Monkey On My Back. Can anyone relate?
Here I am, 30 plus years later and my two adult SDs still try to manipulate my DH. He's getting much better at shutting them down, but we still have to suffer through the stress of dealing with these psychotic behaviors, In some ways, it's actually gotten a bit worse, as they realize that Daddy is getting older, and they don't have much more time to persuade him to change his will to include them.
For some reason, my SDs think that there should be a double standard where inheritance is concerned. I believe that they are of the opinion that if he had remained married to their mother, than fine. All of the estate would be passed on to her and they wouldn't have an issue with that. And their BM could have/would have been able to spend all of it until the last dollar was gone leaving them with nothing! But, for some reason, that would be okay.
However, despite the fact that my marriage to my DH has surpassed the number of years that he was married to their BM, and even though my DH and I have owned and operated our own business together (which has provided us with our current lifestyle) and we have purchased and paid for all of our real estate holdings together through our own sacrifice, risk and hard work, and even though all of our assets and accounts are in BOTH names, they still feel that they are "entitled" to his portion when he passes?? Based on what...???
They didn't help us to earn our money. They have been a very small presence in our lives by their own choosing, but even if they were to visit with us or call us every day, that still would not give them an entitlement to what we've earned. They never call their father to see if he's okay. We only see them on holidays, and only if we (I) instigate the visit through an email to them. Their argument is that when my parents pass, I will have an inheritance from them but, they don't actually know that. Nor do I. Nothing is guaranteed. My parents may need what they have acquired for their own purposes; in home care, renovations for decreased mobility, whatever. Or my parents may choose to give their money away to charity. Or to go on a trip around the world before they pass away. It is their money and I have no say in how they spend it. Why is this any different?? What am I missing here?
The youngest SD actually told the older SD that she is going to keep putting pressure on my DH until he does change his will to include them. The oldest SD actually told us this on the phone when she was angry with her younger sister and was all too happy to throw her under the bus by giving us this information (which really conveys the type of blood thirsty hyenas they both are) but I am glad that she did tell us. It makes quite clear, the youngest SD's current agenda in her recent correspondence with my DH.
The youngest SD sent my DH an email last year saying that she needs to tell him how they (both SDs) feel. "We need to go out to dinner so that we can talk. We've wanted to talk to you for a long time, but we're scared." He called her on the phone and asked her what was on her mind. Scared of what? She stammered and stuttered and couldn't really come up with anything concrete, other than "we want to see you more often." To which he replied, "We see you when we can. We live hours away from you, so it's not that easy. AND we're in the middle of a pandemic anyway. We're not seeing Anyone right now. I love you. I love my grandkids. We're fine." It seemed to cool her jets, but she's back at it again. Now the youngest SD has taken to writing guilt inducing emails to my DH telling him how much both SD's miss him, and that his grandkids are overwhelmed with despair over the fact that he's not a regular part of their lives. We're scratching our heads wondering why they don't call him on the phone on a regular basis if this is how they feel??? As for the grandkids; they couldn't care less about Grandpa. When we see them at Christmas, they barely talk to either of us. They just open the gifts that we give them, and move on. This is SD putting words in their mouths.
At any rate, our mirror will has been continuously reviewed every 3 years and it hasn't changed in over 25 years. When I die, he is the benefactor. When he dies, I'm the benefactor. Still, I have spent the last few years of my life preparing documents and proof for a "legal battle" which will no doubt ensue with these two greedy idiots, over the money which my DH and I have toiled to earn together. Every lawyer we have ever had has assured us that our mirror will is air tight, but they don't know how manipulative the youngest SD can be. They tell us that any will can be contested, but they seldom win when a will is signed before a lawyer and the parties are of sound mind when they wrote them. What the lawyers don't tell you is how much of your retirement savings your going to have to spend to get those monkeys off your back!
Is there anyone else out there going through this ridiculous anxiety over what their financial future holds? I just want to enjoy the rest of my years with the man that I married but this situation seems to constantly plague my inner peace.
I'm sorry this is so long. There really is no one else that I can confide in when it comes to SD issues. I have good friends, but none that can relate. Can you?
Neither of my SD's will get
Neither of my SD's will get anything. DH had a statement to that effect, notarized, so there will be no doubt that it was not just an oversight that they were left out of the will. And I believe our wills have something in them regarding anybody who contests them, gets nothing.
I am pretty sure the youngest thinks she will be getting our house. She won't.
I can't even imagine going to my dad about his will, much less trying to pressure and manipulate him. They are really showing their asses.
I honestly don't know if it would be better to ignore them, or if your husband should put them in their place, once and for all.
