I could write a novel

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I'm considering going for counselling. I have reared my DH's 2 children since I first met them, when they were 6 and 8. That was 24 years ago. None of them speak to me now. The hurt and anger I feel is making me feel ill. DH hid a mountain of debt from me, when we first met. I also didn't realise that he wasn't a worker! I fell in love with this children first and foremost and foolishly married him even after I had discovered the amount of his debt. I couldn't leave the children. In order to keep a roof over their heads and to keep the bank from taking everything, I worked night and day, like a slave, in his business which I hated. I was unhappy, stressed and distraught for the best of 20 years. I did everything, somebody had to! I became a person who I didn't recognise during those years, trying to cope with overwhelming stress. I was angry all the time and I will regret this for the rest of my life. I simply couldn't cope. When the 2 children became teens, another layer of stress was added, especially SS - his behaviour was off the charts bad. DH would NEVER discipline them and often took their sides when they were misbehaving. I was always the bad one. SS got involved in drugs, and moneylenders were coming to our door, threatening us and demanding payback money which he had borrowed. All this, when I was struggling to pay the bills. He was still forgiven, got him into Rehab, got him a place to live, got him into college. But he lied and took more money and in the end I'd had enough. I called him a Sociopath, told him he enjoyed hurting me. He has declared he will never have anything to do with me again. When I had a big birthday recently, SD announced at the 11th hour that she wouldn't be coming to the get-together. She knew how much it meant to me that she be there. When I voiced my unhappiness, she declared to her father that she wasn't speaking to me again. She also stopped speaking to him. I kept that family together, had I not come into their lives when I did, the kids would have gone into foster care and he would have lost everything. This is what I get for all the years of misery and hardship I endured, trying to keep everything together. I'm beyond upset. I'm glad to come here to be able to vent. DH just walk away when I say anything :(

Don't write a novel; write a

Don't write a novel; write a self-help "warning" book, make money, and start living your best life! Seriously! In fact, start living your best life before writing the bestseller (and it would be one, believe me).
At various levels, many many people have lived your life. It's primarily women who gladly jump into the role of caretaker, caregiver, and then on top of it breadwinner with the best of intentions, only to be crapped upon and demonized. Your DH is a moocher and his kids are ingrates.

I experienced two ingrate skids (who, thank God, did not live with us) and a husband who wasn't good at handling them or their mother and who had problems with boundaries early on, and we suffered for it, although not for a long period. Had DH chosen not to "make it up to me" financially or had he not set boundaries with his kids and worked to protect our homelife, we would not be married. Still, there are moments I feel that deep pang of regret about certain times in my life/our life together, wondering, "WHY did I put up with that?!"

I hate when those thoughts creep in, but it helps to remember that I am taking care of myself now. We have arranged our life so there is little skid intrusion (I never see them--I'm done), he has boundaries, I know very little about them, I concentrate on my life and our life and focus on my work, my projects, and people who are decent and kind.

Counseling helps! Yes!

You can regret a long period of your life and you can make sure that the rest of your life will not feel regrettable.

Thank you MorningMia - your

Thank you MorningMia - your response has helped me. Sometimes I just need to know I'm not the only person in this situation. I spend too much time beating myself up and feeling this is all my fault. I know that's not true. I wasn't perfect, but I tried my best, for all the right reasons

This is how so many of us end

This is how so many of us end up - it is actually wonderful and brighter once you work through the grief. Make it your motto to live your best life.

Welcome.. and I'm sorry that

Welcome.. and I'm sorry that you have spent so many years serving this family with no appreciation.

I will be highly clear.. that the person who first and foremost owed(s) you gratitude is your husband. I always sort of take the line of thinking that parents are primarily obligated to care for their children's needs (wants too to an extent). When a step parent comes in and takes on some of that (or all of that) burden.. they are taking on their PARTNER's obligation.. job. That means that the partner is the one who owes thanks to the SP for doing their job. The job also includes raising kids to be decent human beings and productive members of society for parents.. and I'm guessing you tried there.. though sounds like daddy undermined you a fair bit.. probably led to issues his adult kids deal with to this day.

And.. don't get me wrong.. parents in intact families can try to do all the right things by their kids and the kids can still have issues like your SS.. my brother had an addiction that took decades for him to get under control.. and I will say that emotionally and mentally.. he has def been changed by that experience.

But, clearly, his kids don't have the bond with you that you might have hoped.. probably due to you coming in and "taking over" their lives.. it may have always been some resentment.. because correction without connection can breed resentment.. when stepparents try to "parent".. their efforts are not always appreciated or valued.. I'm sorry it seems his kids are taking this stance.

