No advice just lots of empathy. I hear you I get stuck on how SO can consort with the enemy, it feels like a betrayal. The other half of me knows its his kids so I should understand. I keep going around in circles.
I hope some disengaged veterans chime in on this. One can only hope that time heals the resentment, at least to a place that it doesn't consume you.

Bless your heart Moose...I was wondering how you were making out.

Getting over the resentment is different in different situations, but hard to do regardless.

Strictly going from this post:

"I really resent the fact that SD was allowed to bully me yet again at Christmas. She did it so outright. DH didn't call her on the carpet. He says it won't do any good she will never change."
No one allowed your SD to bully you. If you said nothing to stop it, you yourself allowed it and I don't mean that as a slam against you. Disengagement does not mean that you don't call BS on the skids when you see it. Waiting for your DH to step in and KNOWING he won't just sets you up for more resentment. If SD says something mean to you, deal with it then and directly between her and you. If DH gets mad, that is a separate issue, but you know by now he is not there as your back up. He can keep all the peace he wants to for the sake of the GSK, that is not necessary for you to do it and you should make it clear to DH that for future notice, the way you take care of yourself from SD's wickedness may not correlate well with his lack of response.

"I really resent the fact that they got exactly what they wanted."
You both got what you wanted. It matters more that you focus on what YOU want and work towards that. Getting them out of your life leaves them interacting with DH alone and while that feels wrong, it has to happen. I felt hurt from this same thing, as if DH were living between two families and I was part of the "outsider" family. This is a part of what you have to work through and let it go. Most, if not all, of their past transgressions may get overlooked and never talked about again, but you can change that going forward.

"They also now know that they can totally walk all over me and DH won't do anything or say anything about it."
Correct, he has made this clear that he won't back you up but you have the right to defend yourself if necessary and if you are disengaged, you have the right to not be around them AND if you are, you have the right to call them on this behavior when they provoke you. If you give it to your DH to handle, you already know he won't. I don't know about the dynamics in your marriage and maybe things have been a certain way for so long that you and your DH accept that you will not be outspoken when SD is mean to you. My DH did not want me to argue back with SS, but I laughed and explained to him that I am a force with which to be reckoned when someone hurts me for no reason so he better stay back and stay out of it unless he is there for support. Ovaries are MUCH stronger than balls...

My DH questioned me one time about SS and his wife coming over for dinner, and this is after I had disengaged and about 3 years after they quit coming here to the house because I somehow made them uncomfortable, but it was unclear why. I said to DH, well, since no one wants anything to do with me and YOU have told me it is because I make them uncomfortable, then SS needs to call me and explain to me what I could have possibly done to him to make him hate me so much. I won't play happy family without this question answered and I certainly won't participate with all these damn elephants in the room. Nope, secrets and lies prevailed but you can damn sure bet there was no happy family dinner!

Moose, you have a lot to work through with all the hurt. I well remember that hurt. I don't expect my words to ease your pain, but I hope they do in the regard that you can get a different perspective on this while on your journey through this mess....so many big hugs to you

Seeing his kids couldn't have possibly been pleasant for you. You chose to disengage - you took the power back and made a decision that was good for you. That's how you have to look at it. Yes, they got what they wanted. But you also got a better situation for yourself. Focus on that.

Your post could have been written by me a while back. I went through the same thing and the same feelings. But honestly, I was so damn relieved I no longer had to face SD, that tension, the slights, being an audience to the inevitable SD "me show," SD showing up three hours late every time we got together.

The other thing I got from disengaging was a little peace with my husband. Every time we went to see SD, I came home angry. I often couldn't hold my tongue and then I'd feel petty nitpicking every slight that my husband just didn't/wouldn't acknowledge. Then we'd have a fight and lose another day or two of life. Even when she wasn't there, she managed to piss me off - sending him a holiday gift and card without even acknowledging that I exist after I did so much for her wedding just that year. That doesn't happen anymore because I don't do a thing for her. So when she doesn't acknowledge that I exist now, it's OK - I don't acknowledge that she exists anymore. Tit for tat. Even steven.

