU COULD BE, in fact you could be on a cold metal morgue slab right now! Your mother's Lupus is in remission and is remission, but is triggered by stress! You are SO SELFISH!"
I had enough and started to walk away in disgust and he rushed me physically.
I turned around and told him to get his hand OUT of my face and his aggressed me, assault in fact, and it got physical. I pushed him away from me.
That's when I said, "I'm done with you; I'm finished with you"
I let people (that I care about) push and kick me around to a point where I've HAD ENOUGH and I draw the line. It's been drawn.
Both our doors stay shut now. When I close mine he opens his and cooks his food.
He is to move out immediately. It hasn't worked, isn't working and I have to call it as it is.
Sad, because as people, he cracks me up, I crack him up, we get along, then the step dynamics kick in and resentment starts creeping in again and then another "blow-out" happens.
Now I wonder what games he's going to play outside of the home with his mother.
If he's going to learn how harsh the world can really be.
If he'll actually appreciate all I've done for him and his mother out of LOVE. Not because I'm expecting some prize.
Thank you so much for your thoughts..I really appreciate it....................
- Jess
"I saw her being negative and
"I saw her being negative and 'catty' and never wanted to involve myself with her, but attraction won."
Wait, what? I... I.. What?
It's time to take a step back from the situation. If you don't mind him living there, let it happen. If you don't want it to happen any more, you'll probably have to leave your relationship. This full grown adult man isn't a late bloomer, he is being enabled in all of his issues. He and his mother have become accustomed to that and you aren't likely to be a driving force for change, at least not without destroying the "bond" between these two.
There's a big difference between being a giving person and being a codependent person. I think you should do some research into the latter and then some deep self reflection.
Thank you, I have had the
Thank you,
I have had the chance to remove the emotions and have an outsider's look in. I do mind him living here because if it hasn't worked out by now, it won't and will only get worse.
HE IS being enabled. You are 100% correct. But it stops here. And if she does it while he's out of the house, divorce. Period. That's IT. If he tries, which I think he will try to manipulate her from 30 minutes away, I will leave so fast her head will spin.
I have absolutely been a force for change in my household and he hates me for it. She hates me for it, but loves me deeply for it at the same time. Because she's seen her only son GROW as an adult; he's got more to go, but I'm cutting the poor kid some slack...
He went through hell before (so have I) so I have compassion..........but only for so long. It's running dry now for sure.............
I will NOT be co-dependent in the sense that I will baby him into living with me, having no friends or gf until his 40's, Jesus NO
And I agree of self-reflection. I think every human being can benefit from it.
Maybe SS should live on his
Maybe SS should live on his own. Has to cut the strings, sooner or later, or else SS will be fourth years old. And you will be still writing the same story. With out major mental help, and that may not work, he is never going to change
Thank you and you're correct.
Thank you and you're correct. He's moving out hopefully in the next weeks or .........months...ugh
I will *not* be writing any same story. I am just biding my time and waiting for this move to play out, if it works, great. If it doesn't I'm bailing so fast it will look like a Lamborghini at full speed. And I'll never post on this site again because...I will never put myself in this situation again.
Update: SS Living on own, but still playing games
So I left… I stayed in an Airbnb… Totally devoted to divorce. Never had any intention on coming back, but did. He got fired Just like I said, so I left because it was validation that he just does not play well with others.
When I got that validation when he got fired, that he was doing the same thing to other people/strangers that he was doing to me and my home… I left. It wasn’t all in my head.
Now he’s living on his own, thank God, now he realizes that he has to pay for his own bills, so I’m happy we have been happy… We have been doing really good actually.
He on the other hand, second job… Is already having difficulties interpersonal relations with his now new boss… Always in competition, always taking offense to everything. He does not know how to play well with others.
He almost got fired again, pretty much got suicidal, deep depression, playing Xbox in his apartment, not socializing or barely socializing which I’m really happy about. (That he is finally socializing).
I just got a new car, it’s a Honda accord… Because yes I make good money but my current situation I want to be in the Honda class because I want to be rational. Hondas are great cars.
Now his latest thing is wanting to take his mother on vacations to New York City and Colorado and buy or lease a BMW, and he’s trying to get his mother to get a BMW as well… They both make 40 grand a year… I know plenty of people who make 40 grand a year who drive KIA’s.
I told my wife the deals that they are talking about, you have to put $6000 down… And she was like well everybody has their priorities and can decide for themselves what they want to do with their money.
