Narcissistic Personality Disorder

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I can not Thank you all enough. To know I am not alone. I honestly did not know what to call my step daughters behavior. Until NOW !

Another suggested I start a post so I will try and clarify some of the orignal.

To give a little background, she has a child already natural birth, almost 8lb. @ birth.

My breaking point... was last tuesday. She called DH and said they were going to do a c-section. She told him that she was to small to deliver natural and the baby was breech and the doctor would call her back that night. So later that evening she told him that they were going to schedule the c-section for April 9th. Claiming when DH said it would be hard for me that this was the only day she could do it to have the doctor she wanted. So, as the week went on she slipped up saying that she has no way of knowing which doctor she will get, umhhh ok ? Then she told DH that the doctor said that if she started to go into labor the baby would be in danger of not making it. Then why are they waiting a week I asked DH ? For which he didn't care to even try and come up with a reason.

April 9th is the day I myself lost my daughter due to a still birth. And, even though it has been 24yrs., that day is very hard. And, to know that and schedule a c-section for that very day, then condeme me for not wanting to have to deal with anymore than just getting through the day, pissed me off. And, as far as her Dad yep, I am the bad guy, God forbid I not praise the nut case.I know many that have had scheduled c-sections and they did get to have a pick if the date was an issue. Not that it would help much, but if it were a natural delivery or emergency it would be a bit easier to swallow.

Almost 9 yrs. ago we had a daughter together, and it started a little while before with her antics. She first would go after my son.I never could understand why she had such a hatred towards him. Then one day she was sitting in the living room talking and said that she could remember when her Dad showed her a picture of him and said about I had the cutiest kid he ever saw. BINGO, I knew right then by her tone that is what her beef was with him.

3 months prior to my due date, I was admitted with serious health problems. They did not know if I or the baby would make it. During the whole ordeal and me being an hour away from our home. I got to hear how he could not stay because his daughter was afraid to go in the house alone, she is crying. Just to be clear she was a senior in HS. She doesn't want to stay at a friends, so he would leave. The day before they took her, the nurses told him he should not leave. That due to my condition it would be a spur of the moment choice to take the baby. He left because of her. I got to go through hell all alone. No, he didn't make it to be with me for her delivery. He may have had he not had gone to pick her up and then come, because she was whinning she didn't want to ride over with my parents. Two weeks I spent trying to manage my son then 8 at home, and DH and the SD. The night before our baby could come home, he swore he'd stay. SD did not want her to come home, she wanted us to wait until after the holiday to bring her home. He sent my parents home giving us his word he would stand up to her and stay. Well,I had to have my Dad come pick me up the next day with a 3 month early baby in tow to deal with all this.

Needless to say, I feel like I have been in a living hell most of the time. Sure I manage, but this last stunt I don't think I can get past.

I know that they twist things to make us think we are nuts when it's them, BUT I mean how do you get past this ?

Every year now for my granddaughters BD, I am going to have to either die a little more or have a huge blow up to try and keep what sanity I have left. And, my little girl that is caught in the middle of this mess. Her sister, her sister's kids, I mean I see no way out. I do not trust this girl at all. If I leave my husband how do I protect what she sees as a threat, my daughter. How do I keep her safe ?

I am sorry for any spelling mistakes or for being all over the place. I'm just so alone in all this and there has been so much and right now it's so raw it's hard to put it out there.

I could really use the feedback as to how any of you would handle this, with the baby. Or the whole mess really. But, right now I need some feedback to help me stand my ground that I am not the one being unreasonable.

Any advise would be so helpful. Thanks !

Really feel for u. Do you

Really feel for u. Do you usually do something to mark the anniversary, such as go to the grave, or what? Is DH involved in that process?

Thank you for suggesting I

Thank you for suggesting I start this post. This is my first time here, and out of desperation I was searching the net for answers or advice. I am so glad I found this site. I don't feel so alone and isolated knowing others understand and having my hurt validated. Thank you !

No, I can not even bring

No, I can not even bring myself to go there anymore. It just seemed to make it harder. For years now I just try to keep myself busy, spend time with my kids. Sure there is always the tears that fall, but DH knows it is a day that I just need to have a little space. I mean I go to work, keep busy, but the evening I just want that time to have to honor her memory and my loss.

Past years he has just ask what I needed, busy things or time alone for a bit. And, that has been great. But, this and his attitude, I am reeling to say the least.

I am so sorry DOri. I know

I am so sorry DOri. I know that pain too well and I swear to everything HOly if my SD does something like this, her life would be hell from that point forward. I would make it my business to be sure of it.

Hang in there.

Dori, I bake him a cake. Every year on his birthday, I bake my sweet little man a birthday cake. I don't let SD participate. Its for me and dh. Dh insists she be allowed to have a slice (the next day), but I refuse to allow her to have any on the day of his actual birthday. I even put candles on it and sing to him, but not until she is in bed.

That is a very great way of

That is a very great way of honoring his memory. My ex and I use to go the her grave, but it was just to hard. I did not want that imagine of her being there. It was easier when we split and I quite going. I could just do whatever that day to mark it. Say a prayer and enjoy time with my kids.

I do go to his grave, almost

I do go to his grave, almost every week. In fact, I don't think I'll ever be able to move because the thought of leaving him is unbearable, but everyone is different. Weird because I don't go to my brother's grave for the same reason you don't go to your child's grave. Grief is different depending on the loss, too. Many hugs to you.

smdh- I wish I could get past

smdh- I wish I could get past it enough to go, honestly. Even though I know why I can't bring myself to go, I carry that guilt with me that I don't. How everything happened with her birth was an ordeal. And, there is so much other than just the lost of her I have to deal with regarding that day.

Your right we all cope different, as long as we cope, that is what the important thing is. Hugs to you also.

No need to feel guilty, Dori.

No need to feel guilty, Dori. Meghan is in your heart and you carry her with you all day, every day. Where her body rests is not where "she" is. I, too, have more to deal with than just the loss. Its a lot to carry around and its even more when noone is carrying that load with you. Big hugs

I feel so bad Its so mean

I feel so bad Its so mean of her to pick that date and she is doing it on purpose!!

I know how hard it is, my sister lost a baby boy about 2 weeks before her due date. When I was pregnant with BD, my due date was the date he died. I prayed she would not be born on that day and luckily she came a week early. She never had another baby and it is still hard for her.

You are not being unreasonable at all. Its very mean and selfish of her. I can picture my SD doing something mean like this. Its disgusting!!

Thank you everyone, you have

Thank you everyone, you have no idea what it means to know someone understands.

smdh- the sad part is she would not even notice. I swear this girl has not one feeling in her. Unless it serves a purpose to benefit her. And, I really don't want to stoop to her level, as much as it cuts me to the quick.

imjust...- I feel for her. And, I am sure you would agree, if you were told they were going to schedule a c-section, and said that day, would you not have asked them to please pick any but that ?

I would never ever pick that

I would never ever pick that date or anything close to it!! When I realized my due date, I didn't even tell my sister what it was. I lied to her about it but I told my mom. You can pick your c-section date. My other sister had 3 of them and purposely changed one of the dates so her daughter wouldn't be a gemini!! She's a little nuts but they did what she wanted.