It's not the way I wanted it. I still wonder why we can't be civil. On a bad day I wonder what I did that this person was so awful to me that she couldn't even put my name on a postcard she sent to OUR house. I feel unworthy.

But for years I felt as if I had to keep trying with SD, putting on my fake smile and enduring. Whatever husband and SD decided, I had to make work and with a smile on my face (this time I'm invited, next time I wasn't invited; SD wants to get seafood, even though they both know I'm allergic to it; SD wants to see this movie, even though I already saw it, etc.) because if I make a fuss, I'd be the bad guy. When I chose to disengage, it was the first time I ever got to call a shot in this three-way marriage. Finally, FINALLY I decided how the relationship would go: I decided to disengage. It's not what I would have chosen in the beginning, but when it was clear I would have to endure SD's mistreatment because no one was going to defend me, it felt good to say: I'M DONE. And my husband couldn't say a damn thing about it because he was part of why it happened.

The resentment has abated over the 14 months since I disengaged. There's less conflict. And as it turns out, SD doesn't really seem so needy of my husband now that the punching bag isn't along for the ride.

Give your decision to disengage time to settle. See what life is like for you without seeing the spiteful little cuss. Allow yourself to enjoy prolonged peace of not having unsettling visits with SD. Stop thinking of it as his skids getting what THEY want. Just let that go. Enjoy what you get out of disengagement.

I regret that I never got to scream ugly names at SD the way she did me on several occasions. I regret that I accepted with open arms her new husband. I wish I hadn't let her slights go on for so many years. But I know I'm the better person for all that. And I think others (including SD's new husband) see that I am the better person for all that. They know who the real problem is.

I am not comfortable cutting people off. I think it's a failing on the part of those involved. I fought that for years only to be continually mistreated by SD. But it takes two to want to mend fences and have the self control not to let emotions tear it apart again. Your skids and my SD don't have the self control to be civil.

You did your best. You tried. Now enjoy the peace of a failed effort that will be SD's ultimate loss. Don't focus on your husband failing you in regard to SD. If you aren't willing to divorce him for it, nothing can be gained holding onto that. I really believe disengagement and the peace it brings is the reward for knowing I tried and did the right thing for years.

Let the resentment go.

It takes a while for the joy of disengagement to settle in. Give yourself some time, and focus on the good parts.

I won't rehash what others have said so well, but if you are disengaged that means you don't have to be in her presence unless you choose to be. Could be that your DH will choose to be with her/grands rather than you, but you will have your peace.

If there is nastiness most every time you are in her presence, and your DH will not defend you and you standing up for yourself doesn't work with her, then why subject yourself to a miserable day? I'd rather be home by myself or out with girlfriends. If your DH doesn't like it, then what is he going to do about it with SD? Nothing, because that's what he does. But YOU draw a line and set boundaries for yourself so that you can be happy and healthy. Nobody, including your DH, gets to take that away from you.

I am a Grandparent.

This IS a huge copout statement NOT YOU but what your dh said.

"He wants to keep the peace with her so he can see his grandson".

OP every single time I hear "BUT I want to see my Grandchild", I kid you not---it is the go to card when the adult (dh) will not put his adult kid in check.

Read the stuff on here. I have too heard it with my own ears from a friend of mine who's adult kid went down the wrong path and DH wont say anything.

BUT I WANT TO SEE MY GRANDCHILD....nice try Grandpa why don't you stick UP for your wife make your daughter accountable first.

OP,,,I wouldn't see my Grandchild again I guess IF I heard my adult kid bad mouth my dh---
if I lived in that world.

I really could have written this post, just change the ages of the adult skids.

It made me mad that the got skids got what they wanted. But I started to think that I had a choice. I could still be in the SD's presence if I wanted. Unhappy, ignored, uncomfortable, listening to all the boring stories of when they were a big happy Original Family (they were not). I choose not to go. I got what I wanted - peace.

