I am currently disengaged
Submitted by peacemaker on Fri, 08/15/2014 - 9:16pm.
I am currently disengaged with my adult skids, and it was not done in hatred toward them...I did it to take a break from their toxic culture, and to work on and focus on my own personal issues...It is what I discovered after having a breather for over a year that was most interesting to me, and convinced me, at this point in the relationship that things are pretty much over between us. Their relationship with their bio father has completely failed since they chose a life pattern of unforgiveness and bitterness regarding their parents broken marriage...I had no desire to carve them out of my dh's life....No, they accomplished that all on their own...I was just a casualty that was caught up in all their unresolved issues from day one...They have always sent the message that they did not want me in their lives...they only wanted their father...he was a workaholic and was not present most of the time...As everyone grew older it was I, that initiated all the get togethers, gifts etc...like many of us here on this site...Of course, after sticking it out for 26 years, I felt very disappointed when they did not reciprocate the love I shared with them...Now I have learned it was because I had bought into the false expectation of what it would look like if I "loved them as if they were my own" because that is not reality they are not my own and never will be...Once I realized my expectations were false, the disappointment caused by them has slowly, with time and a new understanding...lost it's sting. Now I am starting life afresh...I have been able to accept the reality of my relationship with each one of them, as it has to stand on it's own merit...and quite frankly, there isn't one....the trust has been completely destroyed between us because of their choices. I do not hate them...I still pray for their freedom from their issues..and wish them well. But for me, I have wasted 26 years of my life caught in their delusional way of thinking... and I am moving on....I am still married to my DH and do not feel like we have to divorce to allow me the space to move forward with my new life...It is a personal choice i have made for me and my own children. I know if something were to happen to my husband...my skids and I would probably never initiate a relationship with each other again.

So, I am starting now...they have all collectively stated that their family is "none of my business" and I couldn't agree with them more. This experience has taught me a lot, and for that I am grateful...but I really can't afford to waste the next 25 years of my life in this bottomless pit...I gave until I disappeared...during the disengagement, I found "me" again...and I thank God He taught me to never again let someone speak into my identity... less than who He says that I am...

I think 26 years is long enough to give someone a chance to get it...I do believe that people can change....I am no longer holding my breath...it is over for me also... I have ended the war my self and have moved on to embrace my new life without them in it....Disengaging helped me to obtain the mental space I needed to refocus my thoughts on all the good things going onion my life...there is so much good that was being overrun by the bad that they continually bring to the scene...that I couldn't connect with it anymore. It is so refreshing to break free and return to true happiness. I have so much to be thankful for. My bio kids are fantastic people. I have a wonderful husband who is kind and thoughtful. I am returning to college, I am healthy, full of vitality once again now that the depression has lifted from my life...It is a new day for me, and my own family,,,we have been put on hold long enough... the best part of this whole experience is that it brought me closer to the God that created me, and I am moving forward... on an adventure to discover my true self and who He created me to be. My life has a much bigger purpose than the role of stepmom...to be perfectly honest..I am looking forward to discovering what lies ahead....

»

People by the tens of thousands are in Vegas over both Thanksgiving and Christmas. I wonder if they're all disengaged?

...it's your life...you choose.

When someone tries to place false blame on me because of their limited understanding of truth ...I just simply inform them that "There isn;t any truth in that and I refuse to receive it". Once you receive a falsehood into your being...then you have to struggle with it to get it back out of your realm of thinking...you find yourself defending yourself and right back into playing the head game with them...

Their false blame is not yours to contend with...If they conclude incorrectly that is their misgiving...A big part of disengaging is choosing to no longer concern yourself with what they think because you realize that most of their opinion is screwed up because of the way they have been raised to begin with.

Why we choose to do things is just as if not more important than what we choose to do...

Why are they trying to spin the blame on you? Is it because they cannot look in the mirror at themselves and deal with their own baggage? Probably. Each one of us bears the responsibility to do just that. Deal with our own selves...We are not responsible for everyone else's mess...That is theirs to contend with.

The fear of what they are saying behind your back...and even if they do blame you...It's a head game to keep you defending yourself so you will stay on the merry go round to now where...When I disengaged..for a few months, my dh would ask my opinion about his adult offspring...and I would interject what I though...until I realized it was still messing with me even though i pulled out...I didn't totally pull out...Once I stopped interjecting what I thought..he finally got the message I was done with their antics and if he chose to participate in all the madness...he would have to do it without my opinion....just keep me out of the drama...

Reminds me of the old Mikey commercials when they try and manipulate him into doing what they want him to "Let's get Mikey...Yeah...He won't eat it He hates everything....then he downs the bowl of cereal,,,just like they wanted him to.

Mikey disengaged from all the manipulation, and now he owns the cereal company...lol...

disengaging is wonderful feeling isnt it? keep that thought in mind whenever things get tough.

To avoid this frustration when we have extended family in or home for the holidays we cater the meals and clean up. It makes the whole thing so much less dramatic. It also gives eveyone freedom to socialize rather than a few people doing the cooking and cleaning up.

If we are visiting my ILs, we rent the large conference venue in the hotel we stay at, cater the Christmas or TG dinner, anyone who wants to brings their personal signature holiday dish and we have a ball without the drama and mess. We put holiday videos on for the kids to watch on the projector and the adults do their thing.

It works great.

Interstingly it is not notably more expensive to cater a holiday meal than it is buy all of the items and prepare them yourself. The few $hundred difference is more than made up for by lack of stress.