It seems have hit the fan
Oh boy. Where do I begin. I have two skids. As age 40 and sad age 37. Ss has kept is distancenfrom me and my dh. My dh hasn't had much of a relationship with him even before we married. Months and months go by and ss never acknowledges my dh for birthdays or fathers days or Christmas. I know this hurts my husbands feelings but he just accepts his sons behavior. Mind you dh sends ss and sd checks for their birthdays and Christmas. Ss big a job on a house we built 3 years ago. He was the lowest bid so contractor gave him the job. Ss couldn't get out of bed to come and do the job some days. He subbed out the work he was to do to other subs. Drug his feet causing delay after delay. Then started hinting around that he wasn't making any money on the job and wanted more money. Stated he didn't bid the job right. Now keep in mind this is his own business that he has done for many years. And I was also the one paying for the house, not my dh. We never asked him to give us a special deal and when we first told him about the job he said he was to busy to do the job. He later changed his mind and bid the job. Needless to say it caused big friction with my dh and I. Dh did not want to confront ss about not doing the job. I felt I was being taken advantage of because I was paying for him to do the job he was hired for. Then 9 months after the house is done the furnace froze in the actic and broken water lines and major water damage. Ss took no responsibility but we later learned that ss had never put that kind of furnace in the actic before and had no experience doing so. Needless to say we had to fork out $2300 to move the furnace and had to make a claim on homeowners policy which now costs hundreds more each year to pay for increase in premiums. So about 1 1/2 years after this happened ss wants her brother to go skiing with us. I told my dh I am ok if the ss apologized for the way he handled house job. I got a business email with a half apology. I accepted this, welcomed him to the ski weekend. No stress and I thought all was ok. Almost 2 years later same distance and no communication. If dh sends him a text he will respond but my dh must be the one to initiate the text. So now let me move on to the sd. The s@@@ hit the fan yesterday. The sd from day one has been protesting our marriage. She would refer to me before we married as my husbands women. Never called by my name. It felt as if she was referring to me as a prostitue. The way she came dressed to our wedding in her 99 cent flip flops, spaghetti strap short dress that barely covered her butt. Looked like she was going for a day at the beach. She has been telling her dad what to for years and if he doesn't comply she gets mad. She had a baby about a year ago and since then her passive aggressiveness has gotten worse. She has not been blatent in my face about her resentment of me but lets me know by dismissing me, ignoring me, and making me feel most unwelcome in my own house. I have cooked and cleaned and have had them stay in my home. I feel I have bent over backwards to accommodate her. She wants her daddy and she wishes I would just go away.
My SD56 even put it in
My SD56 even put it in writing; "why don't you just move out and let Dad have the house, so we can be a normal family again". We were married 35 years when she wrote this hate email (2) pages long.
I understand being treated just as you have described. 37 years and I've turned the other cheek; I disengaged seven (7) years ago and still have never had words with this wicked woman. My SD has since tried to be nice and every time, she has a melt down and runs off at the mouth again. She will never apologize and she will always be looking to run me off.
I let it go and I have my own life now without my SD; although she never stops. Disengagement is the best thing I ever did and wished I had never engaged from day 1.
I hit the save button to fast
I hit the save button to fast so didn't get to finish this post. Anyway I wanted to disengage from sd but dh didn't want me to do so. We agreed to create a list of boundaries and expectations. He sent that list to sd yesterday and it hit the fan. Now sd states is cutting off all communication. Blames me for relationship my dh has with his son. List husband sent was just to be civil and polite. Keep insults and options out of all conversations. And if we are unavailable when she comes to town don't get mad about it. To respect our marriage and respect me. Dh acknowledges that sd has not excepted me in the past but think she was coming around. We had a misunderstanding I guess between sd and myself at Thanksgiving. I don't think it was but rather more of the same. After many many years of this I was just done. Wanted to disengage. Well now the sd has done that but my dh is feeling pretty bad about it all. Not sure what I can do to help him with this. This whole blow up with the daughter is not want I wanted but no matter what she will never admit her behavior of the past has been unkind to me. My dh promised me that he will not throw me under the bus but I am so worried about this. He is a wonderful man and I don't want our marriage to suffer because of this. SD has been in the middle of our marriage for years. I believe her ultimate goal was to cause so much friction that we would divorced. My dh acknowledges that if we got divorced this would make the sd very happy. I am not willing to allow sd to control our lives even though I think my dh would suffer her wrath just to keep the peace. Please any advise you all have would be much appreciated.
