DESPERATEL!!! Need help in keeping our adult SS's biomom from destructive enabling!!!
My 24 year old step son - who's quite bright and yet lost a full scholarship and dropped out of college - has recently moved in with his mother and step dad. This was supposed to be a short-term thing, where he'd get a job (his first - as she fed him hundreds every month despite everyone's objections), and finally start the road toward maturity (easy things - like learning to get up on his own, learning to budget - in the hopes that he'll soon get an apartment and move towards heading back to college). Unfortunately, over the holidays, we learned that she's getting him up almost every day, he has absolutely no plan for the future (why should he???? she's still supporting him (behind her own husband's back!), and has even bought him a new computer and new phone! We spoke with her husband over the holidays and he intimated that he'd had enough and that the SS needed to start saving, looking for an apartment, etc. And sure enough - we got a phone call two days ago that he's getting an apartment that - shock - his mother found for him and it's just blocks from her!!! This is in a very small town with an inordinately high cost of living - meaning without her support he'd never be able to stay there, so we know the enabling's still going on. And it sounds as if it's a one-year lease, which means any kind of higher education obviously isn't even in the picture at this time. She goes so far as to ignore him drinking when he's there (he was in an alcoholic coma 3 years ago, and has had two very serious DUIs). As recently as a month ago he'd expressed interest in moving to one of several much larger cities - he almost seemed to have a plan. Next thing we know - what little "oomph" he seemed to have to grow up seems to be gone. We all (with the exception of his biomom) realize that her enabling is born of guilt (she moved five hours away from him when he was quite young). But she can't seem to see that treating him like he's a perpetual 12-year old is so wrong for him. My husband and I (and even her husband) are at a loss. We don't know if we should step in (as much as we can) and tell him (and her) that he just HAS to move somewhere other than down the street - even if he doesn't go back to school. It's so unhealthy it makes me ill. I hate to admit it - but the holidays have been a nightmare (and we do Christmas with my family this weekend) - my husband and I just dread trying to find another way to say that our son is perhaps even less mature than the time we saw everyone last Christmas. How do we help him see that at 24 he DESERVES more than an allowance from his mom? I hate watching my husband cry about what promise my SS had - but it's so true. How do we stop the enabling by him biomom? Or is he going to be a perpetual Starbucks server who lives down the street from his mother? HELP!!!!!
I don't think
You can change the dynamic between BM and your SS-the only control and hope you have is you, DH and SS relationship.
What kind of relationship do you and DH and SS have now?
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
I agree with Endora
I don't think the BM will be changed.
Maybe you and your DH can speak with the son and try to get him to understand that he is capable of so much more.
I know we as parents say those things..... and kids seem like it goes in one ear and out the other.
Maybe talking to the BM and telling her to put him on a graduated "help" plan. That way she doesn't feel like she just threw him out on the streets.
By graduated "help" plan.... Meaning BM gradually reducing how much she helps him.
I.E.....
Months 1-6 giving him one amount
Months 6-12 giving him 1/4 less of orig amount
Months 13-18 giving him 1/2 less of orig amount
MOnths 19-24 giving him 3/4 less of orig amount
Month 24 - no longer giving him any monies....
And after 2 years - he should be self-sufficient. Sounds like she has enabled him to the point where he probably does not know how to manage his money. He will more than likely need time to adjust and learn. Which will be hard at 24 starting from scratch - what she should have started teaching him as an early teen with allowance and chores.
Ugh! Do what you can to
Ugh! Do what you can to help SS see that he needs to cut those apron strings.
While married to my exH, my MIL babied my BIL so much that it was ridiculous. At age 24 he had his FIRST job, working part time at a 7-11. That lasted all of 6 weeks. He didn't care, Mommy constantly gave him gas money, spending money, made him the meals he wanted even if it wasn't what she made for the family, brought him his meals to his bedroom, woke him up on those rare days that he had to be somewhere - she did EVERYTHING for him. That 6 week job ended up being the longest job he ever held. At age 31, the situation was still the same - she provided for everything and he had no clue how to take care of himself. Unfortunately, at age 31 he lost his Mom to a massive stroke. We tried to help him out, encouraged him to get a job and we would help with what we could, but he had to help himself first. He couldn't/didn't want to do it and just gave up. He didn't have money to eat out, and didn't have anyone catering to him so he barely ate. He became ill, and we kept trying to get him to a doctor and told him we'd take care of the bill.... he finally promised to go to the doctor after we bribed him - told him we'd get his car working and give him gas money in exchange for driving the kids to school and picking them up. He agreed to go to the doctor the Monday after Thanksgiving, but the Saturday after Thanksgiving we found him dead in his bed. Like I said, he gave up because he couldn't do for himself.
Ask your SS what he's going to do when Mommy isn't there taking care of him anymore. He needs to have a plan and he needs to see that he needs to start taking care of himself.
B, why would SS WANT to give up such a cushy lifestyle???
People like that (those enabled) don't think that the "gravy train" is EVER going to come to and end. So WHY should they bother changing??
