Are you disengaged? I ask because I am, my SO knows this and will often handle his kids and HCBM himself without involving me. 

At times I felt like you, as if everything was a secret. Then realized it was my choice. I wanted and needed to be away from the crazy and my SO was only doing as I asked. 

If you feel uncomfortable, talk with your DH and make changes. If you want no parts of the crazy then count your blessings and let them keep their secrets. 

Personally I would want far from that nuthouse. 

Disengagement means different things todifferent people- itsounds as if you have disengaged ina way that frees you from having physical contact from your SD, but yet mentally you are still very involved with her- ie she is still ruling your mind.

Find your mental freedom from her- don't allow her in your head!

You cannot stop DH contacting his daughter and have at least to be thankful you no longer have to. Some people announce disengegament, some keep it to themselves but just withdraw quietly.

I suspect you get upset when DH talks about her to friends because you know that she hates you, and therefore DH seems disloyal to you. Maybe he does it on purpose because he knows but that's how he deals with it.  I understand how hurtful that can be.

You can choose to talk to DH about this, but I doubt that you will ever get him to understand. Or, you can find ways of deflecting the conversation away from his daughter- maybe your friends don't want to hear it either-parents bragging about their kids ad infinitum can be so boring. Turn the conversation around to another topic if you can.

That wedge? So many couples here either learn to manage the wedge or give up, or get out. Stay focussed on you, don't let her rule your life anymore.

Oh yea, I know about the secrecy. And I know how maddening it is.

Just this morning I checked the mail and found something remarkable there. I went out to my husband in the garden to tell him and sure enough, there he was pulling weeds and talking to SD on the telephone. The tone became hushed when he saw me. I had that awkward feeling of walking in on someone in the bathroom and just turned around and went back into the house. Yea, I've disengaged. But he always seems to be as far from me as possible when he talks with her...as if they're sharing the nuclear codes!

You can't really stop any of those things that are bugging you, and it probably wouldn't be right if you tried. It definitely stokes the flames of betrayal because our SDs clearly hate us so much.

Fortunately for me, my husband either recognizes the pain it causes or he's trying to keep the peace, so he rarely talks about her or to her in front of me. It might not be a bad thing for you to let him know this is awkward for you and it might be best if he keeps it to a minimun. But how you can do that without looking petty and jealous I don't know because these fathers are oblivious to the pain.

About the only advice I have is to avoid him as much as possible when he's talking to her or about her. And when you can't, get busy doing something else, change the conversation or start another with the person next to you. It's always a great time to head to the bar! You must work to resist the feelings it conjures in you. Train yourself to change the subject in your head as soon as she pops into your conscious mind. Just don't let yourself go there -- don't let your head host any thoughts of her. When that whiff of betrayal gets in your brain, it sucks up a lot of good mood and energy, and it causes discord with your husband. Keep it at bay. When you master this, you'll feel more in control of your moods and it takes her power away.

I know this isn't easy -- it's as if she's controlling you even when you're not around her. Don't let her. I really believe we have a lot more power over our thinking than we're used to using.

When I began my disengagement, I was exactly where you are.  It takes patience and time, believe me.  You have to learn to take it as it comes around and put the entire situation out of your mind.  My mind plays games with me, if I think about it.  I know that now, and work very hard at staying completely away from the thoughts of my SD57 and SGD34 (mother/daughter).  

I have ups and downs with my now 8 years of disengagement.  I completely disengaged 5 years ago.  I do not interact with these women at any time, if it's my choice.  My DH is disabled and they come to visit him about six/eight times a year.  He cannot go visit them, without me driving him.  I have told DH, "I will take you anytime, anywhere, you wish to go.  I will pick you up anytime, anywhere you wish me to do so.  But I will not put myself in their company, unless I decide to do so".  Let me tell you, this was the most difficult, because DH thinks I am unreasonable, thus he uses this for feeling sorry for himself in relation to his disability.  It is a guilt trip that DH continues to try to put on me.  I ignore it and take it one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time.  When you learn to do this, it will fall into place. 

The secrecy is a game they play.  The "private" looks, jokes, and comments went on for years.  Not so much now, because I just don't listen, therefore, it doesn't register.  Train yourself to not listen; you may hear what is being said, but don't pay any attention to it and let is go.  This is what I do now, when they visit.  I couldn't tell you one word that was said, after they walk out the door.  I do not hostess them in any way and they show themselves out. 

