Problems from adult twin girls
Avoiding the sk all together has caused major resentment between me and my wife. Which has only made things so much worse than just dealing with spiteful sk. I'm married to the woman of my dreams and I love her dearly, but we are in the process of going through a divorce. I have one daughter of my own who is 17 and three more step daughters the youngest who is 16 and the older twins who are 22 now. We have been together for 10 years and everything was wonderful for a long time. The twins are the ones that cause so much trouble between my wife and I. Back when they needed rides to and from school everyday they never had a problem with me at all. In fact they told their bio father that I was more of a father to them than he was. The trouble began when they started driving and no longer needed me. And since that time its progressively gotten worse over time, and now find myself going through a divorce. I tried everything to bond with the twins and nothing has ever worked for me. So I finally got fed up and starting avoiding them completely which was easy since neither of them live at home anymore. But that only made my wife grow to resent me as she seen me as dividing her from her girls. That's not what I ever intended to do at all. And I had begin to resent her too since she allowed their ridiculous behavior toward me. Which has led to a very unhappy home to say the least.
I feel the root of the problem is my wife because she can not confront her girls in any way shape or form. But she made a promise to me before God saying she would love honor and protect me. The girls didn't promise me anything but their mother did so I feel it's her job to not allow them to treat me mean rude or indifferent. It doesn't seem to me that the blame is put where it should be by most people. It's not the sk fault what they are doing is natural for most kids. It's the parents fault for having kids that they allow to get away with everything even being disrespectful to other people. Since our trouble is twins you can imagine they team up against me. If one gets mad I can expect a cussing from the other twin.
Trying to stay away from mean sk is great for your own peace but can truly damage a marriage or even destroy it. I can get cussed out and my wife still sees them as the victims and make up some of the poorest excuses for them. I'm at my wits end and given up hope seeing a future with my family. I feel I've done nothing wrong and I'm the only one that's ever tried to resolve the issues. But my wife only sees me as the problem and like I'm trying to come between her and her girls.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Mostly verbal insults and put
Mostly verbal insults and put downs. They love to tell me this is their moms house and not mine. When they did live here when I came into the picture but we refinanced the house to put the, through college and I've worked hard to pay for it. Just any little way they can sneak a punch in so nobody see it then they do it. I've had shoes thrown outside. My toothbrush has been messed with and completely came up missing for awhile (I kept the one I used hidden once I thought it was being messed with) But the worse thing they have ever done was to hurt my daughter just to get at me. And it worked!!! My daughter got completely left out from something the girls was doing. My daughter woke up and seen she had been left behind. I very politely told them that my daughter had her feelings hurt from not being included. She assured me it wasn't on purpose and that it wasn't that big of a deal. But turned right around and done the very same thing the next day. I was furious. Told the wife about it and she took their side yet again. All that was said to them is you don't wanna be that kind of person. I raised cattle and owed my own lawn care and bush hogging company but complained saying I didn't have a real job. The list goes on and on but that should give you some idea of what I've gone through.
We have already been to see a
We have already been to see a couple different ones already. But the thing is she doesn't want anyone to know the mean stuff her twins do or the fact that she don't correct them. She was completely dishonest with them and made excuse after excuse to cover up all their wrong doing. Said I was too hard on them when I've never even tried to tell them what to do. Said I took them wrong and I was reading too much into it. She even said I might be out to get the girls. I've even tried talking to her mother the twins grandmother about the issue. It was clear to see that she had been badly misinformed and I was made out to be the bad guy. I've tried everything I can think of and I can't fix anything by myself. So I'm getting more ok with a divorce everyday just hate to break apart the two young girls. They are close very close. They even call each other step bestirs. I'm at my wits end and can feel a change in my heart. Nobody should have to go through the hell I've been through. It's lonely having so many against me and I wouldn't wish this on anybody.