My brother and I agree that
My brother and I agree that mom and dad should bounce the last check they ever write after a life of adventure, meaning, and companionship. It is our job, he and I, to provide for our own families.
Their estate, as their joint Will stipulates, goes to the survivor of their marriage should one of them predecease the other. Upon their co-demise, ther estate is split between my younger brother and I with some specific personal items going to specific people (either my brother, myself, either of our wives, our one of the GKs as specified).
There was a period where mom wanted to create a family trust where all of their direct heirs would inherrit an equal share of the estate. It is their estate so I had no issue with that. My brother shut that down without any discussion with me first. He told them that if they made that choice that he would decline his share and his children would decline their share and direct it all to go to me. He felt it unfair that he had three kids and I had none (prior to SS asking for me to adopt him) and he and his kids would get 80% of our parent's estate and I would get only 20% just because I had chosen to not have kids.
After he gave them that message, their Will stayed the same and their estate will be split equally between he and I.
I think you need to have a
I think you need to have a discussion with your husband about how you plan to enjoy your money.
If he wants them to have anything he needs to spell it out. I would give them some nominal thing like $1000 each. It's not nothing but it will show them they were deliberatly omitted from getting everything else!
Let them waste money contesting the will. If it's air tight then don't stress.
I fully expect disappointed
I fully expect disappointed SDs after DH dies. Before we married, we signed a prenup. Both SDs (as well as my BSs) were given the opportunity to read it. Neither SD did. I had assets from my first marriage. DH had debts. I keep my assets separate. He paid off his debts. We have modest joint assets. But, there is a good possibility that eventually DH will need skilled nursing care. When/If he does, the funds for his care will come from his separate assets first, and then our joint assets. So when he passes, there will most likely be nothing left to inherit from DH for anyone.
We do not have mirror wills. We have separate, but similar, wills. Assets from before marriage, go to the children of the marriage. Assets from after the marriage go to the surviving spouse, and after the surviving spouse passes, assets that were joint, if there are any left, are split among children and steps children.
if DH dies before me, I am sure the SDs will want to challenge the will. However, since neither has money to pay fir a challenge, they would have to find a lawyer to take it on contingency. I doubt they would be able to. Lawyers do not like to take non winnable cases on contingency. (There is a clause that specifically names them and says that their bequests were thoughtfully considered. We have the clause about challenges yield nothing in the will.)
I am not worried that they will try to get DH to change his will. They both think they are getting his assets, not realizing that before we married he had a negative asset balance, and that his after marriage assets go to me. They are in for a surprise.
That's almost exactly my
That's almost exactly my scenario. He had debts; I had assets. I have a financial brain, he does not.
Debts are now cleared. He has a nice pension (which ends when he dies) plus social security (same) plus one small investment, that will go to me. It's paltry, and at this point I am inclined to pass that along to his kids since I no longer need it. Other than that, nothing.
My assets from before our marriage and inheritance from my parents have never been comingled with joint funds, so I'm set. My bios hope I have a great time and spend it all, which I won't do because I'm scared to death of medicaid nursing homes!
My skids know I have more money than DH, but not how much. They don't bug me about it, but I also think they are making some assumptions. Not my problem.
Spend it all. And have fun
Spend it all. And have fun doing it!
Woo hoo!
SPEND IT all, like Rags said.
SPEND IT all, like Rags said...go have fun.
I totally agree.
I don't expect anything from
I don't expect anything from my dad. He earned it, he should spend it in his retirement. I hope that he does.
Thank you for your input!
Thank you for your input! You've given me much to think about in some cases.
Frivolously spending money is not in the cards for me. I too, worry about medicaid nursing homes and aging requirements. You can never be too cautious!
When I met my DH, I had a few months left on a car loan and he had a mortgage and line of credit used to pay off his exwife. After his divorce, he had purchased nice condo but I have come to learn that it was mortgaged and in my living there with him and SD, he was able to pay down that debt faster with my added income. Something that he never wanted to acknowledge. As a matter of fact, although I was contributing to the household financially with a weekly lump sum from my paycheck, I was stupidly unaware of where and what the money was being directed to. I just wanted to ensure that I was contributing to groceries, hydro, cable etc. For some reason, it never occured to me that with my contribution, he was able to pay off his debts faster.
However, during the course of our marriage, we paid off our debts and we were able to amass and save a significantly greater amount of assets/wealth than what we had when we were starting out, through the business that we both put equal amounts of hardwork, time and effort into. Shortly after starting our business, we sold his condo and together, we designed and built our matrimonial dream home which was of much greater value than the condo. Both names on title. It was also much greater in value than the "matrimonial home" that he owned with the BM and that the SDs grew up in. My DH and I then proceeded to purchased some real estate investment properties and a recreational property once we felt financially secure enough to do so.
