I don't really have any advice for you, but I will tell you this. I used to have a huge problem with this. SD and her mother would only call my husband when they knew that he was still at work. I told him that it really made me uncomfortable because I know that at least the mother really did have an agenda. He agreed that he would no longer take the calls at work and just sent them to voicemail then he would call SD back when he got home at night.
It sucks, it really does. I wish I had some words of advice I would give you.

It is hard, I want to know everything and frankly it just drives me more nuts knowing. Its better that I just don't know. You will get there. I'm having some troubles too still. Its really all getting to me. Just keep trying.

How much do you really want to know? In my case both husband and SD26 lie about when they talk, when they meet and if I didn't pay the cell phone bill I would believe them. I see the calls on my cell phone usage online daily. I had a wonderful father, we were close but not obsessed with each other. Not knowing is only eating you up but some day we all have to deal with the truth to be able to make rational decisions about where we really stand. I will not tolerate lies, I didn't from my own kids, I find it the worst trait in any person.

I too used to have trouble not asking my DH about the phone calls he gets from 28SS. He takes them in front of my and I try not to listen cuz I know whatever he talks about will just tick me off. If I ask DH what they talked about he gets annoyed telling me cuz its stupid stuff and he knows I will make comments about it. I have always felt like an outsider with my DH and his skids. My DH doesn't tell me everything about the skids cuz so much of it is crap and I think he is embarassed to share it with me. Now that I have truly disengaged and don't care about skids and their lives I don't feel like we are divided anymore. Not sure if that makes sense but I guess since I don't care about them I don't care what they say to my DH on the phone or in person. I don't feel like they are a threat to my marriage and my life anymore so I don't have the urge to ask questions regarding them whatsoever. It has taken me a long time to get there tho ~ almost 11.5 yrs. So patience is obviously a good thing to have in this situation. Sorry

Hello Everyone, I just found this forum today.I had no idea how many people were struggling with SD issues. It's good to know I'm not alone.It's been roughly three weeks after a malicious stunt was played on me by my SO's adult daughters. We recently cancelled our June wedding and decided to take his 3 adult daughters (31,27,25) and their spouses on a short vac. to my summer property. (I was still wounded from the events that led to our cancelling our wedding.) On the last night of our trip just after dinner my fiance gets a text from an unknown number stating "you have an adorable darling grandson" after several comments of "who the hell is this" followed by his adult daughter smiling saying "you know who this is, you know who this is" a name was mentioned by his other (also adult daughter) that it is "linda , you know Linda" I completely forgot about this woman. She had dated my fiance for a mere four months during a short break up we had 6 years ago. My heart sank and tears began to burn in my eyes. I realized "his adult daughters" that I thought cared for me had contacted "Linda" on facebook. I also discovered it was "his daughters" that reached out to her WHILE we were together on our weekend away, at MY home. I have finally stopped crying. My question is , how do I ever spend ANY time near these "mean girls" . They are his so called "darling" daughters who obviously hate me and have victimised me in such a hurtful way. I was truly blindsided by this stunt. I tried to contact the daughter that initiated this stunt but she has refused my calls, texts and emails. The "oldest" daughter who "I THOUGHT" was a sweetheart had commented to this woman on face book that "she was always a fan of hers!) I am heartbroken. I have been nothing but kind and generous to them.
My fiance and I were trying to resurrect out wedding but now I'm not so sure. How could I possibly marry into a family that would do such a mean stunt, at my home no less. I value any and all thoughts. I have 3 children of my own. They love my fiance however my daughters (22 and 15) always thought his daughters were judgemental and bit''''. Sad in South Carolina

I'm so sorry these girls were so mean. Truly disgusting. I have been around my skids who all are adults with children of their own for 13 yrs now. The first 11.5 yrs were great but things have been bad for the last 1.5 yrs. One of the things I have figured out is this - the girls are and will be angry at ANYONE who becomes serious with their father. Thus, their behavior is not indicative of what they think of you as a person its just that you stand between them and their Daddy and the possibility that Mommy and Daddy could get back together again (like that's gonna happent NOT). So do not take what they do personally -yes, I know hard to do. If you proceed with marrying your fiancee I would say do not do things for the skids and their families. Be pleasant to them but do not go out of your way to be nice and kind. It will get you absolutely nowhere! If the skids are good kids then until they get much, much older and their children are grown they will not understand that their darling daddy did not abandon them and YOU are not the root of all the problems. If they never figure this out they will continue to try and cause friction between you and their father. If you don't show that you are bothered by whatever they do they may get bored with the situation and stop. They do this kind of stuff to get a reaction and to be noticed by their Dad. Fortunately for me my DH eyes are wide open to how his kids are and that they are the one's with the problem not me so he and I have a solid relationship. If that is not the case then obviously the situation is much, much harder.

