Finally Bowed Out
I’m new here. I just got out of a five year relationship with a windower with three adult daughters. This is a long story, and I’m writing this to get a lot of pain off my chest, and seek some insight from people who have been through similar situations, and it seems like I came to the right place. R and I met ten years ago when he started working where I worked. We quickly became good friends and coworkers. We related to each other well, worked well together on projects, had great conversations about everything, and shared many laughs. I am considerably younger than R, but am truly an ‘old soul’ and our connection was undeniable. At the time, R was married, with three adult daughters. Four years after we met, R’s wife died in an accident. R went away for awhile to be with his kids, and I wasn’t sure if I would see him again. He did end up returning to work, and our friendship resumed. About a year after the accident, our friendship evolved into a romantic relationship. For the first time in a long time, we were both truly happy as our relationship started to blossom. Unfortunately as soon as his adult daughters found out about us dating, the nightmare began. R and I were both repeatedly accosted on social media by the daughters with various insults and personal attacks, when these women knew literally nothing about me. R’s former sister in law, who I had also never met, messaged me on social media to call me a ‘whore’. It got to the point where both R and I shut down our social media accounts. The girls then resorted to staging an ‘intervention’ with their father, taking him to a counseling session to tell him that he was being a ‘bad father’ and ‘ruining their family’. They would contact him several times a day, at all hours, even when they knew we were doing something together, often with ugly statements about me and our relationship. Again, not having even met me. After months (and eventually years) of this treatment, it started to take a toll on my mental and physical health. I have had a difficult life and have overcome extreme adversity, and thought I had finally found some well-deserved happiness, only to be struck by this incessant avalanche of toxicity. I asked R to set some expectations with his kids about civil, respectful behavior. I never expected them to embrace me with open arms, but I did expect civility and decency between adult women, but apparently that was too much to expect. It didn’t take long to realize that R was not willing to stand up to his daughters or insist they improve their behavior. Even so, I stuck around for FIVE YEARS waiting and hoping and praying for the daughters to start growing up and treating their father and me with some respect. It never happened. Five years later they still treated me like an outcast, acted like I didn’t exist, wouldn’t invite me functions, disparaged me to their father, ‘stole’ their father for trips together without my prior knowledge, etc, etc. I wrote emails to the girls trying to open a line of communication, explaining I never expected them to be my ‘friends’ but that they should at least give it a chance to get to know me. When, on only a couple of rare occasions, one of the girls made the slightest inclination of being open to at least a dialogue, they were quickly brought back into line by the others, and never tried it again. The worst part of all of it was, even with countless conversations with R about all this and him seeing how much it destroyed me, he continued to defend them. It took such a toll on me that I began to have breakdowns at work, and my health started to go downhill. I loved this man with all my heart and couldn’t understand why his kids had so much contempt toward me and wanted to badly for our relationship to cease to exist. Finally, after about 4.5 years, he took what I thought was a promising step, and said that he would only attend friends & family group functions with them if they extended me an invitation. If I chose not to go, fine (and given the circumstances I doubt I would have), but at this stage of our relationship, an invitation was expected for the both of us. I was very encouraged by this as were my friends who had seen my struggle with the situation for years. It seemed like progress. But again, what R said and what he did about the whole situation were two different things. He would assure me on the one hand, then see or talk to his kids, and come back to me like a different person, firmly in their corner again. The last straw was the last time he went to see his kids. He told me it was a pre-holiday get together with the three of them which I would have been totally fine with. I then came to find out after the fact that it was an event with a larger group, and of course, I was again not invited. Despite our agreement, and whereas I was expected to invite him to all group events with my friends. After five years, it was the last straw. I was absolutely heartbroken but knew I had done all I could and could not live the rest of my life like this. I ended it, completely devastated, only to receive a barrage of texts from him disparaging me and blaming me for the entire fallout. There is so much more to this five-year story than I can encapsulate in this post, but basically, it has been the most heart-breaking experience of my life. I gave my whole heart to this man and got it stomped on by his kids and him by refusing to draw a line with them. I can at least now confidently say I would never even entertain entering a relationship with a father again. I thought perhaps adult kids would be easier, but it is not the case, and I will never again put myself through the trauma. <\3
First off, I’m so sorry for
First off, I’m so sorry for your heartbreak. I know how that is, thinking it will get better and being disappointed again and again. Take comfort in knowing you did the right thing. Think about it this way...he showed you his true colors and you’re far better off alone rather than in a relationship and alone! Please take this time to concentrate on yourself. Do the things that bring you joy. Get emotionally healthy so that you can attract the kind of partner that will be right for you. One where you can be a true compliment to each other. It’s especially hard at the holidays, I know. But concentrate on the peace you have now that you’re not in that dynamic. He wasn’t that great a catch if he can’t put you first and realize how unhealthy the dynamic is with his daughters.
Good on you
I say the same
, never again will I entertain the idea of dating a father. Older spoilt kids are just as hard to deal with. It is difficult to discuss years of torment, like me there is so much to say.least you are gone. My last torment is to come when he moves out. Upsetting yes, but a whole new life awaits you. I think all we want is RESPECT.
I hear you
When we stay in a relationship we make an emotional investment in that person, and it seems like he enjoyed your contribution but wasn't ready to make an equal contribution on his part. Very sorry that it turned out like this and that you are in pain, however I agree with the above commenters, it is a blessing in disguise. It hurts today, but 20 years from now it would hurt even more. Every minute that you spend with a person who is not willing to make the same commitment to you that you made to him, is a minute apart from the real person who is your true mate. He is out there, and when you are ready you will find each other. Best wishes.
