The end of the end is here.
I am new to this site, I stumbled across while looking for advice. I have been with my DH for 13yrs married for 2 of those. My problem is my SD moved back in with us 6 yrs go with her 3 yrs old so she can return to school. Since she has move back in she has took over my home, in the beginning I didn’t say much. I have put up with here putting the home decor up, she has taken over my kitchen, I know longer can even buy my own groceries as there is no room for my stuff. I have even bought and additional fridge and pantry cabinet only to have take them over as well. I cannot even cook myself dinner because she is already there. During the Christmas holidays I will come home and she has already decorated my home with her tree and and all thier childhood ordiments. I also have 2 BC that seldom come around. It would be nice if SD would at least included some of thier things. My DH uses my sweet SGS as the excuse to all her behaviors. After marring my DH 2 yrs ago told him that I needed some changes, I put up my own Christmas tree the Christmas before this last only for a huge argument to happen witch ended with me spending my first married Christmas at my ex-husbands with my children there. Again this year My SD put all Thier stuff back up while I was at work and demanded how Christmas plans were going to work witch meant my kids could not be included, I told both my SD and DH that I would not be doing Christmas without my Kids. My SD did her cry thing and DH agreeed with her to let her have her way. 2 Christmas married was again not spent together. I Am no longer going to fight or argue with my DH I am not going to be the other woman in my own home. It feels like my husband is in a non sexual marriage with his own daughter. My things are packed , my DH cannot parent my SD because he acts more like her husband, and has told me he won’t see her unhappy. Today I will leave and these two can have each other. I am ready to be the woman of my own home again. I’m not sure I could stay anyways because the resentment of being treated like the other woman in my own home has gotten so bad that I will never be able to forgive my DH. Anytime I have ever brought up things that are not right he has asked me to just wait because she will move, she has graduated and just wrapped up her first year in her career. I will not wait another fucking day!
Good for you!
Good for you!
I hear ya! It IS worse that
I hear ya! It IS worse that your own husband, live-partner, lover, best friend.. allows this than the actual SD doing these things.
Yes it is the worst! I work
Yes it is the worst! I work and live with my DH, our whole lives wrap around each other until we walk through the door and I’m right back in thier home. I look at him and can see that he knows. He just won’t do right by me when it comes to her. What’s even worst is my SGS loves me so much, I am his favorite person, and he is my baby. They can’t see that they are destroying that for him. I am sad for me and pissed for him. I will never understand how one person has so much control. But good luck to her finding a man.
The good thing is you have
The good thing is you have only been married to SD's 'Husband' for 2 years so there won't be much of a financial burden for you. DH appears to have made his decision - and it's not you. Good for you for getting out of a situation that is going nowhere. It's simply not worth your time and energy. Now you can concentrate on fantastic plans for next Christmas with your kids. If possible, take some time to visit them soon. (((HUGS))), and good luck!
It never ceases to amaze me
It never ceases to amaze me what some people think their spouse/significant other should have to deal with/agree to "because of the kids" - only THEIR kids though, not the other person's...
I'm sorry so much of your life has been wasted on this douche. Move on and don't look back!
Good for you, I don't know
Good for you, I don't know how you've put up with this for 6 years. You will be much happier without the two of them.
Holy cow!!!!!
How did you let this happen? The second she moved something into your space, pack it up and put it in her bedroom. Wash, rinse, repeat. I would have. If my DH had something to say about it I would have reminded him about the nice judge he made a promise to about me.
Good for you for taking a stand. Don't take another f*cking second of their Bologna. Are you helping to pay for the house bills? Stop immediately until her royal highness f*cks right off.
Royal high ass
I did this and continue to do this, I’m just exhausted from it now. No she doesnt have to pay shit, never has. But let me tell you she walks around with the nicest shit, you know she can’t afford to pay bills, how would she buy all the designer stuff she clearly needs, or the trips she constantly needs. To top it off what’s so weird is the worst she treat my DH the better she gets treated. He can’t hardly walk by and just say hi. She acts like she doesn’t have time to speak to him. He walks away like his dog died. I would smack mine if she spoke to me like that.
Royal high ass
I did this and continue to do this, I’m just exhausted from it now. No she doesnt have to pay shit, never has. But let me tell you she walks around with the nicest shit, you know she can’t afford to pay bills, how would she buy all the designer stuff she clearly needs, or the trips she constantly needs. To top it off what’s so weird is the worst she treat my DH the better she gets treated. He can’t hardly walk by and just say hi. She acts like she doesn’t have time to speak to him. He walks away like his dog died. I would smack mine if she spoke to me like that.