It’s like oedipus complex, now he’s playing games outside of the house where Before when he was living at home he would say “Jess I’m going to make as much money as you, Jess I’m going to where the same cologne as you, I’m gonna drive the same car as you.
Now as I would like to experience New York City with my wife myself he’s going to take her on a New York City adventure for entire weekend and he almost just got fired three weeks ago… Does anyone get where I’m going here?
I feel like I’m going crazy because I feel I strongly feel there is are always ulterior motives to throw in my face. Now he wants to get me back because he was forced out of the house.
Is this all in my head? I don’t think so… His mother of course is defensive of him and if I say anything I’m the devil… I’m just at a loss I’m almost thinking of leaving again… Because I feel like this is going to be an ongoing pain in my ass… And I have so much to take of. I shouldn’t have to worry about this crap. I try to refocus… But he’s texting and calling his mom all day long.
And today I can tell by her behavior I’m the devil because I’m dropping him off my health insurance because he’s an adult and he can pay for his own health insurance which he’s going to be dropped off anyway because of his age 26. And it’s open enrollment time right now.
I feel like I’m involved with two screwed up individuals and I need to free myself from this finally and forever. And find hopefully somebody really healthy and drama free… Everybody’s got drama… But I think you guys know where I’m going here…
I apologize for the grammar mistakes and etc. I’m writing this on my phone.
Thank you for listening and sharing, it’s really appreciated.
Nothing has changed
It's been a year since you last posted. SS may be out of the house but nothing has changed as far as your DW - and THAT is where the problem was in the first place. Did she know you wanted to take her to New York before SS asked? If so, she should have simply said, "DH is taking me" - end of discussion. It doesn't sound as if your DW is invested in this marriage or views your role in her life as much different than SS.
Couples counseling could possibly help or going by yourself. Sometimes people who were raised in dysfunctional families seek out situations which are familiar - not necessarily good.
Serious resentment against adult erratic stepson
When he went to New York City, I was paying for his expensive health insurance his morther was paying for most of his bills… He went to New York City Thanksgiving because he and I had such a huge blowout that we were not even talking. (And we were living in the same household, small two bedroom luxurious apartment)
I had had enough of him and his disrespectful behavior when I was so nice to him and offered and paid for so much including health insurance etc. fast Internet so he could play Xbox. Sports television so he can watch basketball games etc.
He decided that instead of having Thanksgiving dinner with us because he and I were not talking but residing in the same apartment, yet not talking to each other… (Extremely uncomfortable), he would go to New York City on my dime and his mothers dime to avoid me.
I allowed him also to go to Colorado months before so that he could experience there’s much more to life than Miami… There’s a whole country and world to explore
He didn’t save any money. He just thought that I’m guessing that we were just going to pay for everything for the rest of his life.
Now he’s out on his own, forcibly… Because of obvious circumstances… And he hates me because of it thinking that it’s all me. Yet at the same time he has never seen such healthiness and such support ever in his life because of what I have provided for him and his mother together as a family.
But for some reason, he doesn’t want to care about that at all or any effort that I have made to make his life comfortable or give him opportunities that I did not have at his age to save up money to buy real estate.
As a result he has no savings, he wants to drive a BMW, he almost got fired three weeks ago, he wants to blame me for everything, he conflicts with all of his bosses… In which the last one fired him and the recent one which she has now almost fired him for his behavior.
He has serious mental issues… I wish someone pointed out earlier about having avoidant personality disorder which I thought of way before commenting on this forum. They nailed it.
I remember the first time I met him I lent my opinion on a subject and he looked at me like he wanted to kill me… His facial expression immediately changed and it was really weird.
In terms of step talk… You can try your best… Your absolute best… But it’s actually up to the bio parents which in this case… This parent or parents before me, taught him horribly wrong.
Yes he is out of the house and I am extremely happy of that… It’s wonderful to have my own space again… I guess at this point I can’t give a crap about whether he screwed himself with spending all of his so called savings towards a BMW… But I am surely not going to allow my wife to screw herself in some sort of car payment.
I call the shots now.
And he’s about to visit this weekend in which I have not seen him since the really intense separation… And I’m not looking forward to it. I am sure or pretty sure that he’s going to boast about leasing a BMW And brag about whatever he wants to brag about..
I’m pretty sure I’m going to come home from work say hello hey how’s it going… So glad to hear that you’re doing OK (even though he was almost just fired three weeks ago), glad to hear everything is OK… I’m going to go down to the gym… Nice seeing you…
What do you guys think?