I have to agree with
I have to agree with 'sammigirl'. Disengaging may be best in some situations. Not everything or every relationship, was meant to be. I believe we can have individual relationships with people and we don't 'need' to be a phony happy family. Perhaps that's something to think about. I love to see my son and my grandkids, but have no interest in seeing his wife or her kids. Its never comfortable and she criticizes every thing I do & say (after the fact). Disengage is a good term. I often say "I refuse to participate in that"....when its something that cause me grief.
You DO NOT need your DH's
You DO NOT need your DH's permission to disengage. Just do it.
Toxic aholes should ALWAYS be removed from your life. DNA be damned.
I wanted to disengage from sd
I wanted to disengage from sd but dh didn't want me to do so.
Too bad.
Your DH bows down to his kids to keep the peace? That keeps the peace with them, what about keeping the peace with his own wife? What about demanding a little respect for his wife and his marriage?
My dad would never put up with this crap from me or my siblings and I would never put up with it from my DH. DH wouldn't let his daughter disrespect me like that and he doesn't let her disrespect HIM like that. He's not afraid of her.
Stop accommodating people who treat you like dirt and those who allow others to treat you like dirt.
Si my husband says he won't
Si my husband says he won't through me under the bus but i am worried. Sd is very manipulative and knows how to apply pressure to my dh. Dh thinks daughter will now cause trouble within his family by trying to gather as much support for herself to go against me. I have never discussed sd behavior with any of his family so they will probably be surprised. I also think after a few weeks go by that she will try a end run and try to get her dad to just see her and the baby without me present. if he agrees to this it will make thing worse. i would have disengaged from her before the blowup but now if she tried the end run i would feel she was once again controling her father and be in the middle of our marriage. It seems to me that she is acting like a jealous women. Doesn't it seem unnatural for the sd to want to talk and FaceTime on a daily basis with her dad? She is is so obsessed with her baby bonding with my dh. Yesterday we got her late Christmas present in the mail. Calendar she had made with a big picture of the baby for every month. It seems so obsessive like he is somehow going to forget she has a baby. Trying to understand what is going on inside that head. Sd has made it clear thru her behavior that she doesn't want me to be the sgrandma which is her right.
She is is so obsessed with
She is is so obsessed with her baby bonding with my dh.
This could be a manipulation tactic. I mean, it could be she wants her kid to have a relationship with Grandpa, but people like her will use their kid to manipulate others.
"Not sure what I can do to
"Not sure what I can do to help him with this." You do not need to help him at all. He is only doing what he SHOULD be doing - making his marriage his first priority, and this is what you deserve as his wife. You should expect this.
Let him determine what kind of relationship he wants to have with SD as long as it does not interfere with you marriage. You do not need to discuss disengagement with him - just do it. Don't discuss SD at all, and if he wants to talk about her don't reply or just say "Hmmm". It is obvious SD doesn't want her child to call you 'grandma'. That shouldn't bother you if you want to disengage from SD.
A SP does not have to have a
A SP does not have to have a relationship with adult skids - especially almost middle aged skids. It's great if it can happen. And a relationship generally does eventually happen if the adults involved are semi-normal human beings.
But when one or more of the participants (could be either a SP or a skid) is just an unreasonable, hostile louse then it's just best to keep one's distance. And keeping one's distance usually should also involve keeping your mouth shut.
No need to try to convince your partner that their child is "bad". You know it - that's enough. Just politely decline any interactions. For example I just decline DH's invitations to do things with SS or his family. I can always find some excuse even if it's just that I am tired. I never say things like "I don't want to spend time with those people."
Your DH is responsible for any relationship he has with his children. dot. period. You do not have to try to facilitate or heal any rifts in the relationship.