As far as resentment towards DH goes, that is harder to accept and more important. When my DH used to go visit OSD and gskids in the Holy Land, I fumed the entire time he was gone because I did not sign up for marriage to sit at home while DH went off and hung out with people who hated me. What other people who hated you would he hang out? None, JUST HIS KIDS. And that feels so disgusting.

I will tell you time helps quite a bit and seeing your DH dedicated to your marriage. He has to validate your feelings and appreciate you. If you do not have this validation, you will not be able to heal. I don't what else your skids do to hurt you....are they are going to make demands on him to drive a wedge in your marriage? If so, he has to stand up for your marriage realizing that his DD may use the gkids as hostages. This last part is so tricky and I think counseling is important to navigate your way through it.

In my experience, the resentment I sometimes feel is due to my personality type and my (unrealistic) expectation that life should be balanced and people should be inclusive of others. Thus, I felt that if my family welcomed, accepted and cared for my SO, I hoped and expected the same from his.

The unfortunate truth is that life is not balanced nor is it fair. When it comes to the weight and balance of step relationships, the scales are rarely even.

Even after disengagement I am still learning not to give head space to SD and her self-centered attitude towards relationships with others.

It is difficult at times because it is against my nature to do so. For example, when holidays/birthdays roll around, she now gets a generic text or generic card, nothing more. Normally, I enjoy being generous and giving gifts and/or springing for a special meal or treat for people in my life. But with SD, I am still learning to put on the mental/emotional brakes and push out thoughts of doing anything special for or with her. It just won't be happening - ever.

I also resent the fact that she welcomed her husband's entire extended family and actively included them in her life within the first weeks of her relationship with him. By contrast, I've been around for almost half her life and it's only within the last couple of years that I can say with any certainty that she knows what my last name is. If that isn't telling, I don't know what is.

When we went to her wedding, this truth was solidified. Her new sister-in-law, whom she knew for a year, was going on and on about how close they were, how much SD was part of the family, how much they all LOVED her, what an awesome person she is, how generous and kind, etc. The whole time I sat there thinking, "Who is this woman they are talking about?" Because she has never shown me any of those stellar qualities!

Yet, I sit by and watch at how my SO is considered a true member of my family and is treated as such. My family has a genuine warmth for him. This is something I will never get from SD. It is an imbalance that is hard to accept as it does create resentment. Moose, this is like your kids accepting your SO but you won't ever get the same from his.

Plus, knowing my SO was too chickensh!t to ever confront SD about her attitude/behavior over all these years doesn't make it easier. There is no way of knowing whether it would have had any positive result, but I do carry resentment that he never even tried. I am childless, but I can't imagine if I had kids that I would let them get away with being so dismissive of someone without having a good knock-down with them at some point. Granted, as adults they can choose who they want a relationship with but they also must know the consequences. Which is often why we SPs resort to disengagement.

I must confess that the resentment over this (and anger at times) does affect how I feel about my SO sometimes. I now keep those feelings to myself because I've learned that trying to get my SO to see my side of it doesn't really change anything. Even he agrees that it's not a good or healthy situation and he is disappointed in her, but he is powerless to change it.

I think it boils down to parental angst - he is terrified of pulling on the tenuous thread of connection he has to her, even if it meant fraying OUR connection.

What a lousy circle dance we all wind up in, isn't it? And one can only guess who will be left standing when the music stops.

For me, it is remembering that the illusion I had of a happy family with the skids had no chance of being a reality with his child. Anyone who married my dh would be a target of abuse.
It is nothing personal.
He was broken before I got here and there is no easy fix.
I do wish things could be easier, but know that they never will.

I didn't realize that DH's balls could be given to skids as part of the divorce settlement. It feels like a betrayal as you should expect to be treasured and respected in your relationship as well as DH's protection by not tolerating any disrespect towards you. Unfortunately this doesn't always happen, particularly if DH is ball-less. Speaking from my own experience there.

As to the disengagement, let the resentment go as you're the only one giving it energy, replace it by focusing on you and treat yourself. You feel like they won but they got 1% of his time, what it is is that you feel prioritized last on the list. I feel you got a really good trade, a day every second week for the absolute sheer bliss of not having that circus in your home, to me that is a win. What I wouldn't give, as it is I get the SO and skid love-fest every.single.weekend.