I’ll post what I posted from
I’ll post what I posted from your other posting on Advice Needed for Dealing with Adult Stepchildren in reference to this:
This is actually somewhat accurate, "Trying to stay away from mean sk is great for your own peace but can truly damage a marriage or even destroy it." And, I actually think in some ways that is the point of disengagement. It is s last ditch attempt of sorts to save the marriage. Your spouse is not treating you as a spouse should and is letting his or her children of all ages, walk all over you. That is not a marriage. Who wants to be in a marriage like that!?, where one does all the giving and the other all the taking?
So, the thought is maybe if I disengage from SKs, avoid them, etc., I will get the peace I am looking for, AND hopefully my spouse will at least, at least support me in my avoidance of them and somewhat understand.
Unfortunately, in your case, your spouse could not even do that. My armchair interpretation— you are a very nice guy who got involved with a selfish woman with selfish children. They want it all, including you being their cabana or servant boy and catering to their every whim. Otherwise, you’re the bad guy.
As hard as this is for you, you are actually coming out of this the winner. Your ex-, as wonderful as you may think she is, will probably find another victim for her and her girls. YOU, on the other hand, go find a woman who gives to you as much as she gets from you.
P.S This is also true: "It's the parents fault for having kids that they allow to get away with everything even being disrespectful to other people."
The divorce was more of a
The divorce was more of a mutual thing that we agreed to. We have talked about making one last ditch effort to save this marriage by seeing one more therapist. But I don't wanna waste my time if she's not gonna be honest. As far as everything else that we deal with we are able to communicate and problem solve like we should. And this is the only real issue we have ever had that we just can't get past. She is a wonderful wife other than this one major issue we don't agree on. But with respect we don't have to agree to work out a compromise. Right? idk what it is about the twins but she treats them better than her own youngest daughter for some reason. She will hide money from me (so she thinks) and buy them stuff and even pay their bills. She knows I don't mind to help anyone but I don't wanna pay the bills for them. I've asked my wife about hiding money from me and she denied it over and over for a couple of months until I finally showed her my proof. Then finally she confessed. I may try one more counselor but then again my hopes of anything changing at this point is pretty much gone. When I try to talk to her myself about the twins she becomes very defensive or becomes completely quiet like I'm wasting her time. But no we have never been able to have a good healthy talk concerning the twins it quickly becomes heated and never does us any good. When I try to make her answer a direct question such as, why does she treat the twins so different from everyone else? She only says idk. She knows she does wrong but it seems that she just doesn't care. This is our only issue we have ever had in 10 years of marriage and it seems like such a quick and simple fix to me but may very well end our marriage.
Thanks everybody for the kind
Thanks everybody for the kind words and advice. It really helps to know I'm not alone in my battle. I'm a fireman also and the buzzer is ringing so ttyl.
I am trying to wrap my head
I am trying to wrap my head around this one. He actually never said much of what you accuse him of saying. Extrapolation is certainly a thing but I think your advice took it way too far. Sometimes not only is a straight line the shortest distance between two points it is sometimes the only way between two points and there are no straight lines in your extrapolation.
As for IDK being a viable answer. Nope, never is it a viable answer in a relationship. IDK ends more marriages than anything else IMHO. IDK is manipulative, dishonest to the point of being complete lying bullshit, and it definitely is a significant part of what ended my first marriage. IDK motivates pulling teeth (figuratively) with repeated deep dive questioning from the person who it is being spouted to. All it takes to avoid it is an actual truthful answer. One of the surest tells of liars and people with something to hide is IDK.
Not letting my XW get away with IDK is what finally led us into counseling which actually worked very well to improve our relationship until the therapist peeled the layer of the onion that bared my XW's adulterous black soul. It is funny how as long as the therapy process did not force her to address her "sins" she was fine with it but when the spotlight hit on the truth she bolted out of a session never to return. Though I thought it was tragic at the time that was my moment of true freedom. I think Snowman is at that point in his marriage. His wife avoids the truth and shuts down in counseling. A sure sign IMHO of something to hide.