Thank you all so much for
Thank you all so much for your understanding and words of encouragement.
This really sucks you you
Your EX SO likes being controlled by his DD’s. I hope he happy now being by himself. You must learn from this. You have to look at it as a learning experience. That you will never make this mistake again. I hope the best for you. Life will get better and you will win in the end
I agree with the others
This is really an opportunity in disguise. We've all had experiences where we fail, then something better comes along and we are so thankful for the 'failure'. This is what has just happened to you. You must have an angel who has your back. Think of the lesson you have learned from this. You will know specifically what you are looking for in a man the next time. And your Ex? He may entice someone else but you can be assured they will be treated just like you have been. In the end he will wind up old and alone. In a year you will be thanking your lucky stars.
Congratulations on the start
Congratulations on the start of your new life adventure with this spineless non-man and his shallow and polluted gene pool fading in your rear view mirror.
Give yourself some time to grieve, reset then dive in to what’s next.
Merry Christmas and take care of you.
They don’t deserve you. None of them.
This truly has nothing to do
This truly has nothing to do with a man having children. What is about is a man who either has no spine or who truly doesn't give a sh*t about you.
My DH had two grown sons with LOTS of issues when I married him. But he was always able to commit to ME. The older son is now deceased. The younger son is just a mess. I know my DH loves him and always will. He's spent so much time and energy trying to help this ahole - but he's never expected me to jump in. Even when SS was homeless DH never tried to get me to let him move in or even to stay in our empty condo when we were at our other home.
My DH asked me if I could try to accept his son (his previous wife did not), and I did try. But when I just could not deal with him anymore DH accepted it.
Aholes are just aholes - the circumstances may vary but they are always aholes. A decent man would never expect you to accept the unacceptable.
Well said.A decent man would
Well said.A decent man would never expect you to accept the unacceptable.*yes3*
You are incredibly strong and
You are incredibly strong and will get through this, I have no doubt. AND you will be better off. I wish you all the best in your recovery journey; this journey has been waiting to start for much too long.
I’m still receiving messages
I’m still receiving messages from my ex about how I ruined the relationship. Because after 5 years of breaking my back for the relationship, I refuse to continue to drive myself insane over his disrespectful, malicious brats who will never treat me as anything more than s*it. I am so sad and exasperated that he remains in denial about his kids’ behavior and takes no accountability for his many failures in handling the situation. I know you can’t make anyone behave with integrity, but it is such a punch in the gut to be blamed and have my feelings totally invalidated when I put the last five years of my life into this man.
I guess I’m wondering if
I guess I’m wondering if there is anything at all I can say or do to make him see the light?
Definitive no, there is
Definitive no, there is nothing you can do to make him or anyone else "see the light." In your ex's case his head is lodged so far up his daughters butts that He will probably never see the light of day clearly again. The only way he'll ever be able to have a relationship with another woman is if the daughters and sister in law approve AND if the new lady knows her place, her place being fathers *mistress* who hides in the shadows out of sight out of mind.
Your ex is right that you indeed are the one at fault for the demise of the relationship. You're the one who went along with the dysfunction for years then all of a sudden stopped playing by their rules. If only you would have settled for the crumbs he gave you the two of you would still be together.
Why bother?
Why bother?
Block him from contacting you
Block him from contacting you. There's no reason for it. Place yourself first and know that you are priority. Do the very thing that he could never do for you. You deserve to be happy and healthy and he was robbing you of both.
There is nothing you can say or do to make him see anything because he doesn't think there is anything 'wrong'. He will never change his behavior and take accountability on why the relationship failed.
Wishing you a wonderful 2019 full of new adventures and creating funfilled memories.
^^^THIS!!^^^
Block the selfish a$$. Let him find someone else to be a physical and emotional slave for him amd his nasty kids. If this was legally handled no one but him and his evil spawn would think he was right. If he bothers you again get a restraining order.
I'm so sorry. Your ex did not
I'm so sorry. Your ex did not treat you as a cherished partner. No doubt he was more afraid of losing his daughters than he was of losing you. And now he has reaped exactly what he sowed.
I promise you, there is nothing you could have done differently. There is nothing you can do now to change the dynamic, or make any of them understand or even acknowledge your unhappiness. They have a special kind of dysfunction, where nobody else is allowed inside of it--not that anybody would want to be inside of that mess of a relationship.
Know that this has ZERO to do with you. The reaction from the daughters would have been the same, no matter who their father was dating. It will happen to the next woman, too, and the one after that and the one after that until Daddy finally gives up and allows daughters full control of his life.
My adult SD was furious with her father for dating me. I was the first one he dated after his divorce. She begged him not to marry me. She cried. She threatened. My DH is usually a pushover for his kids, but he saw the foolishness of her games, and he insisted that he would do what was best for him. And he has insisted on at least civil behavior. Happily, we have a decent relationship. If your partner can't even insist on basic manners, then there is no hope.
You have learned a great deal, and you were smart enough to get out of a life of misery. Love is grand, but it isn't enough.
This scenario plays out in
This scenario plays out in many different forms. I dated a man for 4 years whose parents disapproved of me. His father was Greek and went back to the old country at about 50 to get a wife. He and his brother and sister and then wife all lived together. My BF was totally enmeshed with them. I was “not acceptable “ even though my paternal grandfather was Greek and had been born in Athens.
They refused to even meet me. I won’t go into all the injustices I went through but eventually enough was enough. I ended it. And the best thing I ever did was to never deal with him again.
Back to the old saying - when someone shows you who they are believe them.