I know you are very sad right now. You are grieving the death of a relationship. You will be sad for a while, then one day you will realize how very lucky you are to have gotten out of this mess. You are right on - it would NOT have gotten better - the skids would have made sure of that. It would most probably have become worse after the wedding.

If your ex did not have the courage to support you as his life partner before you got married he most definitely wouldn't have supported you after you got married. You heart may be broken now but eventually you will be SOOO glad you took action before making the mistake of marrying him.

You are only 33 years old. You have plenty of years ahead for a healthy, loving relationship with someone who places the marriage as top priority. Please think twice before choosing a man with children. Good luck and a (((BIG HUG)))

Sadly, the bottom line is that if he was unable or unwilling to confont her and set boundaries, then there was no hope of your relationship succeeding. He has no doubt realised by now that his choice means he is alone. She may have won her father's attention back, but for what? I strongly suspect it was about assuring her own inheritance.

No matter how sad you feel now, you should be glad that you are strong enough to set boundaries and not allow anyone to abuse you. He did allow that to happen, so his attitude meant he was actually party to the abuse. Yes, he was a victim too, but he allowed it to continue. I guess blood is thicker than water. We all experience that in later life relationships.

One positive ... He is so much older... Think about how in 10-15 years, you would have still been an active woman with a partner getting past the things you would still want to do. She will have to look after her lonely father.

:?

I was going to comment on this post; but after reading "Brick", no comment! Won't waste my time.

I am sorry for your hurt; but you will find someone that hugs you so tight, it will put all the broken pieces back together.

((((hugs))))

You are still quite young and taking yourself out of the dynamic is a great thing. Many of us have learned to compensate with enmeshed men, but it still comes at a price. Be selective because you can!

The man was lucky enough to score a woman 22 years younger who is financially independent, genuinely shares his interests, and even cleaned his house. Yet he let it all go because he is afraid of his own daughter. He is made of porridge, no spine in sight, you are well shot of him. It does hurt in the here and now but as you read these boards you will more and more see that he was not for you.

It is true things would have gotten worse after marriage. Their aggression would get worse while your pain was intensifying because things that hurt when you are a girlfriend hurt that much more when you are actually the wife who has been made some very specific promises that seem to mean nothing after all. And after marriage is when he would start blaming you. If only you would stop being so sensitive or just get along with her or give her a chance or don't say that one thing anymore or give up xyandz or for god's sake you be the adult then life would be good. It's all your fault!

So you are very right to figure out this situation is unbearable before you crossed over into True Hell.

Next time you date a guy, watch how he parents and the language he uses vis a vis his kids. When you detect porridge, flee! I do believe men can have healthy relationships with their children and steplife won't be miserable. I could possibly also believe in unicorns. Hmmm. But you do have to observe on the front end what his parenting is really like. But that's hard too because you get in that pink cloud of hearts and slo-mo and everything he does looks wonderful. Such a trap!

Welcome. I just second everything already said.

Distance doesn't help.
It's not anything you did.
If your partner cannot stand up to his kids and tell them to back off, be nice, and go live their own lives, then it will only get worse.
His adult children (oxymoron intended) are toxic, eat away at your relationship, undermine your trust in your partner, and convince your partner to ultimately treat you in a way he would never treat anyone else.

The trouble didn't start for me until 10 years into our relationship. I am sorry for your pain. If it is any comfort, be glad you got out early.

A man with three mini wivesm. What could possibly go wrong? /s

If I had known of this site; I would have walked away 35 years ago. It was all happening then with my SD and I didn't even realize it would become what it is today.

I have too much invested now to walk away, after 37 years.

You are young and have opportunity to make better decisions for your future.

Good Luck
(((hugs)))

My SD was definitely a mini-wife. As Heavenlike mentioned there are DH's who will walk on the side walk, hand-in-hand with SD, and leave SM behind to follow them. This happened to me. Never paid attention to where DH sat when we went out to dinner. DH and SD would have long conversations. He was uncomfortable sitting with me for 10 minutes. They had an 'understanding' between them and I was treated like an annoying child. At that time my self-esteem was at an all time low. I really believe DH was taking advantage of me financially. The 'mini-wife' behavior did not occur until after we were married. This is why I say if you marry someone and this occurs get out of the marriage before finances have a bearing on your relationship. It took a long while for me to believe I deserved mutual respect. By that time I would have lost a lot of my retirement if I had gone through with divorce. Sad to say money entered into the equation.

