Laughable....just laughable.

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Laughable, just laughable

I disengaged mentally/emotionally from my oldest SS and his wife (and two little girls) approx. 2 years ago and firmly planted my flag on Grey Rock. I’ve never regretted it and have never looked back. I’ve had issues with this SS since Day 1 and have been frustrated by the hands-off approach my DH has taken when it comes to this guy's inappropriate/selfish behavior. When I MUST be around them, I act with them as I would with a neighbor at a BBQ. I smile when talking to him/spouse and am polite.

I see several posts about us Stepparents being snubbed by a**hole SKs at the holidays and I’ve had my share of that also. This SS and his wife (I refer to them as the Duke and Duchess of Narcissism) have made it a point to fit my DH in on the holidays as it’s all about BMs family (Christmas Eve) and Step DILs family on Christmas day. They go to Duchess’s family on other major holidays. On the Christmases they didn’t bother to see my DH, DH delivered his granddaughters' gifts to the house on the front porch because they didn’t have time for a visit.

Fast forward to mid-November 2022. Oldest SS calls my DH and tells him (very loudly) that he and Duchess are tired of exchanging Christmas gifts with my biological grandchildren. I have 7 Bio GKs; DH has 2. My kids have made it a point to buy nice gifts for SS kids while Duke and Duchess buy Dollar General items. If you do the math, D and D are buying/presenting 7 gifts but only receiving 6 that are exchanged among step-siblings. The ONLY reason we see D and D at Christmas is so they can drop off/pick up their daughters’ gifts.

When SS was talking to DH, SS became louder and louder and I could clearly hear what he was saying/yelling. I’m sure he was drunk. He started to go on a rant about how ‘they are never invited to ANYTHING all year long but then are expected to show up with gifts for “BobbyDazzlers” grandkids….acting as if their girls don’t get gifts. My kids don’t socialize with this SS because he is a dou%H#bag and his wife, well, falls into the same category. This SS has talked down to both of my SILs and doesn’t like my beautiful DIL because she happens to be African American. This SS likes to drop the “N” word from time to time and my son is aware of this. Why would they want to be around this sort of toxicity? They have been, by the way, invited to different family events throughout the year and most times decline the invite.

But I digress… I hear SS starting to talk about my kids in a negative way so I waved at my husband and shook my head ‘no’ and DH shut down the conversation but interrupting and saying, “just call your stepsiblings and tell them you won’t be exchanging between stepcousins any longer; that it just becomes too much”. DH told SS it would take stress off stepsiblings to end it, too. SS then says, “yea, that’s what we’ll do”. After the call ended, I said to DH ‘Duke and Duchess are major procrastinators and won’t talk to my kids about this until the week before Christmas. I’m not going to have my kids be made fools of”. My kids would have gone shopping for their kids unnecessarily. I texted my kids and they were THRILLED for less buying/running around. DH immediately calls SS and says ‘we let them know and they’re happy so no stepcousin exchanges anymore’. DH also told both his boys to not buy him or me anything and we won’t buy for them. That’s fine with me. However, my kids and I still exchange gifts. Dinner at my oldest daughter’s house is my Christmas time with my kids/gkids. This means, my grandkids will be opening gifts from me/DH and their Aunts/Uncles while DH’s bio GKS get only 2 gifts each, which will be from me and DH. When DH reminded this SS that will be happening, the Duke of narcissism said ‘yea, that’ll be hard on the girls; I didn’t think that through”. No, you DB, you didn’t think it through.

My OD sent out invitations to Christmas dinner 2 weeks ago and the Duke and Duchess haven’t replied yet.

Who knew it was that easy to NOT have to see them on Christmas Day!

This has REALLY opened my DHs eyes to the selfishness and self-entitled that seeps out of the Duke and Duchess’s pores. So there’s that!

What a baby that he complains

What a baby that he complains to his daddy about this rather than just sending a message and saying that they don't want to do the gift exchange this year. I know plenty of families that put a hard dollar limit on gifts or just do a secret Santa type exchange to save money. It's a completely normal request. I'm glad that your DH has said they don't have to exchange with you either. Saves money and reduces stress!

The purpose of gifts is the EXCHANGE. That means that things are going both directions. Things tend to go one direction from parent to children when children are little but once they become adults gift exchanges should become more even. My 3-year-old even understands that she can make a gift for me and her dad.

