A few weeks between turning 18 and graduating HS
My SD just turned 18 and childishly packed up her (few) things on her B-day. We told her she could take anything she purchased with her own money and could collect the rest of her things after she graduates. She is planning on signing a 1 year lease tomorrow and my husband is desperate to keep her here because her friends/roomates are bad news, potheads. My husband and I offered to pay her rent if she waits until after she graduates to move into this apartment with her friends. We still have control over her bank account and don't know how she can afford this.
As much as I am excited about her moving out, I fear this will all just blow up and she will come crying to my husband to bail her out. She has a 3.8 GPA and I really would hate to see her not graduate. She will not have a car to get to school and her best buddy (future roommate) is skipping school. We took SD's phone this summer because she was using it to engage in drug activity, and just being sneaky. Yesterday she must have purchased a phone. I bought her a car this summer to use for work and school and today she tricked my husband into letting her go meet a friend for several hours. She is a user and a manipulator. She acts like I don't exist in my own house and has been rotten to me since we got placement of her over 5 years ago. I have paid for everything, tried being overly nice. You know the deal.
So, what kinds of boundaries should I have now? She comes home from school, goes into the fridge, leaves her dirty dishes on the counter, and then lays in bed watching TV all night. She works 20 hours a week. She is not helpful, considerate or nice. Her 17 year old friend was just kicked out because she was so obnoxious and refused to follow her parents few rules. My SD asked if her friend could move in with us this week until they get an apartment. It's zero degrees but I said no way! This friend also had a very promising future but is now smoking pot, skipping school, homeless and a total slob. Should I just let it go until SD graduates? Or should I lay down the law? I've been telling myself for years I would not allow an adult to be disrespectful to me in my own home, but think if I do, she will move out and that would really upset my husband. Since she turned 18, she seems to be constantly conniving about something and being sneaky. Any advice on making sure this entitled, spoiled brat doesn't try to milk my husband on her way out? I will get the locks changed after she leaves. I should have been posting here years ago! Thanks!
just my $.02 but I think you
just my $.02 but I think you and your hubs should be all smiles and "I hope it works out for you" in her presence. It will probably last a few weeks until she figures out that it isn't the life of leisure she thought it would be. And honestly, she's 18. What are you going to do? I would keep the car and any furniture though.
She also got a big carrot from us, in the form of a car. She knows that she can be drug tested at any time (she too was caught repeatedly smoking weed) and should she piss hot, the car will be taken away. I've done several random tests completely out of the blue so she knows I mean business and the drug use has not been a problem. She grumbles about her privacy being desecrated, but I could not care less. If you have a problem with it, buy yourself your own car. I tune out her noise...and our relationship has improved so much.
My own BD went through a really rough patch at 16 and was convinced she was going to move out. We sat her down with a coworker of mine that was only 7 years older than her and they discussed ALL OF IT...It's expensive to be pretty. And contacts. And tampons. And how are you going to wash your clothes? That costs $1.75 a load. And how are you going to get clothes to laundrymat with no car? It was better coming from a neutral party and not her parents harping on her. They think they know everything at that age. Sometimes they just need to figure it out for themselves...some of them learn from it, some of them are forever adolescent!
The thing we did do was tell her we weren't going to live with the constant threats of her moving out. As soon as she started mentioning it, and after she sat down with my coworker, we told her she had a week to decide what she wanted to do, and after that, she would have 6 weeks to get her affairs in order to move out. At week's end she decided she better stay put for now...and we said she was welcome to stay, and here's the contract for living at home. At that point it was mostly just being a respectful human being. Baby steps, I tell ya.
And guess what? Here she is, graduated from high school, going to community college, and STILL LIVING AT HOME. Imagine that. She's improved a ton...but whenever she pulls the 'tude on me, I remind her she can always leave if she doesn't like my rules.
10 years ago my Sister asked
10 years ago my Sister asked the same thing of me - same experience as you. He brought his pit bull along. I was accused of abusing him because I knocked on the bedroom door at 3 pm so he could let out the pit bull who was banging it's head against the door to go out. My Mother drove 3 hours to save him from me, only to kick him out a week later. His Mother (my Sister) and her husband have never forgiven me but you know, it's OK. Today this man who is well over 30 years old is a drug dealer, living with a woman who supports him.
I honestly think if my Sister would have allowed my Nephew to ride the waves of his bad decisions rather than bailing him out all of the time, the outcome would have been much different.
Well, she is leaving and I am
Well, she is leaving and I am 100% okay with that. I went through her stuff that she has packed up and pulled a ton of my things out of there. Even after we gave her a stern talk about stealing, she is continues to try to take stuff and hide it in her room. She is leaving today. I may help her move her stuff out. I will stop paying her car insurance and sell the car.