If your SD is a mini-wife there is no hope for any type of constructive relationship with her. But your marriage can improve. When a DH begins to treat SM as his partner, a mini-wife will view the situation as a scorned wife would. She can become very vindictive or disown DH as my SD did. Like Stepaside's DH, I think my DH saw a side of SD that changed his opinion of her. But I wonder if he ever realizes he created the groundwork for all of the hostility in the first place.

dear free girl

i am glad you are free of the man who put his children ahead of his own happiness. shame on the adult children who deprived their father of a chance to move on in like. most of all shame on the man who allowed his own children to castrate himself and lose a good woman who loved him.

best wishes as you yourself move on. no one likes to be the last priority in a partners life.

my skids have all made messes of their lives and i now stand back and watch as the disasters of their own making come to pass. the karma truck never misses so take heart. their robbing you of happiness of their father will come back to rooste.

like you i wish i had known what i was getting in for. i would have never married my husband.

The similarities between my situation and Free Girl's are uncanny. My BF of 1.5 years has a 20 y.o. daughter and a 16 y.o. son. I expected the drama to come from the teenager, not the adult. IMO, the three of them have an abnormal communication dynamic to begin with, but my BF says that whenever I'm around, my presence seems to trigger rude and obnoxious behavior from the SD. The things that come out of her mouth toward her father and brother are vile. When she turned it on me the first time, I told her right then that she needed to take responsibility for the impact her behavior has on other people and that I wouldn't tolerate any further disrespect. She had a crying meltdown in which more vile things came from her mouth. Since then, I've completely disengaged. 

What did BF do about her behavior? He 'talked' to her. His talk is white noise to her. There was no consequence and they moved on with life as though nothing happened. 

Where does that leave me and BF? I've learned the hard way that SD is the one true, pure love of his life - even more than his son. There's nothing I can do to help him fully understand how horrible and hurtful her behavior is because he's very quick to forgive her. He actually wants ME to be the one to extend the olive branch because I'm older (50) and more mature where she's just a kid. I continually remind him that she's a legal adult. 

Does this make BF a bad person? No. He's actually a very good person. He's stable, a strong provider, easy going and highly likeable. He's right there for me with everything else. He's not perfect. Neither am I.

Will our relationship ever be his priority over his children once they're launched and we're married? I doubt it. Can I accept this? I don't know yet. I'm still figuring it out.

It's a confusing and highly emotionally charged situation, but here's what I know for sure:

* I don't deserve her abuse (or anyone's for that matter) nor should I be expected to tolerate it.

* There's no life-rule that says I have to have a relationship with her at all. This means I don't have to welcome her into my home nor do I ever need to set foot in their home again. There's no obligation to invite her to my family gatherings nor do I need to attend theirs. While this may seem like it could never lead to a happy and satifying relationship with my BF, I believe all relationships come with baggage and some amount of dysfunction. This happens to be ours. Time will tell if its sustainable.

* While dividing his time between me and his children makes things harder on him (we live over an hour apart), that's his problem. He should have taken this as his opportunity to teach his adult child to a) respect his elders, b) respect his choice of partner, c) take responsibility for her behavior and apologize (she hasn't). When they're launched and he's alone because he doesn't feel like making the drive, he'll begin to understand the impact of his passivity.

Boundaries are a healthy thing. Should SD ever genuinely apologize and commit to treating everyone with more basic human respect, of course I'll create a safe space for her to express her regret and give her a chance. I'd like nothing more than to have a loving relationship with her where she views me as someone she can count on.

As I said, I'm not perfect. I'm disengaging to lock out the chaos and unhappiness that abuse brings. I'm also committing to focusing on fixing myself and leaving them to God. When you disengage, let go, and let God, peace has no choice but to come forward. 

Sounds like I've got it all figured out, doesn't it? Truth is, I have no clue what I'm doing. It just sounds like a good way to be.