I hate BM
I know that's a strong word, but today that's how I feel. My BS accidently hit my SS's car a few weeks ago. They are both over 18, but the car is in the ex-wife's name. My son filed a claim with his insurance company. The only damage was to the back door. The car is 18 years old, so the damages were more than the car is worth. We found out yesterday that the check for damages will go to the ex and they are not getting the car repaired, but will use the money for other things. My son's insurance will now likely increase. Both sons have had a good relationship. My son recently asked SS to be godfather of his son. I know this situation will come between them. My son feels as I do, that SS should have the car repaired or not file a claim. I emailed my SS last night and told him my thoughts. I'm sure I'll be getting an email from the x today. She has done so many things throughout the years, but this is the final straw. I want my SS to know that his actions will have a reaction. The X has done things like this to her brothers and sisters and I hate my SS is learning the same things from her. Any suggestions on how to handle this situation? I don't want to resent my SS, but I can't help it.
I can understand how you feel
But then again, its not SS its the mom. He may not even have wanted to do it, but the car is in his mom's name. And I am sure you already know how she feels about you and your marriage and your family ties, so she is being that way for those reasons. I would ask that you seriously think about SS and how he may feel, now he is in the middle between you and his mom. I do have to ask though if it were a stranger, would you want to know if they were fixing the car, would you expect them just to say well its ok never mind. People are driven by money. Or put yourself in SS shoes, and also out of the family tie, someone hits your car, even though its 20 years old, would you let them skate off freely? I don't know I think you are blaming the wrong person. SS cannot control the fact that his bm owns car? Its her car? Therefore he has to do what she says.. Does any of that help..
Happy
"live life to its fullest everyday"
I do realize all that. The
I do realize all that. The car is actually for SS, but in mom's name. Also, I would expect a stranger to do this to someone, but for someone's own brother to do it is just ridiculous. As I said, my son was willing to repair the car. I just don't think it's fair that they are receiving a check and not fixing the car. Perhaps I am focusing my anger on my SS because he allows his mom to do this stuff and believes her crazy butt. He thinks she is right in all and we're the idiots on this end. She has done so much to hurt us, but in the end it only hurts SS and he does see it. I guess this is just the final straw. How do I stop feeling this way? And how do I stop thinking about them constantly? I really don't want this to come between me and my husband or our sons.
But it's not the brother that's doing it, it's the mom.
I know it's hard, but you have to try to take SS out of the equation, because even though the car is for his use, it's still HER car and HER decision to take the money and run. She's the one being a hateful you-know-what. If it were HIS name on the car and HIM taking the money, etc., then yes, be mad at him. But if it's mom, you gotta aim your anger at her.
~ Anne ~
"The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there." ...Anonymous
I don't have that answer..
I guess I missed the part where the car was going to be fixed by son.. Just try to remember that he is a somewhat of a kid and that the car is his but its not his because BM name is on it. She is the person who is behind it. And also remember that this is his bio mom and of course he is going to see her as the queen, its just the thing that kids do. All kids do that, even kids who are abused always love there parents. Its the law of nature I guess. Anyways. I hope you can let it go for your sake and the family. Deep breaths a lot of them. But you know if you want to feel better kick her butt ok I am kidding but wouldn't that make you feel better. To just vent out all your frusterations she has ever caused. I know violence is not the answer..
Happy
"live life to its fullest everyday"
The truth of the matter is this..
Lovers do not finally meet somewhere, they were with each other all along.
If bs had hit someone else's car, offered to repair it and they decided to file a claim instead, what they did with that check when they recieved it would be none of yours or your bs business. Besides, how do you think ss feels about bm taking the money and using it for something other than repairing his car..as I am sure he would prefer his car, no matter how old, not look like a dinged up p.o.s. Let it go, tell bs to let it go and dont blame ss for any of this.
I agree, let it go. This is
I agree, let it go. This is the kind of thing that often creates rifts between all kinds of family members and friends, not specific to steps, and I always think it is a shame. In the end, BM's judgment or lack thereof shouldn't be allowed to have the power to interfere with anyone's good relationships. Don't get caught up in the details, that's my advice. These are all adults, with a baby involved that will benefit from a continuing good relationship. Try to help your BS redirect any resentment rather than encourage it. It's just not worth it. *You* can come vent here
Thanks to all
All of you have offered good advice...I like the one about kicking her butt best JUST KIDDING...I know I can't do that, but it sure would make me feel better. As I said I knew I would be getting an email from the x. She is "so upset and angry regarding my email" and said SS is done with me. She called me every name in the book and said SS doesn't want anything to do with me again. I am really hurt by this, IF that is actually how he feels. I have always treated SS with respect and have offered to do anything for him. I have never treated him badly. As a matter of fact, during Christmas break from college last year. BM would not let SS move back in with her because he didn't pick up after himself. They live in another city and SS had a job. He was basically on the road for a week before being able to come live with us. I offered him a place to live and took every good care of him. I guess it doesn't matter what we do for these kids, they'll always resent the step-parent. I'm just really disgusted by everyone involved. I'm going to talk with a counselor tomorrow, but I do not want this to come between me and my husband. I haven't responded to her email as I know this won't help the situation.
Don't talk to her
And don't listen to her. The whole car repair thing - I think it is her car, she can do whatever. As aggravating as that may be - it is still the way it is. But - don't take her communication about SS's feelings! Talk with SS. You said it yourself - "If that is actually how he feels"
Talking with a counselor is a great idea. Don't let it get between you and your husband.
It is so frustrating, but you can handle it!