need to vent
I’ve been with my husband for 3 years. It’s just me and him and I enjoy the peace. He has 4 kids (18, 19, 22 & 23). I feel annoyed every time they visit. They’re messy, imposing & barely acknowledge me. I moved into their dad’s house (when we married) so when they visit they act like this is their dad’s house. A few times 2 of them asked him to move in (of course they never bothered to ask me too). I had a standoff with hubby and told them “no they cannot move in!” After a week of argument he caved and agreed. And they are such a financial burden, always taking turns needing something (car fixed, wants dad to co-sign for car loan - I had to put my foot down and told him no again!)
When they don’t call or come over it’s so peaceful. But I have anxiety knowing they can call and say they’ll stop by any time (usually every other week cuz all 4 lives in same town). And sometimes they come on different days that same week. I wish they live further away so I don’t have to deal with the frequent visits and constantly asking for money (we give regularly during Christmas & birthdays).
I have no bond with them & resentful that I have to constantly give money to 4 kids who aren’t mine! Just a matter of time before one of them ask to co-sign a car (again), wants money for a down payment, wants new phone, etc it’s always something and they take turns! I’m always made to feel like the bad one having to say no (if up to their dad would always be yes).
Ever since I’ve been with their dad, not once have I ever gotten a happy mother’s Day text, merry Christmas text or happy birthday text from any of them! Yet when they need money, they come running here! I live in constant anxiety who is gonna stop by each week asking for money!
My husband and I just make enough money to get by and pay bills. And I would like to try to save a bit here and there as opposed to handing out the extra money to them!
Just need to vent. They’re giving me money anxiety!
Sorry To Read This, But You & DH Have To Get On The Same Page
here, or it will only snowball.
And by the way, if he says and does nothing to dissuade these behaviors, he is the enabler, and in effect THE PROBLEM. The kids are symptomatic.
Like many of us here, we do not receive cards, texts, or any other acknowledgments, and are by all intensive purposes, we are perceived (by SK's and often DH's) as interlopers in our own marriages. The number of years you've invested are irrelevant, as some have been at this for decades, while others are novices.
The take home here is, DO SOMETHING to get your DH on board, or stand by and suffer for decades to come.
Please know I realize with perfect clarity that just because you talk to your DH about it, he may or may not hop on board the husband train. If you put forth the effort, you will get your answer one way or the other by his response, and actions, or lack thereof.
Separate Finances and Responsibilities
Keep putting your foot down about them moving in. In most cases it is a complete disaster. Separate your finances and create a joint account where you pay in the same amount each for household expenses only. Insist DH pay into the joint checking account first, his retirement fund second, then he can pay everything for them with what is remaining.
As far as them visiting all of the time, organize things for your husband and you as a couple so you won't be available to have them over or tell DH you are not up to it. Make a deal with DH: You will clean up after your family / friends and he can do likewise. Get used to not receiving cards, gifts or messages from the skids but be reciprocal about it. Let DH purchase all cards and gifts with HIS money, and he can text them for their birthday. Don't put up with any sh*t.
^^^^EXACTLY THIS!
^^^^EXACTLY THIS!
Separate your money and don't pick up slack so he can give them money.
I feel for you
I had the same thing with my skid24 but at least there is only one of him, you are dealing with 4 of them with their hands out. I couldn't imagine.
My husband was the same, the only reason I can even say "was" is because skid decided to have a narc fit and stop talking to his dad. It's been the best and peaceful 4 months and counting ever.
The buying them everything is
The buying them everything is ridiculous and I don't blame you for being bothered about that.
But I've been with DH for almost 10 years, my SS19 likes me, and I've never gotten a Happy Mother's day, birthday or Christmas text. I'm not his mother, he's not my kid. It's not realistic to expect that. Them being civil and respectful is all you can ask.
And make sure YOUR money isn't going to fund them.
10 years and you don't get a
10 years and you don't get a happy birthday text? I think that should definitely be an expectation - it's about adult skids being polite to their fathers wife. Pretty simple really.
I'm not his mother. He doesn
I'm not his mother. He doesn't owe me anything, and he doesn't know when my birthday is. I don't text him on his birthday, either.
I do not agree at all with that expectation. Not wishing someone a happy birthday doesn't make them "rude". He's polite and civil to me in person, and that's all that matters to me. Don't set yourself up with unrealistic expectations.
Wow, just wow..to me human
Wow, just wow..to me human common courtesy should be expectated of all people, and shouldn't exclude skids.
Wishing someone a happy birthday or merry christmas is not an unrealistic expectation and I am sorry that your SS has never taken the time or interest to even find out when your birthday is after all these years - that's very sad.
Oh please. He's 19. Do you
Oh please. He's 19. Do you honestly think he would remember anyone's birthday? He's celebrated it before when he used to visit. My teen/young adult nieces and nephews don't wish me a happy birthday either, and I don't expect it.
