My head is spinning

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So last night I get a text from SD saying she can't wait to see me and her father this week! Ooookay...... nothing in a year and now the sweetness and pretend has started I assume. So I respond with a simple thanks, at my age I'm not into fakeness, not that I ever was.

The night progresses, H at a business conference overnight away. About hour later I get a much longer text, apologetic because she had no idea that I had planned a dinner this week for my H. Blah blah blah and she offered to come the END of the week instead. Ok, so I tell her I canceled the reservations weeks ago and have no plans (implying don't sweat it)

H gets home this morning and is cranky. Says that he spoke with D last night and she has work she can't get out of so coming later in week.? (All the while she was saying to me she was coming) And, and she felt so bad SHE remade my reservations at SAME RESTAURANT I had planned with my kids for my kids and H as she was not coming into town until later the week, but could not get resssies until like pm.......Hmmmmmm

Now my head is spinning. What the helll happened last night? How did she know all of my plans? H told her, but in what context? To throw me under the bus? Make me look bad because now he thinks she is an angel and I am the bad guy because I balked at her remaking my res for me at a very late time and honestly without consulting me. Of course this place charges a huge amt to cancel so hell?!!!

This is all so confusing...

This is all so confusing... So somehow either between what you said and your husband she felt like she "inconvenienced" everything and made this ALL about her somehow and went and made a big thing of it or else your husband did?

Regardless I can already gage that "less is more" with SD.... Ie/don't ever tell her anything.. Not a single thing cause she will twist it to *somehow?? * make herself a victim or involve drama and unnecessary shenanigans?

Never spoke with her!

In a year! So we go from can't wait to see you, that was late last night. To now she has too much to do and is coming later in the week. Oh and I'm a savior y'all. I rebooked your lovely reservations.
Honestly I think she is not happy coming here. Hadn't been to this house in over 2 yrs though we saw her a year ago. She had already said she wasn't staying the full weekend. I think her initial text was to feel me out and the vibe she got was what you would expect with no contact.

So she got out of coming here earlier and she can be the saint in her fathers eye. It's a win win for her.

Ya exactly you didn't say

Ya exactly you didn't say anything then somehow it's drama... That must be exhausting. I wonder what would happen if you were sugary fake sweet with her...

They love it when they upset

They love it when they upset us or when they hit a goal with their daddies. I love not giving them the pleasure of knowing I'm upset.

I feel like it

Was a huge power play. She the big rescuer. She knows my business. I'm quite perturbed. Lol.

now if it were me (remember I

now if it were me (remember I'm a bitch) that eatery would be declared ruined for me and I'd point blank say so. I'd pronbably make a statement like "after the little games you and your daughter are playing, this place will always be an example of the bullshit you two find so amusing. Enjoy your meal, I'll see you afterwards because I'm way too old for the middleschool bullshit"

I do not suggest you do that, but I know I would.

Your thoughts about this?

Head spinning behavior?

bluntly ask your husband. set

bluntly ask your husband. set him down, no distractions, and point blank ask him. tell him you do not enjoy being played by him and his daughter and ask him exactly what he said to her.

I did.

He said he told her that I had wanted to go to xyz restaurant and was unable to change the res to add two more people.
That doesn't fit. Did he add that I was UPSET about it? I can't see him going there with her. Everything is nicey nicey although he tells her EVERYTHING. It's unreal. I've heard the calls. He's in a confessional. She is the mommy.
Seriously. She is his closest confidant. She knows it and this was a big power play on her part. He's too naive to see this. He's not a manipulator. Just no filter with her.

Tell him that given he blabs

Tell him that given he blabs his mouth off to her that he's being a pathetic coward and hypocrite by not telling her the WHOLE truth. She deserves to know that she upset you, that you don't want her around, that he needs to check with you before making plans because she doesn't get to invite herself into your home.

^^^^Yep...

Hmmmm? She made the stolen

Hmmmm? She made the stolen reservation. She pays.

I would NOT be cool about

I would NOT be cool about people doing things under my name

HER Invite

Well, since SHE made the reservations and invited everyone, obviously SHE is paying right?!

(I know, not in a million years, but on the other hand it would be pretty presumptuous of her to invite herself to an expensive restaurant!)

First of all. My head would not be spinning.

I would be tick off. DH was in contact with SD behind your back making plans taking control of everything. No jusy NO.