I also believe for me it was because I had this illusion that if I was nice, welcomed them with open arms, and treated them fairly then it would be a great life. I was sadly mistaken. It isn't just me that they use and ignore. It is their paternal grandparents also.

I also feel resentment - though I had started to disengage, it wasn't until this past Christmas that I made up my mind that disengagement was the right decision. I also realized too that my DH will never call them out for their passive aggressive behavior. If they were to be rude to me in front of him - I do believe at this time he would address it. But until that happens...I won't honestly know for sure. Even though I signed all the Christmas cards - gifts were given - I was never thanked. They thanked my husband right in front of me but never said Thank you to me. That is when I decided - I'm done. One of the sgrandkids even came up to me and said "Look at what Grandpa gave me." I kept my mouth shut - it wasn't worth it.

I also told my children that they do not need to have any type of relationship with the skids. Both of mine have tried but continue to be ignored. I also told my DH I don't give a damn if we never have a blended family...my kids don't deserve to be ignored or gossiped about (I don't know if the Skids do...but I highly suspect they run home to BioHo and tell her stuff)

I have decided to focus on my marriage and my own children/grandchildren. My DH continues to receive group text messages that include the BioHo and I at times also feel like I am his "other family".

I am so grateful for this site - it has helped me tremendously to know I am not alone and to also receive advice from Veteran Stepmoms!

Testicle free daddeee...yes, many of us live with one of these men. We keep trying to help daddeee find his family jewels, but the likelihood of that happening is like winning the jackpot on the Powerball.

You thought you married a man, who would parent his kids; not happening. You thought you married a man who would protect you from rude, bratty kids; not happening.

After years of hopeful thinking, you stop over thinking it and reluctantly begin to accept your reality. Eventually, you accept it completely and realize it is freaking hopeless. You take back control of your life, whereby nobody dictates the rules but you- about what you do. Now you know you are the winner. The winner is the person who never or rarely see these ill-mannered pieces of work; or watching daddeee morph into some love sick stranger you would have never married.

Moose, as I have written before this could have been me 7 years ago when I fully disengaged from SD, and somewhat from DH. Several of the posters have suggested that you have to take up for yourself. This can really be hard at first because you been lying on the floor for some time now, serving as a door mat for the skids and for DH.

The best thing I did was go to a therapist on my own. She helped me to gain self-respect and confidence enough to set limits for everyone. I let DH know that I will be standing up for myself if I have to but he will have my back or remain silent.

Like you I am married to a man who will never be able to demonstrate to SD that our marriage is his first priority. At first I was very resentful of DH and his lack of support for me as his wife. My respect for him took a nose dive. But when I started respecting myself, a strange thing happened: DH began to respect me more but it was a slow process. First, we quit talking about SD. I don't mention her, and if he does I change the subject. He knows by now that I am just not interested. One of the most liberating moments was when DH was on the phone with SD and exclaimed, "She says she LIKES you!" I replied so SD could hear me, "Thats' B.S. She doesn't like me and I don't like her." In other words, I let them both know I would no longer play the game. I was done - finished.

Your SD is plainly trying to drive a wedge between you and your DH. Just be honest and tell him you are getting overly-saturated with SD, she is not nice to you and you don't want to be around her. If DH brings up joining SD at the game remind him he will be seeing her during his bi-weekly visit, but you would rather this be a time for just the two of you. If he says she is going to drop in while he is at work, again remind him he will be seeing her during his bi-weekly visit. If he says he is going to SD's house for the holidays remind him that he sees he every two weeks, that holidays are for the two of you. He may not like it but you need to stand firm on this and let him know you - and your marriage - are worth it.

The thing you want to do is demonstrate to DH that it is in his best interest to try to be as much of a good husband to you as it is to be a good Father to SD. If SD were to enter our home and treat me like she did before disengaging, she would be leaving immediately. If DH takes her side against me he can follow her out the door. It's non-negotiable.

