Husband feels obligated to buy 42 year old daughter's cigarettes
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My husband has 5 children all very grown. His oldest is 42. She won't work. She has a 9 year old and is constantly getting her utilities turned off. I get aggravated when he goes to give her $20 a couple times a week so she won't be without. He says he doesn't want her to get edgy with the 9 year old and that it's his DAUGHTER. But I feel like she needs to grow up and support her own habits and stop worrying her dad constantly. We are on a fixed income btw. He gets mad at me for getting frustrated. Today I said, so this is just going to be forever and he isn't speaking to me now.
I think I would be obligated
I think I would be obligated to split my finances.
^^^THIS^^^
Definitely. My exDH used to play 'Mr. Big Man' with SD and his family as long as 1/2 of the bill came out of my pocket, Paying for everything - vacations, dinners. you name it. But would be oddly absent when it came time to pay for my family. I finally got tired of it and said, "You pay for your family and I'll pay for mine." Real strange how his spending habits changed.
My advice is let him get mad. Inform him that you are going to be paying !/2 of the living expenses. If he wants to treat his daughter to cigarettes it will be out of his pocket. Period. Do not respond to his anger, and calmly stand your ground.
I have to tell you from experience that if you take part in this petty game it will only lead to more manipulation by him and loss of self-respect for you.
This will never change...
My DAH(Dumb A$$ Husband) did the same thing, only SD40 (Leech) was living with us, Because "Leech has trouble keeping a job". Over the last few years, Leech was kicked out and things have changed as DAH has gone no contact with Leech over all the crap and choices she has made. Prior to the no contact, any time DAH would spend one thin dime on her I would take 10 times the amount he spent on her from DAH's separate savings account. The money I removed from his savings account was added to my private account that DAH doesn't have any access.
Maybe you should do the same thing with your DH or separate your finances. You could take 2 times the amount that he spends on his lazy adult daughter. You would be surprised on how fast the amount adds up.
She's lived with us several
She's lived with us several times during the 14 years we've been together. She even lived with MY MOM for a while and it always ends bad. For example, once when she had her now grown son and her 9 year was a newborn, she went to her cousins for a weekend and we had finally got her signed up on for food stamps and asked her to stop by the store on the way home, she got angry, left her room in deplorable condition, then got on Facebook talking about deadbeat dads at 31. When she lived with my mom she made everyone's life miserable. She would constantly text and say things like my brother didn't bring milk home and there's none there for her child. My brother was NOT in a relationship with her and my mom was just letting her stay there out of the kindness of her heart. Cleaning that room, I found about 20 balled up diapers and again she left it deplorable. Now she's been in this low income housing for about 7 years and has not had a job. She let her license expire several years ago. She says that she is depressed and going to sign up for SSI but I highly doubt that they will give it to her because there's nothing physically wrong with her. DH is very wishy washy with her. Sometimes he's aggravated and vents out loud saying he's not going to give her anymore money but within a day or so he's doing it. He usually tries to avoid telling me or omits it from his day. I honestly don't know how often he's doing this. It's probably worth mentioning that she's 3 years older than me, as she was born when he was 16 and that he's 19 years older than me. Besides this issue, we have a great relationship. This is just the constant issue and he doesn't understand why it bothers me. I feel like she'll never get better if she isn't forced to stand on her own feet.
She is 3 years older than you
She is 3 years older than you!!
Ok, that is weird, I'm sorry. I would definitely be drawing a line in the sand over all of this with your husband.
Besides SK's Most of Us Have Great Relationships, but SK's are
a deal breaker and a wrecking ball to the marriage.
Your DH is responding out of guilt. He feels if he just keeps giving her what she's asking for, they'll live happily ever after.
She sounds like a wakling molotov cocktail wrapped in human flesh.
I don't know what else to tell you, except if you have any income, make sure you keep your money separate.
I would let him know everytime he gives her money you will match it in your bank account. See how that goes over.
