I actually think you have the right idea.

Seems like some SKs go around assuming that dad is just an extension of their mom/BM, even many many years after the divorce. In reality, they have no recognition that dad is his own person and is with someone else now.

I don't think you can underestimate how easy it is for even adult SKs to go around with some sort of fantasy in their heads that dad is still 100% owned, and I do mean owned, by BM and them. And, SM, like you said, is the proverbial servant girl, who exists simply to do DH’s, SKs’ and BM’s bidding.

If SKs don’t get it that you and their father are husband and wife and your DH does little or nothing to correct their behavior, it is time to do whatever you feel like doing. Whatever you do, don’t go around enabling their behavior and allow them to get away with acting like you are servant girl on the side who is supposed to cook and clean, stay in the background, and defer to the one and only “real family,” which you, of course, are not a part of.

You don’t have to pay the price for someone else’s divorce by giving up a piece of your soul. Do what works for you AND take care of yourself. This means that if you want to be gone when SKs come over, by all means be gone.

"I am not going to change my plans just because you made plans that don't involve me"

You need to disengage. DH invited them over or agreed to a visit - he gets to deal with it. He can cook. He can clean and fetch and carry and entertain. He can shop and watch his grandkids. You can go about with your own plans. When he choose not to communicate with you and treat you as his partner, he can deal with his own crap himself.

Obviously you telling him that this was not okay with you didn't sink in. Maybe because he's more afraid of his kids than he is of losing you, maybe because he doesn't care that you don't like it. I don't know, but he's been told and now you need to actually do something about it. You did not agree to this, not to watching someone's kids for several days, not to hosting a visit. So DH he needs to figure it out and make a whole bunch more plans to be out. I'm sure there's a new movie you could be interested in, there are paint chips to be looked at, shoes to be tried on, coffee to be drunk and books to be looked at in stores or libraries. Whatever will make you happier.

If that doesn't sink in, next time check into a hotel and tell your H to call you when they've left.

I agree with Aeron. Your dh has agreed with all of sd plans on his own. He did not consult you but he expects you to participate. I am sure he expects you to do the cooking, cleaning, kid watching. Do not do it. Tell him now that since he made the plans, he can do the rest as you have made other plans. He can cook, clean and kid watch. If necessary rent a motel room until it is over. Otherwise, this type of behavior will continue and more of you will be expected.

I hate sports watching on tv and my dh would get angry with me when he invited his ds to watch football on tv if I did not sit with. He expected me to entertain ss during commercials. I look back and I am like "wow" I cannot believe how much he tried to control me because of ss.

Do not participate as they do not appreciate your contributions. Sd is only using you.

jam. All of the other posters are spot on. Once your husband is left to cook, clean, and babysit all on his own there more than likely will not be a repeat of this situation. If it does happen again simply react in the same way by making yourself unavailable. That should do it. If the house is a mess after they leave hire a maid service and charge it to your husband. No way should you have to bear any additional housework for house guests and your husband who are so inconsiderate of you.

Beyond me why you just didn't either 1) demand full disclosure of what he knows and isn't telling you, or 2)if he is really so clueless about this whole "SD is coming over Sunday ", that he call and clarify her intentions.

Surely SD didn't just text Dad and say 'coming on Sunday'. End of story.

If your husband doesn't think he needs to include you in on the decision to have people over, if he feels it's okay to to just make these plans on his own (especially keeping the kids for days?), he can handle it all on his own and do all of the work.

Frankly, this would piss me off, even if I decided to do nothing for them and do my own thing. This is your home, too, and you would still have to deal with their unwanted presence.

You can't work on a project in your own home because SD might still be there? He doesn't even know who is coming or for how long? This is just ridiculous and very disrespectful.

I honestly don't know what I would do because in 20 years, my husband has never put me in that position.

Perhaps it would be a good time for a sudden visit to see your family. Leave DH with the herd of small wild boys and let them have male bonding time. Boys 7,5 & 2 it doesn't get any wilder and messier than that! No wonder there was fear in his eyes when you said you'd be out for a bit.

I think it is time to work on the porch and see how DH fairs taking care of his GKs. If you have repeatedly told DH that the Skid crap is unacceptable then it is time for him to feel since he won't listen.

I agree with the posters who've advised you to absent yourself. Continuing the porch project doesn't seem viable to me, because the gskids will make a mess of it and because it still gives your H access to you. Somehow, I always ended up with the gskids when they visited, either because they sought me out or because my H would suddenly need a long bathroom break, had to make an important call, etc. Don't be an option.

Some people can be reasoned with, and some need to burn their hand on the stove. Just be gone, and turn off your phone. It's all about giving your H uninterrupted time with his gskids, dontcha know?

DH used to do this all of the time - at the last minute. At that time I was still trying to be the perfect wife so I would just shrug my shoulders, cook, clean, take care of dogs who ate my shoes and pooed on the carpet. Well, guess what? I never -ever received any acknowledgement, not even a thank you. And neither will you. I am telling you this because I am asking you to not be as stupid as I was. Stop it now - it will not get better. I agree with telling DH to meet them at a hotel.

I WOULD NOT LEAVE MY HOME.

I used to do the same as you are doing. Finally I decided it would never change, unless I changed it.

Just say "NO". It gets easier the next time '

If you don't want to do it, just say we need to discuss this and work it out.

Don't they want to stay in a hotel with an indoor pool and daily bed changes PLUS free breakfast buffet?

I tried every way possible to drop hints. I no longer wanted to entertain, cook, or be a maid for SD56 and her family. All I ever wanted was for everyone to do their share and take turns with holidays, etc.

Most people have common sense enough to take hints. My DH and SD56 are truly people that cannot take a hint. SS58 and family and SS53 have never expected me to always do for them; they are respectful of me and help, when we all get together. Then when I flat out told DH and SD "No", they were "so hurt", and lashed out. I explained to DH that I tried and tried to set a trend of less work on my part, and everyone to share the work, so we could all enjoy. He still thinks it just "you hate my kids". I finally gave up and now I just stand my ground and say "absolutely not!"

DH sulks, most of the time he just won't talk to me. He plays the game of "tit for tat"; which I ignore. My disengagement (7 years) is hell, but I will not go back to being treated so badly. I would rather just take the cold rejection and move forward. I'm hoping, after years, the games will just fade away. I have not been their maid now for 7 years.

50% of the time, my DH is trying to do better and the other 50% is sulking, especially during holidays or his birthday. I know most of this is DH realizing his mortality and he wants to have his kids at his side and put me on a shelf until he wants me to entertain, cook, and be the sweet hostess.

I am 69 years young and want us to relax for our retirement years and my DH80 seems to turn up the burner on me rejecting the "happy family" thing.

It is an ugly tug of war; but I have been hurt enough and look back on all the disrespect I put up with. I wish I had opened my eyes years ago; I'm sure I wouldn't be here with my DH, if I had paid attention to what was going on.

My DH's brother and SIL are raising their 7 year old grandchild (and have been for the past 5 years) because the child's mother has flown the coop and the father (her son) is a recovering alcoholic who has only been sober for a couple of years - and he seems to have no interest in raising his son.

I've been VERY explicit with DH that there is NO WAY that we will ever be raising the child that his spawn SS30 and the babymama just had. Nor will we be babysitting, etc. Not that I think that would ever happen.

Babymama's mother is total besotted with the baby and keeps it every weekend. She also bought them a house and has paid for everything. She's also at least 25 years younger than I am. Actually I am happy for the baby to have someone who cares that much.

he said he felt that the questions were negative & he did not want to ask.

The next time this happens, HE needs to ask the questions or it's a no go.