That is what I mean. A normal

That is what I mean. A normal person wouldn't. She could have lied about the date. But, no she was more than happy to announce it and keep bringing it up.

She is a stupid and

She is a stupid and insensitive girl. Your DH should have said something...but like mine (DH remains silent). Doesn't want to make waves. It wouldn't matter if you told her how you felt - she aims to make you feel bad. You stole her daddy. That is what I deal with everyday with one of my SD.

I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry for the pain you have to endure. Go visit the grave before you do anything else on that day - and tell the SD, when the time comes up, that this is how it will be from now until the end AND DH will under no circumstances come alone to this grandchild's parties until you and he are ready to attend TOGETHER. (cause she will pull that well you can come afterwards crap). Don't even leave this to DH to tell SD - you do it when the time is right.

I think that is what is

I think that is what is hardest for me to get past. His unwillingness to be a man when it comes to her. But, anyone else he would flat out tear apart.

I am torn in that I understand it's his Gchild, and he wants to see her and that I can accept. Regardless of the day, it's not that babies fault who her mother is.

Your suggestion as to GD's BD is good but DH does not have the balls to stand up to her. I honestly think he is afraid of her. I on the other hand just want her out of my life.

hypovic- I hear what your

hypovic- I hear what your saying, but she sure fits the bill for it. And, I can't even wrap my mind around a person not having a serious mental issue doing this. Pure evil, if she isn't NPD.

It's not like we are mean to each other. I keep to myself sometimes just easier. And, it is obvious she has issues. But, hell I helped her with her first child. Had a baby shower for her, and bridal shower and reception. Helped with her wedding. I have never treated her bad. Not at anytime gave this girl a reason to be so cruel to me.

It is nothing but pure hate and not deserved. And, the fact my DH, even tries to defend her, is sickening. When he can't he asks what am I suppose to do. No one treats her good. She has been through so much. She didn't mean it the way your taking it.

Well, you can't explain this. You can not defend this wrong. And,if DH is such a spineless ass, he will buy she had no say, then he is as guilty as her, IMO.

I am so angry because he brought her in my life. And, he allows the behavior, and by not standing his ground and letting her know it's not ok, he encourages it. That is how I feel.

JUST TO UPDATE: Today our

JUST TO UPDATE:

Today our daughter was sick so we went to the doctor. She has a sinus infectioin. No biggie, but she is only 8 and still needs that cuddling over when she is under the weather. DH, came home, walked back the hall, then I guess left. Not a word. DD came out for supper and asked where is daddy ? I said I don't know. I looked outside and his car is gone. Huh, what a F**** asshole.

I could care less if he speaks to me right now. Frankly it's hard to look at him. BUT, to treat DD like she did something wrong.

I should say that since we can't discuss anything regarding this without him attacking me that it's my problem not SD's. I wrote an email today and sent it. Guess he read it. Didn't get a reply, but his actions are enough I will assume he feels his pouting shit attitude is going to make me give. Well not this time.

HERE IS MY EMAIL....
I think it's needs to be clear that, I am happy for you and **** and *****. And, like I said I wished them all the best, still do. And, I fully expected you to be supportative it's your daughter. And, that I was fine with.

But, why you choose to handle things the way you have is beyond me. I only asked that you just have enough respect for my feelings about 9th, to help me get through a very difficult day by holding off on mentioning anything until today. I figured you would go to the hospital and had no problems with that either.

There really was no reason to mention it to ***** so I get bombbarded the second I walk in the door. One day would not have made an difference. Or the call at lunch when, I am trying like hell to keep busy and keep my mind off of things. Or the second I hit the porch to start with it.

The comments regarding don't be mean to the baby are an insult. Your total attitude towards my feelings frankly suck. First I did not have a choice, **** choose knowing what that day is for me to go and schedule her c-section. My hurt over this day is way before, and not something I can change. You can say all you want she had no choice, but you are lying to yourself. She could have asked for a different day, it wasn't an emergency, or a natural birth. There were choices. And, with that being said, I still wished them the best and just ask don't throw more at me. But, even you couldn't have that kindness.

Then there was the deal with ***** has to stay at the hospital. Frankly you have a very short memory pal. There was not one night that you stayed with me or your daughter, even though I was in not good shape and she wasn't either. WHY, because you had to go home because **** didn't want to stay anywhere else. Fuck you weren't even there for me when I had her. Why? Because **** did not want to ride with mom. So you had go get her and wait for her and then head over. And, all that I have tried to get past, and pretty much said ok push it down and move on. Can't change it now. But, I am the bad guy if it feels like salt is being rubbed in an wound. Are you really that heartless that you can not for even a second step in my shoes ?

Honestly, I feel I am the only one that even considers the other sides feelings. And, I am so tired.

Have either of you even bothered to take a second and think how this is going to effecct this family every year on her birthday ? Or is it just to fun for you both to piss on Megan's memory ? Honestly ***, I wrote you this email, because I don't know if I can even look at you, little lone speak to you. The man that is suppose to love me, support me, can't even understand that my daughters death is something that will never get easier. Sure I can get past it, but that day will never lesson. That pain is something you can never even imagine. I don't want your sympathy, just a little respect towards me and my daughter's memory. So I have a hard time that one day a year, I am not going to apologize to you or anyone for it. I am not going to feel bad and be made out to be some horrible person because your all so clueless.

So now what ?

Well there it is. And frankly reading it now I think I need help. For the hurt this blackhearted thing has caused and the fact he has allowed it, I think I was too nice.

I think it was too nice, too.

I think it was too nice, too. I am so sad for you Dori. I truly am. The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing that my dh will listen and hold me no matter how many times I go down that sad road of thoughts. Your dh has put his kid before you in so many big ways. And now he is showing that she will also come before your dd. I hate him for you.

I feel the same. The so

I feel the same. The so sorry, I love you just doesn't seem to help. Or the what do you want me to say.

The turn around today with the I forgot to tell her the 9th was the day. And, then the I didn't want to stress her out. All any of us was thinking is breech and c-section, and the baby. More less taking full blame and feeling he was removong everything from her. That was almost as bad as this whole frickin mess is. He didn't have anything to say but, I am sorry that is on me, I'm the ass, not the kids. Her husband he claims knew nothing until last night.Now that is the only thing he said I can believe. He didn't really have to much to say when I freaked and told him, who the hell are you kidding that baby was not in any kind of danger. Or they never would have waited a damd week to take her. I really thought my head was going to explode!

He swears he did not mean to disrepect Megan's memory, but I am in awh... that he seems to truly feel he didn't.

I really feel so alone sometimes in this. I have no one here or close that has been through the loss of a child. So, knowing there are people out there that DO get where I am coming from is about all that is keeping me sane right now. Thank you for all the support.

That me be part of the

That me be part of the problem here. The child I lost was not to my current husband. It happened long before I knew him. But, DH would get so pissed when my EX would call to be sure and remind me. He did it at times just to be an ass. But, it burned my ass that he felt he need to remind me.