You haven't spoken to SD in years and you are still alive and kicking. You don't need SD in your life. And certainly don't need her to show up after years and run the show. If she shows up or not it doesn't effect you and your family. Just say no. SD should stay home until you invite her when it works for you and your family. Then have a discussion with DH about respect. It's disrespectful to go behind your back, being the last to know. And DH will have to pay for this disrespect fullness.
SD will not eat with you at this fancy restaurant. My line in the sand.
SD will be given dates she can come. When she here dinner is at McDonald,, a fancy McDonald.

She’s not coming until the next day

And she purposely took it upon her self to remake my res for me, my kids and H at my original restaurant. She is not visiting until the next day. So she spends less time here and my dinner for H is booked by her now. She looks like the greatest in H's eyes and me, a sore loser. Very clever

how tiresome she is.

Other words come to mind.

So I had other plans tomorrow and my kids as well. Why would we not after several weeks going by? So now dinner at my fancy restaurant shoved down our throats at our bedtime actually. But no consultation with me. And H is all isn't this wonderful? And its all her grand idea!!!! There are no words actually to how pissed I am right now. I was played like a fiddle.

Keep your plans. The

Keep your plans. The restaurant doesn't work for you and your kids. She can cancel and start minding her own business. If your husband objects, point out that the whole shitshow is his own fault for gossiping and letting his daughter interfere.

I agree Sd stays home until

I agree Sd stays home until she gets an invite.. That's the normal way. She's overstepping. Tell husband this

If SD ever reaches out leave an obscure text like, we'll be in contact to let you know a time that works for us.

And never mention previous plans, future plans or present plans or heck even ideas of plans. She will steam roll them. The less she knows the better

Maybe same with your husband. I'm having a hard time picturing his role. I think he's over sharing to her and that's causing issues and then he also undershares with you so the combo is not great

I would call SD and tell her

I would call SD and tell her flat out “SD plans have changed and there is no longer a need for those reservations, please cancel them.” Then go tell your DH “I called SD and let her know to cancel the reservations as they are no longer needed.” Stop letting the two idiots consort about plans they know nothing about.

But then I’m the sore loser

And she becomes the victim. I hate people like this. Her mother is a master at it. Me, I'm just an old lady who is too honest and wears my heart on my sleeve. You always know where you stand with me. You might not like it. Lol

Stop caring what anyone

Stop caring what anyone thinks. Own your inner bitch because not doing so is eating you up.

YOU GOT THAT RIGHT

But, at the same time I can't be stupid. I went down this road this morning and basically was the bad guy. "Look, you wanted to go and now you are going so what's the problem." "Why do you have so many issues with xyz?"

It's not a hill to die on. Lets see how this visit goes. My kids are getting the popcorn ready. The sad thing is that this makes me feel very distant from H. I feel like the other woman. He will never take my side. Really in anything these days.

Shake yourself up. Why do you

Shake yourself up. Why do you have so many issues with xyz? Because he is treating his daughter like his WIFE,that's why! He cannot distinguish between his child and his spouse FFS!.

This absolutely is a hill to die on. You have to put a stop to this sooner or later or accept that you will always just be your duh's bedwarmer because his daughter has his heart and his mind. How long can you put up with that?

Is counselling envisageable? I hate that you are treated like this. If he won't go, please go by yourself, you deserve so much more.

It's been going on for a long.

Seems like these problems have been going on for quite some time and simply aren't changing...or aren't being changed.

Who cares, she's going to be

Who cares, she's going to be a victim regardless, this is you handling it and not allowing her or DH to perpatuate their bullshit and leave you frustrated.

so who cares? he's going to

so who cares? he's going to slobber all over her anyway. tell him that she can just take only him out when she visits that after plans were cancelled because of her you all made your own plans so this bs is unwanted and will not be tolerated by you.

It's your BEDTIME. You are

It's your BEDTIME. You are not the sore loser. If your husband gives you sh*t book him some reservations somewhere without asking him and make sure it's during a time when he would be doing something else. See how he likes it.

It's subtle crap like this

It's subtle crap like this that people who haven't lived it just can't understand.

Their bullshit definatley

Their bullshit definatley does not pass the smell test or test of reasonableness. It is an emotionally incestuous shit storm and marginalizes you and your marriage.