"Why do you treat your twins differently or better than everyone else?" That is an honest question driven by years of experience from a person who sees the pain the behavior causes not only for himself but others too. IDK is bullshit as an answer to that question. Why not actually answer? "I feel that you and others are too hard on them." Short, sweet, and drives discussion while IDK is avoidance, dishonest, and inflammatory horse crap.
I wrote his wife off when she stole money and repeatedly lied about it. If only I had this much clarity when I was navigating the demise of my first marriage. I should have written my XW off after the 1000th IDK rather than getting sucked in by countless thousands more of them.
Now I will extrapolate. What I see is a man investing everything he has, his heart, his soul, his labor, into this marriage with a wife who does not reciprocate his investment. He is open and has no secrets. His wife is manipulative, subversive, and not present in the marriage beyond what she can get away with ripping from his soul.
I would love to hear from her XH to compare notes with Snowman's experience with this woman.
I believe he is far better off pulling his equity out of the house and forcing the sale if necessary, moving on, and leaving his blessedly STBX to live her decisions and let the twin succubae suck her dry. Sadly the two youngest girls will be the ones to suffer. The X and the twins will likely cackle and celebrate over the divorce and Snowman will move on to eventually find some jolliness in his life with this woman and her twin toxic spawn in his past rather than consuming his soul.
Just my therapy layman's thoughts and opinions of course.
Thanks for your insight sueu2
Thanks for your insight sueu2 but I have tried hard not to come between her and the twins. I encourage them to go out shopping and buy them things. And I'm a very approachable person and consider myself a pretty understanding person. So to say that I'm the problem is ridiculous. Like I've said from the very beginning all I ask is to be treated fairly and with some respect. That's not asking too much from anybody especially your spouse. Anyone who allows their child to disrespect others is not doing that child any favors at all. I'm not a demanding person and have sit down to talk to my wife with tears in my eyes several times because it hurts to be treated different than everyone else.
You seem to have all the answers and read way too much into the things I say just looking for a way to turn it around to be my fault. It's a different king of love people have for their children. And I don't expect very much at all. But respect is something every person should get from everybody. Even if you do not like the person you can still be respectful to them. For you to get that I'm not so innocent and I'm the problem, maybe you shouldn't judge so quickly until you actually do know the whole story. Respect is the only thing that I expect, everything else should be decided on with my wife because that's how a family works.
In my experience, evil twins
In my experience, evil twins just egg each other on. I think it is a unique bond they have. My twin SIL's are now 50. Their late mother (DH's mother) warned me they "live in a world of their own and can magnify each other". I didnt fully comprehend what she meant until after she died and was no longer around to referee their bad behaviour. They now daily stir up trouble among their 5 other siblings, their spouses and their adult kids. I observe them from afar, but they are being slowly ostrasized from the extended family.
Snowman, I feel your pain.
Snowman,
I feel your pain. IDK ended my first marriage. In my opinion it is a sure sign of lying, dishonesty, and something to hide.
The good news is this. The divorce is already in progress. I would commit to that and give your shredded soul a break from this inadequate partner and her hell spawned twin succubae. I understand that you love her. I loved my XW too. However, sometimes we make the mistake of loving people who are unworthy of that investment and make the further mistake of hanging on way too long.
Give yourself a chance at a happy future. Let her go and invest in yourself for a change rather than flushing your heart, soul, and labor down the drain that she and her twins represent.
Take care of you, take care of your daughter, give yourself a chance at a new life adventure. A man with your drive, work ethic, and commitment to service has many things to look forward to and there are any number of honorable women who would be thrilled to know you. Women who are honest, know very clearly how they feel and what they want, and who have not produced and are not controlled by hell spawned succubae twins.
Good luck.
Thank you Rags for your kind
Thank you Rags for your kind words and great advice.
Yup. What Rags said.
Yup. What Rags said.