Your SS reminds me of SD. Her first child was planned so she could try and as she put it "rain on her parade" regarding her husbands sister's wedding. She was so angry that they were planning it a year and a half before. And, where it was and so forth. She wanted to be sure she took away from her day. I thought what a spiteful bitch. And, even told her that her feelings weren't right. Then she turned around and made the girl the god mother because they have money.

This pregnancy was planned more so to start to try and ruin another wedding and have people more talking about her new baby than the bride. Which is her Aunt. And, I think when they changed the date and it didn't work out to do that, I got caught as the unlucky one that she could focus one. I in no way think from day one that this was her plan. I think it was next best when she realized she could stick the knife in. And, now of course she is the injured party, the poor me. makes me sick how this bitch no matter what she does no matter if you can show it black and white, some how gets it turned around to serve her purpose even more.

Honestly, I thought of staying just to piss her off. I know nothing would make her happier than getting Daddy all to herself. But, she isn't worth it, and I just have to believe that at some point he will wake up and that resent will surface, if he ever admits to himself what he let her cost him.

Dori, I am very very sorry

Dori, I am very very sorry for your loss.
I have a narcissistic in my family. I know that this is hard to believe, but that birth date probably doesn't even register in her self centered life. If you are a narcissist, you don't have normal empathetic thoughts so for her to even imagine that day causes you so much pain is probably beyond her. You are thinking like a normal person. Don't give her that much credit. Unless a normal person told her, "hey, you want to do something else mean to stepmom? Pick this date." she wouldn't think of it because she can't empathize with anyone . It is all about her.......You don't exist. You are nothing to her trust me!
I am sorry your present DH was such an ass to you during your own delivery and hospitalization! That is absolutely ludacrist! Now, THAT behavior by her was WAY narcissistic!
Hugs dear one!

I think finding that term

I think finding that term NPD, is the only thing that saved me from going over the edge. Not that it lessons the pain she caused me. But, it kept me from getting in the car and driving to the hospital and smacking the living daylights out of her. And, it did cross my mind.

I made it clear, I don't want to see her. And, if they decide to put her in my face, I am not responsible for what happens. At this point I really have nothing to loss. And, I told DH I do not want her around my daughter. It's not like she really has ever bothered anyway, which is fine by me. But, I made it clear, that I won't back down on that. DD can see SD's son. DH can get him and bring him by, but her I do not want in my house, my life, or anywhere near my DD.

Thanks everyone. It has

Thanks everyone. It has gotten even worse. I really did not think it possible, but here we go.

Dh is claiming now that SD knew but, did not remember when. And, all they were thinking about was the baby not how can we screw me. And, my conspirisy (sp) theory is just nuts. He never told them until last night that she had her on Megan's BD. SO, he is saying today.

Well, that sure as hell does not make it better, or to hear I am so sorry about the date but what am I suppose to do ?

I think I could stroke out I am so mad. And, I am trying like hell not to let my 8 yr. old know how horribly wrong things are. I took my wedding ring off, just dropped in on his lap, and told him, I am done. I am taking full physical custody, and I will not allow SD, contact. If any very limited. And, that is about all I can muster to update right now.

I do feel so badly for you,

I do feel so badly for you, this is my SECOND marriage where there are stepchildren. The first wasnt so bad, THIS time with adult stepchildren it is is a NIGHTMARE.

So, from the first and the last the BEST advice I can give you is you can write and say ANYTHING you want. HOWEVER, if you get divorced you have no choice in whom your 8-year-old sees when not in your home. It sucks, it doesn't seem fair, but it is the law.

Something that I learned from first stepkids mother, and my mother reminding me of this is that I needed to KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT AND LOOK LIKE THE NICEST PERSON ALIVE TO MY CHILDREN. Say nothing derogatory to your child, etc. The child WILL FIGURE IT OUT. You start saying things you will end up the "bad guy" . . no matter what!

I don't blame you for walking away and being done. Sometimes we just need PEACE in our lives, and don't date anyone that you do not know or that you would not consider marrying. EVER. Decide what it is you are looking for and don't settle for less than that. I am not talking riches, I am talking personality, etc. Lust/love gets confusing, THINK WITH YOUR HEAD!, when considering anyone in the future. If you need a counselor FIND ONE. To them you can vent. At home be the LADY AT ALL TIMES.

What your husband did during

What your husband did during the delivery (pick up his HS dtr) is just so wrong. That would be the hardest part for me to forgive. I'm sorry!

It is and things like this

It is and things like this bring it right back.

Yep, he is. I wish no ill will to the baby, that poor thing is a victim in all this mess. And, bless her heart she has to grow up with that bitch.

Well, this bitch just won't

Well, this bitch just won't stop. It has been days since DH and I have even really spoken, spoken. My son came home for the week-end from college. DH asked if we could all go out to dinner. BD was going to my mom's since I am working in the am. I agreed. He actually seemed to be making an effort to get along with my son. And, I have to say dinner was not so bad. I think for the first time this week, I felt as if I could breath a little. I heard DH on phone tell SD that he wanted to try and at least talk and maybe get dinner.

So, like I said not too bad. We had a normal evening for a little bit. Then when we got back, the text messages started. OK, whatever. So I am just sitting there minding my own checking out my fb page. AND BAM !.... The bitch posted pictures on my wall of the baby. Here I am scrolling back up my page and I catch the edge of pictures, then bam there it is I see her icon. I can honestly say I didn't really even get a look, THANK GOD ! But, the nerve of this bitch ! knowing the shit storm she has created she has the nerve to post to my wall!

I slammed my laptop shut, DH asked what was wrong, and I told him he could have at least warned me that she was posting pictures to my wall. seeing how they were just sitting there texting! He said he didn't know. I get up and walk out of the room. My son told me that when I left the room, DH asked him what the fb thing was called she would have put it on. He told him and said he texted her.

So, about an 1/2 hour later I got my laptop and went to go back to talk to my friend that just lost someone very close to her. Yes, SD's picture post was gone. But, the fact the bitch had the nerve to post it in the first place burns me to no end.

DH announced he was going to bed. I went back like I have every night since this happend and got my pillows and put them in BD room, since she isn't here tonight. He comes over and says "so you still can't do it huh ? " I said do what. He said sleep in the same bed as me. I told him ya know what...this evening wasn't too bad, then she had to pull that shit and bring it all right back up. He got upset and said not to take ot out on him. He told her to take it off my page. Then goes on to say she didn't mean anything by it. She wasn't thinking. i told him you know when are you going to fucking see her for what she is ? It takes a second to hit the key to hide it from a persons wall. So don't fuckin tell me she didn't mean it.

SO, I just decided enough. I opened my FB and made my post. I changed my post status so she could see it on her wall. I have had it set for a long time that she can not see my posts. because anytime I would post a BD to a male friend she would text DH and ask who this person was and say I was talking to them on fb. Honestly after I did that a lot of petty shit with him stopped now that I am thinking of it. Any how, sorry for rambling.

here's the post...
I am disgusted by some people. They have no feelings, are heartless ,cruel and seem to get joy out of trying to destroy others happiness. They wreck families, and never bat an eye. Then when they know the troubles they have caused they keep going with it. Honestly, you need help. You have serious mental issues. NOT ONE, normal person that knows what you have done can understand your actions. I feel sorry for you. And, knowing what your selfish mean spirited actions have done to MY family, you post here then pull it. Enjoy yourself , you are not worth another thought or moment of my time. I have tried I am done. As far as I am concerned you don't exsist.