I am sorry Moose that you are experiencing this hurt and anger. I, along with many others here, have or are going thru this also.

Disengagement has many stages, as stated here. I can only tell you that my stages were very similar to what you are experiencing. My DH, BM, and Skids are all dysfunctional compared to my first marriage and my past. I didn't see all of this at first, of course. I was led to believe by DH and his kids, it was all BM's fault....EVERYTHING. My SD57 has been a mini wife from approximately 1 year old. I have heard the same ole' stories of their past over and over and over. You don't have to be a professional to read between the lines and know the blame was DH, SD57, SS59, SS54, and BM.

One day I realized it wasn't my problem, I didn't create these people's problems, they did it themselves, and I wanted no part of the mind games. I actually woke up one day and didn't care at all. Seriously, SD is dead to me and she absolutely will never be a part of my life again.

DH betrayed me to SD57 and SD57 threw DH under the bus. So it all blew up and I came out of my corner with "all is fair in love and war". I was hell on wheels for 4 years and it is now beginning to calm down. Only because I let it go and DH and I are building from here on. I set boundaries for myself and let DH stay in his narcissist way of life. Again, not my problem.

I don't think about it. I am totally disengaged from my grown Skids, and my DH has accepted my disengagement, because SD57 has shown her true colors and he understands why I disengaged. I can ask for no more, than to be left alone, and DH to understand.

It sounds like your DH has accepted your disengagement and SD doesn't want you in her life, so you WIN! My DH visits with his kids and families any time he wishes, but I don't feel the need, so I do something I enjoy, while he is enjoying.

What you are going through right now? You are left out of the step-family circle and it is part of the result of your disengagement. You feel like you have lost the battle and your SD has won; not true, and you will know this when you realize it doesn't make sense to waste your life on engaging, believe me.

You can do this, I am doing it and feel better every day. I am myself again and have my freedom back, after 30+ years.

((((lots of hugs)))))

Time for some tough love. YOU are the one that allows the SKids to bully you. If you don't like it, do something about it.

Yes, of course your DH should not tolerate anyone bullying his wife, however..... you are the one who is being bullied. Why do you tolerate it?

smh

This is my issue with disengagement. It abdicates personal responsibility for how people treat you. I don't ignore assholes who think that they can treat me in any way other than with basic human dignity. I don't give a crap if they respect me ... but for damned sure they will not abuse me without suffering the full force of every bit of unpleasant consequence that I can rain down on them.

Time to shred the ball-less DH's prior relationship toxic crotch droppings. If they so much as scowl in your direction... bare their asses immediately, publically and as brutally as you can within the confines of the law.

Don't tolerate it. And if DH doesn't jump in on confronting the progeny of his gonad defecations confront him just as publically about hot having any balls.

I would were I you.

Grrrrrr!

As for dealing with resentment.. the only thing I resent is the rare episode of resentment to my own reaction to toxic behaviors from the blended family opposition. I don't give those feelings any legs and tend to refocus on confronting the toxic behaviors in the opposition rather than allowing any of my own feelings of resentment to grow.

As you all know I have disengaged from my partner's worthless son, his daughter and the BRAT who has just turned 9.

I pretended I did not realise it was her birthday. They did have some kind of celebration but as I am persona non grata, I was not invited and so forth....I didn't give a monkey's anyway.

His daughter is evidently working longer hours and collects the 9 year old BRAT at approx 8.30pm on most days. NOT MY PROBLEM. I make sure I go upstairs and don't park my car too near the house as she will craftily beg lifts as if I am her personal cabbielike she used to before... she appears to have now moved nearer my home within walking distance.

I let the grand kids go on my gmail. My partners you tube account denotes my email address somewhere and she has rembered the name of my gmail account. Unfortunately the BRAT when at my home has accessed applications and requested permission stating MY gmail account for her AND others who I do not know, to access games. I do not give my permission for some of the games that have come up as I do not know who these people are and if I leave my debit card details on Google play she could access things and pay for them If I left my details on Google play. My grandkids normally go through my yahoo account. I will have to change my Google password.

