Yes, it is okay to let them rot on the vine of their hollow family tree.  Focus on your child and your marriage and make sure you outline the behavioral crap for your DH so he can stay up on the behavioral crap from his prior failed family progeny.

Ignore them - it will kill them. Focus on you and yours - life is way too short!

I am so over feeling guilty or empathetic when it comes to SKs.

Trust me when I tell you it's very freeing when you just stop caring.  Ambivalence is what I feel now and it gives me the freedom to focus on living my life and putting my efforts into DS. Which as far as I am concerned is the way it should be. They are not my kids after all. 

I'd say it's perfectly acceptable. They're adults or pretty much now, you don't have to have anything to do with them if you don't want to. You don't have to change your number, just block them on everything. Don't buy them owt, or enquire after them, just let dh try and maintain a relationship with his brats 

For disengaging.   Let DH handle his kids.  You buy a bunch of cards and just send one for each event. Birthday, holidays 

You are doing your part, 

I mean when the 17 y/o said you should name your baby Idiot, that would have put me over the edge. My retort to that would have been "Now why would I name my baby after you?" *ROFL*

It is totally ok to completely pretend these kids don't exist. They are adults, you don't need to be nice to ill mannered adults. 

Im currently reading it. I can send to you as its a "pass along" thing.

Pm me if interested.

Basically, you need to stop doing and stop reaching out. They dont appreciate it and it only makes them think "oh look - shes trying to WIN US OVER! How precious! Lets keep being jerks because that seems to be working!"

Just stop. Do not reach out, be cordial and civil if they reach out to you, or when you are together. Polite. Do not discuss your skids with your DH - if it is causing arguments that are sucking the life out of you and damaging your relationship, just practice the "Art of the HMMMMMM".

DH: "Skids are doing this that and the other thing..."

You: "HMMMMMM. HM?, ahahmmmm. Whats the weather like outside?"

DH: "I think we should have skids over for dinner"

You: "Hmmmm? ahammmmm. What would you like for dinner tonight? Pizza?"

If you are unable to vent your frustrations because your DH is taking it as ccriticism of his precious poopsies, then take the air out of that balloon. 

Your story is not new and unusual. From what Im reading, when a SM comes into a skids life in their teens, they see it as they are "taking away their daddy". This is a difficult age even in regular intact families, but you do not have that bond created to rise that through. And the BM apparently has mentai health issues. My Bm, Toxic Troll does this as well - Narcissistic Triangulation - Golden Child/Scapegoat = they fight for her love, they are enmeshed and they are reflections of her, that whole thing.

I have reached out to SD22 Feral Forger, but I will not live with her. She does nothing reciprocal, either (it is hard to do anything when you are carless, licenseless, jobless...)

SD15 - we have a good history, but just recently she thew me under the bus, I am disengaging right now.

Keep putting ALL your energy into yourself, your little, and your marriage. 

Think of these girls as distant cousins, or neighbors, or friends of friends. You don't have to have a relationship with them, but you do need to be cordial. It would be great if you could have a relationship with them, but they've made it clear that they don't want that with you or your child. Don't force it.

So, what do you do for distant cousins? Nothing. No gifts, no trips, etc. If you want to send a birthday card, ok, but even that is optional. And if you see them now and then, you are friendly but not overly so. Let your DH handle the relationship with his kids entirely. He shops for presents, he remembers birthdays, he plans time with them.

It does take practice and time to get the hang of disengagement. Know that you have nothing to feel guilty about. You did your best. Also know that it isn't you personally. They'd dislike anybody their dad dated and married. So give it up and enjoy the freedom.

CLove, I enjoyed the "Stepmonster" book.  For me, it gave me the validation that I needed to know that all of my SD's bad behavior was not really about me.  They would be just as awful to ANY poor sap who took on the unfortunate role of being their "stepmother".  I read it, highlighted the parts that were relatable and relevant to my relationship with my DH and my SD's, (and believe me when I say, it looks like a coloring book right now!!) and I left it on my coffee table so that my DH would have a better understanding of what I have been (and still am) going through with these two atrocities that he calls his daughters.  I even read a few of my favorite paragraphs to him myself, and he is slowly beginning to see the light...after 30 plus years.   The book doesn't offer advice...just some well needed validation that we're not alone.  Just like this Step Talk group.  (I will take all of the little sources of relief that I can get!)

I guess I will be your bearer of bad news.  It doesn't get better.  At least, in my experience it doesn't.  I came into the SD's life when the youngest (and most manipulative) was 17 and the oldest was 22 and just married.  At first, the youngest told my DH that I was "pretty".   Shortly after that, she decided that she would make my life a living hell by any means possible.  I had to live with the youngest for about a year and during that fateful year, I had to endure the effects of Disney Dad Syndrome and Mini Wife Syndrome, but I put a hard stop to that when I realized what was going on.  As the result of her no longer being able to "rule the roost", she went on to live with her BM for one year. 

Here I am, 30 plus years later and they STILL try to manipulate my DH and I am still disliked, sometimes more openly than others. Sometimes they are civil to me (but we all know it's pretentious) and other times, they can't quite hide their disdain.  The youngest one has taken to writing long, guilt inducing emails to my DH, telling him how he is so needed in their life and in the lives of his grandchildren.  "Don't you love us?"   Yet, they NEVER call him on the phone to see how he's doing.  They only call if they NEED his advice, or to try to pander for financial help, (which we never, ever give them!)   He's getting much better at shutting them down, but we still have to suffer through the stress of dealing with these psychotic behaviors that can leave him feeling worn out and sad.  Invariably he begins to question whether he should be feeling guilty about not having a better relationship with them.  Her ability to make him feel like crap has almost become an art form, however, slowly he is beginning to see through this and realize that she has an agenda. 

I have come to realize that, regardless of how nice I am, how accommodating I am or how giving I am, I will never truly be liked because I will always be the interloper that came between them and their Daddy.  I will forever be subjected to their rudeness, their apathy and their belligerence.  So, with that revelation in mind, I have slowly taken steps to disengage. 

You're still in the "honeymoon phase" of your marriage.  I think you need to realize that there is nothing you can do to make this go away.  This IS your future.  I can honestly say that there is nothing I could have or would have done differently that would have changed the outcome of our family dynamic.  I was as good a person as I could be.  I could not have tried any harder.  I have a circle of good friends who like me.  I get along really well with ALL of my family members and ALL of my In-laws.  I love and respect them...all of them!  I have no enemies that I know of, and yet, for all the money in the world, I can not be liked by or even reciprocate like to these two SDs.  It's not me.  I'm not the problem here.  It's just the dynamic of the situation.  And it's not YOU either.  I think that we're all in this same boat.  The difference is the temperament of the water below us changes from one month to the next.  Sometimes we're white water rafting without a life jacket or paddle while other times we're coasting down a slow, lazy river in a solid canoe, praying for that journey to never end.

My advice to you is to focus on your DH and your daughter.  I have said to my DH that what happens under THIS roof, is our priority.  We have to make THIS our peaceful place.  This is where we live.  This is where we find acceptance and respite.

I feel like I could of wrote this. Almost every word. I feel ya!