Herd parties
With Christmas arriving shortly, the time of another "herd party" is arriving.
Now...this is a concept that was totally new to me when I met my now Husband. I have been a step-mom before and we never had to gather together with ex's, ex family, boyfriend parents, bio-parents...in one great big herd to celebrate birthdays, house-warmings, etc,etc.
Husband has two sets of twin girls(at present they are ages 19 and 27) The oldest set were adopted by Husband when they were 3.
Only one of the four girls treat her Dad and I with any respect or friendliness. The other three are quite aweful.
If it makes a difference...BM walked out on husband with the blessing and encouragement of the older set of twins. I gather she had a better prospect in the wings. The second set and husband were blind-sided.
Now...I am grateful that she threw him away...because he is the kindest, most nurturing man I've ever met and my two adult children love him to bits:))
We have gone to a few of these herd parties over the last 3 years. They have been very uncomfortable, cold groups of people to be amongst. Most of BM's family don't have warm feelings towards husband. SD27's in-laws have become cold towards husband since he started dating me..due to badmouthing to them by SD27.
When Husband asks if we could take them out for their birthday on another day...separate from the herd...he is met with much shrieking and crying and being told that it is the kids that dictate when/how an event will be celebrated. We aren't allowed to take a couple of the grandchildren out for their birthdays if it is separate from the herd celebration.
These events require rental of a hall for goodness sake.
Husband and I prefer one on one time with the birthday person.
The youngest twin set had their 19th birthday in August and Husband allowed himself to be bullied into going to their herd party. I told Husband that he had to go on his own if he couldn't stand up to them. I refused to sit in such an uncomfortable place with such cold people. The girls refused to be taken out on their own, with us, for a nice birthday supper.
Husband has since decided to only deal with herd parties on events where having a smaller gathering wouldn't work...like a wedding or such.
This brings me to Dec. 7.
SD27 is having a house-warming. They had a home built and they are celebrating this day. I am mentally psyching myself up for this. I am grateful that it is double-booked with our dance team Christmas party so that we have an excuse to get out of there ASAP.
I guess I just don't get the need for these herd parties. Why the need to pretend we are The Reba Show? Why even spend time with adult-kids that treat their Dad like shit until they need money or, as in the case of SD27, dad to jump in and finish off the wiring in the house because their electrician went MIA and Husband is an electrician?(he refused). I'm so afraid I'll blurt out how she had a lot of gall to ask this favor of her dad after all she's done to disrespect him since he started dating me. She even let him know that he isn't her "blood". That "blood" is what's important as she sought and found her bio-dad four years ago(he will be at the house-warming too).
Would it be WRONG of me to thank BM for tossing away Husband? Her better prospect dumped her and she's now living in her sister's basement. Their girls are very upset that Dad has changed. He reads books, he takes dance lessons. Both examples thrown at him in anger and much tears as examples of him changing. Husband and I were married this past September.
I think I'll start drinking wine early that day!
I agree StepAside....I don't
I agree StepAside....I don't need to go. I don't mind the occasional popping in together to show solidarity with him...but he knows that I won't attend any more regular herd events.
In fact...when I've refused to go...one of his daughters commented on it and he told her that I had my big girl panties on and chose not to come.
Also...I need to get stronger in this. I know he's a big boy...at the same time I feel terrible picturing him alone in the herd of people that mostly hate him.
This house-warming coming up really isn't a crucial event. But it is one that Husband had used as an example to his daughters of events he would attend, along with weddings, baptisms etc.
I agreed to go along ONLY if it was short. Plus...he promised that we would leave on the first sign of ugly behavior...by anyone.
As it stands now...we will be setting up for our dance team's Christmas party...nipping over to see the new house...then coming back to the Christmas party/dance. Short and sweet.
I do want his world to see us as a strong, united front. That their behaviors will not ruin us.
It is the GIRLS that don't
It is the GIRLS that don't consider Husband as their Dad anymore...because of blood...not the other way around. They are behaving like regular step-kids, where a Mom divorces their SD.
All four girls demand these herd parties. During the 2 1/2 years of separation he lived in fear of losing what he had left of his family(girls made threats to abandon him)...so he bit his tongue and attended the herd events.
I have no doubt that he hates the BM's guts. He goes in spite of the BM being there....to placate the flippin' daughters. He doesn't hang out with the BM or even speak to her if he can help it.
His fear of losing what he has left of his kids might not be a valid reason to you...but it is to him...for now.
I am proud of him for letting them know that he won't be doing the semi-special events with the herd anymore. I'm surprised no one heard the earthquake when that happened. They were pissed.
These are his children. He was a plugged in Dad for 20 years. He is dealing with the loss of his whole family. I get that.
I think it's hard when your children use emotional blackmail to get what they want...and you don't want to have to cut off contact with your children.
I see that he is starting to put his foot down with them. He seems less concerned about their anger at him.