If my parents and neices and nephews didn't read my facebook, I wouldn't have been so nice about it.
She is never going to stop is she ? I don't think there is ever going to be a way to really dis-engage from this witch.

Yes there is and you are

Yes there is and you are going to do it! Why don't you have her blocked on your facebook? You are not going to react to her anymore! She wins if you react! She then makes it look like YOU are the one with the mental problems! She drove another wedge between you and your hubby. THAT is just what SHE wants. Put up a tiny note saying "she wins". It will remind you to not let her! Don't react!!!!! She is dead to you. You may have to put a tiny dot on your finger that stayed there for months like I did. The dot reminded me she (in my case "they") are not invited into my day today. This is my day. Keep looking down at it if you find her entering your thoughts. Re-read disengaging on here. Read Step Monster. Your mental health is worth so much more! You have to be present for your own children. It will get easier.

Oh yeah......no more facebook postings re: her. It will come back to bite you in the ass! Everything you write will be used against you to make you look crazy! You are not. Remember that!

AMEN! Don't get her to make

AMEN! Don't get her to make you 'react'! EVER. You are in control of your actions, just about the ONLY thing you can be when you have stepchildren!!!

Above is right, YOU react to her HER nastiness and it will make you look bad. Weird how that is, others around should be able to SEE that she is trying to get you to react by hurting you. Do your BEST to vent to the right person, find someone who can and will LISTEN so you can get it out. It hurts, there is no doubt about it at all. I truly DO understand. You HAVE to stoic.

Narcissists like my adult stepkids? They FEED off of it when I get upset or hurt in the past. They just LOVE it! I have learned to disengage and look like I simply don't care. That is something they DONT like to see, me not showing emotion one way or the other. ; )

I second that. And, reclaim

I second that. And, reclaim your own bed so that, if you want to be separate, ask DH to sleep elsewhere in the home. I am currently doing that with my DH as part of my latest disengagement process and HE is the one that is not in the marital room, not ME.

Thank you both. No there will

Thank you both. No there will be no more fb posts to her and she will be deleted, completely there as well. As for my bed, I will be doing that. I just didn't feel like adding more to everything, when this all blew. I was thinking more of myself and what I needed at the moment. But, now I am focused more on the issue of SD and her behavior, and putting my grief out of it.

I know her stunt and my post is like letting her win. And, I am angry at myself for that. BUT, it needed done. I needed to do it. I was civil enough about it. And, I really needed it said from me. Also, better than a face to face, that would not go well. And, now I need to decide if DH is able to change and put this marriage first, or if he is going to continue to put her first. Then I will know better where I really go from here.

I will read the dis-engage and step monster.

Don't beat yourself up too

Don't beat yourself up too bad. In the last three years I have had ONE day I am not real proud of . . it took me TWO YEARS to get to that point. Blow? Oh yes, I so definitely did!!!! I would not do it again if I could do it over again, but it is what it is.

The last we had to do with them, contact, were some nasty letters we received. The letters I replied with? Not exactly nice, but straightforward and to the point. Even told her to "get over herself", that world did not revolved around her, and that she needed to grow up and take care of her own family and home. To her statement about how her father should love her unconditionally? I wrote (pretty much word for word), that he did love her unconditionally. But that doesn't mean that he has to agree with things she says or does, and that loving her unconditionally did NOT mean he had to be her "doormat". There was a difference.

HEHEHEHE . . . we all have to get things "out" every once in a while. But go FORWARD from here. You have all of us, and there are others I am sure locally. See if there are any local support groups? Sometimes always talking about it to close friends make us seem like a drag to them. I am LDS, so you could always try LDS Family Services if you want to find someone affordable to see. If they cant see you they will direct you to a good place for you.

Don't beat yourself up too

I am trying to disengage. It

I am trying to disengage. It isn't easy when it feels like everyone of them is cramming their wants on you.
DH appears to make improvement, but after a hour with SD and her kids yesterday the games start again.

I am trying to stand firm, but honestly just feel like leaving. I am still dealing with the pain my SD has inflicted and continues to try and keep it up front.

This shit sucks, I hate it.

For real has anyone EVER disengaged, and kept their marriage together ? Honestly, I don't see it happening.

All I am getting now is I have to face it and deal with it and be a part of this childs life. WTH ! Says who ? I made it clear to DH, I am fine as things are. I know nothing about this child, except her name. And, that I didn't need to know. I told him, no I don't and won't. So what does that ass wipe do ? Comes off with the guilt trip about how GS, knows me as grandma and it's his sister so I have to. Really ? Is that what all your admitting to things was about, you figure you can just say what you THINK I want to hear and it makes everything hunkie dorie. I hate being married to him right now.

Well, he can deal with his PIA daughter, I am done. I am sure that he is going to start to see just what a peach she is. Since she is relentless, I just dropped a line to her husband. I told him wish you the best but, I am out.

Why don't you just for now

Why don't you just for now tell him to give you space and patience. Say two months. I know you are really , really, really stressed right now. Been there and done that. That way you don't make any decisions about leaving him or disengaging. Right now, you have to take care of YOU! In the meantime, keep disengaging, this day is about you, tomorrow is about you , the next day.......you need some peace right now. I promise things will get better. We have to get you better first.

I have asked for space. I

I have asked for space. I also said I would hold off on divorce, just give me space. Honestly I am just freaking trying to hang on to my sanity, and pride. And, the respect of what that day means to me.And, the understanding I don't want it brought to the forefront every year months ahead. Which is what I am facing, not a great place to be.

Tonight she called because she was pissed, I told her husband that all though I am very happy for them,I can't be a part of it. That I hoped HE would understand that. I told him I don't expect them to understand my pain , because they can't, just respect it.

I only told him that because he sent me tons of pictures of all them and the baby, and DH at their place yesterday. SO, I figured ok, he has no clue she already did this and what it did. So, I nicely filled the clueless man in.
Well, she called went off on DH, and all he did was sit there and say I know, I know, I'll handle it. I kept my mouth shut but thought I was going to blow. And, yes after he hung up he was pissy again. Telling me how now he is getting it from her. How she is upset and they are cutting the kids out of our lives. If she can't come to our home then we won't see them. FINE... that is fine by me. I NEVER said I wanted to stop my DH from having a relationship with his daughter or her kids, just at this point leave me out of it. It is best for all of us. There is no reason he can't go there, that is what he has been doing.

She is bitching because what about Christmas, holidays, my family 4th picnic, for which she never comes until late and tries to ruin ever year, if she comes. Her BIL's BD is the 4th and they ask them to go there, so go there, leave my family get together alone. We only see each other once a year for crip sake.