I would much rather let the
I would much rather let the utilities get turned off, call CPS and take custody of the grandchild than to keep enabling a useless crap adult child.
Obligated. That's a good one.
Obligated. That's a good one. $20 a couple times a week is about $2000.
Are you and DH able to pay all your bills, buy groceries, see doctors, put gas in the car, etc.? If you are, maybe you can think about this as something you are doing for your DH's benefit, and let it go. If you can't cover your own expenses or do something you want to do because that $2K is gone, then that's a whole different story. It's not ok for HER to suffer without her nicotine stick, but it is ok for you to go without? Oh heck no.
Lots of people are hiring right now. Why can't she get a job?
Things get tight by the end
Things get tight by the end of the month. We have no savings. If we had plenty of money it probably wouldn't bother me AS bad, but her refusal to anything to better herself is maddening. Someone did call cps a few months ago because her power was off and her house was nasty but she was able to hide and get it cleaned up and a church stepped in and paid her power bill. He acts like this is normal and constantly says "it's my DAUGHTER." I get that but I don't understand why he makes her being out of cigarettes his problem.
Oh Gawd
So big daddio supports the adult DD for a very unhealthy habit. Nothing says love than enabling an unhealthy addiction.
If you are on a fixed income this is a total NFW . Now your DH isnt speaking to you because you commented. What a suckhole. He is bullying you into submission.
JERK
Seperate finances. Thats all I got.
We went thru this
We went thru the whole saga of DH "helping" (enabling) SD60 for years, long story. We separated finances a few years ago. He has his "allowance", I don't know or care what he uses it for. We do subsidise a certain agreed amount for her shelter expense, she's on disability. But not one more cent out of the family money.
You know.. I think the best
You know.. I think the best thing would be to set the budget... lay it all out there with what regular bills need to be paid and show him that his supporting her to the tune of 160/month is hurting your household. Absolutely, if you could be saving 150/month give or take that would be a great way to build a savings cushion.
And... with the way that food prices are going up.. you are likely to NEED that money in the next months.
Now, if you can put a budget together that covers all your needs.. starts building a rainy day fund.. AND allows for you each to have a small amount of discretionary income? it's his business what he does with his discretionary.. but if there is no EXCESS.. then he has no business buying an adult woman ciggarettes.
Perhaps he could help her get assistance for food/power/housing etc.. if she is so destitute?
Budget
Take over the finances. Lay it all out.
The excuse "but thats my DAUGHTER" can be turned around to "and smoking will kill her, so its in your DAUGHTERS & GRANDKIDs best interest not to enable that habit", then suggest nicorette instead.
When he takes joint money to
When he takes joint money to spend on his loser daughter, withdraw an equal amount and squirrel it away. When/if he notices, tell him its only fair that you get the same amount of discretionary cash.
Make sure things are very tight - run out of staples he likes and serve meals he doesn't - and arrange things so you do run out of money before the end of the month. I'm talking empty fridge, empty pantry, ramen for dinner, gas tank empty etc. Tell him he needs to pick up a second job. Basically scare him a bit with financial reality and discomfort.
She must be on the government dole. I know you can't buy certain
things on food stamps, or debit cards, they now issue, but she can scrape up enought money to support her smoking habit, or better yet, she can STOP SMOKING.
Your husband is the main problem. I could maybe understand if it was food, or something nutritional, but CIGARETTES? Man! Those are crazy expensive.
With the two of you being on a fixed income, there's absolutely NO REASON he should be supporting her habit.