I saw a request for a purchase against the BRAT's name on an application and immediately took my debit card details off google play. She has never asked my permission so I am sceptical as to some mysterious transactions on my bank account
but should have taken action sooner.

My partner cooked some food yes2day. His worthless son and him were going to a party but the worthless son, who is NOT ALLOWED in my home still begged food off his dad.

I know I am heartless but I would not give that lying toerag the drippings of my nose if I saw him begging in the street.

He had the cheek to disrespect me and lie on me but is STILL indirectly wanting help from MY resources.

I think his daughter is still pilfering my cutlery but I have said to my partner that I ain't replacing anything until it is evident to him how the cutlery is walking out of the house and we have no forks left and are left to use plastic forks. I think she KNOWS that I KNOW she has been stealing cutlery and towels from my home but My strategy is to embarrass her in public one day...I am binding my time...

The towels are now housed upstairs..

I was in the office the other day and when I came home the BRAT was outside the work room. According to her mother the BRAT is not allowed upstairs in my home...funny how I have come home and seen the BRAT literally run out of my work room.....

I think the penny has dropped to my partner that I absolutely hate his daughter and the BRAT TOO and I think he has now realised the reasons why....

It isn't easy to say nothing when the person who says they love you more than anything does nothing when anyone, nevermind his/her own adult children treat you like dirt.

I think when your DH says that doing something about your SD's nastiness toward you will do nothing to change the way she acts toward you is an excuse for him not to say, "Hey, my spouse is part of our family, and as part of our family, I expect her to be treated with some sort of respect and so on..." Maybe he is one of those people who avoids conflict.

You asked about handling resentment. What helped me is to find a backbone myself and to stop trying to pretend that one day we would all be a big happy family and my DH would come to my defense every time one of his adult brood or any relatives brainwashed by the adult skids made a rude comment to me or started with their antics. I simply said to DH that either he say something when their rudeness starts or I will. Which does he prefer? I also asked him how would he feel if people in my family treated him like the way the adult skids treated me or him for that matter. He said he would not like it. So, I asked him, "What makes you think I do."

Enjoy your Skid-free time. I sure do. Do things for yourself. Keep busy. Maybe talking to your DH to tell him how your feel about things may help.

The hatred for me is plain from the BRAT. If her mother has severe toothache how can she go to the gym in the evening and not pick up the BRAT? At 9pm my partner had to take the BRAT to where her mother lives. She saw me as she was going out and DID NOT EVEN SAY GOODBYE. NO F****** MANNERS...

I don't believe her mother was even at the gym...her mother is supposed to be a Christian but had been a prostitute in the past... everyone knows that except for my partner...i think he has heard rumours but
may be too embarrassed to admit his daughter is a slut, sly and a damn thief..

I think my partner's daughter takes advantage of his good nature but his 2 children in the UK KNOW that if their father ever passed away or we split I WOULD NEVER EVER WANT TO SEE THEM OR THE BRAT AGAIN IN MY LIFETIME......

I sure nuff know what you are saying about DH allowing said skid to be disrespectful to you and do nothing about it.  I simply do not get it, for my DH is the same way.  I feel that he disrespects me,his wife when he refuses to acknowledge the snubs and rudeness of his coddled Christ Child.  He thinks his son sh*!s miracles, I am here to tell you all that I happen to know he does not.

SS never speaks to me unless DH is in the room, then he has an egg sucking grin and speaks.  Ditto his lovely new starter wife with her fake tits and brows.  They never spoke to me when they were dating, I would come into the livingroom and speak, I promis you I did not stutter, and the wouldn't say a word to me.  

One evening we were all sitting in the livingroom, and ss told DH he thought DH should get a dog. What for says DH?  For companionship says the Christ Child.  I saw red!  I spoke up and said well that is what he has me for, and ss mumbled something under his breath as is is standard method of operation when DH and I speak with one another, he grunts.  I cannot stand him!

