What is frequent? Did it start at once a month and now it's once a week or is it now every other day or every day? What was the popping in schedule like before you two got together?

I fully understand the annoyance at the lack of reciprocation - arrive and expect to be fed... Does she clean up after, do the dishes or just eat and run? Maybe she's offered to your wife and your wife has turned down her offers of bringing something over? I don't know and maybe your wife hasn't told you.

I guess the other big question is you say you want time with your wife without her daughter and grandkids.... Is that you want time alone with just her - date night style or that you want time for what you are seeing as the new family unit - you, your wife and your own children? If the latter is the case... Your wife may be asking her daughter to come over. She may feel like you're trying to force bonding with your kids, she may feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed with alone time with just your kids, particularly if you're intimating that you'd prefer hers not enjoy "family time".

Now if your kids are both gone to sleepovers or some other into late evening/overnight activity and SD and grandkids are just showing up and spoiling your romance... Well, then tell her. I was looking forward to spending the evening with us - talking, cuddling, watching an adult movie, going out - whatever and ask if the visits could at least be more structured - set nights for family time? so you know what to expect, can make plans whatever.

You also don't mention if this is a new house you bought together or if you moved into a house owned from before. If you moved into the SD's childhood home, there probably hasn't been a boundary established in either he or her mom's mind that it's not still here home too....

You say that your SD is a 'recently' single mother. If she has just gone through a marriage breakup, she is probably feeling really low and needs the support of her mum at the moment. Rather than berate her for visiting too much, why not encourage and help her to rebuild her life - perhaps join some evening classes or clubs. Once her life is back on track and she isn't feeling so vulnerable, I'm sure she won't feel the need to drop in constantly.

Yes, what are your relationships like with this SD and your wife? In a respectful, trusting relationship...the dynamic is non threatening and usually welcomed, by all parties because the adult SK is respectfully sensitive to all parties time, space, and feelings.

I have been in your shoes. The upstairs of my previous marital home had a 3 bedroom apartment where my son and gks have lived for the last 3 years. My ds is single parent and he pays rent. Yes, they would come and go as please, and our interactions were daily. I really appreciated that I was able to see that my gks were taken care of.

My ex has a ds that is now around 47 years old. He is an only child and my ex really tried hard to include him with us. I was with my ex for 25 years, during this entire time my ss rejected all of us. I mean really rejected as in coming into my home, and even though I cooked dinner would not even look at me and would just speak directly to my ex. He would not even say "hello" to me. He also ignored my gks and ds.

His ds called everyday sometimes up to 10 times a day, and no matter what we were doing, having sex, my dh would stop and chat. He did not believe in letting his ds calls go to voicemail. If his ds needed to chat, that is what my ex would prioritize, irregardless of what else was going on.

His ds has kicked my dog, threw a dorm-sized refrigerator at my ds, yelled at me, blocked me on an airplane because he wanted to sit next to his df. My dh spent the first day of our marriage with his ds, because as he said he wanted to be a "good father". My ss wanted my dh to watch football on TV with him and that is what my dh did on that special day, instead of spending it with me. My ex permitted his ds to behave that way. When I told my dh of what his ds did, he would use gaslighting techniques to tell me it was not true, even to the point of also yelling at me if I mentioned anything. I learned to be quiet.

While my ds and gks lived on top of us, they respected our privacy. Would greet us, when they saw us, assisted us in what needed to be done, such as bringing in groceries. My ds and gks open and hold doors for me. If we are sharing a meal, they stand and wait until I sit down first, make sure that I am served first, help with the dishes and are very courteous. I was also very firm about how they were to treat my dh and if I saw any of them treating my dh disrespectfully I immediately stopped it. For instance my 10 year old gs went through a spell of ignoring my dh. I spoke with him firmly about not doing it, whenever it happened, right then and there. They now have a great relationship.

On the other hand, when I cooked dinner and his ds joined us, ss would help himself as soon as he walked in, even though I had not set the table yet. Never thanked me or helped with dishes. Never talked to me. However, if his father cooked dinner he seemed to remember his manners and waited until the table was set to sit down. SS was very passive aggressive and disrespectful in dealing with anything that had to do with me. He clearly wanted my marriage to my dh to end.

Big difference in the interactions. It was quite obvious his ds resented me and mine and he was extremely visible in his dislike of us. My dh allowed it, and put absolutely no boundaries to that type of behavior. It ultimately led to the dissolution of our marriage as my dh got angry at me, because I finally complained of the treatment. He believed that since he accepted my ds and gks that I should accept his ds carte blanc. That his ds should be able to do what ever he wanted and that I should just accept it without complaint because it was his ds.

You need to decide if your sd is hostile and if what she is doing, is doing it purposefully to interfere and cause the dismantling of your marriage or if she is just being dumb to how it is affecting you. You and your wife can discuss boundaries and times to be alone. My dh just refused to put boundaries on his ds, it was just very difficult for him to do so as he saw it as an act of rejecting his ds. I think my dh was 71 years old when he and I were finally able to get away on an overnight trip and he was able to tell his ds not to call unless there was an emergency. Guess what? At 7:00am while my dh and I were being intimate the phone rang, it was his ds and my dh stopped to answer the phone. There was no emergency, and they chatted for a while. My dh got upset at me because I was no longer in the mood when he climbed back into the hotel bed.

It sounds like you would just like down time with your dw. Just tell her that you love her and love it when it can just be the two of you for a few hours each day in the evening to reconnect lets say from 7:00 pm onward. My heart would have melted if my dh would have said that to me. But he could not bring himself to put those type of boundaries to his ds. You need to decide if your dw is not able to put those type of boundaries is it worth your marriage.