My heart breaks for you
You have gone through so much, but you are doing the right thing. At the moment I am sure you are overwhelmed. It is a new year, you are making a big change and you may even think the future looks like a black hole. Here is a suggestion. Don’t think of next week or next month. Think of next Christmas when you will be settled, happy and only those you love with you.
"has told me he won’t see her
"has told me he won’t see her unhappy"
Nope. Nope. Nope.
This is something I will never understand. He won't see his daughter unhappy but it's ok to see his wife unhappy.
Get the heck outta there! I
Get the heck outta there! I’m getting ready to do the same. And one of my SD is ready to lose her house and my husband is likely to offer her to stay with us. Uh, never, not with me. This year is going to be transforming for sure. God speed to us all. You go, girl!
BTW, what happened the first
BTW, what happened the first 10 years?? Wasn’t that enough time to figure it all out before marrying?
Sure it was, I guess I just
Sure it was, I guess I just wanted to believe that once we were married it would change. Shame on me. My DH is wonderful strong man in every area of life except for her. I know now that it will never change.
"I just wanted to believe
"I just wanted to believe that once we were married it would change."
Many a woman has fallen into this trap. Once we're married he'll turn into price charming, put me first, and we'll live happily ever after. You're not alone honey, this site is full of starry eyed women who thought that a piece of paper would change a man. Unfortunately in your case your DH was already spoken for by his own daughter. You were merely tolerated as the handmaid in their home.
No matter how much one may
No matter how much one may polish a turd, at the end of the effort it is just shiny shit. Far too many people engage in rescue project marriages, rescue project adult children, etc... and spend countless years polishing a turd only to eventually discover in the end it is just a shiny POS.
This is why the smell test is so critical. The smell test of character, quality, and follow through on potential.
Keep that sniffer working. It saves a whole lot of time otherwise wasted on polishing turds.
so he and his daughter
so he and his daughter actually told you that your kids could not come to christmas? she actually wouldnt let you have a second tree in the house,and your DH backed her up?
Have you suggested marriage
Have you suggested marriage counseling to DH. He needs help, as letting DD take down your decorations and up hers, no room for your groceries in your own home, etc...WTF? This is all so wrong.
Is this your home, a home you share with DH? I would be giving this freeloading SD a date she and gskid need to be out by and ready to legally takes steps to have her removed. If my DH didn't like that, he'd be served divorce papers. Your whole situation is beyond what anyone should go through.
Your DH and his mini-wife's behavior is sick at best and you need to get your ducks in row. If not already, get your own checking and savings account with only access for you, get his name off things, etc.
and for God sakes, when you buy your groceries for your house, toss SD's aside and tell her to find a bleeping place to keep our own stuff.
good luck to you.
"Have you suggested marriage
"Have you suggested marriage counseling to DH..."
He and his daughter definitely need marriage counseling.
Wow! I am sorry you have let
Wow! I am sorry you have let this take your life away from you this long.
It is unbelievable the power these grown SD's have over their Dad. My SD57 also has this power over DH. The difference, I never let her have the power over me, like you describe here.
I will NOT tolerate my SD in any form, when it comes to mini wife BS. I put up with her toxic actions towards me for 30+ years and finally stopped that. by disengaging 8 years ago. I tolerated her for DH's sake for years; she just treated me worse with all her might..
When I decided to disengage, I had a serious sit down with my DH. My boundaries were simple. He was to continue his relationship as he wished with his grown kids and their families. All I requested was he never bring it into our home, (Only to visit), nor our marriage, and I was not to be expected to participate in any "family " activities that I did not want.. I have the right to know what is going on in our home, no surprise visits and they DO NOT move back home.
Sorry it has come to this for you. The mini wife situation has not and will never change for me; but I am Alpha female and everyone knows how it is. With that said, if nobody likes it I could care less, thus I will show them the door, including DH. My DH likes his comfortable home without his kids living here. Mostly because it will never happen. They can all live together elsewhere, I am here to stay.
If you have read my former posts, you will know I am not just threatening, it is a promise; I enforced it once and it will be permanent the next time.
(((Hugs))))
Sammi is right, living in
Sammi is right, living in this sick dynamic is not for the weak woman or weak at heart. You are required to get very self protective and take back your joy, or you throw the man out of your life to live with his true love(s), apparently. There is no half way, if you have a DH who cannot step up the the man plate; most of these sick men have no reason for feeling any guilt at all--who still behave soooo emotionally insanely.
I will never understand anybody who is scared of their own children and still considers themselves as a parent; it is almost comical. How can that be love?