Thanks everyone for the kind
Thanks everyone for the kind words of encouragement. Even you too sueu2 I do appreciate you taking the time to respond. But it reminds me of an old saying as I was reading what you said. And that is opinions are like a##holes, everybody has one, but some of them stink. But it's really nice to hear that most everyone agrees to end the toxic relationship and move forward with my life. The only thing I've been hung up on was this is our only real issue in 10 years and it seems like such an easy fix to me. But apparently not for my wife. This site has been a saving grace for me and it helps to know I'm not alone. There are lots of couples that are dealing with the exact same issue. There is never any reason to ever be insulted or degraded by anyone else, and the ones that make excuses for their owe children doing wrong is toxic. And it's a lot of the problem with this country today. Way too many victims and not enough people taking responsibility for their own action.
This site is a wonderful
This site is a wonderful place to come when you are not certain; it has been a big influence in my life. It has kept me grounded as well as given me direction.
Good luck moving forward!
I feel badly that you are
I feel badly that you are going through a divorce. That is common where a spouse is torn between his/her biological children and his/her spouse. It's simple to me; choose your spouse.
Snowman, I can totally
Snowman, I can totally sympathize with your situation. My DH and I have a good marriage, except where it comes to the issue of parenting. Like most here, I have lost a great deal of respect for my DH because of the way he allows his kids to treat me. He wouldn’t allow anyone else to treat me that way, but he just won’t stand up to his kids. Here are a few things I have learned, and am still in the process of learning that have helped keep me sane and saved our relationship.
1) Try not to take skids behavior personally. I know this is really hard to do when disrespect is being aimed right at you, but my skids (and it sounds like these twin monsters) treat most people like crap. Their parents have allowed it for most of their lives, and so they think everyone should tolerate & simply accept their nastiness.
2) Some people have a favorite kid (or set of twins). My DH and a few other people I know clearly have a favorite child. It causes a lot of discontent and dysfunction between the parents/siblings. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT get involved with this issue. You will never fix it, you can’t help the other siblings, just stay out of it, you will end up being the bad guy.
3) Sue2u was right about one thing, people don’t like to listen to anyone badmouth their kids. Your wife doesn’t want to hear what you have to say about her twins. Trust me, she already knows they are aholes, but she’ll never admit it to you. The more I complained to DH about skids, the more it drove a wedge between us and pushed him towards them. After finding this site I quit talking to DH about his kids. I stopped asking what was going on with them and quit complaining about anything that had to do with them. Then something magical started to happen. DH started to see his skids awfulness on his own. He started to complain to me about them. I never join in, I just nod my head and listen until he’s finished. Even though I want to scream, YOU raised these brats!!
4) This is the hardest one to accept, but it was truly the key for me. Your wife is never, never EVER EVER going to make these twins act right or be respectful to you. It’s just not going to happen. Stop wishing, pleading, hoping, it’s NOT GONNA HAPPEN. I would talk to my DH til I was blue in the face explaining how skids treated me and how it made me feel. He would even recognize their behavior and say he understood how I felt. But my DH will never do anything to change it, and neither will your wife. It hurts. It’s not right. I make my kids respect my DH. But no matter how I feel, it is what it is. Let that ship sail. You can’t control your wife’s choices, you can only control yours.
Once you realize all these things, you can then make an informed decision, do I want to live the rest of my life in this situation? My solution has been to disengage, still learning & practicing each day how to handle this. I have compartmentalized my brain. Skids and their drama go in one compartment, a Pandora’s box if you will lol. Lid stays shut, lest their evil escape. My DH and I’s marriage is in a separate compartment. I cannot let the poison of skids compartment seep into my marriage compartment or it changes how I see my DH. DH and I had it out last year at Christmas. I explained to him how I felt and told him I understood how he felt towards his kids. I told him I just had to let any kind of relationship with skids go or it would ruin our marriage. He can spend time with them whenever he wants, I attend things when I feel like it. DH pouts every now again, but we move on. Your wife has to be willing to accept your disengagement, or it will never work. It’s not fair for her to want you to maintain a relationship with these twins if she won’t intervene in their behavior. I would think she would be glad to separate her relationship with them from her relationship with you. Then she doesn’t have to listen to you complain about them, or them complain about you.