I have almost nothing to do with DH's adult son, his GF or their baby. I do not bad mouth them. I am polite and civil when I see them for maybe an hour every few months. But they are truly nothing to me. I don't hate them. I actually wish them well. I'm just not invested in their lives. And that's okay.
All well and good, and all
All well and good, and all very true. However, the co-dependent withdrawal results in a maddening racket, at least in my experience.
Gird your loins and plug your ears, I guess.
More story. Sd sent email to
More story. Sd sent email to dh on dec 27th telling him she no longer wants anything to do with him or me. Said maybe after some time passes things can change. This means that we have to change, not her. She thinks the email my dh sent to her is idd and if he doesn't think so he should take some time for himself and re read it. Of course the sd in her reply email chastised him for communicating with her via email. I find this strange since most of her communication with him us done via text or Facetime. So now I am waiting for the bomb to go off. Sd baby will be 1 year old next month. Don't think she can stand not sending my dh picture or video of the event. I am fearful that sd will manipulate my dh into excluding me and try to issolate me from my dh and continue to try and undermine our marriage. I want to try to prepare for this and how best to deal with this. Any ideas out there? .
Your SD may start to work to
Your SD may start to work to improve her relationships with you, if both you and DH can force yourselves to stand your ground. It will be difficult, but worth it in the long run. Tell your DH that nothing changes unless something changes.
My SD30something had a baby last year, and she has improved her relationship with me by texting both DH and me in a 'group' sometimes, since SGD was born and sending a birthday card. SD and I don't have a comfortable relationship, but it isn't as strained as before SGD was born. My guess is that she has discussed me with her SO, and he may be giving her feedback after visits. The extreme PTSD dread I used to feel, and the arguments with DH before her visits, have diminished. SD still sometimes does bratty things, but not nearly as bad as when she tried to get between us and break up our marriage.
Thanks for the 'heads up'
Thanks for the 'heads up' regarding SD and SGD. I will be very careful about not getting attached.
Dadswifeorwhatever has a
Dadswifeorwhatever has a valid point. My SD always seemed to welcome me into their lives, when the SGkids were little; needed a babysitter. I was involved with the SGkids and became very attached to them; then bang! SD decided, when Gkids were older, I didn't need to be part of the family and especially where the gkids are concerned.
I quietly backed off, completely disengaged from SD56 and SGD32 (mother/daughter). They decided to gang up on me and make my life miserable; but had never known the "I'm finished" side of me. I totally just dropped the ball on DH and walked away from engaging with them and never looked back. It is a long story, but I set my own boundaries; I never set boundaries for anyone else, including DH. They're on their own. I do nothing for or with any of them any longer and have not in the past seven (7) years.
I just politely said "screw you all". Then I stuck to "my" guns with my boundaries. I do not participate in the hateful treatment and passive aggression they wish to dish out. They don't just engage in this treatment directed towards myself, they do it to other family members. I seriously don't care; that makes it easy to stay disengaged.
I now have a life of my own and live it as if I've never met these toxic women. I am not engaged with my two grown SS's either; but then we never were cozy, just friends, which remains the same. I do have to put up with these women's presence maybe 2-3 times a year; but I actually find it easy to ignore their presence, even in our home. I can't even tell you what came out of their mouths this past Christmas, when they stopped by to visit DH for a couple of hours. I just tell myself, it's only for a few hours and it will pass.
Do not let yourself be treated badly by your DH or anyone else. Take care of yourself.
((((hugs))))
I feel for you. What a rotten
I feel for you. What a rotten position to be in. If your husband can see your side of things and realize how manipulative she's being, I hope he can stick it out and stick by you. It's obvious she wants him and that means he has leverage. He should insist you be included--IF (a big if) you want to be but under no circumstances should she be coming over to your joint home if you do not want a relationship any longer. For your peace of mind, disengaging may be the sanest thing at this point. If you're strong and your marriage is strong, you may not mind it in the long run. It may save you alot of heartache. IMHO, it's the expectations can cause so much grief. We expect them to be and act normal and honestly, they can't or won't. Some just will never come around. Honestly, it's been years. They're middle aged. Honestly, how likely it is really at this point? If DH is strong, he may be able to force her to at least be civil if SD wants her child to have a relationship with grandpa. Good luck!