You know I have had something in my Amazon cart that I was going to order for SD15 for Christmas and have it sent to BM's house because I doubt we are going to see her until January. But maybe I don't need to get it. She has never once gotten me a gift or even given me a handmade thing. She doesn't text me on my birthday or holidays or her half sister's birthdays, She only asks if there's going to be a party for her to go to. In the 8 years I have known DH he is only ever gotten one gift from SD and it was a ballpoint pen that said Dad, and this was when she was 6 and still nice. She is always turned up empty-handed. She's 15 and has no job so I don't have expectations for her to buy gifts but something handmade would have been nice. I once gave her a stationary set complete with cards and envelopes and I even included stamps. No one in this household ever received one of those cards. Several years ago I got her a friendship bracelet kit because she loves all sorts of crafty kits. That would have been a wonderful gift for her to make and give to pretty much anybody but she didn't even open the box and left it in her room at our house.

If I look at my text messages I can't even find the last one that she sent to me. If I search for her name it comes up empty.

Maybe I won't buy it. Maybe it's time to shed the obligation.

This SS and his wife

are only doing the exchange because they are both rather materialistic. Obviously, they aren't there to enjoy the fellowship of family. Good riddance.

Wowza

Your SS sounds like a total dick.

It makes my skin crawl to find out he is also a racist prick. Your DH must be so proud . NOT!

Now your christmas just got a little more brighter.

Cheers

You bet!

He Is a total dick. I have many, many stories of his "dickiness" that I could share. His younger brother is so different than the Duke of Narcissism. While younger SS doesn't exchange gifts (doesn't take part in the Secret Santa my kids and spouses do) he shows up at Christmas and contributes something to the meal and enjoys talking with everyone.

Dang

I'm with StepDrama...what a dick. But hey! What a way to end money grabbing! No more gifts!!! I feel your kids' excitement as I've been there! DH's adult kids rarely gave anyone the time of day in this house until the holidays. Then it was "game time." DH gave huge cash gifts and I filled the tree with fun, smaller gifts. They showed up with......drum roll, please.......NOTHING for DH (and don't even think they ever bought me anything...LOL).

We finally had enough; DH says, lets pull names. They never responded. That year, we went to minimal gift cards; what a shit show that was! The whining and complaining. Each year, we'd send normal gifts....would never get any response...so we finally stopped it all. DH now sends gifts to his grandkids.

On my side, we still exchange gifts. My bio kids have always bought gifts for DH on all major holidays. They love DH and have a great relationship with him so no way am I going to let greedy, entitled, selfish people dictate MY holiday celebrations. I'm glad your DH was able to point that out to his selfish son and now son gets to wallow in his own shit.

Stand firm on your new plan. Best to you.

Every year

These stories get to me. SD 16 has given her father and mother presents. Not me. She did however last year give me a small ceramic item she made in class for my birthday at husbands suggestion. At 16.5 she currently has no job and has not asked to do chores to earn money for presents. So who knows. Previous years Ive taken her on shopping trips, with $100 or so limit. Given $100 cash. Last year I think I gave $50 gift card and thats it. The gifts from me have been diminishing. All the extras too.

This SS has taught me

to NOT invest in people that can't be bothered investing in me. I don't mean financially, either. He's shown me disrespect too many times over the past 17 years for me to give a rat's left nut about him anymore. He has repeatedly slighted me - as has his wife - so I went grey rock. He has noticed a change in my attitude toward him but doesn't possess the brains or class to acknowledge I've pulled away from them because of anything THEY might have done. Disengaging from them both has really been a Godsend.

My kids love my DH too

My kids love their StepDad and spend the same on him as they do on me. For years, Dicky SS would spend $$$ on DH and I'd get a $20 gift card. I didn't care until one year SS looked at me and shrugged his shoulders when I thanked him and his wife for the gift. That pissed me off and I brought it up to my DH and asked him what HE got from them. He was shocked when I told him what I got and how arrogant the Duke of Narcissism behaved when I thanked him. My DH told SS to only give us combined gifts - like a gift card to a restaurant or Amazon so I wasn't made to feel like less. That's been what they've done for the past 5 or 6 years. Now they don't have to worry about it! HAHAHA!

My daughter set me straight.

I've been trying 15 yrs to get my SDs to care. It failed. As I was putting up our Christmas tree which is covered with ornaments of our family events I passed a comment to my daughter that maybe SDs felt uncomfortable spending Christmas with us. Just look at our very personal tree. They are not a part of that. My daughter got angry and told me to let it go. She says they had years to join the family but chose not to many times. She says I waste space with them in my head. Lol.
it's hard. I think it's near impossible for me to have house guests and not get special food in or cook. If SD does come after Christmas I won't do anything and DH will be insulted. Look. I don't want a war with him.