It is up to me to decide how much I put myself in contact with all of that. I certainly won't leave him or kick him out...as he works his way though this.
The older I get the less willing I am to let toxic people into my bubble.
I see the resentment building
I see the resentment building in him as he becomes less concerned about their anger and threats. He is tiring of always chasing his kids to love him.
I also see the resentment in his girls building as his life with me and my family grows and gets stronger.
If you and DH don't want to
If you and DH don't want to go to the ridiculous "herd parties" then don't. If DH prefers to say "Hey Kid, I never even get to see you at those huge shin-digs, lets have a quiet dinner at Poshy Steakhouse on X day to celebrate your (insert life event)instead" and they choose to decline, then they choose to decline. Why all the drama over something so simple?
It becomes a dramatic
It becomes a dramatic shriek-fest because the daughters won't have it.
We think it's perfectly reasonable to do a quiet dinner...they don't.
Makes no sense to me.
I could hear SD19 shrieking at her Dad over the phone two house levels down when he offered this suggestion.
Eventually he caved and went...alone...I stayed home.
Husband has to build a backbone with them. They are reacting like toddlers with tantrums. They have learned that all they have to do is yell and cry and he will cave.
I told him he has to make his decision and then stand firm through the yelling/crying. It will get worse before it gets better because they learned that bad behavior works. They won't hate or love him any more or less...but they might start to respect him.
Funny thing...the younger
Funny thing...the younger twin set have mentioned how they don't have many friends. They are each others' best friend.
The one that shrieks claims to have more in common with men...not women. Does not have female friends. She is a total "Domineering Mother"
to her boyfriend.
Just a couple weeks ago my
Just a couple weeks ago my SD38 called DH and wanted him to fly to her state (they were going to pay the $1200 airfare) and spend T-Day with all the kids and BM. He said no; he's staying home with me. Then SD38 called and asked ME the same thing - I said I didn't care if he stayed or went. Yesterday we had the best T-Day ever - my oldest son 30 and his girlfriend came over for dinner, cards, and drinks and we laughed so much; we had a blast. Afterwards, I did make the comment that it would be nice to have all holidays like this one and he got really quiet; he knew I was referring to the 6 golden eggs.
Your DH doesn't need to spend the holidays or a housewarming party with BM; it gives everyone the false hope of reconciliation. Why can't you just have them come to your house and have DH do all the work, cooking, cleaning, etc.? You can always see the house some other time - show up unexpected (that's what I would do!)
We have done the family
We have done the family dinners at our house without the rest of the ex-family herd. And...husband does do all the work. He's very good about that. But...those girls won't accept that option as our celebration of one of their birthdays or such.
Husband needs to get to the point of "too bad so sad"...where the celebrations offered aren't good enough for them.
I have to admit. One of the younger twins is becoming better about this over time. Her concern seems to be that her twin will become really upset...not that she, herself, would be upset. Sort of two-on-one kind of stuff.
The more he chases them, the
The more he chases them, the more they will play this game. He needs to stop chasing. They are all adults. If they want a relationship with him they can come to him.
The ONLY time this type of party should be allowed are things like Weddings. Seriously.
27yr olds having birthday parties? wtf.
I agree that he needs to stop
I agree that he needs to stop chasing. We aren't going anywhere. We are building our life. If they want to be a part of it...they will be welcome...but only if they are respectful. We met after the final divorce papers were signed. I was not a part of why their family is not intact.
It's strange. They don't shriek at me...yet. Only him. They dislike me. I'm 48 years old...I know when someone dislikes me. But they haven't fired their angry arrows at me yet. Only him.
I asked husband what he would do if his girls treated me the way they treat him...he said he would cut them off. I think they know this so they abuse the safest person. The get to self-indulge in this behavior without the fear of losing him completely.
I have bit my tongue for 3 years. No more.
I'm glad you understand where
I'm glad you understand where I'm coming from StepAside. I was wondering how it would go if I started posting on this site. But I needed somewhere to go where step-parents are discussing these things.
I like the idea of speaking out loud what was shot under the breath...and drawing public attention to nasty comment attempts.
I agree with what smiling and being quiet shows to the SDs...I look weak and doormatty...yuck.
Husband advised his daughter that I truly am a black/white thinker...that I am blunt and straight-shooting(he's experienced me for three years, so he knows)...that I have held my tongue since knowing them. She's been warned.
"The worst thing you can do
"The worst thing you can do is what I did for many years, which was to smile and pretend I didn't notice what they were doing. Made me out to be their doormat. Those days got real old." I totally agree with this. After 20 years of the B.S., I finally found the courage to call SD on her rude behavior. Have never been sorry for doing it. Haven't seen her since, she's banned from my home, but no more games.
You and your DH need to do what is right for you as a couple. This whole business of the 'herd' party is rediculous especially if you don't really like being around those people. It sounds like something off the TV, not quite real. If his daughters can't at least meet you half way, tell them to have a nice life.
