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Formerly Estranged SD Messy in our Home

greensmurfet's picture

Hi, 

First time poster here. Looking for advice on how to approach 20 year old step daughter who is staying at our home for holidays - and will be staying for other occasions in the future - about picking up after herself. She leaves clothes on the floor in the bedroom, whether dirty or clean. I'm constantly reminding her to pickup dishes, etc. but I think that is improving a little. She doesn't offer help with anything (making dinner, cleaning up, etc). I can't rely on my husband to address it because he's in protective mode over her. She just came back into our lives after four years estranged and he feels she's delicate right now. That is a separate issue but I'd like to lay down some ground rules for her before coming out again. This is her second visit with us. She's been mostly receptive when I've asked for other things to be done but I feel odd having to address this with a young adult. It seems counterintuitive that she would be so careless after not having a relationship with us for four years to behave this way but it may be depression. The room will not be hers in any kind of permanent way, it's just when she visits, but we're talking about several weeks at a time. She's in college.

CajunMom's picture

I am in a very similar situation....but it was me who disengaged from DHs kids. It was 6 years of no contact. He saw them away from our marital home and I stayed out of any discussions about them. This past year saw two of them visit our home.

Difference is, DH was clear with them about what HE expected in our home. And after taking 12 years of hell from those people, going through a 3 year healing period and finally finding my voice.....I was not going back to walking on eggshells in my own home.

Your DH is should have had a discussion with his daughter BEFORE she came to visit. At this point, all you can do is give her your expectations and if she doesn't follow through, end the invites. A 20 year old SHOULD be helping in the home and picking up behind herself. Jeez. SMH

Rumplestiltskin's picture

If she won't pick up after herself and your DH is in "protective mode", he needs to do it all, then. He can be the one going behind her and doing what he won't ask her to do. 

AlmostGone834's picture

This right here. When LI stayed with us this past week, I almost slipped and broke my neck after stepping in the tub. She must have been using some hair tonic or something in there that left a greasy film all over the bottom. Guess who was scrubbing it because he didn't want to tell his daughter to clean up after herself 

Renewed's picture

My question would be: But is he going to?

With my XH, it really didn't matter what I did or didn't do. He wasn't going to lift a finger. The house would have descended into 'condemned' and he still wouldn't have stirred himself.

Harry's picture

Are not asking her to dig a hole. Or break up cement.  You are asking her to clean up a mess she made.  I can't not see how this is wrong.  She was '''''estranged'''''.   After not cleaning up. She can be ''''''estranged''''' again

greensmurfet's picture

Thanks for the replies. I definitely don't feel like it's too much to ask. My husband did ask her to pickup her mess on the floor today... Which equated to her doing a load of laundry but leaving the pile on the floor in the bedroom. I'm thinking this is how her mom allowed it. I'm not surprised. I may try sitting with her tomorrow to spell it out and ask if she would like help or something. Until I see otherwise, I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. I will try this approach first before assuming she's being daft on purpose. If it gets to the point where she refuses, it'll just have to be brought to her attention that behavior isn't going to work here. I have read these forums over the years and understand there are many parents not doing their job to uphold respect for the step-parent in the relationship. It's very sad. I do have faith in my husband and he's working through his feelings about everything. My parents are also staying with us right now. My mom is having a hard time staying out of our business as we try to deal with this. I'm 5.5 months pregnant and she wants to protect me. Let's just say it's been a lot. Step daughter leaves Friday. Mom leaves a week later and my dad is staying another week after that to help with baby room stuff. We both need some alone time to think over this visit and have a good check-in with each other. I just know, from experience, that ignoring things now will make it harder later so I'm trying to step in where he's struggling at the moment. I have couples therapy lined up for us just in case. Trying to figure out my feelings while being pregnant is like wading through a swamp blind. I don't want to be explosive, not going to be good for baby and it won't make the situation better. I'm more of "this is the way it is, if you don't like it, beat it" kind of person. I don't feel yelling is necessary to get my point across and that's been respected in general for the most part. We'll see how it goes though. 