Thanks cm. I think I made things worse by texting the daughter that initiated the nonsense and calling her action a "mean girl stunt". I feel isolated now and shunned. I am heartbroken .

I'm so sorry you feel heartbroken. I know that feeling very, very well. Yes, by texting her you responded exactly the way she wanted you to so that she could hurt you. I know it is hard but you have to tell yourself not to respond to them when they do crap to hurt you. I tell myself not to respond to the nasty emails or make comments when they use to say things on FB. Obviously, it isn't your initial reaction! When someone is doing or saying something hurtful to you or DH you want to respond back. But I found that responding back would just encourage them to do more, say more hurtful things. If you don't respond to what they say or do they don't get the reaction they wanted and realize they can't get to you. I believe that over time they will slack off because it won't be any fun if they can't get you to participate by reacting. If you can do this it will help you so, so much in dealing with your SDS.

I too am sorry to hear about this childish, disrespectful stunt. I also agree w/CMWolfe. I have a SD (27) and when I moved in w/her and DH she was not only mean-spirited, selfish, and manuplative, but she was always sullen too (considering the fact that she has a pretty good life). She did a lot of crummy things to me and would never comply with what DH and I asked. At this point, we have a better relationship, but we'd never go to lunch or shopping together.

SD would do things to me just to aggravate me. The minute I stopped reacting (this took some time), things changed. Now she doesn't waste her time. DH has also said he was sorry he didn't get her counseling because BM had issues and wanted to put her out so DH took full custody. I also recall her being angry at DH right after we got married. So she has issues.

Bottom line don't give them the power to control your emotions because they'll continue to do just that with more foolishness. They want to run you off. Stand your ground. If you love your SO, proceed with your plans. Your relationship will be w/SO . . not SDs.

My SD doesn't have the same kind, loving qualites that my husband has. But my relationship is w/him not her so it really doesn't matter (especially if she's the one with the issues). I've realized that SD will never have a seat at the head table in my life, but it's ok. I've accepted it. But I love DH very much, and I'm glad I married him.

Good luck.

Dear cm and Shannon , thank you for Your input. I really had no idea how difficult sd could be. Your words are comforting thank you. I do love their father I didn't realize this was war.

Lovingmom123 . . if I can make your path easier, it's a wonderful thing. We're here to help each other and in the scheme of things that's what life is really all about. We have enough stuff/people pushing us down.

This is a war, and if you stand your ground. You will win. Once they think you're a pushover, they'll realize they can control you to the point of ending your relationship with their dad. Don't give them the power or satisfaction.

Finally, it's just a matter of time before your SO sees their true intentions. My DH was so hurt when SD started acting out. He realize that even though she told him she wanted him to be happy, her actions spoke the real truth.

And my MIL (dear as can be) encouraged SD's BM to step up and try to improve their relationship because she felt SD was too attached to SD and she knew it was causing conflict in our marriage. SD wanted to push me out, but I was going any where. I beleive in karma and SD is getting married next year. It's going to be interesting. DH agrees.

So says HE is on pause. Any wedding plans are also on pause. It is because he does not believe his daughter did this that it was purely poor timing. I wasted 6years with this man. I am hanging by a thread emotionally. How do u stop loving someone . Wow I am absolutely heartbroken.

Lovingmom123 - you didn't fall in love overnight, so it's going to take some time to get over him. Let things cool off and try to talk to him after he's calmed down. I'm assuming that he's uptight that you're accusing his daughters of doing it intentionally . . as opposed to it being a timing issue. Thus what's the big deal? Is this how he feels?

How can DH overlook such a callous, malicious act by his daughters? Any one can clearly see how inappropriate and disrespectful it was.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Here's a hug

Thanks for the hug Shannon. Goforit great idea. I will definitely add that to my tool chest of how to navigate this. I underestimated how really mean adult skids are. Maybe I don't want to marry . It sounds like it will be a life of heartache. I enjoy ALL your thoughts. I wish I had something to offer. Sadly I'm still a mess from all their crap. Thanks guys!