We often liken these herd
We often liken these herd parties to his daughters trying to pretend we are the Reba Show on television. Where everyone is buddies and hang out with the ex's, no matter what had been done to them. I guess it's also their way to pretend that the stuff they say and do to their Dad isn't as aweful as it truly is. If Dad still shows up and is polite to everyone...perhaps not letting him see his grandkids since dating me...telling him he isn't blood and that blood is what's important, forget that he has been their plugged-in adoptive dad for 24 years of their lives...will be swept under the rug.
Husband is no longer chasing a relationship with the SD27. If she wants to see him...she can call. If she wants to have a relationship between her kids and their granddad...she has to make it happen. No more chasing.
This is pissing off the younger twin set...mad at Dad for no longer making an effort with the older one. Maybe they see that he could do the same to them if they continue being disrespectful...and they are right.
I, also, have noted that men
I, also, have noted that men like things that rise...lol
I have worked to build whole family holidays too. With MY parents and siblings and all the kids in there. Our large house is full of people and laughter and singing carols and playing board games.
What DOESN'T work is to include my new husband's ex's side of the family. Or us to try and be a part of the ex's gatherings, like his girls demand he do.
Of the 30ish people that would be at the upcoming house warming...only 2 will have warm feelings in their heart for Husband. For BM to make her breaking up the family for a "better prospect" she had to bad-mouth him to all her relatives...so now they hate him. Plus...SD27 bad-mouthed Husband to her in-laws...so they are cold to him. Only one ex-sister-in-law loves Husband still. Husband is now closer to his BM's brother than when they were an intact family. They see what BM did.
The last herd event I went to was aweful and cold and awkward. It was a grand-son's first birthday held in a hall. A grandson Husband hardly knows because they are being withheld from him in punishment. Because he isn't running and fetching and being at her house constantly to help her(and yes...she's been married 5 years)...because of me...he is not allowed time with his two grandkids by her. One of each set of twins have been trying to be mini-wife to him. Those are the ones most disrespectful to his and my relationship.
As for this house-warming. The date is being pushed off by a week because the electrician won't have the house ready by next week. They are also running into difficulties with people not being able to attend because of other Christmas parties and events at that time. BUT...she refuses to push it off until January. Is anal that the housewarming be in the year that they completed the house no matter what. But also angry when hearing that others have plans already that they are not willing to change. C'est la vie.
Hi Old Dart, Long time - no
Hi Old Dart,
Long time - no see! Sorry to hear you and your wife are considering separation.
Hope you are ok with it. Plus the SD's divorce... sounds like the winter of considerable discontent...
Hang in there! You were always a beacon of common sense on ST.
I am also a big fan of your shared holidays tradition.
Oh Thank God. Had a talk with
Oh Thank God.
Had a talk with husband last evening. We agreed to offer SD the alternate plan of popping over to see their new house in the New Year instead of putting ourselves through a herd party in a couple weeks. If she and her siblings throw a fit, that will be too bad. If seeing the house in the New year on our own isn't good enough...then I guess we won't be seeing their new house for a while.
I feel the same way about it.
I feel the same way about it. It's just a house.
I'm kinda hoping she goes true to form and blows...I would love to be off the hook and not go out at all:)
Why is it that DH always sees
Why is it that DH always sees my daughter faults and spends all his day correcting her yet when his kids come over he suddenly turns blind and deaf to anything they do. I don't get it.
These are the herd parties
These are the herd parties I'm talking about. SD's insisting that there can be only one celebration and it has to involve both sides. It doesn't matter how much both sides don't want to be in the same time zone, let alone in the same room. I'm sure BM has no desire to be around Husband and I either. But...at least BM has her posse there. Husband and I are the outsiders there. Most certainly...I am.
I am glad I found this site...reading and posting here gives me strength to disengage.
I hate herd parties. Not
I hate herd parties. Not gonna do it anymore.
We got invited to one last night and H finally declined. Yay! (Probably only BC we have people visiting from out of town)
This is exactly how
This is exactly how uncomfortable, bulky and awkward these events are.
And yes...it is created by the kids. In fact, it was DH's 19 year old that screeched at her dad that it is the kids
that dictate how an event is celebrated and with whom. Basically...if you don't do it her way then you are an inconsiderate
ass-hole.That was just before her 19th birthday.
In this particular herd is the newly discovered bio-dad too. DH had adopted the older set when they were three. Now he is being told how much they hated him(after he put them both through a couple years of college), how he adopted them "when we didn't have a choice". It is "blood" that is the almighty thing to this set of 27 year old twins. The one is playing keep-away with the grand-kids ever since he dared to date me. She was mini-wife #1.
Well...until a week ago when she texted that they were in a "pickle" because their electrician was MIA and could Dad finish doing the electrical installation in their new house.
Um...no.
I know that I won't be attending any more of these herd parties. By the sounds of DH...he is done with them too.