Had he ever been nice and spoken to me, I would've never thought anything about that comment, but considering how rude he has always been, I took it as a slap in the face.  Well, a few days later, I got madder and madder about it, and told DH that I did not appreciate what ss said, or the fact that DH did not speak up for me when he said it - and that I let it go for now, but if he EVER says anything like that again I will address it with him and I do not care who is in the room to hear it - be it doting daddy, ss's starter wife who is just as rude as he is, or the Almighty hisownself!  I have had enough.  Suffice it to say I am thrilled ss is in the military and seldom ever comes home.  I pray he makes a career of it and is stationed as far on the other side of the world as humanly possible.

"how do you get past your husband being so nice to people who have done so many cruel things to you and never been held accountable for their actions at all?"

You get really involved in your own family, friends, pets, children, self.  Let DH go off and do whatever he wants with his kids. When he comes home listen and say things like "Oh fun" then get back to the business of being husband and wife.  A vacuum has been created because so much time and emotional energy was filled with trying to please skids , now that space is filled with resentment.  Know that you married a weak man and he will not change, it's okay though because you do not have to be a part of his other life. 

What would you have been doing with your time and emotional energy if you never knew skids? Whatever the answer is do that.  

On one hand the hurt and upset that runs throughout these posts is so sad. On the other hand, I find it comforting to learn that my experience is far from unique.  I have a lot to learn from all of you who have managed to get past the resentment.  It feels like I never will.

Moose, you said at the outset that they got what they wanted:  DH without you. 

This is where I am stuck.  DH continues to have a relationship with SD - and yes- uses the grandkids card.  I find it so hurtful and disrespectful to me.  I am working on disengagement but - like Moose- can’t get over the resentment.  It feels as though there are 3 people in this marriage,  almost like a mistress.  He calls when I am not home. The odd time I am, he asks all about her husband, his family, their friends.  Yet the game being played is that he is single.  There is never a word about me, us, or our family. 

If anyone has got past this short of leaving, please let me know.

Thank you all for sharing wisdom and thoughtful comments.

With my DW and NPD 30SS, who is playing the role of mini-husband, it feels like an affair of sorts. Since that’s how my first marriage ended, I have a hard time with this separate life my DW has outside our marriage. I am in individual counseling and am so grateful for the support and understanding I receive here. 

I too struggle with this feeling of resentment and abandonment, and I know it’s not healthy. But a lot of it comes from my past experiences that has been triggered by a very unhealthy relationship between DW and her disfunctional family. I keep telling myself I am not responsible for that disfunction because it existed before I was part of her life. I feel sorry for them all and just hope that by disengaging I will reclaim myself and with time my DW can find her way back to what we once had. It will never be the same, but maybe it can be enough. 

I guess what I’m saying is with support, counseling, and time maybe (from what I have read here) these feelings will subside. I worry that I will somehow get a false sense of hope that she will at some point “come to her senses” and see the situation for what it really is. I keep telling myself that the chances of that happening are extremely low and I have to keep reminding myself that expectations are a dangerous trap because when not met, the disappointment can be pretty hurtful. 

The tendency for many in blended family marriages to surrender their spouse to the toxic opposition and abdicate their position as equity life partner to their spouse has never ceased to boggle my mind over the years.

I refuse to play that game in my own blended family marriage.

Sad but true. It’s emotional abandonment that is equal to an affair they are not willing to end. It just sucks that commitment to wedding vows are just words to some when they mean so much to others. 

In the beginning, disengagement is hard. You hate that DH is out having the time of his life with his kid. Enjoying his time without you. Hearing God only knows what the hateful step has to say about you. Probably not defending you. There are a million things that go through your mind while he's gone, and when he gets home, you're worked up into a steaming lather! 

I promise, it gets better with time. I now look forward to the time I get to spend reading, shopping, going to the salon, or just taking a nap with DH is off doing whatever he pleases with the spawn. Just hang in there. It's something that takes a little getting used to because you are feeling abandoned, but when you begin to realize how much happier you are because you're not being forced into a tense situation, it make life so much better.