You are setting yourself up for a fall if you expect a 19-year-old skid to remember your birthday. I think it's totally unrealistic at that age. My 61-year-old brother doesn't remember it either, unless his wife tells him.
I don't find it sad at all, because I don't expect it from him. I expect him to be polite and civil and he is.
Whatever works for you - we
Whatever works for you - we clearly have different value systems.
Well, based on your blogs,
Well, based on your blogs, you have a terrible relationship with your skids, and I have a good relationship with mine, so maybe you should examine whether your "value system" is working for you.
Being hurt because a teen boy doesn't remember your birthday will just cause you stress.
I haven't written any blogs.
I haven't written any blogs.
To be honest I find you insult a lot of members here, and I am not sure what you are trying to achieve by doing that.
I am not going to comment further.
Thank you for your inputs
In addition to these 4 moochers, hubby also has an older brother (in his 60’s) that’s constantly broke and constantly asking for handouts. WTH!!!
Thank you for all your inputs and for letting me vent. I wish I know a way to alleviate the anxiety associated with them. This is my 1st week on here and been reading.
Your money should not go to
Your money should not go to buying them anything.. your husband is only allowed to give money to them AFTER his obligations to your household are met... and THAT obligation should include saving for the future.
I don't mind they don't send you cards etc.. you came late in their lives.. and if you are just "dad's wife".. fine.. with no expectation of a close relationship.. but then... again.. I don't buy people I am not close with gifts..lol.
I have to constantly give
I have to constantly give money to 4 kids who aren’t mine!
Separate finances ASAP and why on earth are you constantly giving these 4 kids who are not yours money???
I also advocate when living with someone to get a home together instead of the "moving in with them" scenerio, especially when step kids feel a sense of entitlement to that home because they live/lived there and their parent owns it. They tend to feel you have no say or right in that home although you are the wife.
You and H just scrapping by while supporting 4 grown @ss kids is a hell NO and a hill to die on for me. Put your foot down or do something to change your current situation that benefits you.
Move out
If possible find a new home, that you two own TOGETHER.
I had a similar situation when I first began my relationship with now DH. If I changed anything Feral Forger would have a major hissy fit. She acted like she was the boss of everyone. That entitlement happened because during the separation, the skid was elevated to adult level.
As to the money thing - DH and I have separate finances. When he pays his CS or SS it comes out of HIS checking. If he wants or needs to buy something for Munchkin SD13 it comes out of his checkng, not mine. I dont know how it works with 4 kids! geeze!!! Because Munchkin is ALWAYS wanting SOMETHING. An Ipad for drawing that she hardly uses, a new violin, new clothes, new shoes, new haircut, new lamp for lizard, new earrings, etc. And she has 2 bio parents and me buying fo her. SD20, Ive completely disengaged, but DH sometimes gives her money. Hes pretty frugal and tied up with expenses, but Im definitely NOT contributinga pennie to that toxic Narcissist.
Lock him up financially. Have a HUGE talk with him about finances. Do you have wills? Get that in order. Do you have life insurance policy? Get that going. If he cant save, get a life insurance policy that doesnt exprire, so he has something for retirement, or an IRA. If he doesnt have extra he doesnt have extra to give away (his extra is locked up in cds or bonds, or ira...)
But DH really needs to address how they are treating you. Thats apalling. SDnow20 used to walk into a room and ignore me. I was naive at the time and knew it felt bad but didnt know what to do about it. The thing is, its not for us to do, but our DHs must step up to the plate and parent their children.
Is bio mom around?
Totally understand
I have 5 SKIDS between age 20-30 and they are CONSTANTLY in need of SOMETHING and their dad does not find a problem with that. Shit- if I could go to someone else everytime I “needed” something I would go for it too! Why not get a new car if someone will hand over the down payment, right? In my marriage there is a real lack of communication about the kids bc admittedly, I am anxious ridden when trying to address it and constantly procrastinate each conversation about whatever new offense has been committed. I really actually like my SKIDS but I do not feel the need to take care of them. It is my husband who hands over funds not me, but I still have a problem with it bc we also live pay check to paycheck. This means there are never any savings, no vacations, no new appliances when broken; it’s ridiculous. Best thing I believe you can do is have that difficult conversation about how things need to be for your comfort and sanity. This is after you sit down and decide if you are going to be capable of living with things NOT changing- bc your husband may very well say things will change and then let them continue happening. If you don’t see yourself going on like this, and separation is a real possibility if things don’t change, I would be clear in telling him that. As I said, I have not been able to bring MYSELF to this action but I believe it is going to have to happen in order for me to have any chance at long term happiness with my husband. They are adults, they need to grow up and stand on their own two feet. Learn to live without until they can do it themselves. Good luck to you!