A good six months, but it's over now
Husband was no contact, SD32 cut off contact last fall after DH told her no to a money request for the first time ever. He had just given her $3,500 a few weeks earlier. She's a bottomless pit of financial need who quit her decent job two years ago.
DH got a call from SD32's cousin saying she was living at a drug and hooker motel with her 10 year old. She had blocked all access by phone and social media. DH did something I never would have done and asked the police for a welfare check for his grandson. The police arrested her boyfriend. She called him, cussed him out and said you are dead to me.
She called him 3 weeks ago, she had a baby and wanted to reconnect. Two days ago she called him and asked for $200. Against my input he sent it to her. The thing is he left his job about a month ago, the job was finished and he wasn't an employee, more of an Independent contractor. He has been saying that he wants to retire. He is retirement age and would get SS and has some savings but basically I would become the breadwinner.
To make that work I would have to cut my retirement contribution by a lot. Another option would be to relocate to a lower cost of living area. We're in the SF Bay Area which is expensive.
Anyway, that was just venting. It was a good 6 months while it lasted.
6 months
Are you saying you have only neen married for 6 months? If this is the case, you are in luck - you can probably get an annulment and move on. No way should you be married to someone and then suddenly be the breadwinner. It sounds like you are being used.
We've been married 8 years.
We've been married 8 years. It was 6 glorious months of no contact.
Sorry
That's worse than what I thought. As everyone else suggested, don't let him retire if he continues to give her money. It may be hard to stand your ground but you have no choice. One thing you might mention is that if he chooses to continue to throw money at SD you will have to do what it takes to protect yourself financially. She's a train wreck and she will bring DH down with her. Neither one of them is your responsibility. Good luck
I imagine it's hard to have a
I imagine it's hard to have a child who is such a train wreck, but at 32, she is well and truly an adult, and responsible for herself. The fact that she can go months without speaking to him to "punish" him for not doing what she wants is proof of how self-centered she is - no relationship with her can be a real one. It's sad that he can't see he's not helping by giving her money. If she calls, he can just say, "Well, glad to hear about the new baby," or "Sorry to hear what's going on, can't help you".
He won't have a true relationship with her no matter how much money he gives her, might as well save his pennies.
I would make a condition of my agreeing to him retiring that he does not give her any more money whatsoever, beyond what might be reasonable for a birthday/Christmas gift for an adult child (ie, $25/50).
I think you have to approach
I think you have to approach this from his retirement. Talk about how he can't retire if he's going to keep funding her. Set up meetings with retirement professionals. Figure out just how much money you'll both need monthly and make sure he understands that he still has to contribute his share.
Once he understands how much money it will take for him to be comfortable in his retirement he may rethink sending SD any money.
I hope you both have wills and power of attorny set up. From what you've said about her, I can see her swooping in and taking anything she can get her hands on if anything were to happen.
i agree with Notsobad
You have to have a serious Come To Jesus meeting with your DH about retirement. He cannot contiunue to toss money down the black hole of "helping" (enabling) his DD, and think he's in a position to retire. P.S.- Sounds like drugs to me.
Nope
I would not let my DH retire if I had to take up the brunt of the finances. I would not retire if he had to bear the brunt of the finances. Try to figure out to make this equitable for you both...even if it means cutting out expenses (cough cough grown skids) that aren’t necessary.
Right?!
Right?!
How is he going to retire if he doesn't have enough saved? By you paying for more and then you would have to cut your retirement savings? Well isn't that nice of him?
Not just no, HELL NO.
Sounds like he is not ready to retire. Why should you have to pick up his slack and curtail your retirement savings? So he will retire now, but you will have to wait longer because you have to slow down your savings?
Sorry, but this doesn't sound fair at all!
If you are now the bread
If you are now the bread winner you need to make it very clear none of your income will be given to his DD. And he needs to pay his full contribution to the cost of the household before any money he gives her.
Actually I think I would be reassessing how much I was paying into the household so I could put more into my retirement fund. Don't ruin your own retirement so he can support a lazy adult child.
If he wants to fund his DD then he needs to get a job.
Now is a good time to have a
Now is a good time to have a talk about the ramifications of him retiring soon.
I'd put a budget on paper and show him how it would look. That's when you nail him and say there's no way you can afford for him to retire if he sends a dime to SD -- but you say it sweetly, "Well, you know, with these numbers, we won't be able to contribute at all to SD if you retire." See? Just say it matter of factly. In this casual conversation, you need to make it clear you expect donations to SD to stop if he retires. Just plant the seed so that when he's driving or showering and thinking of retiring, he's also thinking that the new normal after retirement includes NO MORE CASH DONATIONS. He'll need to think about whether he can make that commitment.
What I feel doesn't happen often enough with women posting on this site is the drawing of the line in the sand. You don't have to have a huge fight to draw a boundary. You just have to draw it in a calm way so he knows if he wants to fight about it, he'll need to somehow make concessions for the boundary you drew.
He did the right thing calling the police.
Everything that everyone said
Everything that everyone said is exactly what I would say if I was talking to someone else. This post was mostly just a vent. Our marriage is perfect except for his daughter. He is kind, thoughtful, and he loves me. I would do anything for him but in the words of the immortal Meat Loaf, I won't do that.
Lmao... MEATLOAF. Ahhh, I
Lmao... MEATLOAF. Ahhh, I used to listen to them a good bit. Good times.
DH can not retire
If he is does not have any income from his retirement fund. What he does not have because he gave it to SD. So now he has to make up for the money he gave SD , by working the rest of his life. He does not get you to support him now. It was his choice
He blew his retirement on his
He blew his retirement on his toxic adult spawn. Guess who does not get to retire?
Time to go. Enjoy your retirement.
Oh yes. We're still together.
Oh yes. We're still together. DH was right, she was on drugs. We've heard whispers that she went on methadone.
But good news is that she got a good job. Last time we saw her we went to her state for a family wedding, the bride is her cousin that lives in the same town that she's never met and doesn't want to, I guess I figured out why. The groom is a cop. :) That explained everything.
We stayed for the wedding weekend, she hemmed and hawed for a while about where her boyfriend was "out of town", he was in jail. The Graybar Inn, as my husband succinctly put it.
So we're very low contact and I can live with that.
DH is retired, he does a few side jobs here and there but we can live on what I make and his SS.
Just recently she put out a FB post (I hate FB with the heat of a thousand suns but DH checks it everyday) asking everyone she ever met for pictures of her mom. She didn't pay for her storage bill so I guess all her photos ended up on Storage Wars. DH told her we didn't have any that we hadn't already sent electronically. When her mom died I spent two solid days going through his old photos and dusty cardboard boxes and photoshopped and cleaned up a bunch of old acid paper damaged pictures of her mom. She thanked him and put them all on FB, no mention of me but that's cool. I just told DH I wouldn't bother doing it again.
Glad to hear you are doing
Glad to hear you are doing well and DH is supportive of you. It must be terrible for him to know what his Daughter has turned into but once someone gets into drugs they become totally self-absorbed, lose compassion, and the ability to connect with others at a human level. She needs to know your DH will be there for her when she seriously addresses her issues but in the end, she is the only one who can fix herself.