If he won't listen to you or to counselors, what else can be done? Nothing. You must take care of yourself plans your future. This "kid" will ruin your life. 

last week we were away and he climbed into the house in the middle of the night using ladders and brought 2 girls into our home. 

if your husband does not have a problem with this, I don't know if there is any hope for him. 

Since SS had to use a ladder and use a second story window to enter the house, I am going to assume he does not live there. (Too bad none of the neighbors noticed and called the police.) If you stay I would suggest installing an alarm system and personally arming it when you leave.  If SS tries this in the future, he can deal with the police arriving.

Your husband sucks and not in a good way. Toss this rotten trout back in the cesspool.

Your husband will not change. His son will not change. 

The only thing that can change to save the marriage is you. Can you force yourself to be ok with all this mess? Can you be ok being put in second place forever? I don't  recommend you do, but that is the only  thing that could "save" your matriage... it would probably destroy you though.

DH problem. He letting SS get away with this. Install an alarm system in your home. Making sure second floor is covered. 
if DH will press charges IDK, don't think so. 
You must either work it out with DH. With help from someone MC.  Or make a exit plan it's not going to change unless DH changes 

He sounds completely unhinged. No sane partner would ever make claims like he won't ever forsake his children for you. It points to him not being able to relate to your position at all. If he can't put himself in your shoes for a second to see how this affects you and your marriage, you have 2 options: accept the situation or leave. Just know that you are not being unreasonable. Continuing to have your life ruled by this adult child surely is not an option.

As an aside, my twin brothers are 40 years old and behave like this with my parents. I have seen first hand what it does to a family when parents don't put their foot down and demand that "children" become independent and let go of the apron strings. It's not healthy. I think that is why I am horrified when my SO panders to his adult daughter - it can go so so wrong and it NEVER ENDS.

Don't do anything rash, just start considering all your options.

What has to change for you to be happy?  Identify that - ask your husband to get on board.  If he says no- you have the answer.  Then, decide if you can live with it going on like it has been. In the end, you cannot  "make" people behave.  Sounds like anything you ask for gets turned against you at this point - so maybe don't "negotiate" just be honest.  Good luck. 

Hi. I am the stepmum to a 25 year old. I met my husband when his son was 8. We have been together for 16 years, married for 10. I have two bio-kids, aged 5 and 8. 

My SS is a lovely, hardworking, kind, funny person. He was a very easy, laid back kid. I always regarded myself as being very lucky in that respect. His mother was another matter. She is a troubled person with a very high conflict personality. Long (familiar) story short, she harassed us for over 10 years. We tried everything to get her to stop- DH went to counselling with her for months. When that didn't work he went to family mediation. Nothing worked, and if anything her behaviour got progressively worse. Over these (very traumatic years), I educated myself and my husband about high-conflict personalities and parallel parenting. Eventually, we started to use parallel parenting techniques, "grey rock" communication and avoided any face to face contact with her. This did improve the situation, and meant that she could no longer scream and rant at us in front of SS, which was good for his emotional wellbeing, but HCBM still persisted in her harassment of us, only stopping when finally he turned 18, left full-time education and we ceased paying her child support. Since the last contact (a flurry of abusive emails from her) we have not seen or heard from her.

My SS lives near to us with his girlfriend and comes over regularly to hang out with his little brother and sister, who adore him. I feel proud of my great relationship with him. Yes, he is naturally a good person, but also think I made good choices as a stepparent that have strengthened our relationship. All was good in our little world...until... 

About 6 weeks ago my SS came over for Sunday dinner, and while I was putting the kids to bed told his dad that his mum had been saying that she "wants to meet his little brother and sister". DH tactfully said to him that it was very unlikely that that would happen, that his mother had behaved so negatively that unless there was an acknowledgment of how she had behaved and apology to me, some sign that she really understood the impact of her behaviour and had now changed, we would continue to have no contact with her. He told him that we wished her well, and that we hoped that SS had a good relationship with his mum.  SS seemed to be accepting of that, just  saying that "he had a lot to think about".

I didn't know that this conversation had taken place, until a week later, when DH were on kid-free night away in London, out having having dinner at a restaurant and DH suddenly told me about it. The waiter bought my food to the table, and I couldn't eat it; my stomach closed up (Nice timing, DH- could've waited til after dessert, ha ha!). I felt so sick and stressed I was dizzy and  had to go and stand outside the restaurant and get some fresh air. I do not need or want that woman back in my life, and I don't want her around my children. They have a great little life, surrounded by loving family, and there is no room for her toxicity and conflict. I went back into the restaurant and told DH that. He agreed, but still the evening was ruined. We talked more the next day, agreed that we had to stick to "no contact". I thought that DH had explained the situation in a sensitive and respectful way to SS, and, altthough I felt stressed about it for quite a while afterwards, left it at that. 

On Friday I was at home alone with the kids in the afternoon, and went to check my mailbox. There was a hand-written, hand delivered note, addressed to DH and me. It was from HCBM. In it, she said that we had "been through a period that was stressful and difficult for all of us" and that she "wanted to apologise for her part in it". She said that she had "struggled to cope", was "someone who was trying to manage things" and "didn't always get it right".  "Our paths", she said, "were going to cross, as we have mutual friends, and most importantly SS." What could she do, she asked, to make things "more cordial" between us? Could we agree, she asked that if we saw each other we could at least say hello and there be peace between us? Could we minimise the "strress and anxiety" that SS might feel that his parents "weren't getting along?".

