This is One for the Books
Hi all! Last year, I hosted my 51yo stepdaughter & her 2 daughters 17 & 14 (my step granddaughters) for Thanksgiving. Not only did I decorate the entire house for Christmas - my tree has special ornaments that we've collected from all over the world - I love Christmas and my hubby knows this. Okay, back to Thanksgiving, I went all out for a traditional meal as I love to cook and it's something I'm good at - they live 54m away - they show up almost 2h late which we know what happens to a 16lb turkey. I get "our alarms didn't go off", blah-blah excuses, they bring nothing not even wine, then pick at the food, don't help with dishes or clean-up. I just smile and remain positive as does my hubby.
Their mom leaves them with us for the weekend. The girls are fascinated by our Xmas tree. Let's just say we did lots of things with them - rolling skating (we are active seniors), pizza, shopping, movies. On Saturday night after a very active day - they both go up to their guest rooms at 6p and don't come out again until the next morning. I offered a huge breakfast - no takers. We drive them home and it's a silent car then we get there and we don't even get a thank you.
Fast forward, when I take down our tree - I super organized & have a place for everything (I have little rolling bins with labels so I put everything where it goes). I notice that some ornaments are missing - a couple of hand carved wooden miniature violins from Italy and a French wine sign. I mentioned to my hubby and he thinks I may have buried them in the tree. Nope, nowhere to be found. Should have addressed then and there, we let it go. One of the StepGD was beginning the violin and loved the ornaments. We had no other visitors in our house from TGiving until after the tree came down.
So here we are in 2023 and it's tree time again - just so I know I'm not crazy - I unpack every ornament thinking perhaps I missed something. NOPE - they are gone. I don't want to accuse, but I'm really hurt. I have never, ever taken anything in my life (when I was 5yo and we traveled across country, I took the little soaps from the hotels we stayed at - mom gave me a spanking so I never did it again - made an impression). Had they asked I may have parted with them, maybe not. Hubby finally texted his daughter to ask the girls if they "borrowed" some items - we've yet to hear back.
At Christmas every year since their birth, we've always asked a month in advance what they want or need, and we've been generous. There will be no Christmas gifts or gift cards this year. Realization has hit hard that they want nothing to do with us just like their mom (she calls when she needs something like money). WE moved here because my older hubby is showing signs of major memory loss and I wanted him to get to know his grandchildren before it was too late. However, he now realizes that he doesn't want a relationship either and we are just afterthoughts. My hubby is very kind, very generous and has always been there for his daughter. She, in turn, never calls, he does the calling and the entire call is her complaining about her life, her job, etc (ME - ME- enough about me, what do you think about me?) - not once asking about him or us in general. I hurt for him. But, I want no further contact from the 3 of them - it's the only way I can keep my good spirit, happy heart. Thanks for letting me vent here - it's a safe space - and I appreciate whoever reads this little rant of mine. Happy Holidays All!
I'm so sorry this happened. I understand how upsetting
I'm so sorry this happened. I understand how upsetting it would be. They are teenagers - old enough to understand how what they did was wrong. Given DH's memory issues and his selfish daughter, do you have all of your legal and health documents in order? She sounds like the type who would try and take advantage of the situation.
I'm Way Ahead of That Game
Thanks for the support. Oh yeah! We have wills, but we did Codicils to our wills right after this Thanksgiving (we hadn't heard from his daughter for an entire year until we got a text for a Happy TGiving). In the original will, I get everything & we had the granddaughters receiving sums. With the new codicil - I get everything and no other familial benefactors whatsover if he passes before me - he's 15y older than I am so he wants me to have everything. We talked about leaving them money - his daughter thinks she's getting everything & has alluded to this thought - nope not one red cent - he's that done. Hubby told me to travel, enjoy life because we worked hard for everything we have, and I'll be around a long time - my mom is almost 100yo. My codicil leaves everything to him if I pass before him, but with the stipulation that no funds pass to ANY familial benefactors. When I am a widow then pass away, all assets are to be sold and divided into 4 equal parts going to 4 global charities - no familial benefactors at all - all of my siblings are much older. I'm not leaving one thing to my SD or SGD, not after the way they have treated their D & GD.
As a widow, my plan is move overseas for 2 years so I can travel the world. When I'm done, I'll decide where to settle and live a smaller, but enjoyable life filled with fun, friends, good books, good health, great wine & food! Happy Holidays!
wills plus
You have wills, but do you have financial and health care powers of attorney? You want those to be sure SD can't insert herself into the decisions that need to be made when one spouse is ill. Button everything up tight.
With DH being older, and having memory issues, you might want to run everything by an elder care attorney. Many, if not most, people with memory issues end up needing some type of custodial care. You need to be aware of the Medicaid rules where you live. In some cases a trust is the way to go.
Is there a reason why you did a codicil instead of a new will? When we redid ours we were advised to do new wills instead of doing codicils.
Thanks
I'm already have these items in place and organized in a binder. and things in place. Yes, a codicil is just an amendment to the will which is specifically worded to not leave anything to chance in regard to benefactors. It is a witnessed, notarized document and it costs me nothing to do one vs. redoing a very complicated will. Our wills were done by our estate attorney in VA who also did our trusts, and everything was meticulously done. He was a great attorney - I miss him. Well, aware of Medicare and custodial care as I also take care of my mom who is 98yo. So I am busy :). Thanks for the input.
You also need health and legal power of attorney for each
You also need health and legal power of attorney for each of you. Also directions for end of life care.