And, handle it, meaning me ? Screw that, to me right now the bottom line is put the money where your mouth is so to speak. He said, if I can't be a part of his GD's life then we would work it out. That he loved me and he understood, and we would be ok. SO what's the problem ? SD crying so to shut her up I am to suck it up ? I think he reached his time of how much is your word worth. She has a family she is grown. He and I have a daughter together, that is also his family. His 8yr. old needs him, not the 27yr. old who created this mess. Problem as I see it, she meant to hit me where it hurt, she did, BUT it's backfiring now, because I refuse to allow anymore bullshit from her.

I guess the ball is in his court. There is nothing I can do. Try and muddle through and protect myself, and keep telling myself I have the right to feel as I do. I am not asking that they understand, they can't ,just respect me enough to deal with it.

Silence is a better weapon

Silence is a better weapon with this one.

Although I can totally relate to your thoughts and hurt and anger, that is one thing I can't do. As much as she has hurt me, I wish that innocent child no harm, she is not to blame her mother is for this mess. And, as hurt and angry as I am, I can't even begin to wish that on even her.

newwife- YOU, know.....you understand I know that. And, I am so sorry for your loss, also. We have a right to be angry, it is not fair. And, it was something we had no control over. And, I thank you, you have helped me more than you know. Because of what happened to our beautiful babies and that feeling of helplessness, when that memory is attacked, it triggers the self defense in us. I know myself I swore I would never be helpless like that again. And, thank you for helping me see, that is some of what is driving me. I am protecting myself, and rightly so. Not just in protecting feelings that are still very raw, but in ensuring I am not helpless, I have a say.

As for DH and I, I don't mention her, I don't ask about her. I have not once asked how she is or how she is doing. And, I don't plan on it. I don't really want anything but for her to be out of MY life. And, maybe selfish of me but I don't want her in my DD's life. I don't trust her, and I feel I have to protect DD as well. DH helped create the monster she is, he will have to deal with her ALONE.

My Megan was full term, I heard her last heartbeat, I held her in my arms, I looked at that perfect face, and I had to plan her funeral, pick her headstone. Like you I thought I was going to die myself, never have I felt so much pain. For me it was 24 yrs. ago the 9th. And, like you it hurts as much today as then. Sure I live, work, play, laugh, but that one day, that is Megan's day and my day. It changed me forever, when I came out of the fog of it all, I was not the same. Everything changed, my thought process, me very soul.

What I am really struggling with is how can I keep my family, DH and DD, and he still have his relationship with her and her kids. I don't want my name coming out her lips. I don't want her knowing anything about what I am doing, how I am doing, I want her to treat me like I don't exisit. You would think that would make the brat happy, get Daddy all to herself, no me or our DD around. But NO, that isn't enough. To me that proves how sick she really is.

She is sick and trust me when

She is sick and trust me when I tell you that your hubby is going to get sick of her bitching now that you quit engaging. My hubby finally got it. It took awhile but he gets it. They finally get tired of the same old bitching over and over. In the meantime, please take care of yourself and your health!

You have no idea how much I

You have no idea how much I hope he does get it. He got a dose he really didn't like. And, of course, I got the brunt of his feelings of distress. But, I held my ground. Now I am just taking it moment by moment.

I have no idea where we will land. Hopefully stronger and more in touch and in love than ever. But, then again maybe not. At this point, I am trying to get informed, get it out here, where I feel safe and understood. To learn from those that have been here, what worked what didn't. Just sorting through, trying to keep life for BD, normal. So far, that is the only thing that has not been totally upset. And, one thing we agree on, protect BD.

Funny though, DH has not mentioned BD, and taking her to see SD's baby. I think after those first two days, something changed that for him. And, BD has not once asked if or when she can see her. Or he is trying to respect me on his end, enough not to put anymore on me. Maybe I should go with that line of thought, until it's disproved, if I am wrong, lol.

Wow, you really read a lot

Wow, you really read a lot into things for saying I am assuming.

I don't even know where to start to correct you. I never said I wanted to cut my DH off from his grands and daughter. I said I was fine with him continuing a relationship with them, without me being involved. As for custody, yes I do, he already agreed to it, so why wouldn't a judge sign it ? He knows full well, I would NEVER EVER stop him from having a relationship with our BD. As for the custody end,for not really knowing everything you are taking quiet the stand for DH and SD, don't you think ?

WTH, reel in my emotions ? Who are you to tell me that. Why because I expressed to MY HUSBAND how I felt ? Are you for real, am I not suppose to be able to talk to him ? And, just how am I making it worse by being honest about how I feel anyway ?

Really I am not trying to be a smartass about it, but WOW, you act like she kicked my dog or something.

There is a history a long history here. And, you don't have half of it, just some. As for that day being hard hell yes it is, and always will be a sad day for me. I think your missing the point entirely. I did say I did not want to be part of anything that day , that isn't ok with them. Maybe they need to back off a bit.

As for shutting them out, I know what it means. I know it is final, and yes I am fine with it, totally fine with it. However my business needs to be off limits to her if DH and I stay together.

I will not back down from protecting myself. I have managed with Megan's death fine for 23 years. It has never been as bad as this year. Then again, that date wasn't thrown at me for months bringing it to the forefront for 8 months prior either. And, I sure as hell will not apologize to you or anyone for refusing to allow people to constantly remind me of something very personal and painful.

I asked for some space, and got slammed over and over. What she wanted was more important than allowing me a little time to catch my breath.

I thought this was a place to vent, so we could keep a calmer head. So sue me, I have reacted. Sometimes in the heat of it, and when your being attacked to try and protect yourself.

As for being to hard on DH, cut me a break. If he wasn't so spineless, when it came to SD and did some real parenting from the start we would not be where we are. Or if he would have the balls to tell her, what he feels. Instead I get I dont't want to upset her. Yea, ok....

No it's not rage, it's

No it's not rage, it's expressing how I feel. If you see it as rage, oh well. I am trying to get it out, so I can keep our talks at a normal calm level, and try and remove the defensive emotion that the heat of the moment brings. Yes, we have had a few blow ups. But, we also have had some calm and heart felt conversations as to this mess.

I sure didn't ask for this mess. I am trying to just figure out how to muddle through it and prevent issues in the future. And, that means being honest as to how I feel and why. No, they are not going to like it because to them my feelings seem mute. But, it is important that if we try to keep this marriage together he knows what I need. And, in turn I know what he needs to be happy. Look it's the SD and her actions that are the trigger here, and his non reaction to them. This just happens to be one thing that isn't a one time little deal. This is something that is going to come up every year. FOREVER, and I have the right no matter who likes it, to deal with that day however "I" see fit without the boohoo and bitching from some brat that will never get it or even try. Or from a husband that doesn't want to deal with her tantrums and expects me to suck it up, to keep her shut up.

As far as DH having wife #3, to fight me, that is laughable. I get along with my Ex's GF, just fine. And, his other two before her just fine. If we divorce and he meets someone new and she treats my BD like a human there will be no issues. My BS doesn't care for his dad's gf at times, and I tell him, he needs to show her respect, when he complains about them not getting along. She is good to him, what goes on between them is not his place to comment, plain and simple. Look it's not high school, if things don't work they don't work. A new wife, if we go our seperate ways is no threat to me.So if shock value was your goal, sorry I am more mature than that.

