Disengagement can be hard!
I'm still working at learning to disengage. Staying away from the Steps is easy but the not helping DH with every little thing and feeling left out is hard! I'm a doer and love giving presents, and basically a control freak. LOL So today MSD is graduating from community college (after 6 years) Yay! We live about 2 hours away. I'm not going since I wasn't invited, would have a really hard time hearing MSD say "you're just jealous I have a degree" (she keeps telling her brother that on Facebook), and I really like not having to see the SDs. Plus my daughter has a choir concert tonight so another great out!
At first when I said I wasn't going DH seemed upset. Then said I could help him pick out flowers. And then said maybe I could drive with him. I pointed out I wasn't taking off a day of work to drive down there and drop him off. I then told him his daughter would appreciate flowers from him not me. Then this morning he gets up to work a half a day then head out there. I asked if he told his boss he was taking half a day and he said no. I asked if he had made plans to meet up so he wouldn't have to park in downtown and he said no. I reminded him he would have to pay parking if he decided to park in downtown and of course he had forgotten. I didn't even bother to point out he didn't get flowers or a card. Or that he would have to come home to change since he put on work clothes. I bit my tongue after the first few questions and figured he was a big boy and needed to learn on his own.
Now I'm sitting here sad because I didn't get to do all the fun stuff I normally do for someone graduating. I feel like crap that my husband will be spending the day listening to his daughters bash me. I'm tired of having two families. Why can't the little brats just accept their dad is married and move on! That's my rant! I'm going to quit feeling sorry for myself now.
You weren't invited so it
You weren't invited so it looks like SD has disengaged from you while you are still working out how to disengage from her. How would you handle it if this was a friend instead of SD? You would focus to another friend who treated you better and do all of the fun stuff for them. So you can still take enjoyment in 'doing' for others - just do it for someone who appreciates it.
Another thing - your DH doesn't seem to care that you weren't invited. Why put any mental energy into whether he got her a gift? Like you said, he's a big boy. Let him deal with it on his own.
By disengaging you demonstrate to your DH that you have no interest in SD at all. Don't ask about her, if he mentions anything abut the wedding, just say, "Hmm, that's interesting", and walk away.
For me it seems to be a
For me it seems to be a process I have to take in steps. Right now I'm working on not doing things for them, then I'll work on not helping hubby out. Hopefully the emotional disengagement will happen the less I put myself out there.
I love this suggestion! Yes,
I love this suggestion!
Yes, put your generousity towards something worthy. Underprivelaged children and elderly folks are always a good idea.
Lol I work as a children's
Lol I work as a children's case manager at the local behavior health center
I do need get started crocheting blankets, hats, and scarves for next year.
This is exactly why I
This is exactly why I practice the full confrontation and destroy the toxic blended family opposition sport. I am very, very, good at it. I don't feel bad pointing out the facts of toxic crap from idiots. I would suggest that next time that you dress to the nines, look amazing, be happy and radiant on DH's arm, and wilt the toxic morons with your astounding presence.
Have a few veiled pseudo compliments ready if MSD gets snarky. "Well, congratulations. What are you going to do with it now that you are finally finished? Do you still remember the stuff you started with 6yrs ago?",
Have a few of them ready just in case. Enjoy your day with your DH, let him express some pride in his daughter's accomplishment.
As you give her a goodbye hug when you are ready to leave drop a "So how much longer will it take you to finsish a Bachelor's degree?" Make sure to smile a lot and laugh happily when DH says something witty.
These morons are like cockroaches who scurry for a dark corner when a light is thrown on in a dark roach filled room. You be the light. They will scurry.
Yes, here we go again. I
Yes, here we go again. I understand your disengagement feelings entirely. I have been working at disengagement for the past six years and it will never be complete. My grown SD won't let it be over. SD53 and SGD31 (mother/daughter) put themselves in my presence every chance they have, without making it look purposely of course. I just ignore them and walk away.
Every time my SD gets an opportunity to stir it, she does so. I haven't seen or interacted with my SD in weeks; she lives less than one block, up the street. SGD31 lives in the neighboring State, so it is easier.
SD has now planned a family BBQ for DH's birthday, SIL's birthday, and Father's Day, all in one event for a off weekend in June. Now I think this is a good idea to do it all together, so that everyone is able to attend; SD told DH that she was doing this BBQ and DH just mentioned it to me a couple of days ago. We have plans for DH's birthday weekend, but they are not concrete, so it works out fine.
Now, here comes the disengagement part. I have not been invited, SD knows I want her to stay away from me (another story), and I have made no effort to engage, because that is the way I want it. SD53 and SGD31 spent years mistreating me at family BBQ's, camp trips, and holidays. So I do not want to put myself in the line of fire, ever again. I will not be attending this BBQ, even if SD does invite me. I will gracefully back away and I plan to tell DH; "We will celebrate your birthday weekend, which is Father's Day weekend also; you go ahead and enjoy the BBQ and relax, I will be home (just down the street) when you get here." Now, I have milled this over in my mind, because I really don't want to be away from DH, when he is celebrating his birthday; but then it's not really his birthday, and it is "his" family BBQ.
With all of that said, I think DH will be more comfortable without me attending; we have discussed that I do not want to be around these two women and I want them to leave me alone forever.
I understand your dislike of being out of the picture, but when it's over, it's worth not taking the mental abuse. I will not go there again, if at all possible. I also know there will be times when I cannot avoid it, but I also know there are times when I am able to avoid it; this is one time I can avoid it.
Disengagement does come in all forms and different circumstances. My disengagement takes a great deal of maintenance, but it is worth it. Someday maybe my SD and SGD will get it; but on the other side, they love the game they play, when I am present.
If you can come to an agreement with your DH, such as I have, it is much less stressful. We have agreed to disagree on the subject. In your case, it sounds like your DH understands and therefore, does not put you in the position to refuse to go, by not inviting you. My DH has began to do this too; it makes it easier for me.
It will get easier, but it also is difficult at times. Good Luck! It's sad too, but it is what it is.
I am new to this forum but
I am new to this forum but very pleased I found it thank you Mr Google. I too am in the early stages of disengaging from my adult Skids, particularly 25yr old SD.
I can relate to what you wrote ETexasMum, and it will be difficult for you disengaging as you are clearly a planner and organiser but you have to let go and allow DH to find his own way. IMO it's similar to all the times in our children's years we had to stay quiet and let them find their own way or let them go, hard but necessary for them to find their wings and fly.