ESMOD's picture

IMHO, I would pick my battles here.  Public spaces I would be more concerned about.  Her piles of laundry in the room she is staying.. that would not be something I would be as worried about.  you can close the door if it is hard to look at.  

Remember, as well intentioned as your offer to help show her how to be tidy..it will more likely come off as telling her what to do.  Dont put yourself in that crossfire.  It was not your job to teach her how to be a good housekeeper.... and if anyone does this, it should be her father.

I might just stick to the gentle, needed reminder.. 'Hey, can you put your dishes in sink please"... "can you clear your books off the table so we can set it for dinner" etc...

Elea's picture

"I'm thinking this is how her mom allowed it."

"I will try this approach first before assuming she's being daft on purpose."

I can guarantee that if she was raised to be a slob by a slob that you simply informing her of your standards is not going to change her habits in any meaningful way. Parents that live like pigs will have piglets. It's just their nature. She probably doesn't know any better.

If your SD learns to clean up it will have to be because she realizes that she has a problem and then she decides SHE wants to change, not from you.

Your DH should be in charge of all instruction and education of your SD. You are fighting a battle you cannot win because it's not your battle to fight. Since your husband has no desire to teach his kid then HE needs to clean up her messes.

Best case scenario is she stays somewhere other than your home.

Ask me how I know? When I met DH, he complained about what a filthy, lazy hoarder BM is ... Well, guess what, my step-diablas are also slobs. They are exactly like BM. They have no idea how to clean anything. Their idea of washing a dish is running a little water over the dish and then putting it onto the dish rack, still greasy and with pieces of food stuck to it.

 

DENIP's picture

SD came to live with us when she was 16 yo due to high conflict and physical altercations with BM. Before then, she would just stay in our guest room. It was a huge adjustment. She would leave piles of clothes on the floor (clean and unclean) as well as make-up up, make-up brushes, a trough of empty water bottles everywhere, and even trash. Usually once every week and 1/2, she'd clean it all and rearrange the room. What got me heated, was having food in the room when we told her not to. I found a half eaten burrito on a plate that was on a pile of her clothes one time, as well as Chinese food in its container, in the closet, on a pile of clothes. The burrito incident invoked the consequence of checking the room at random. The Chinese food incident was the 2nd offense. The 3rd offense, I found large, wide-open bags of the cheddar, fish crackers and M & M's sitting there by her bedside. I also discovered her heating blanket that was on high, sitting on the bed under a pile of blankets, and dirty, encrusted dishes tucked in the corner of her closet. After both DH and I had told her not to do it at least 3 times, and told her not to allow the water bottles to collect in her room DOZENS of times, we had a final confrontation. DH calmly told her to bring down the heating blanket, food, and dishes TWICE, and she flat out said, "NO!" He told her right then and there to get out of the house. She packed some of her things, DH retrieved the spare key, and she left to live with her mom again. This was last Jan. 6th, 2024. She's 20 but will be 21 in Jan. We had one last sit down to talk about that night. She refused to own any of it. For that, she was not allowed back here again. She and I are not in speaking terms due to her disrespect, telling me to shut up and slamming my doors, and not complying with the house rules. She shifted the blame onto me, of course. Peace has been restored in our home. I don't ever, EVER want her back here. Btw, she continues to disrespect me in texts (to DH) and to others. If she would have owned her offenses, she would have at least been able to stay sometimes. DH has to be the one to tell her what is expected of her in your home.

Btw, my SD never offered to help with the dishes or anything either and she didn't pay rent. 

Best wishes with your baby and the situation as a whole. 

Rags's picture

Just tell her.

"I have asked you pick up after yourself several times. Please make sure I do not have to ask again.  Keep your room neat, do your laundry, and put it away.  You are part of this family and you are an adult.  We enjoy having you here but make sure you do your part."