Let me get this right
Your current but soon to be exhusband who married you 6 years ago knowig you had 2 bio kids has not allowed them to come over for christmas to spend time as a family (because you’re all family- that’s a fact!!), then sd chucks a hissy fit that your kids cannot come over to your home just because, no legitimate reason except just because. Then hubby agrees so he has intentionally isolated your kids and said that they are not anything to him or part of the deal and package of marrying you?
this man doesn’t deserve to be married. He’s after a maid and sexual slave.... he does not respect or love you. A real man would never entertain that discussion ever from his child ever.
My sk aged 22, 20 & 13 will bring up visiting at a shopping mall with their other siblings, no care about the 2 toddlers i had with hubby. They do not have the balls to ask that we not be present yet, so they try to be coy and act innocent till hubby saw them and said in person, this will not happen anymore. Any visits to catchup will be at our home.
that was 2 months ago and no one has come to visit, not even ss20 that lives here when not on university studies
Rather than leave, take the
Rather than leave, take the day off, call the locksmith and rekey the locks and when DH gets home... hand him the divorce papers. Take your home back. Put DH and his shallow and polluted gene pool on the curb.
Why make it easy on them. Make it easy on you.
Congratulations on taking your life back and on starting your new life adventure.
<<<<<THIS WORKS>>>>>> I did
<<<<<THIS WORKS>>>>>>
I did This!
that would be nice....
but unfortunately you can't just kick them both out... laws and all.
it sounds like the house was tainted for you. i would file legally right away, take half the savings or whatever your lawyer says you can take, get all your stuff moved to a cute new apartment, and then bid them farewell. it is going to stink being away from SGS but i think he might end up being collateral
Sure you can. There may be
Sure you can. There may be follow on actions that result but you can rekey the locks in your own home and serve an STBX with papers. Posession being 9/10 of the law and all why give up the high ground and have to fight the divorce battle after abdigating the deadly ground?
Absolutely get the best shark attorney available. Consult with rest of the best in the area to take them off of the board for the opposition and set out to win. Once the divorce campaign starts there should be no consideration of the other party. The only focus should be in maximizing the outcome for one's self. It worked like a charm when my cavern crotched adulterous whore of an XW filed for divorce. She moved out, I changed the locks even though we owned our home together, the Judge ruled that property would be "divided as possessed". Guess what? I lived in the house, it was mine. Though she retained her ownership share she could not access the home without my permission. I controlled the asset.
Eventually she bought out my share. But until her fortune 5 excutive sugar/baby daddy cut me a big check.... it was my house. I also drained every joint account and cut her a cashier's check for her share when she said "You can have everything else. I just want the money that I cashed out of a CD when we bought the house." I typed up her statement and had her sign it as a receipt for the money she demanded. That settled the divorce.
Later when she wanted the house she tried to get me to quit claim deed the house to her and pay her for the mortgage payments she had made after I moved out of the house we had leased it to a tennent on a lease/purchase agreement. My XW later renegged on the lease/purchase but I still maintained control of the property per the divorce order. That pesky "property divided as possessed" thing was beautiful. Her attorney called me and propopsed that I sign my rights to the home over to her and reimburse her for half of the difference of the fair market rental value of the property. They did not do their homework. They were of the mind that the morgage was higher than the fair market rental value when it was significantly lower. So that number ended up being a negative number which was in my favor. I accepted their offer and demanded a deliver date of the funds. They fired that lawyer and ended up cutting me a big check for the half of the profits on the sale of the home. She and her Fortune 5 executive sugar/baby daddy wanted to build a big new house and thought that they could get my house for nothing. Nope. That wasn't happening.
So, my parting shot on my toxic XW was to collect a big check four years after our divorce was final.
My other significant leverage points where... her diary documenting her infidelities, all of the papers I had written for her during her college career that I would have happily forwarded to the dean of her college to have her degree revoced due to accademic dishonesty, and the card that gifted the significant funds that my XILs had invested for her education to us when she graduated with her BSRN. We paid for most of her tuition so her parents gifted us that money. It was notable. I could have gone for half of that. So... I kept these as a big stick to smack her and her train of attorneys with when she tried to waffle on her "you can have everything" agreement.
Sure, laws are laws. but.... many people are not as smart or informed as they should be to successfully navigate a divorce from from a toxic XSO. Make a plan, work the plan, adust as necessary and be absolutely single minded and as brutal as neccessary to optimize the outcome in your favor. And hire the best of the best absolutely brutal shark of a lawyer that you can find.
It can work. Particularly with a toxic opposition.