As for him being ball less when we met no, SD just never really showed her true colors until we were expecting our BD. A few years into our relationship, AND a bit to late to walk away then. She even said once, that at first she was happy he was with me because it gave her more freedom, but she never thought we would have a kid together or be talking about marriage.

If I remember correctly you are disengaged from your steps? Why is that?

You seem to have a rather hard stance regarding this, considering you don't have a dog in this fight. From where you sit maybe I don't appear to be dealing with it to your likes. I'll be honest, I am flying by the seat of my pants here. I could not have planned for how to handle this in my wildest of thoughts. But, I am trying to figure a way through. And, to do that you can't just look at today. You have to look ahead, too. Or you start all over again and again.

I read your RA post. And,

I read your RA post. And, honestly I relate to it more than I can tell you. Which puts a little different light on things, and some confusion.

Being a target of it, as I feel I am, I would think you could understand my rage as you call it. But, then again maybe it's through your expreinces, that your trying to help me avoid some of the downfalls you had to endure.

I was never step mom to SD, sure there were times she seemed to want to be nice. Only to turn around and twist everything and anything I said. It was more trying to find what she could use to make waves. And, I saw it rather quick. But, like you because I love my DH, and I know he loves his daughter, I tried. Regardless I tried, I knew it probadly wouldn't be appriciated, hell to her it was expected. But, non the less, I tried. Not just for DH, but also for me. I try to find the good in people. I try treat everyone no matter how they treat me how I want to be treated and respected. Lets face it some you just can't, you have to walk away.

Remove SD from the equation, Dh and I have a good relationship, believe it or not. He makes me laugh, and for the most part makes me feel loved. Just so happens that in this one issue between us, when I need him the most he is conflicted between his love for me and his love/obligation he feels for her.

I will give you this.....in your RA post about them turning it around, dead on. Has happened a few times. Wish I knew then what I know now and what I am learning now.

I can see where it may appear I have not given much thought, am angry, reacting, not thinking. I have thought of this many times. However I am slow in removong myself, and it's been better, until this. Yes the date is a trigger. A trigger because no SD has not come out and said, yea I did, hahaha... screw you. Lets face it, it will never happen. But, her actions are enough, she knew the date of Megan, that is a fact. DH, said,yes she knew and no how you might feel was not even a consideration to her. So to me that is enough.It is history I am going off of. A pattern that as one who knows what it's like knows you see, DH doesn't.

I didn't think I was raging at them by saying, at first, please understand, I can't be in that same hospital that very day. Or by saying, I need space, or being hurt for not getting it. Sitting here now, I set myself up for her to do more damage. And, she is giving it her all, too.

I will try and be very careful as to what I say before hand. I do understand your trying to help even if I misread at first. But, here I need to let it out to help me be careful. And, to be reminded I guess, so thank you for that.

But, if you wouldn't mind my asking, how do you do it ? Do you and DH, have a good marriage with the exception of SD ? And, knowing your her target, how do you not hurt everytime she starts to reattack ? I really feel for you. And, bless your heart if you have found a peace with it, and your marriage is good and working, I sure would like to know.

you have every right to how

you have every right to how you feel. i have had 2 miscarriages back to back since 09, and i had a stillborn daughter at 5 months on sept 14 of last year. my sd19 was so pissed when i was pregnant the first time i miscarried. when i miscarried, she was so happy about it. i'm in the front seat of the car crying and bleeding, and she's in the backseat giggling and playing grab ass with her bf. stupid bitch. she is now pregnant and expected me to be there for her. :jawdrop: i told her no, i will not be involved in this and i told her why. she doesn't know about the 2nd miscarriage or my stillborn baby girl, because after the way she and a few others acted the first time i got pregnant and lost the baby, we decided not to tell anyone until we couldn't hide it anymore with the next 2 pregnancies. the only person who knows i was pregnant twice more is ffil. (love that man). the people who were so pissy about not being told in person about the first pregnancy are the same people who never see our bs4, and they didn't bother to offer condolences after our loss. so wtf?

i'm not handling sd being pregnant very well. how am i supposed to feel when the person who wished a miscarriage on me and got what she wanted is now pregnant? how dare she expect me to be happy for her! lots of excuses for her behavior towards my pregnancy, but never an apology. NEVER. i told fdh how i feel. i will not be throwing that bitch a shower. i will not go to one. i will not be going to the hospital, which for the past 3 years represents nothing but death and misery to me. i will not be all grandmaish to this kid. i'm only 34! sd can kiss my ass. she did this herself. i'm only reacting to what she did to me. i didn't start this. i have to protect myself. and what is best for me is to not be around the bitch who wished my baby dead while she is pregnant and flaunting it all the time.

i'm so sorry for you. i understand all too well what you are going thru. if you need to talk more, feel free to PM me. maybe you can help me since you've been dealing with it longer, and maybe we can help each other since we have similar sd situations. much love to you. <3

bi- I am so sorry for your

bi- I am so sorry for your losses. I know you are aware of Megan because of my posts, but I have also had 2 other losses. Megan my fist pregnancy, and then after my son a early term loss and one at 5 1/2 months. So I do know your pain. And, if you need to talk pm me, I know how alone you can feel. Friends try to help, but it really makes a difference having another that has been there. I found that for the first time here on this site.

You have every right to not want to have anything to do with SD's pregnancy. And, your on the right track, protect yourself because no one else will or can. I know I have a completely different mind set after going through the losses. They all took their toll, but to be honest Megan's was the first and the worst of them all. I think maybe becuase I did make it, it didn't kill me, though there were times I thought it might. I knew with the other two I would get through it. I am sure in time you will find looking back you are so much stronger than you ever thought you could be. But, knowing that also means not allowing things to build with SD. Sure you have had tons slammed on you, and your a survivor, but that doesn't mean it's ok for anyone to disrespect your hurt and grief.

I really feel for you, I had years to cope before SD entered my life and almost 12yrs, before this hit. Your pain is still very new and raw. And, it really does take time to get to that place where it's not in the forefront. But, I promise you, you will. I won't lie look at me, this really threw me on my ass. But, it's not going to destory me, I won't allow anyone that kind of power. You need to know, there are no rules in grief and pain, that I have learned. I am not crazy or unstable because I see it different, because of what I have been through. And, neither are you. I have found if they love you, family, friend whoever, they try and understand and most of all respect it. They may not agree but they respect your right to feel it and deal with it however you need to.

That is what I am dealing with now. People who will never "get it ", but the only question is can they respect my feelings enough to work with me.If not I need to look to my next step, and if it means divorce, then no I am not going to like that either. But, I will be ok, my BD will be ok. Sure things will suck for a bit but we will adjust our sails and head for smoother waters.

If there is anyway you can keep a distance from SD right now I would. You didn't say how is your Dh, in this. Does he understand or are you feeling as if your alone completely ? I know you mention FIL, being there and that is wonderful. Is he supportive and understanding ? I may not be the best for advice, since as you can see, things are far from perfect or even working at the present here. But, DON'T allow any of them to make you feel as though your the one with the screw loose. YOUR NOT, just because they can't or won't understand your feelings does not mean your feelings are wrong. That is what I have to keep reminding myself. Because there are times when they really make you think your the one messed up.

