Does anyone have advice on helping Dad to help SD find a job?
My SD is 16 nearly 17 so technically I should seek advice on the teenagers forum. The thing is her tactics are scarily adult. I believe she gets coaching and lots of it from her BM who is way too invested in her daughter's attachment to her dad.
Some history. When DH and I started seeing eachother he had just split up with someone he had been seeing for 10 months after leaving BM. BM and SD did not know at that stage about me. He would come from dropping SD to BM and say stuff like "Maybe BM has turned over a new leaf. She was very friendly and asking me for financial advice and having a chat." MMmmmm. I said "Do you think they are happy you split up with your girlfriend? Is there any chance she may want to get back with you?"
So he announces we are together and then shortly after we get engaged. BM goes psycho. SD develops migraines.
Why does he miss all the signals?
BM has refused to meet me. How ridiculous.
SD16 has been a tough gig. So many details but to sum it up a not very pleasant person for me to be around. She has tried lots of tactics and none have got her the result she wants which is me gone or at least for her to maintain her perceived mini-wife status.
So the advice I am seeking relates to her latest round of tricks. DH has pushed hard on her to look for a holiday job for the long break before starting Uni. She clearly does not like this and is angry at him. He sort of sees it and sort of doesn't. After 2 years of clingy and not going out - no boyfriend, very little socialising, no hobbies she is now saying "Oh i am a bit busy to come for a couple of weeks". Great but she is the artful dodger and if she dodges her dad again this time, I am going to have to endure yet another holiday with her sitting around doing nothing for 50% of 12 weeks not that I am counting.
SD is not motivated to do work. She is the least motivated person as far as the real world goes that I have ever met. Good student though. Marks are pretty good.
Advice please? Did any of you have success pushing the skids into holiday jobs or holiday work? Or helping the dads to keep pushing?
Thanks yes there needs to be
Thanks yes there needs to be penalty and reward in operation and motivation. Dad pays her $100 per week as part of the financial settlement from the separation. I wonder if he can withhold it? Wonder if he would.
12 week holiday? You guys
12 week holiday? You guys live in Greece or something? I understand some European countries take month long holidays but three?
You should stay out of it. Once you figure out if she sits around doing nothing it has no effect on you then you can let go of this crusade.
Read this for a start: http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
I understand your plight &
I understand your plight & with the $400 monthly settlement money, I agree that she has no motivation to work. This is what I would do in your situation; A wonderfully long list of chores to be done every day. Things like cleaning the bathroom, weeding the garden (or yard work if you have no garden), scrubbing floors, walking the dog etc. You get the idea, not letting her free time be free any more. Also since money is not an issue for her I think she's perfect to become a volunteer!!! It looks great on a college &/or job application plus giving your time to those less fortunate is good for us all (especially bratty teenagers!)I worked for many years as director of recreation in a retirement community with the elderly & all 5 of my kids (including 2 step kids) volunteered many times. It was a great experience for them & they were better people because of it. Good luck!!!