Thanks!
I already have all of these.
Be prepared for her to
Be prepared for her to challenge the will. I'm so glad you will be going overseas--the best place to be for a couple years!
No challenge at all
She won't - she's afraid of me. Frankly, I'm just tired of trying to be a friend, to be kind, to be helpful - I just want my hubby to be happy and not let her steal his joy. He finally has seen the light and is adjusting - like he said, "How can you miss something you never had." Words to live by. Have a wonderful week.
DH has gained wisdom.
How can you miss something you never had? ... Indeed.
Of course, you shouldn't.
Sadly, many spend much of a life time doing just that.
Good for you for cutting ties
Good for you for cutting ties with the jerks!
I don't blame you or your
I don't blame you or your husband one bit.
I applaud when a parent is strong enough to let go of the rope, instead of chasing ungrateful brats who want nothing to do with them unless it's monetary.
Write them off, and don't
Write them off, and don't lose any sleep over it!
This Christmas
A fast dinner in a restaurant is on order as not letting them in your home. Ever again
As I was reading this, I was
As I was reading this, I was thinking, "F that!" and was so relieved when you said you've written them off. Horrible behavior! Have a great Christmas this year! (I am so happy that my DH's grands live hours away!)
Lucky You
We relocated from the east coast - Virginia - to the mountains of Colorado to be close to them, but that's not working and it's been almost 2 years. We'll be fine and enjoy life without the crapola!
One of those "do what I say not what I (may) do" things.
If anything, kids should move near aging parents and not the otherway around. If moving to be near family is a choice. Not one I agree with unless it is not related to being near family. If being near family is a bonus, make the move. If it is the reason for the move, don't waste the time and resources to make the move.
That said, I am thrilled that my younger brother recently moved near our parents (dad 81, mom STB 79). He did not make the move to be near them. He made the move to take a COO role with a company with a corporate office in the urban area where mom and dad retired to. They retired there because both of their son's and their families were there when mom and dad retired. A great place to live, but... mom and dad much prefer farther West.
DW and I may move back to where my brother and his family and our parents are. And yes, if we make that move the move will be primarily to be near mom and dad though we also prefer it farther West. I truly hope that we have mom and dad when we retire. Though that is not likely. If they are gone, we may go back there to be near my brother and his family. We are all pretty close and there is nearly zero toxicity in play.
We will not move to be near our son. His career has another likely 30yrs+. His career also moves him regularly so chasing him is not our retirement dream.
So, do what I suggest, not what I will likely do.
I can relate.
We also moved to be closer to adult OSD and the gskids, but found proximity only exposed the rot that had always been under the surface. I've learned if the father-daughter relationship isn't strong and healthy, the one with the gskids isn't likely to be, either.
Previously, the relationship was pretty superficial. We only heard from OSD when she wanted $omething, and only saw her and her blended brood at gift giving events like Christmas and gskid birthday$. After the move, it became clear we were in a one-sided relationship and only considered a re$ource to be tapped. The more we gave, the more OSD wanted and the less careful she was maintaining much of a facade about it.
After two years of her snubs and greed, I hit a wall and made it clear I was DONE. This upset DH and his sisters, because it was my emotional labor that had always kept things going. Pressure was put on me and I was considering divorce, but after DH had to deal with his narc daughter without me as a buffer, he soon was done, too. The SILs tried to scapegoat me and manipulate DH - even BM came knocking, trying to broker peace, but their pressure actually pushed DH and I closer.
These events basically blew up the family, and included OSD cutting us off from the gskids; predictable behavior from the most hateful, entitled, and highly narcissistic person I've ever encountered. She wanted to hurt us, and she did, but failed to consider how her father would react: OSD has been disinherited.
It's been over a decade of estrangement; we've healed, tightened our circle, and have peace.
Same here sister!
Your singing to the choir - it's just a challenge and you handled it well. Our situations are very similar. I'm glad you both saw the light, found each other, and are happy. We will be fine, and enjoying life. It gets old quickly when you hear the same excuses, same issues all the F'ing time! I'm an organized, responsible person and handle my life differently - never had a lot of issues because I took action. Hubby had to reach his own point of no return and he did. It was nice to get his support when he told me that I shouldn't have put up with this crap. I felt bad for him losing a familial relationship, albeit small, but as I said to another poster, he told me that he can't miss something he never actually had. Glad you are happy and we will get there too. This site has been a godsend the last several weeks - never knew it existed - it's better than therapy!
How Sad
Well as Rags likes to say "sh!t begets sh!t".
Its sad for me to see Husbands daughters slink off without a backward glance, yet the eldest Feral Forger, blames ME for "taking away her dadee". Saying she hasnt had her dad "since clove came into our lives" and all that entails. Im like, WTF??? I have actually organized a get together with her and dadee for her bday a few years ago.
He calls and texts, shes always "busy". She rarely reaches out, except if she needs $omething (thanks ex julie ) like money or a ride, or moving labor.
Making one's own life is best
Making one's own life is best IMHO. Whether the parent kid relationship is close or not.
If it is close, independence makes the interface far better than chasing and sniffing the butt of a kid or a parent. If the relationship is not close, the benefits of independence are obvious. The greater the characterless stench on either or both sides, the more unpleasant the butt sniffing, coddling, worship, and chasing.
If the effort is not mutual, and the relationship is not mutually respectful, don't waste the time, happiness, or personal wellbeing.
I guess Im lucky
lucky that FF doesnt pursue hanging out. So Ill take it!