I am here,if you want to chat. And, you can say whatever, let it out, I won't judge, I know how you feel. And, I would be honored to help in any way. We all need to know there is someone who understands. Just so you know, I would expect you to say, your being an ass, if need be, and I plan on doing the same, lol. Although it will be said in love if it needs said at all, lol. Hugs to you bi!

There is also a lot of support in this site. There have been some wonderful people I have met. And, to know they understand has meant the world.

thank you, dori. for several

thank you, dori. for several months, sd has been coming to me, "afraid" she was pregnant and asking me what she should do. at 19, i would expect her to know enough to get a pregnancy test. she really pretended to be worried. saying she didn't want to know. she's not a good actress. it was obvious that she wasn't afraid she was pregnant, she was hopeful that she was pregnant. i asked her about birth control and she said she "forgets" to take her pills sometimes. i knew damn well what was going on. she quit taking them, hoping to get pregnant, but wanted everyone to think she was taking them so she wouldn't be held responsible for her choice, she could just say the pills failed.

she was so ridiculous that she even convinced herself that she was having morning sickness when she wasn't even pregnant. she couldn't afford a test (but wants a baby?), so i bought her one and it was negative. she said maybe it was just too early to tell. OMG. if she's gonna be that obvious, then why not just be honest in the first place? i told fdh that he was going to be a grampa soon cuz she was trying to get pregnant. he thinks she's stupid. they bitch all the time about not having money, yet they somehow can go out to eat and to the mall all the time. i guess it's just the rent and bills they have no money for. she went on and on about all the benefits she would be "entitled" to if she got pregnant, so she knows they will be "just fine". nice logic.

so last month at bs's bday party, she said she wanted to talk to me alone. i knew right then. hello dumb ass, i'm hosting a bday party, i don't have time to go talk to you alone! she texted me after she left that she had something to tell us, but was scared. i texted back that i had known for months this was coming and there was no reason to be scared. she wanted me to tell fdh for her, f'g coward. i just let him read the texts. again, he thinks she's stupid. so she never even had the courage to just say it, she beat around the bush until i told her that i already KNOW what she's not saying.

that was when i let her know i would not be involved. she tried to guilt me, but i don't play guilt games, especially when i've done nothing wrong. i've heard she's constantly on fb talking about how her pants don't fit and how great her relationship is, and how much she loves her unborn baby. yet she doens't get it why losing a baby was hard for me and why i can't let go of what she's done. :? wow. even being pregnant and feeling the way she does, she STILL doesn't get it. why would she, everything is about her. me losing a baby wasn't about me or the baby, it was about her relief that there wouldn't be another baby taking what she thinks is her money from fdh. bitch. she cannot see outside of her own ass. no empathy, no common sense, no manners.

i blocked her and her bf's statuses from showing on my newsfeed so i don't have to see any of their crap. they are essentially blocked and they don't know it, so it saves me the drama from actually blocking them.

the night this happened, i went upstairs and started crying. i told fdh how i feel and why and let him know that i was not going to be involved in any of this and that i am still raw and bleeding inside over our daughter. all my losses hurt, but the last one was the worst, because she made it so far and i saw her moving around on an ultrasound. i had to deliver her, i didn't have to do that with the other 2. i chose not to see her or hold her because i knew if i did that, i would never come back from it. how do you do that and know that you don't get to take that precious baby home with you? i know my limits. i had to say no to that or it would have killed me. i do regret it and have guilt, but at the same time, i know it was the right choice for me. we had her tested to see if there is something going on to explain the losses, and there isn't. no genetic problems. she was perfect. but i had an infection in my placenta. i have no idea how that happened and it eats at me. i want to know how i got an infection. what was the infection? why did this happen? she would be almost 3 months old right now if i hadn't somehow gotten sick.

fdh was very understanding. usually he's a buffoon and doesn't understand a damn thing. i have to break everything down for him and then he still refuses to get it. but not on this. he supports me and understands. he said if she starts getting shitty with me about not wanting anything to do with this, (she has a history of making sure everyone knows what an asshole someone is if she feels she's been wronged, never mind what she did), she will tell her what happened and to stfu and leave me alone. i told him i don't feel i should have to explain myself to her. she is the last person i care to tell any of this to. she needs to just accept that i have been thru things she does not understand and that i simply can't do what she wants me to. i told her to hope she never loses a baby, because it's not something she wants to understand. that was in response to her telling me she thought the past was the past. yeah, that's how dismissive she is of my feelings and of what she did. so what if i lost a baby and she was happy about it, that was almost 3 years ago, get over it. that bitch is so hollow.

ffil didn't know about the 2nd mc or our baby girl until after we lost our daughter. i think fdh just needed someone to talk to, and i called home while ffil was here about the remains of our daughter and what we should do. ffil was still here when i got home, and he hugged me and told me he was sorry for my loss. he's a great guy.

i don't know what to do from here. i still want one more baby so very badly. but i'm full of fear. as i was drifting off to sleep, i had what i think of a waking dream. i was thinking and sort of dreaming at the same time, but i wasn't fully asleep. i pictured myself being pregnant again and in the dr office. she was trying to find the heartbeat and couldn't. i don't want to go thru that again. i'm so afraid. but i don't want to give up knowing that there isn't a consistent problem causing this to happen, either. i just don't know. i pray to God that if i'm going to continue longing for a baby, then please let it happen and let it happen happily, and if i'm not meant to have another one, please take the desire for one out of me. well, i still desire one more baby. i guess i should stop obsessing about it and just live my life day by day and enjoy the 2 that i have. i know i need to trust that what is meant to be will be, and stop worrying about it. time will tell.

((((((((bi))))))) I can not

((((((((bi)))))))

I can not tell you enough I get it. I know how your feeling. And, like I said it is very very new for you. That pain, is something even a father can not fully understand because the child was not within his body. Sure the hurt, but I really in my heart think, you have to experience it to really know it. I am sure from what you posted you know what I am saying.

May I suggest though, you need to stop with the regrets of not seeing her. You were faced with a horrific tragedy and you did what you needed to.And, please try and keep yourself from going to that place of what if. It will take you down further and reality is it will not change any of it, just make it hurt more. Trust me on that.

There was no explaination really for Megan either. She was perfect, no defects, no organ isuues, no answers. That is the hardest part to come to grips with. I held her, at first I did not want to. But, she was full term, I heard her last heartbeat, I had to know. I couldn't come to grips with what they were saying she was gone. Since I was put under for the emeregency c-section, I woke up to all this news. Drugged, in a fog and terrified. I had a nurse with me through the whole thing though, that by the grace of God, knew what I was facing. She had been through it years before. And, was to me a saving grace. She didn't push she guided. She set up the baptism, she gave last rights in the OR, she took three pictures to which she gave me the day they were sending me home. I did not have my baby girl to take home, but those pictures are the only thing that helped my feet move that day. To this day, they are in my house, out and within reach. To a point I thank God for them and on another hand, I find myself at times like this if it wouldn't have been easier, had I not held her, had those pictures. Depends on where I am at those moments and what took me there, I guess.