It is time to put a foot up DH's ass on this and let him know that the marriage depends on him prioritizing you and your marriage. He needs to put his relationship with his mini-wife/emotional cheat partner in its proper place or... find himself sniffing his toxic spawn's ass as his primary person since you will be long gone if he does not immediately end this crap.

Grrr.

I'm so angry for you.

Good luck.

Call and cancel her reservations hitting her with the cancelation charges and tell DH and her that their manipulations are done. No more. They both grow TF up and learn to have an adult parent/child relationship or DH loses his actual adult SO relationship.

Some things can be worked with and others are a hill to die on. DH's inappropriate marritally invasive relationship with his failed family kidult progeny is definately THE hill to die of if I were you.

IMHO of course.

I agree I would certainly

I agree I would certainly cancel the reservation.. Even if only to make a point that you don't want to be Effed with

My head feels like it might

My head feels like it might spin too! I would be absolutely livid. I am learning how to embrace my Inner Bitch too ( since I agree with Winterglow in that I had to since feeling like I had to constantly let everything slide was effecting me) I wouldnt let this go if I were you. If it were me, I would place the expectation on SD to foot the bill for the whole dinner seeing that she feels she is being so generous and heroic by swooping in to take over organizing the whole thing without your input.. She shoudnt be asking you for a cent. Maybe once that heat is on her, she might rethink it all and bail. ( worked for me before) Chances are she might be been hoping for a free meal out of the deal. Even if there is no way she would take than on, I would just step back and focus on your own plans. I would also be telling DH he and SD are free to fend for themselves , go on a little dinner date themselves and if they want to gossip like a couple of old busybodies with no lives, then at least make the subject something else other than you!

Although I cant help but approve of Rag's idea to turn the tables,take the power back over the Dinner plans by cancelling SD's reservation on her without bothering to consult her, so she is held accountable for those expenses. Just pull the rug right under her like she did to you and see how she likes it. Either way, that might help her learn a lesson by getting a taste of her own bullshit. ( I know that may be expecting too much) At the very least, it should sent the message that you are not willing to put up with that kind of nonsense anymore.

I also vote for not caring anymore about looking like the bad guy. SP's usually end up being viewed as such no matter what we do as the poor little SD's will never stop playing the victim anyway.

She won't be there

I made the same mistake you did, thinking SD would be there and was looking for a free meal. Nope, she messed up OP's plans by saying she'd be there. So OP cancelled the reservation. The SD got all passive aggressive, delayed her arrival, and swooped in to put the reservation back in place! But since it's so late, now it's a crappy time.

AND SD doesn't even have to be there to play nice family. She somehow gets the credit for putting the resevervation back in place, now it's HER idea, and she doesn't even have to sit and make polite conversation, or be expected to chip in. She's not even coming until the next day.

If OP can get her head around a way to ensure that the credit is all hers, and NOT SD's super magnanimous gesture, it will be great. But SD has pretty much tainted the whole things, and now DH is all puppy happy because SD made it all happen again (when if fact SD was the one who messed it up!).

Grrrr! OP - I think the only way to cancel it is to do what was suggested above. Tell DH, (possibly with tears of frustration), I tried SO hard to set this up, and did it way in advance and got the time that was perfect for all the kids, then I accomodated SD's visit, and now SD has put it at a time that just doesn't work for the kids. Let's just skip it this year. And we'll go to (insert new best idea) instead.

And then stick SD with the cancellation charge and never go to that restaurant again.

You can certainly turn the

You can certainly turn the tables.

"Darling Husband, it was SOoooooo thoughtful of SD to make reservations for the kids and I to have dinner at that special restaurant. Her intentions were soooo good, but the reservation is so late that it's just not going to work. I don't want to hurt her feelings when she went to such trouble, but I have to put the kids first. Why don't we reschedule for a time when SD is in town. I'm sure she would love the place."

Play her game.

Lol. At least your head

Lol. At least your head spinning headline was not followed up with a scene of green pea soup projective vomiting re The Excorcist.

That was the first thing to come to mine when I read your post headline.

CANCLE the restaurant

Disengage from all this two face bull $hit. Personally I would chock on that meal. If SD does show up she gets the best meal at McDonalds. When the smoke clears and DH stops going behind your back [ totally disrespectful ] you can go to that restaurant alone wiyh out SD.

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