I put the letter down, went to the toilet and threw up. I was shaking. Rather than putting a stamp on her letter and mailing it, that woman had actually been to my house and put it  in my mailbox, which is incredibly intrusive. I'm not comfortable with her even knowing my address.  And the contents of the letter are, frankly, a fantasy. Yes, we have some mutual acquaintances as  she and my husband were at the same university  but we have had our own friends and social circle for many years now. Our paths have not actually "crossed" for 10 years, since we went to a friend's wedding, and she walked over to the table I was sitting at eating, pulled up the chair opposite me, turned it around and sat with her back to me, talking to one of those supposedly "mutual friends", who couldn't even look me in the eye. I made a choice then that if I knew that HCBM was attending an event that I would protect own mental health and happiness and not go. I have enough of my own friends and family and social life to enjoy, I don't need to put myself in distressing situations. And actually, it was never an issue. That was the last time that she was invited to something that we were also invited to. We have all moved on with our lives. Or so I thought.  And If we did happen in the future to bump into her, particuarly if SS was there, of course we would  swallow down our true feelings, smile and say hello- we are civilised people, and have no desire to embarrass the people around us or make SS feel uncomfortable. There is no issue with that, but of course she is doing what she does best: creating conflict where there is none. 

Most distressing to me about the letter though was the implication that somehow DH and I are causing SS "stress and anxiety" by choosing not to have contact with his mother. I know it's nonsense -he's 25 now, with his own home, career and relationship,  he is no longer that little 8 year old boy whose feelings DH and I had to so desparately protect, but still it presses those "stepmother guilt"buttons. I am trying to be rational, and reminding myself that he is an adult. and to be honest, how many adult children have separated parents and stepparents that all hang out together anyway? Even if there is friendliness and no toxicity, it's very unusual. I have always said that when SS gets married I will of course put on my hat and be the supportive stepmother at his wedding. When he has kids i will be a good "stepgranny" and  go to the christenings and  birthday parties and grit my teeth and smile and graciously say hello to his mother. Otherwise, I do not need or want to see the person who harassed me for a decade. It's as simple as that. I would have loved for us all to get along for SS's sake and spent a lot of time and energy trying to make that happen. When I didn't- couldn't - stop HCBM's high-conflict behaviours I went through a period of guilt and grief, beating myself up that somehow I had failed, that I (a classic "people pleaser") hadn't been able to "fix" it. I have worked through all of that. I now know that I could not control her choices. . I know I  did the best I could. 

This afternoon, SS is coming over for Sunday dinner. I sent him a message yesterday to say I'd had a letter from his mum and that we should have a talk about it. I'm feeling terrified. 

One of the boundaries I set myself as a stepmother was that I have never, ever said a negative word to SS  about his mother . I feel very strongly that children are not responsible for the actions of their parents and shouldn't be stuck in the middle of conflict. Also, as a stepchild myself, whose parents went through a high conflct divorce, I know that our parents are an important part of our identity. No matter how poorly our parents may behave, we don't want to hear negative things about them. For that reason, I've never spoken about his mum to him, other than to ask if she is well.  But at the same time, I cannot allow HCBM to once again affect the health and happiness of my family unit. I am also  certain that SS was never concerned about his mother meeting his younger siblings until HCBM brought the subject up. 

I've worked out what I'm going to say. I'm not going to go into petty details about the past, but calmly tell him that while I'm his stepmum, I am also a person in my own right and need to protect my own wellbeing and that of my family unit. That for a long time his mother behaved in a way that meant I had to set very clear boundaries and that I am not going to change my mind about that. That his dad and I  love him, and he and his mum love each other, and that is great, but he is my family- his mother isn't. That when he has a major life event- ie a wedding- we will be there to celebrate with him and of course be cordial to his mother, but that really is as far as any contact will go. I will talk to him as one adult to another. 

I *know*  that this is the right thing to do. So why do I still feel so anxious and scared? I feel like I'm about to jump off a cliff. 

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Marriage doesn't work if it's one-sided. You can't dig deep enough to make him change. It sounds like, even with professional guidance, he doesn't seem willing to heal or change.

Marriage only works if both parties are willing to grow together. You seem willing to compromise. You seem to understand that while his son is a problem, he isn't the root cause of your misery (that's your DH). You seemingly seek professional help when you can't handle it on your own.

Your DH, on the other hand, hasn't put in any of the work to get over the loss of his previous marriage and the dissolution of his nuclear family. Instead, he decided to be selfish and seek out a new partner to fill in certain gaps that his XW filled but barring you from growing any further as his wife. He didn't find someone to grow together with; he found someone that basically filled in where he was planning to go in the first place.

So, while YOU see marriage as a forever commitment that you need to dig deeper to save, realize that your DH doesn't see a problem that needs fixing. The problem with that is that he is the problem, or more specifically, he is the gatekeeper to the problems. You literally don't have the power to fix anything else unless you decide to just roll over and give in to his demands.

You will, or at least should, realize that this is a multigenerational shit show that you cannot fix.

Hopefully sooner rather than later. 

He simply says - i will not forsake my children for you.   That is not what i am asking!!! 

This clown really had the audacity to tell you that? What was your response? Why are you still with this idiot who has no love, courtesy, or respect for you? When it comes to his son, he can't find his balls but he knows where they are when it comes to you??? Instead of being in marital counseling sounds like you need some individual counseling.  Sounds like you need to set some better standards and boundaries for yourself. It's not about asking your DH to forsake his children and everyone else ( for that matter) for you and the marriage, it's about REQUIRING it. I wouldn't give a sh-t about how he grew up or his guilt. The truth is, those are NOT your problems. If I was in your shoes that is exactly what I would tell DH. So either he gets it together or gets left. No way in hell would I tolerate his crap.