It leads me to think that, in their feeble minds, the only way that they could get a greater share, would be if they could some how try to break our marriage apart...which I would not put past them. We still may be in for a bumpy ride ahead.
I should point out that Manipulative YSD actually took a Legal Course about 3 years ago to learn more about wills and estates! Clearly, she's looking for loopholes. It's hard to stay one step ahead of a conniving schemer, but I'm determined to do so. I should also point out that our will stipulates that if we pass within a certain number of days of each other, our estate is to be divided up into three equal parts. Two parts to the SDs and one part to one of my family members. (I have no bio kids but I do have family). It sometimes crosses my mind that the YSD will hire one of her nefarious thug friends to make sure that I am gone within that time frame. Then I tell myself that I'm being paranoid... but am I?
One answer always seems to lead to another question where these two are concerned!
I'm no legal expert, but can
I'm no legal expert, but can you get the part about you dying within days of each other taken out? That seems like a logical thing to do!
Do not use my circumstances
Do not use my circumstances as a basis. Our wills are based on the prenup and the laws of the state where we reside. Every state has different laws. We do not have mirror wills. Each of us utilized our own lawyer, the same ones who drew up the prenup, for our wills.
If you are concerned about the SDs, make an appointment with a lawyer who deals with estates, go alone, and have this lawyer review the documents. The peace of mind you will get if everything is ok will be worth the cost. And if everything is not ok, you can make changes.
While I do understand needing
While I do understand needing to conserve enough resources to care for yourself, don't be tooooo conservative
Life is short and precious. Spend it doing things you love with the person you love. Especially now! Take trips, have adventures, go out to dinner, go dancing or to a concert! Dress up, get a nice car to cruise around in if that's what you enjoy. Honestly, one of you could be diagnosed with cancer tomorrow or something could easily throw your life upside down. You could always liquidate or sell your business, pack up everything and go on a wild adventure!
My dad got cancer at 50. He's survived but he and my mom spend a lot of time together. We all know one day the cancer will be back. My sibling and I don't expect to be left anything from them. I want them to be comfortable and happy their whole lives. If that means they die broke that's ok. They taught us to care for ourselves, not wait for a handout. If anything, it's the responsibility of my sibling and I to make sure our parents are well cared for in their later years. They did everything for us growing up, if we have to pitch in the last few years to make sure they have what they need that's not a burden.
Stop living in fear of what might happen when your hubby is dead and go make some memories while you're both alive and kicking!
By default (in our state at
By default (in our state at least) the surviving spouse gets all assests UNLESS otherwise noted. If both DH and I were to die at the same time, then my son would receive everything. My checking, savings, mutual funds, etc are all solely in my name. So SD wouldn't receive anything (from me anyway). I intend to keep it that way too. The only thing that is in both DH and I names is the house.
My issue
Our financial advisor wants us to set up an irrevocable trust administred by us that will evenutally set out what and how any remaining money would go to our kids and will keep nursing homes and creditors from getting it. I am not a fan, especially with the word "irrevocable" but DH thinks it is a good idea. Lawyers I know say it is not necessary unless you have millions. If DH passed away I know BM would be all up in our business through needling her son so I may be better off discussing the trust, I don't know, I just keep putting it all off......
My financial advisor
and my attorney were against an irrevocable trust. Do to my age (56) I think. They said I needed to be able to access, use, change whatever I needed during my lifetime. The only thing you should EVER put in an irrevocable trust is something you know you will never need for something else. You sure they didn't say a revocable trust?
I have two middle-aged SDs.
I have two middle-aged SDs. DH and BM divorced almost 25 years ago. She went to college, worked in low paying jobs, spent all her money (like she did when they were married), proclaimed she was retired and withdrew her entire 401k to buy a new car. Then moved to OSD's town, a much more expensive place than where she lived before. So the SDs know they are getting no $$$ from BM.
DH and I both had 6-figure jobs and lived well under our means. We saved our $$$, retired early and are having a great time. BM is still having to work to pay her mortage, the first she has ever gotten on her own, even though she said she was retired (she's just working somewhere else). Optics are very important to her.
YSD has poked around trying to find out our net worth, but gave up. We have a trust that protects us when the other passes. They resent that we are well off while BM can't afford basic home repairs.
I read somewhere that when it comes to skids and inheritances, it is not the actual $$ that the skids worry about as much as the proof that the parent provides for the spouse and not the kids. They equate money with love, and the step parent benefitting means they lose. And that perceived proof is intolerable to them.