NM...you are NOT imagining this. It's how you really feel what could be more honest and true? Just because he enjoys his own children does not mean that you need to enjoy his kids the same way. You are correct...perhaps if there was a little distance things might improve. You might not necessarily MISS SS but at least it would be easier to tolerate him if he wasn't demanding so much of your husaband's time. You should NOT be forced to hang around with SS ever if you don't want to. If this is taking up time on your weekends alone with DH I think you need to send a message to your DH about this. I think you should try disengaging. If DH has no interest in hearing your concerns and believes you are "making it up in your head" then when SS comes over, make other plans. Seriously, go get a pedicure or go to lunch with a girlfriend or something when SS visits. It sounds like he wants to spend time with daddy alone anyway...give him what he wants. I'm not suggesting you put distance between yourself and DH but if he isn't understanding your concerns then I say...just don't be around him and his son, you don't HAVE to spend time with anyone you don't want to. As far as your own son not being able to visit...that is unfortunate and I wish I had better advice for you. It sounds like your son is responsible and well adjusted....good work! It's amazing the differences in parenting on either side isn't it? You have raised a smart, successful human being...that's wonderful and you have a lot to be proud of in that regard.

It's too bad that their mother passed away (no matter how much of a witch she may have been she was still their mom) and of course there is a grieving period no question, but that doesn't mean that you have to step in again and be a surrogate mother after the way they treated you for years. If SS is 30 now and it was 3 years ago that BM manipulated them and caused friction between you and the kids, that means that SS was 27 at the time and believe me he was more than old enough to make his own decisions. If you would have been talking about a 5 year old I would understand but the fact that they are adults...no excuse for them turning their backs on you. You have every right to feel the way you do. As other people on here have said and will continue to say...you are NOT a doormat. You don't deserve for anyone to treat you poorly. You have done nothing wrong, you love their father and you married him. If they are in their 30's and STILL have a problem with their dad being married to another woman...they have major issues that have NOTHING to do with you. They should seek some professional help with this, especially now that they are grieving the loss of their mother. I understand the need to be connected to your parents, especially when you have lost one but they need help moving on with their lives. SS is 30 and is married...they need to begin their lives and do whatever it is they choose to. SS should not be randomly stopping over to say hi, he needs to call first. I am 30 and I ALWAYS call the MY parents' house before I visit. It's impolite to walk into someone's house without checking in. Maybe that's just me but that would be the expectation of my children as adults. It doesn't mean they are not welcome it just means that you have a life with DH and it's YOUR house as well as his...they need your permission as well. Others on here would also tell you that you and DH need to be a united front otherwise...those skids walk all over you and you have no authority in your own life. It is a recipe for disaster.

It's ok for DH to spend time with skids of course...but he does need to check in with you and he needs to make you feel that your marriage comes FIRST if it really does in his eyes.

I'm sorry you are going through this...I am struggling to understand how adults can act this way. I don't know how I would be if my parents divorced, but I can officially tell you that I love both of them so much that I want their happiness and whatever that may be...it's what they should have regardless of where that puts me. DH's relationship with them MUST change because it is healthy and normal for it to. You have a different relationship with your adult children than you do when they are babies, when they are 5, when they're teenagers etc...it's not healthy to believe that the dynamic is never supposed to change. It's creepy.

If DH doesn't respect your feelings and allows his kids to not respect your feelings, then maybe it's time to fire up the Winnebago and take a break from them. Go see your son for a long weekend. Tell DH you'd love to use your vacation time to do something with him, but you feel forced to use it to get away by yourself, so unfortunately there won't be any vacation time left over to spend with him. It will be a good test to see if he misses you, and if so maybe he will be willing to set some boundaries with the kids.

I'm writing a few days after the fact but I hope you get this reply. I am sorta in the same situation. Except I have 2 SS (both married) they are 26 and 28. The 28 yr old has 3 kids all under 3 and are extremely hyper and the parents think it's ok. So, now as the SDIL says "we want to come invade your house" then she smiles. They all go behind my back to make plans with my husband because I don't give them the answers they want. They try to control my schedule and I put my foot down with them. We are really busy through the week and my weekends are quiet time. I have a 22 yr old married daughter with a well-behaved 2 yr old granddaughter and I have a 14 yr old at home. They are from a previous marriage. Now my husband is saying they should be part of these gettogethers whether at SS houses or here. I am 47 and going through menopause. I suffer from migraines and I really don't do noise well. I told hubby go by himself to their homes. If I'm in the mood, I'll go. He's a very angry husband and loves control and he especially doesn't think there's anything wrong with them imposing on my life with all the noise. I have come to the conclusion though like wicked said take a break and go somewhere. I have friends that live within 2 hrs that I plan on visiting more frequently to get away. I know I will come home to my husband being angry. Our whole marriage has been painful bcause of his abusive ways. But I vowed 2011 is going to be diff. and I am setting some boundaries. That's what all step parents have to do to an extent to keep our sanity. You can only love those kids so much and they keep disrespecting you. It's time to do the things in life we enjoy. I do craft shows and am starting back to school fulltime in May and have told them I will not be available much after that. I was a single mom for a long time and worked all my life to take care of my 2 children. NOW IT'S OUR TIME FOLKS. TAKE A STAND EVEN IF YOU KNOW YOUR SPOUSE IS GOING TO GET ANGRY. WE NEED OUR PEACE OF MIND BACK. I don't know about you, but I was really happy in my singleness and am not afraid of going back to it. We can't keep letting children - no matter how old they are - step on us. That's not what the step in step parent is for. Let's pray for each other and keep our chins up. Get strong, be brave and try not to let it upset you. they are not worth losing sleep over.