The people who NEED to change their ways are the enablers. In this case, the BM. SHE is the solution to this. And sadly, it doesn't seem like she's at all interested in helping her "BABY" (GAG) become a productive, capable member of society. Her husband sees it. His stepmom sees it. EVERYONE apparently sees it- except the two dysfunctional people in the relationship!
I have one of the most dysfunctional family stories for you that I have ever come across in all my years...
The dysfunctional story of my DHs mother (75) and her granddaughter (27).
When I came into the picture almost 6 years ago, his mother was newly retired and living in a small townhome. Becuase she was on a tight budget, DH was helping her with a monthly check of $1000 to cover expenses like medical and such.
The granddaughter (nowreferred to a GD), then 22, was living with her. But the GD wasn't working. Apparently, she had "issues" but was trying to make it as an acctress. But she couldn't even work PT.
DH's mom gave GD her car to use on auditions, and let her have it so she could go away on long weekends with friends- leaving DHs mom stranded at home without a car. (But apparently that was ok). Because GD had no money, DHs mom, financed the weekends away WITH THE MONEY DH WAS GIVING HER to help pay her bills!
And DHs mom would always call for that check. And still does to this day. Because GD, now 27, STILL lives with DHs mom. She does have a job (PT) but does not pay rent, does not pay anything to DHs mom, does not have a car payment (we bought his mom a new car and she gave GD her old car).
GD went to IRELAND for 10 days this summer!
Must be nice! I never went to Ireland. We don't have the money to do that. But I guess when Grandmom is financing your life (oh, wait- really WE are finacing your life with that $1000/month check to Grandmom), WHY should 27-yr-old granddaughter try and make anything out of her life?
But the problem is...DHs mom IS 75. And not in good health. So what's going to happen to GD when grandmom passes on?
Problem! But not ours.
I told DH, I have no issues giving his mom $1000/month. What she does with it burns my butt, but I can't control it. But I will NOT finacne his healthy, capable, niece...
she's on her own.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
im 28
and although i would LOVE a $1000 a month check from gram, id rather DIE than take money like that when i able to make my own living. she should be ashamed. of course, shes not, but she should be.
has DH ever said that he wants to help HER and not his neice??
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Don't get me started, Bella
It's been a bone of contention for a LONG time now.
Of course the money is meant to help his mother (her Rxs, her extra bills that Soc Sec doesn't cover, etc).
But when she just willingly hands wads of cash over to her granddaughter for trips, gas, clothes, and extra spending money, what can we do????
If DH says, "No, I can't give you any more money right now", she'll call him up CRYING (and I mean "literally," in tears) saying she can't take her medicine because she "has no money". Then he feels like a jerk if he doesn't send her a check.
It's master manipulation, I know. But she's his 75-yr-old mother, so what's he supposed to do at this point???
And you're 100% correct- his niece SHOULD feel ashamed. But she doesn't. She came over here at Thanksgiving, proudly showing off her Ireland picutres and telling everyone how much she's thinking she'd like to make it a "yearly thing". I wanted to kick her in the a$$!
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
what if he took care of her bills?
like set up online bill pays and had it done automatically? he cant say im not gonna give this to u if u keep giving it away?
what am i saying--of course youve tried everything. i just cant believe how some people are. i dont care if im A HUNDRED and seventy-five, if my son gives me money to help, im NOT giving it away! ugh!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
I know, frustrating, Isn't it?
I can almost "sense" the frustration in your post, believe me, Bella!
And I'm truly right there with you. But it's just one of those things I just have to "let go" or it's just going to kill me.
First, we give ALL that money to BM a month, who uses it not as CS, but more like ALIMONY- sitting her ass on the couch and refusing to work- then complains to the girls that she has no money for her "baby" (the "baby" she had with another man).
And then DH gives another $1000+/mo to his mother, who then hands it off to her able-bodied but lazy granddaughter.
Add to that the exorbitant amount of money it costs to keep his "Princesses" in the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed to...
And all I can say is...thank GOD DH makes decent living, because if he didn't we'd BE in the poor house for sure, because all the women in his life (besides me)- his ex, his mother, and his 3 girls, just BLEED HIM DRY!
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
can i get on the gravy train too???
id LOVE an allowance! and i promise to really be very appreciative!
car ready today to the tune of $1100 and as an added bonus, we stopped receiving CS for SS bc they screwed up the modifcation we put in for and has it so f'ed up, that all payments have stopped. LOVE IT!
naturally, i was just kidding!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
i WAS frustrated!
i cant imagine how U feel!
leave it to "family" to take advantage. just bc he makes a good living doenst mean he should be treated as an ATM.
UGH!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
You cannot control the bio
You cannot control the bio mom
or anyone for that matter but yourself. Instead work to change your response to the issues brought before you.
You do not have to tolerate bad treatment. If the bio mom wants to enable the daughter, you should just look for a way to be out of their way so none of it comes to you, as you have no control over them at all.