My point, you did what you needed, again there is no right or wrong in it. So don't question it, and don't beat yourself up over it. Feel it and move through it how YOU need to.

As for SD, we should have the girls meet, lol. Keep each other busy. The hardest part is going to being to try to not react to her. If you have your FDH behind your your ahead of the game. I struggle at times like this to keep my reactions in check.

As for her not getting, she WON'T. Sorry to sound harsh, but she won't she can't. That is the hardest part for me to understand. I have empathy for others, SD doesn't. She is a me, me person also. And, they can't, you have been there, they haven't. They can not even imagine what that is like, or what it takes out of you to get through it. But, you will get through it. You will not be the same person when you come out the other side of it all, but, you can't. That is a life changing event, you see everything in a new way as you start to heal. At least looking, back I did.

Please don't set yourself up for the fall I took that a person of the SD's mindset can in this one thing show understand, feelings, or compassion. Or like me your going to be hurt all over again. I am learning more than ever, just what it is like when you have no spot to another person. That even though you are very important to their father, you, yourself are nothing to them. Unless, they want something, or can get their childish thrills by knowing they are hurting you.

I really wish I could give you and myself a step by step to this mess. But, there isn't one. What I can offer is friend,my experience coping,and someone who understands. To me right now, that is everything. It sucks to be alone, to feel alone.This site has helped me know I am not. And, that gives me hope.

As to wanting another baby, give yourself sometime to heal. Try to deal with here and now. If you are to have another, it will happen. But, for now I would suggest sorting through and working through your greif. You need that to help you be ready when and if you have another baby. If you don't that is going to make your next pregnancy very stressful, which you don't need.

thank you, you are very wise

thank you, you are very wise and i feel so lucky to have found you on here. sd only wants me for what is good for her. she wants to be a mother to her in that i spend money on her and dote on her. she doesn't want me to be motherly as far as telling her when she is wrong or doing something foolish. she wants all the good and none of the bad. it just doesn't work that way. i don't expect her to ever get it. i just wish she would accept that i have my own things to deal with and i am not going to brush them aside for her. i don't understand why she expects to be right up there with my own kids with me after all she has done, but she does.

i'm trying to take the stance of, if she doesn't get it, that's her problem. i still get to feel the way i feel and handle things my way. she doesn't have to understand or like it, but she does have to accept it because just as i can't change her, she can't change or control me.

i'm very distant from her, and i'm not sure she even realizes it. it sucks that she is bs's sister, because i have to include her in his bday parties, etc. he will be having a preschool graduation next month. we didn't do anything at the end of last years school year for him, but this year we are going to have a little cookout and cake. kind of an excuse to have a small get together with our parents and grandparents. i have to invite her. i don't want to. but i have to be the better person and accept that she is his sister and i can't leave her out. however, that does not mean that i will give her free reign to force herself and her pregnancy/baby on me. again, if she tries that, i will hand her over to fdh to deal with.

i'm gonna do the best i can and i'm not going to give her the satisfaction of seeing how uncomfortable and angry and sad i am. i will just keep at arms length like i have for a while, and as far as i'm gonna let it show, her pregnancy has nothing to do with me. in reality, i know that that's true. it doesn't have anything to do with me. but i do take it in my heart as a personal assault that the person who wanted my baby dead and got her wish 3 times over is now pregnant and gushing about it. when i was pregnant after bs the first time, at 31`years old, she posted on fb that i was irresponsible and needed to be on birth control. i had been with fdh for 5 years and we are adults. yet it's not irresponsible of her to purposely get pregnant at 19 by her bf of 1 year while they are broke and both in school. hmm. hypocritical bitch. between you and me, i hope this ruins her life, and i don't feel bad about feeling that way. i hope her bf ends up leaving her and she is stuck with a kid and no one wants her, while he moves on and has kids with someone new. she deserves to have something unpleasant happen after all she has done to other people.

I feel the same about you. I

I feel the same about you.

I know how much her flaunting this pregnancy hurt you. And, I am so sorry you have to go through that. It is cruel, and uncalled for.

I am dealing with the same issues as far as BD and SD. I don't know what the relationship is between your BS and SD. But, if it's not that close maybe talk with FDH. If he is on the same page and agrees about SD, then maybe ask if he would be ok with it just being you two and grandparents. Like I said Depending on the relationship. Kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. They pick up on so much more than we think. If there is a lot of tension BS will notice. It's his day, and your home, your still healing, do what is best for you. Not what you feel or think is expected. A healthy Mom is more important than putting on airs even for a day. If your SD is like mine, it will be all about her and him anyway.

My SD always tries to make whatever the event is about her. She always has a crisis or something going on to try and put all focus on her. If it's not about her or for HER, she pulls something. Everytime.

Most times BD ends up in tears in her room refusing to come out, doesn't want to talk, is crushed by the way SD treats her. SD is never alone with her, does not take her places, But always tried to be like OH I'm here with her. Sure she could on the loving sister face for about 15 minutes then out the door. That all changed when she got pregnant with her son. She didn't BD anymore to try and get an in or control over DH. She had her own new little weapon in the making. And, she uses him to control DH and now hurt BD. I have busted her a few times, and her stops got farther apart. She knew I saw it and knew what she was doing. She also knows, BD is off limits. I keep my mouth shut about aa lot of things. Out right mean and vindictive acts towards her takes the gloves off so to speak. In that aspect she knows, and BD is getting older DH can't ignore her telling him what is going on. So now her son is her tool. Lots of stories that would turn your stomach there. But should and will share later, they may come in handy, to watch for a pattern with your SD.

the only good thing i can say

the only good thing i can say about sd is that she does love her brother. which makes it even harder to understand why she was so livid about me having another one after him. (i wonder if she was/is concerned about not being fdh's only daughter). bs is for sure the most important thing in all of this for me to consider. i don't want him to be hurt by any of this. however, i cannot love his sister for him, even if i want to. all i can do is what i have done, which is be polite but keep my distance.

i wouldn't put it past sd to make his little party about her. i'm surprised she didn't make his bday party about her by announcing loudly to everyone there that she's pregnant. i think she knows everyone is disappointed in her and that's why she keeps her broadcasting on fb. she tried to make Christmas about her, at least to me. that was when she was pretending to be so sick and miserable and exhauted by an imaginary pregnancy. (eye roll). i just ignored her. even if she had been pregnant and it was real, wth did she expect me to do about it? :? (she only told me about her suspicion and her fake symptoms, and made very deliberate eye contact with me while holding her stomach and looking miserable). i simply won't engage in any of her ME games. if she tries to take any attention off of my son, i will promptly redirect it where it belongs.

she may very well think she's punishing me for not being involved by keeping her kid away, but she would more likely to just try to force me into a role i'm not interested in. she's done that before. i wish she would stay away and keep her kid away. if she thinks she's punishing me by doing that, great! she would actually be doing exactly what i want her to! i expect that she is going to try to make her kid and bs be best buddies, as bs will be the uncle, especially if she has a boy. but i hope she has a girl. exactly like her! }:)

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Narcissistic Personality Disorder