But.. in the end.. you spent the time.. it's in the past.. what do you want your future to look like? do you want to stay with this man? Is there any relationship worth saving with him? Forget his kids really... they are adults.. they will make their own choices.. but is this guy the partner you want for the rest of your life.. if not.. move on.. be sorowful for the time spent.. but don't keep beating yourself up over it.. you have time left.. enjoy it.

Hey, ESMOD,

I realize that I've mentioned, in the past, my admiration for your brilliant, insightful posts. Your willingness to speak your truth, despite contrary opinions, your empathy and wisdom, your gentle sense of humour are such a bonus to this site!

So, Evil Stepmother of Death, I'm compelled to embarrass you again in recognition of your recent comments; I’ve been busy for the last little while and was catching up on ST this evening. Your responses were so shrewd and supportive that they warmed this old heart.

It's unfortunately a tale as

It's unfortunately a tale as old as time. The Evil SM gets the blame in the blended family anytime a conflict comes up. Sacrifices go unnoticed and are met with zero appreciation. All the while, bio dads are guilty because they feel forever indebted to their "divorced children". Excuses will always be made. Efforts will be fruitless.

Chalk up your losses and start living your life! It's not too late to make changes.

Thank you Dogmom1321. It's

Thank you Dogmom1321. It's truly a tale as old as time. It's up to me now, to just forget about them and to move on with my own life.

Counseling

Counseling changed my life and it can change yours, too. I hope you find a good counselor

It’s a novel no one would want.

To read. ''How I was force to get PTSD ''. Did that once

My BFF (we have been friends

My BFF (we have been friends since we were in 2nd grade) Mom use to give us what I call "life lessons" when we played canasta with her on Friday nights. My friend was serious about a guy that planned to go on to medical school after they graduated from college. She was going to work to help put him through school (this was back in the late 1960's). As I was dealing the cards, her Mom told her that was a stupid move, that she would end up putting him through school, work hard, etc., and then when he made it he would dump her for some younger woman. The younger babe would enjoy the fruits of all my BFF's work and sacrifice. Her Mom, didn't say this as a lecture, or a what the heck is wrong with you thing. She just said it matter of factly, as it was just something that came up and she was talking about. The lady was a real sage with her advice. Well, it got my friend's attention and looking out at all those years for him, she decided against it. The BFF ran into him many, many years later. Her Mom was right. He had married someone who helped him go through school, etc., and then dumped her for some more modern version after he made his mark in the medical profession.

You are going to get a chuckle out of what she told her son as he was getting ready to go on his first date. Also, a Friday nite Canasta party for us. Looking at her cards, she told him: "XXXX you make sure you keep your zipper zipped." Didn't expec that, but you get the idea. He responded: "But what should I do if I have to go to the bathroom". At that point my BFF and I just burst out laughing. My friend's Mother got her point across.

Welcome to Step talk

Know that you are not alone.

What you have gone thru is similar to what many decent step parents go thru.

We are here for you, ok?

No experience is ever wasted. Neither is the time invested.

Take the experience and use it to live your best life going forward.

Write off the baggage that provided experience that did not make a positive contribution to what you invested while taking the lessons forward.

Take care of you.

Rescue ranger parents do no one any favors.

Including their kids.

Better to let the rotten spawn spend time in jail and stand before a judge rather than bail them out. As for drug dealers and loan sharks knocking on the door of my familoy home? Not only no but F-no, I would have grabbed the noxious stoner spawn by the scruff of the neck and marched out of the door to have a "talk" with his suppliers and loan sharks.

Don't get me wrong, as soon as the the door closed I would call 911 and report the kidnapping so that the criminals would also get their comeuppance. But, the kid needs to feel his poor choices.

IMHO of course.

As for dating boundaries and preparatory parental advice. My mom was Mrs information. She gave me books on male and female puberty, body characteristics, etc.... One was Men and their Physiques and the other was Boys Growing Up. Both gave the basics on male and femaly physiology, the process of puberty, reproductive processes, etc... Dad was a little less comprehensive. My dad talk was ... "Son, come in here for a minute. Sometime a little honey is going to want to drag you into the bushes. See that box on the top shelf of the closet? That is a box of condoms. Make sure you have one with you and that you use it when you dive into the bushes with any girls."

Our son had been through my moms boy puberty course and reading list. When he started dating in HS, he had to repeat the mantra before leaving for the date.

"No glove, no love. Wrap it before you tap it." As it worked out, we had nothing to worry about. He had a couple of girlfriends in HS and the girls in band were all over him just about constantly. He is a very attractive young man. Tall-ish, slender, chisled features. His group of friends used to give him a hard time about having no sex drive. The band girls really were pretty much a smorgasboard he could have partaken of at his discretion. Nope.

Im so sorry you went through this.

And we are here. Write as much or as often as you need to. Ive been in this 11 years and got zero appreciation as well as loads of conflict.

Read around on here - you are NOT alone.

And, Welcome to Steptalk.

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