When your DH begins blah..blah...blah, change the subject.  Tell him you desire to talk about things that interest everyone, not just what he has to say.  I do that.  My DH is much better at including me and leaving SD out of our conversation.   Again, it takes working at it every day and being patient.  Fighting with your DH about it will never get it out of your marriage. 

I fully understand your hurt feelings and your frustration.  Stay here for the support and ((((hugs)))).

DH does the same *secret lover* kind of behavior with ss32. Just yesterday he got a call from him and rushed out into the driveway to talk. It makes me wonder what the H#ll they're up to but I didn't ask because honestly I don't care as long as he's not moving ss in.  

Sometimes dH's sister comes over and they have the family gossip catch up session, when the subject of ss32 rolls around I quickly get busy with laundry or dishes becasue I don't want to be involved in a conversation about him on any level.  I would suggest at dinners w/friends when DH starts going on about SD for you to politely excuse yourself to the ladies room, take your time and be sure to get caught up by some detour.  Even call a friend away from the table to discuss or show them something.  If you stop giving him attention or any interest when he talks about her the behavior will lessen.  

It is too funny or too sad, one way or another. If anybody asks about if we have kids, I tell them about the one we do "share." I allow him to say whatever more he would like, but he never does because he knows we do not share any others. Nor so they share daddeeee....

I've experienced this too when being around people who know SD or about SD.  It can be uncomfortable - especially when considering the pain you have endured.  Usually I will let DH give the 'SD update' for a limited time, then change the subject.  But I have found the best way to limit conversations about SD is to at some point let the people know that I don't like to be around SD because she is abusive.  In most cases, especially with DH's family, they have witnessed this for themselves.

If DH wants to contact SD I could care less as long as I don't have to listen to it.  I treat it as if it is nothing of importance.  Like he's talking to a telemarketer or pest.  This takes away any possible passive-aggressive thrills for them.

I have to admit it is somewhat uncomfortable for me when people ask me if I have children.  I was unable to give birth to children so adopted two older children who were damaged beyond repair.  We are estranged.  And of course, the relationship with SD was a failure too.  So to avoid talking about the pain, I merely say, "I don't have any children, DH has a daughter."

But my suggestion is to view their phone conversations as unimportant.  Walk away and make it fully aparent to DH you have better and more rewarding things to do.

This whole disengagement business, unfortunately, doesn't come with a "one-size-fits-all" plan, and it certainly doesn't come without all kinds of feelings on the part of the disengaged. 

When I decided to formally disengage, I was PISSED and devil be damned to whatever the consequences of my disengagement might be. I had reached the point that it didn't matter if DH left me. I was going to be shed of that hateful girl one way or another. Therefore, I announced to SD and DH that I was done and announced that, as far as I was concerned, SD was non-existent. 

I would like to say that I immediately put her out of my mind and never heard her name again, but of couse, that didn't happen. There were screaming, cussing, fights between DH and I because I felt betrayed, hurt, angry, and jealous when he would go on and on about her, when he told me the hateful things she said about me and the names she called me, when he attended family events without me, and when he didn't defend my honor against her attacks and those of his siblings for being such a horrible person to cut ties with his daughter. But, slowly, over time, I reached a point where I truly didn't care. My sanity and peace were worth whatever the price might be, and why did I care what any of these people thought of me anyway? 

Now, I give hubby a few minutes to chatter about her before I change the subject or find a reason to walk away from the conversation. On the occasions that he just can't take a hint, I've point blank told him that I don't  care to hear any more about her. One piece of advice, stop offering advice or opinions about your step-kid to DH. That's one way that you'll find yourself dragged back into not being fully disengaged. 

So let him have his secret conversations. You don't want to be part of them anyway. 

Disengagement does get easier overt time. Good luck. 

The secrecy is maddening. It really does feel like he has a mistress, right?

But he doesn't. And if your SD has no real effect on your life, your DH isn't funneling her lots of money, and you don't have to tolerate her presence, then this is part of learning to disengage. HIS relationship with his daughter hasn't changed, but YOURS has.

And it's changed for the better. You just literally have to force yourself to do something else, remind yourself that the relationship with SD is not yours to manage. Makes it darn hard to be all warm and fuzzy with a guy who coos into the phone at one of his kids though. Believe me, I know about that. When DH talks to his son, it sounds like he's talking to a lover. Gross, but then I have to change the laundry, or let the dogs out, or finish that book I was reading.

It gets easier. And my relationship with my SD has improved immensely since I disengaged. She called DH the other day, he wasn't home, and I actually answered the phone and we had a pleasant conversation.