It's the truth
That's why he won't talk to you,He knows it's going to go on forever until she eventually wises up or grows up,She's a 42yo mother with a 9yo, Surely she can get a job doing something a job that works around school hours? Is she mental health issues anxiety depression drug alcohol use bi polar? Something must be wrong if she can't get a job or budget herself and your hubby is worried that she'll take it out on the 9 year old,But by buying her cigarettes and making excuses for her he is enabling her to be that leech,You need to seperate your finances,Let him blow his money on her needs,Do not give him or her any of your money, Explain to hubby that she's 3 years older than you and that this behaviour is what seems not normal,I think your hubby is to blame by enabling this behaviour and his daughter knows that daddy always has her back she probably knows it annoys you too but she doesn't care,But yeah sounds like it's going to go on forever,She can only help herself and eventually grow up
Hey guys
So I know this is an old thread and so much has happened since then. First she was evicted from her apartment for not paying the water, a few days after a chyrch had paid her power that had been off for months. Well he did put his foot down and didn't allow her to move into our home so she had to go to the homeless shelter for a few weeks. They were the only place that could help her because if we had let her come to our house she would have just gotten comfortable, expecting a pack of cigarettes every day, rides, food etc. Anyway they put her in a really cute little house on a step down program. Brand new furniture the works and she paid nothing. It was supposed to be in 2 years she should be able to pay half of the cost. Well a year later she hasn't done anything and the lawn mower they bought her conveniently disappears. They had to have been in a hurry to get her out of there and moved her back on hud and put her in a tiny little apartment above a Chinese restaurant. She needed help moving her belongings, she didn't have much as all the furniture had to stay and we couldn't figure out why every time we had free time and offered she declined. Well now she's once again responsible for the power bill AND almost 3000 in damages to the first apartment where she just abandoned everything and went to the homeless shelter. She has zero income.Well that's why she didn't want to go over there. The power wasn't on. She kept putting it off and putting it off and finally they showed up made her move her belongings outside and locked her out. So now she and her now 10 year old is at the new apartment with no power. It's $200 to get it turned on. He swore up and down he wasn't paying it and didn't for almost a month when he got his retirement check, he said he prayed about it and had a side job he was going to do and he just can't sleep knowing that they don't have power. So he does it much to my extreme frustration. But I've taken a 2nd really good job and make a good amount more than him now and I've been refusing to make up for anything he gives away. He said he was done but not 3 days later she was asking for cigarette money. I'm pretty much in control now until the 3rd Wednesday of the month. But it's never going to get better. Her 10 year old daughter weighs 213 pounds. It's heartbreaking for this child.
Taking over the finances
I took over the finances, too. DH's Soc Sec comes to the joint account and I give him a monthly allowance. He can spend however much of it he wants on SD but not one penny of the household $.
I'm sorry for you, your SD sounds like a hot mess. It's awful for the grandchild. It's hard to watch, I know.
I would
Figure out the household bills. Rent, electric, water. Insurance. Food. Clothing. And make SO give you 1/2 that money. Just to make sure your Monet is not going to SD. SD is not going to change oe get better or change her life. You can only do so much then it gets old. She should be on social Securty because she has mental problems.
I can't get past that your DH thinks that buying his idiot
daughter cigarettes is somehow in the best interest of his granddaughter?
Any support he provides is facilitating his ID's crap. He needs to let her hit rock bottom and work with the authorities to get his granddaughter away from that trainwreck he has created as his daughter.
IMHO of course.
I alerted cps
I alerted cps to the no power situation but by the time they came to do the report, my dumb ass husband had paid her deposit. We were talking about her last night and he said he really thought she would get a job and I laughed until he was pissed. It's been 17 years, she has an almost 11 year old daughter that has literally nothing. No school clothes, stepdaughter is constantly saying they don't have food, etc. I don't know the outcome of the CPS thing but I do know she told people she thought it was me who reported her. Y'all, this child is well over 200 pounds, but cries, literally sobs for her "mommy" if she stays the night anywhere. The child told her aunt she's tried to get her mom to get a job but she won't listen and told the aunt that they were a different kind of poor. This child has never participated in an after school activity, never gets to do anything. It's so sad. Of course husband feels like he's betraying her if he were to get in contact with his granddaughters father. I keep telling him that she deserves more but he isn't going to stop.. This child is going to be a completely inept adult.