SD36 tells her Father she 'likes' me after treating me like dog doo for 20 years.
Just before Christmas SD36 and her hubby visited. From the time they arrived they continually had immature mumbled 'side-line' conversations when the four of us were together, letting us know we were not worthy of being included. The next morning I pulled our some strwaberry jam I made for breakfast. SD36 bent over the counter and caustically muttered, “I HATE strawberry jam.” Shortly after, when I noticed that her father had given her a pin I had bought for her as a 'peace offering', I said, “Oh, he gave you the pin.” She looked over her shoulder walking away from me, “Ya, I saw it.” But when Daddy entered the room she ran up to the pin and syrupy-sweet gushed, “Ooooohhh! Thank you!” I was so upset that I had opened my heart just to get slapped in the face. I told HD and he did nothing, as usual. As I was leaving to go to a meeting I walked by them and there they are again in another muttered 'side-line' conversation. I arrived home after the meeting to find that they had taken over my kitchen, without asking me, baking cookies for everyone else but us. No one even had the decency to say, “Hi.” I was invisible, outcast in my own home. I saw the one cookie that was left for me – and I was reluctant to eat it because I was afraid her hubby had done something to it like the time he spit in my tea. Then the final straw – they started yet another -side-line mumbling and I actually asked them nicely if they would please speak up. THAT was what I did wrong. They went ballistic, yelling and screaming at me while my so-called husband ran out the door and shoved me away because he didn't want to get in the middle.
I copied Rags' post on marriage being the prime focus and gave it to HD to read. He finally seemed to 'get it' and said he would call SD36. He connected with her tonight. He told her what she did was rude and disrespectful of me as his wife. He also informed her that if they were to visit with each other it wouldn't be in this house. Her reply to him was that she really 'likes' me. Could have fooled me! To this I responded, "She sure doesn't act like it." But I'm letting it go. Because of this group I now have the courage to call them on the B.S., and it will be one hell of a cold day in July they set foot on my porch again! Yeah!!! If this is 'disengaging' I LOVE it!!! Thank you all!
Well done to you! Also thanks
Well done to you! Also thanks to the insight and courage this group has given me, I also confronted SS 25 a couple of years ago about some of his behaviour towards me. It has caused huge tension for DH as a result and SS actually asked DH to choose between me or him. Unbelievable, all because I confronted him with bad behaviour towards me. For the sick stepfamily system to continue to work to SM's disadvantage, we are all supposed to keep quiet and let their bad behaviour slide. Whilst SS was a child, I was more prepared to do that - even though it made me mad - but he's no longer a child and I will no longer treat him as that wounded pouty child - he's an adult! I'm glad that I got it all out, and you will be too!
He spit in your
He spit in your tea????????????
OMG!! You poor woman. That is so awful!! I'm glad hubby took up for you like that and called her on her crap.
I feel a lot better having the support of the people here to talk me through things that confuse me.
Rags has been a voice of reason for me a lot too.
I'm kinda jealous....my skids are only 21, 20 and 17!!! LOL
I agree with mommy2toomany.
I agree with mommy2toomany. All I would really like is for my adult skids to treat me with the common courtesy that they would show a total stranger. My hope for any kind of decent relationship is gone and I'm getting tired of my DH ALWAYS making excuses for them. It really borders on the riduculous sometimes.
I'm glad your DH finally stepped up and did the right thing. But you need to realize that their kids, particularly their daughters, have had a lifetime learning how to manipulate their fathers. So their may be more conflict with her. Just stick to your guns. Disengagement is the way to go.
I'm just curious, how did you know her bf spit in your tea??? I would have gone balistic!!
How did I know SD's hubby
How did I know SD's hubby spit in my tea? I was at my computer, they were in the kitchen, having one of their side-line conversations. I had just poured boiling water over a tea bag, then returned to the computer. Our house is small and open. As I was approaching the kitchen to get my tea I heard SD snicking and saying, "I can't believe you DID that!" Looked into the cup and there was slimy shit on the top. I threw the tea in the sink and said, "This has been brewing for too long." You should have seen the look on SD'a face!
I kind of wonder how DH
I kind of wonder how DH actually TOLD her. The phone conversation was private. He insists he said he was disappointed in her but with a 20 year history of taking up for her, it will be a while until I can feel like I trust him. Now I am strong enough to tell her to get lost if the need arises. The BIG thing for me is that he told her she is not entering this house anymore.
Isn’t it uncanny how they all
Isn’t it uncanny how they all do the same things?
DH’s daughter (34) also liked to continuously bring up happy events that had occurred many, many years prior to my arrival. She never did this when her and dad were alone together, (I asked him) only when I was there too. One time she actually made a mistake. She was busy telling me all about this enormously enjoyable activity that her and dad did together when she was five years old. That sounds like fun I said. Where did you go? SD said, I don’t remember, Dad do you remember? (hoping for a happy trip down memory lane) Course he didn’t remember either and as it turns out no such event ever happened.
SD changed the subject VERY abruptly once she realized her mistake because she sure didn’t want me to ask the next and very logical question; Since neither you, nor dad, have any recollection of this event, who told you that story to tell me? Was it your mom? Had to have been her, who else? SD would eat a bus before answering that question. Tsk, tsk. Isn’t that getting really old after 16 years (at the time) of being divorced?
It’s a classic case of projection where the person who has the feelings denies them within themselves and says and likely also believes that it is YOU who has those feelings, thereby justifying their horrible treatment of you. A lot of damage is done when stepdaughters (particularly, but SSs do it too) project their own undesirable feelings onto dad’s wife.
The thinking goes, I am not a hateful person, yet I feel hate around dad’s wife, so it must HER who is making me feel hate. So SD craftily tells dad she likes you, so clearly (in her twisted logic) it is you who doesn’t like her. What a crock of bologna. SD can’t stand you and she doesn’t have the insight to just say so and she has no wish or desire to actually resolve her issues with you. And the more people that she can convince that you are the hateful person, the more righteous she feels, and nothing gets resolved.
As Carl Jung said, “anything we can make conscious we can heal”. It’s like trying to cure a cold with antibiotics—doesn’t work. Until SD can make conscious her own feelings healing will not occur because the real issue is not being treated.
GOOD for you! It gets to a
GOOD for you! It gets to a point where all we can do is look out for ourselves, you know? I know what you mean about feeling liberated, too! Once I "took myself back", I felt so good! No more walking on egg shells with bi-polar SS26. No more having to listen to SD24's crap. I simply just don't care anymore!
And, everyone here is right. Our DH's come up with the BEST excuses for their adult children's behavior! It's amazing, really, it is! We should write a book!